I don’t think my parents played or read to me at all when I was a child

[Mum27383]

I didn’t give it much thought growing up. I was fed, clothed, loved to some extent, and financially provided for. They took me to lots of places and I did lots of activities, just not with them.

Now I have kids, one is a baby. My parents are gaga over them but they don’t how to connect with them. I was so puzzled as it shouldn’t be that hard if you’re had kids yourself. I had to show my Dad - told him you can’t just coo over a distance and expect things to happen. I told him to sit on the floor at baby’s level, baby was waving a toy, so I got a similar toy and waved it back at her and she responded enthusiastically. Dad copied me, but then kept shaking the toy at her repeatedly long after she had moved on, like he didn’t know what else to do. They don’t do the usual instinctive thing of making faces at babies to make them laugh either.

It’s a bit weird isn’t it? That got me thinking that I don’t actually have any memories
of them playing with me or reading to me, though they provided plenty of books and toys. Is this unusual? I’m in my 40s so wondering if it’s partly a generational thing. I was a vociferous reader and I did go to uni so I don’t think lack of reading to me hurt me. I do find imaginative play a bit difficult but it’s fine if a bit boring for long periods.

I do wonder if there is neurodiversity there - it is definitely in one of my kids, probably in me, and I’ve kind of suspected it in my parents too.

In my 50s, and my df played with me. I remember riding on his back, play wrestling, hide and seek, learning football, draughts, cards, and reading until I learned to read by myself. He was autistic.
My dm was much for play, except for the odd card game and she read a bit, but reluctantly.

I am in my 70s. Both my parents read to me a lot. I don't think that was considered weird. They also played board games and card games with us a lot. I remember playing cribbage from the age of 5. Apart from that, we were left to play by ourselves or with friends either indoors or out. We generally acted out stories that we made up - a story line could last for the whole summer holidays. My grandparents played 'shop' with me but I doubt they did that much with their own children (who grew up in London during the War).

Should we then be more forgiving to parents who struggle to spend time with their kids and don’t read to them?

Having said that I wouldn’t describe my relationship with my parents now as close. We only talk about superficial things - I’ve never talked to them about anything deep or gone to them when I needed help or advice.

No, I'm not close to my parents. My husband isn't really close to his for similar reasons. In my experience of raising children, you get out what you put in.

I had a similar childhood to other PP and it’s been telling how different my parents have been with me kids. They complete indulge them and tell them they love them. I don’t think my parents have ever told me and my sibling they love us.

I do think that we have to remember that they were brought up during or post war, possible by parents who were traumatised by one if not two world wars. It’s no real surprise the boomer generation didn’t have a touchy feely childhood themselves. One had to get on with life as life was hard.

My in-laws were like this, I found them clueless and useless tbh because my mum was so amazing. She devoted so much time and effort to us and played and read so much. It really inspired me to do the same for mine and I really wanted to be a SAHM because my experience with her was so good.

DS is autistic and me (50) and my mum (70) suspect we are ND too .

It sounds quite likely in this case (I rarely say that!)

I'm 70 and my experience was similar to @Godesstobe's. Mine did play with us - things like ball games as well as cards and jigsaws, scrabble - and they were very good at getting us out of the way by suggesting imaginative games we could play alone or with other kids. Neither had any problem communicating with babies.

I wonder if it would help your Dad if you explained a few things about babies' neurological development? By the time my youngest siblings were born, I was very clued up on how important facial expressions are to learning speech, why babies put their feet in their mouths, how to support physical development, all that. I can only suppose Mum & Dad had learned it all for themselves (they used to get a magazine called Family Doctor) and taught me.

I was born in the 70s and do remember my parents reading with me and playing games with me.

We’d play board games, my Dad played chess with me. They played card games, football, rounders, cricket and stuff like that.

They wouldn’t sit and play Barbies or pretend shops or that kind of game with me - we played out or had friends over

I was a child during the 1960's so a lot older than other posters. Parents simply didn't "play" with their kids back then. We were left very much to our own devices and own imaginations. You "played" with other kids or your siblings, not adults. I did have an uncle who sometimes played Monopoly with me when he visisted, but that was rare. I think some of my friends were read bedtime stories when they were very young, but again it wasn't common place. Personally I'm glad I had the freedom of that era. It was much more fun and creative.

I don't remember my parents ever playing with me. I don't think that was unusual when I was a child. I remember lots of playing with the children around me, siblings/cousins/neighbours. Parents would chat with each other but not much with the children.

Thanks, yes I could do but based on previous experience I’m not sure how interested they are - they would listen but not apply the information. They are very internet savvy and child development stuff is so easily accessible. But I think they just want a shortcut to their love without the time and effort - they said they thought if they stayed for three days then the baby would get used to them (rather than make the effort with 10 minutes of play. 3 days was based on my PILs visiting.) They also they had a plan to make my baby like them by feeding them cake! I said absolutely not!

I’m 56 and was always a very busy DC. I remember my DM setting me up with lots of toys, for example ageing me how to use my flower press or teaching me to make patchwork quilts etc and I’d go off an do it. I’d love to read and my mum would facilitate this by buying me books.
I joined various gym , canoe, tennis, table tennis clubs and my DM bought me leotards and a tennis racket .I was always signing myself up for something or other.
She was very hands on with my 11 plus, I remember her buying me practice books in WHSmith and then I did mock tests in the kitchen and she timed me and marked them.
We played some games such as one with marbles and mini trampolines but mostly I actually played me my sibling, on my own or my friends.
My DM taught me to cook, make clothes and knit.
I grew up on a large council estate but in many ways I had a very privileged childhood because I had so many hobbies and interests. I also had a lot of freedom and would take the bus to the local pool which had a library next door. I was around 9 and I’d come back with a massive 6 foot brass rubbing I had done at the museum after swimming. Oh and a mile badge as the life guard had just counted my 60 lengths.
My DM also took me on day trips to the coast and London and cut coupons from the local paper so we could travel in the train for £1 or whatever it was. I was travelling to London myself on a red bus rover ticket at age 10/11.

Forgiving maybe, but I don’t think it creates a strong relationship. I would also describe my relationship with my parents now as very superficial. Nothing important is shared and conversation is probably about the same as I would have with a neighbour or acquaintance.

My Nan lived with us and we were never played with either. We were never bought books and if my mother or nan saw us reading a library book we were told off for being lazy. “If you’ve got time to sit and read you’ve got time for housework “

I am a 60s child and I do remember my Mum playing with us out in the garden,baking with us and we were taken out over the holidays on day trips. My Dad read to me regularly.We had a lot of freedom disappearing for hours with our friends from age 7 ish.Happy memories TBH .
My 90s children had similar upbringing but with more structured time but they were encouraged to entertain themselves.
My daughter is about the same as me with her parenting and her husband is brilliant at playing with the children ..I think he is more entertained than the children 😂
I do think that every generation is different to a degree and not worth over analysing unless there was abuse/ neglect.
Edited to say that all the generations I have mentioned all have/ had a great relationship together.

I’m 46 & remember my parents and grandparents playing with me a lot & reading to me - we always had lots of books and went to the library all the time to spend time there reading and choosing books to take home. Most of my friends did the same so I’m not sure it’s a generational thing particularly

I'm 46 and have memories of playing with my parents and being read to by them and my grandma. I have no idea how frequent this was.

It tended to be card games and board games rather than say imaginative play although I have memories of dressing up and performing some sort of play to my mum and neighbour although.

My grandma taught me to knit and i can also remember cooking with my parents.

The main difference i notice is that now there are far more child related activities. Outings centred around us were reserved really for holidays only. Having lunch in the Tesco cafe after shopping was a big treat as it was a once or twice a year event.

I'm a 60s child and yes I was played with. My grandmother lived with us so that likely helped as she was delighted to have a granddaughter, she would read to me and play. She taught me a lot of things, how to crochet and knit, how to cook, about plants and gardening. Often in the evenings we'd play board games or card games. I also played a lot on my own (am an only) and sometimes friends.

I’m 57 and I can’t remember my parents playing with me. I can’t remember them reading to me but they tell a story of me as a young child loving the book Rapunzel and them reading it to me constantly. I love reading and always had a book in my hand as a child but always read myself. It was different times, parents had to work, there was more housework and children played out with friends more. Their every minute wasn’t organised like it is now. It’s such a shame, I have such fond memories of playing out, making dens and going off on our bikes, and exploring pretending we were in Charlie’s Angels or the Famous five 😂😂

No, my parents weren't massively into playing with us.

My mum did do a lot of crafts with us, but they were generally projects she wanted to do herself. We also went to lots of activities, even in a rural area. She liked us to like the things she liked, and looks askance at me when I sing Baby Shark because my son thinks it's a banger, whilst she got us liking classical music.

My dad worked while she was a SAHM, but he's brilliant with kids, so he has a lot of pent up paternal urges he's using up on all his grandchildren.

My father very occasionally read to me.
My mother was house proud and more interested in feeding us, keeping us clean and fed.

My little brothers got, I think, more attention indoors than I did. There’s quite an age gap so from 7 years old I learned to play by myself. Reading and drawing indoors, mostly out with my mates after school and holidays. No after school clubs at all. I think some kids must get exhausted these days from constant stimulation and activities throughout the week.

I think maybe, just maybe, we worry too much about keeping kids entertained and happy?
My brothers and I are very self sufficient.
I didn’t play much at all with my offspring. Theres been no harm done there. Being “bored” teaches imagination and self sufficiency.

I don't think that what you describe is particularly unusual. My parents weren't literate so obviously never read to us, and to be honest, they saw their job as parents as involving providing food, clothes and shelter. Both came from deprived, somewhat dysfunctional backgrounds, so were never really parented themselves, even by the norms of their childhoods. I'm in my early 50s and they're in their early 80s.

My parents never played with me at all and I don’t remember being read to. I notice now that my mother just doesn’t connect with children or babies despite claiming that she loves them. She has absolutely no idea what to do. Which makes me think…

I'm 40 and my parents never played with me.
It's a pretty new concept for parents to be on the ground playing with kids, I'm not sure which way is 'better' parenting, I guess we will see with time.

I’m mid 40s and I don’t remember my parents doing any kind of imaginative play with us, but I do remember my mum trying to teach me crafts and my dad playing card games and chess and monopoly. We had plenty of toys and I had a sibling close in age to play with. I don’t remember being read to either, but I know I had books even when I was a baby so they must have been read to me. I could read before I started school so maybe I just don’t remember being young enough. I played with my children when they were little and they were read to everyday until they were about 10, but I don’t know if they remember now several years later.