I don’t think my parents played or read to me at all when I was a child

[Mum27383]

I didn’t give it much thought growing up. I was fed, clothed, loved to some extent, and financially provided for. They took me to lots of places and I did lots of activities, just not with them.

Now I have kids, one is a baby. My parents are gaga over them but they don’t how to connect with them. I was so puzzled as it shouldn’t be that hard if you’re had kids yourself. I had to show my Dad - told him you can’t just coo over a distance and expect things to happen. I told him to sit on the floor at baby’s level, baby was waving a toy, so I got a similar toy and waved it back at her and she responded enthusiastically. Dad copied me, but then kept shaking the toy at her repeatedly long after she had moved on, like he didn’t know what else to do. They don’t do the usual instinctive thing of making faces at babies to make them laugh either.

It’s a bit weird isn’t it? That got me thinking that I don’t actually have any memories
of them playing with me or reading to me, though they provided plenty of books and toys. Is this unusual? I’m in my 40s so wondering if it’s partly a generational thing. I was a vociferous reader and I did go to uni so I don’t think lack of reading to me hurt me. I do find imaginative play a bit difficult but it’s fine if a bit boring for long periods.

I do wonder if there is neurodiversity there - it is definitely in one of my kids, probably in me, and I’ve kind of suspected it in my parents too.

Also I'm not sure it is truly generational as I remember my grandparents looking after us when my DPs were at work and we played endless amounts of games, imaginary play, putting on shows etc. They genuinely enjoyed playing and interacting with us and they were both born in the 1930s.

This sounds just wonderful, the best of all things.

mom worked for my whole life until she retired
had all the books i wanted,had toys but onlyones i played with
barbies because i like to make clothes for them
me first 45s was stones and yardbirds. and buddy holly
but she didnt spend time with me no hugs
dad would bring me packing crates of books
any science things i wanted handcrafts,i learned to bead ,candles
fixed my bike when needed
worked in her fabric store opened when i was 13
so lttle interest to me in general except to make a self aware adult
and be able to survive alone if needed

I used to make clothes for my dolls too, mainly Sindys and a few Pippas.

I have faint but fond memories of my parents playing with me as a child, and even as a teenager, thanks to a long and happy upbringing. Growing up in a farming family, my dad had all of us, myself included, helping on the farm from an early age, while my mom taught us essential life skills. My parents weren’t perfect, but looking back, it was a good balance of working hard and playing hard.

When I hear mothers here claim that the only way for children to gain life skills and become independent adults is to move to another city at 18, handle everything on their own without any help, live with loans and debt, and never return home, it strikes me as pretty absurd.

My parents were much the same: very little interactive play with their children.

But I'm from the generation above yours, OP. I was born in the 1950s and my children are now in their mid 40s, so I'm probably a similar age to your parents.

I think your parents are quite unusual and the experience you had, of somewhat distant parents who didn't play with you or read to you, was not the norm for children born in the 1980s. Most parents at that time would have spent a lot of time playing with, and reading to, their children. I know that DH and I certainly did - and so did all the other parents that I knew at the time. We all wanted to be more "hands on" than our own parents had been.

This is interesting. My parents read to me and played board games , took me to dance classes and I aspired to be the same kind of parent.
I had my child at 41. I read to them , encouraged them to join classes , played with them but they just seemed to get bored . Obviously, when they were little they did engage - park , reading , etc but by the time they were about 6 they just weren’t interested.

I’m a similar age to you OP and my parents were the same with a slight exception. I do remember my dad telling me bedtime stories when I was young (making them up not reading to me). My mum started teaching me to read as a very small toddler. I could read quite well by the time I was 3yo and could write soon after. But I think mum did this so I could read books to myself and keep myself entertained. 😆

never played a game with me or my brother. She used to let me help her with baking which is about the only time we spent doing something together. I was fairly feral as a kid, latchkey kid from the age of 7yo and was literally out and about playing with kids in the village even at 5yo.

All those saying they can't really remember their parents playing with them, did you do it differently with your children? Assuming no additional needs.

My dad would join my games occasionally, but really just a handful of times. Mostly time with him was hanging out in the garage whilst he cracked on with diy. I spent a lot of time hammering nails into bits of wood or exploring the toolbox and was quite content! When I got older we might have played badminton and squash, but that doesn't feel like the stuff people mean here.

Mum and I would mainly craft. She'd make me playdough, or salt dough, or taught me to sew. I had this paper flower press thing and we made miles of vines and 3d flowers to decorate my bedroom. We played scrabble when I was old enough, though she was always viciously competitive which put me off. My grandparents played a lot of board games with me if I went there after school.

Now I'm a mum I'm quite similar tbh. I'll do activities, crafting, baking etc with the smalls and we play board games but at home if they're engaged in imaginative play or lego or dolls or whatever I'll get my book or craft or generally be in the same space but doing my own thing. When we're out and about we tend to play I guess, lots of imaginative games where sticks are magic wands or we're looking for signs of fairies (usually trying to get them round a walk!). DH joins rough and tumble play occasionally and can be a troll under a bridge in a playground or whatever, but not really playing at home. Doesn't feel like a bad thing to me. They'll come and ask me to play a game occasionally, but that always means cards or a board game.

We do read together a lot. Or listen to an audiobook or podcast together. Family of book worms.

Must admit I loathe board games so would play sometimes, but shorter ones like TrafficJam but I’d try and avoid Monopoly. Read to Dd every night until she was in secondary school. We’d do some craft stuff together and loads of days out, going out walking, geocaching, to the museum, etc.

One odd thing is when Dd was at primary school my parents had split by then. My mum used to have a bee in her bonnet that I didn’t do enough stuff in the evenings with Dd. I didn’t know it at the time but if Dd was ever at my mums for the weekend my mum would make her write me a letter saying she felt neglected and unloved. Dd told me this when she was an adult (after my mum had died) and said she’d promise my mum she’d give me the letter but would bin it instead. I can’t get my head round that when my mum did next to nothing with me. But I remember my dad telling me that he never knew anyone who spent as much time with their kids/did as much with them as I did with Dd.

My mum wasn’t much for playing, but I do remember my dad rolling about on the floor with us or playing sport. My mum did the reading and homework. DH had a similar upbringing to yourself, he describes it as ‘functional’ and not much fun. 1970’s/80’s. He’s quite bitter about it actually. Left for uni and never returned.

I'm 57. My parents played with me, we did art together, read to us, played games like badminton and so on, took us swimming; played games in the pool, told us jokes and stories, did cooking together, sewing, chatted with us etc. We'd have family friends over and we'd socialise and sometimes play games altogether with the family. My dad used to enjoy setting up fun tournaments of different games on these occasions. They both used to be involved in our birthday parties which were mostly games. My dad often wrote story based games.

My dad probably did more because my mum did more of the day to day looking after. But mum was great when we were a bit older if we wanted to get any worries off our chests, listening to us.

They probably did less helping with homework. But it wasn't something that school expected of children now. With my dd we were invited to come in to learn how they taught children maths and literacy so we could actively help!

The main generational difference ime is parents now have boards like Mumsnet where we monitor* what we all do with our kids more!!

• for want of a better word.

I know would have been too young to remember stuff before 5 or 6. But I don’t have any memories at all of them engaging with me in a way that wasn’t practical apart from a couple of very specific examples like chess and tennis. They did take me to a lot of places. 🤷‍♀️

When I saw how awkward my parents are with my kids it got me thinking about early years too. It’s not even that they’ve forgotten - because I think you would eventually remember peek-a-boo or how to pull faces or anything really that delights babies, there must be some muscle memory even if you haven’t been around babies for decades. I’m pretty sure they just never did it. My dad especially acts like he’s never been around babies before. When he talks to her, he just says “hello, hello” in an high voice and that’s pretty much it, no baby talk but no regular talking either. My mum is instructing him how to hold her, pointing out she’s not interested etc. I’m not trying to be judgemental but it just makes me feel a bit sad.

Re reading yes I probably wouldn’t remember anything before 5 or 6 either, so it’s not impossible, but they haven’t showed any interest in using books (which are mixed with the toys) to interact with my kids either.

@Mum27383 I don't think everyone is naturally good with babies. I know someone whose FIL showed no interest at all when her long~awaited baby arrived. She was absolutely gutted by his lack of interaction with his 1st DGS. But, a few years on, he is very hands on and loves playing with his DGC. You may find that things change as your DD grows older . . . .

They were very different times. My father was born in 1935, and he grew up during the war years. His father was away for most of those years, and his mother was raising 4 children, without any modern conveniences, whilst also having up to 20 people sheltering in the home to escape the city bombing at night. My mother was boarded from the age of 4 yrs old. Their experiences were a world away from ours and yes, they parented differently.

My DF did both and he also took me places. My DM did nothing.

This was exactly how it was with my DS. My DF was heavily involved with him and really enjoyed his company. My DM just sat there blankly.

She wasn't ND, she just didn't see any value in any relationship if she wasn't getting money or attention.

Agree probably generational but also most of us won't remember anything from before the age of 3yrs, so how do we really know what our parents did/didn't do with us before then?

Agree probably generational but also most of us won't remember anything from before the age of 3yrs, so how do we really know what our parents did/didn't do with us before then?

I have younger siblings and don't ever remember my parents sitting on the floor and playing with them