I don’t think my parents played or read to me at all when I was a child

[Mum27383]

I didn’t give it much thought growing up. I was fed, clothed, loved to some extent, and financially provided for. They took me to lots of places and I did lots of activities, just not with them.

Now I have kids, one is a baby. My parents are gaga over them but they don’t how to connect with them. I was so puzzled as it shouldn’t be that hard if you’re had kids yourself. I had to show my Dad - told him you can’t just coo over a distance and expect things to happen. I told him to sit on the floor at baby’s level, baby was waving a toy, so I got a similar toy and waved it back at her and she responded enthusiastically. Dad copied me, but then kept shaking the toy at her repeatedly long after she had moved on, like he didn’t know what else to do. They don’t do the usual instinctive thing of making faces at babies to make them laugh either.

It’s a bit weird isn’t it? That got me thinking that I don’t actually have any memories
of them playing with me or reading to me, though they provided plenty of books and toys. Is this unusual? I’m in my 40s so wondering if it’s partly a generational thing. I was a vociferous reader and I did go to uni so I don’t think lack of reading to me hurt me. I do find imaginative play a bit difficult but it’s fine if a bit boring for long periods.

I do wonder if there is neurodiversity there - it is definitely in one of my kids, probably in me, and I’ve kind of suspected it in my parents too.

I don’t remember my parents playing with me specifically, or at least not imaginative games. We did play board and card games, and Dad would attempt to play ball and racquet games in the garden. Crafts weren’t really a thing outside of school, or maybe I just wasn’t interested.

I know they read to me when I was very young but not once I was old enough to read by myself. I don’t think I would have wanted them to once I could read, though - definitely preferred to do my own thing.

I'm a 1970s baby and my parents played with me and read to me a lot. They are wonderful grandparents too.

I think we need to separate out playing and interacting.

My parents didn’t do imaginative play, dolls, crafts, or board/card games till I was older. They did read to me but not past the age where I could read well myself. I was expected to entertain myself a lot.

But they did talk to me, sing, cuddle, tell me they loved me. It didn’t feel like they were absent, it’s just that they were being parents rather than friends.

Personally I think the expectations on parents are enormous these days and have probably gone a bit too far - especially things like having to pretend to be a baby unicorn. Kids can do that with their friends at nursery or school and their friends will be much better at it.

I think you have to accept that they aren't interested in learning to play with your baby, and they think that just hanging about is going to make your DD love them. You can't change them.

My Grandparents probably did more with me than my Mum, but she was a single parent and run ragged, although I also don't think it would ever have been her vibe anyway.

Same here. So they never read to me or listened to me read but bought me books. I’ll be honest I have to wonder if we’ve gone too far the other way? So many schools struggle to get children to enjoy reading but yet (those of us in our 40’s) seem to love reading, maybe it was good that we were taught to be independent and decode it ourselves? I cannot do imaginative for more than 2 minutes with my children but do try and play board games etc. I don’t think anyone came on TV and talked about parenting in the 80’s, now we’re bombarded with it! I’m envious of those times tbh, it’s exhausting now.

My granny never played with me but I still remember her as a lovely granny. She often had me to stay, she was interested in me and talked to me about my life and my thoughts, she did maths puzzles with me, she involved me in what she was doing, she spoiled me in little ways and cuddled me.

None of this was “playing” - but it didn’t matter at all.

I don't have a single memory of my father playing with me - not reading a book, kicking a ball in the garden, playing a game or with toys.

He was always somewhere else. When he was at home, he was in his study.

He openly said when I was older that he found small children boring and found us much more interesting when we were teenagers, as if it was all about him and what he wanted/needed from the relationship....

He tried a little harder with his grandchildren but still pretty much on his own terms

Yes maybe. I don’t think they even know how to do peek-a-boo sadly. There are so many books and toys scattered around the living room but they haven’t tried using them apart from waving them at baby. I find it really odd - surely there is some instinct to know how to play with toys yourself.

Re play, I think what equally sad is that is I don’t have many memories of interacting with my parents in any meaningful way - no crafts, sewing, cooking or board games - though my dad did teach me chess which we played a handful of times and tennis which we went through a short phase of. It’s like we spent our lives in parallel. We did watch a lot of TV together I guess. Maybe a warning to me on screentime with my kids - I’d hate for that to be their overriding memory.

They may be better with your DD when she is older and they can chat to her. If they are interested grandparents in that way it is nice still.

My GPs didn't play with toys but taught me baking, knitting, scrabble. And asked about my life.

Sadly my Mum and MIL have now both become that self centred turn everything into a story about them, and wonder why my kids go off to their bedrooms after 30 mins. They used to be better, but seem unable to interact with my teens who are quite chatty really.

Same here @Mum27383 . I still remember my own mother's look of horror when I was down on the floor with DS1 when he was a baby and I was stacking plastic stackers for him to knock down. She asked me what I was doing and I remember being a bit surprised and saying I was playing with DS and she harrumphed and told me I was making a rod for my own back.

It made me reflect back on my own childhood and I realised I didn't have a single memory of her playing with us or reading to us either. She also proudly relays how she used to wheel us down the garden in our prams for the afternoon, whilst she "attended to all the other matters". I presume we howled away all on our own where no one could here us!!!! I'm only mid-50s too.

Ah but I have an older DC who is trickier to interact with (speech delays) - no matter how
much suggest following his interests they only want to ask questions about school. 🤷‍♀️ I thought it would be easier for them with a baby.

How annoying. So they are just going to be permanently disappointed grandparents that for some reason their GDC don't adore them, and they just don't understand why! Frustrating for you.

Apologies. I wrote my post in the wrong place and now don’t seem to be able to remove the message box

There’s different kinds of “play” or connecting with a baby. Singing to baby is a lovely way to engage. Or dancing. Or having baby with you when you cook and wafting nice spices under their nose. Or singing your own favourite pop songs to them, Or taking them round the garden and describing the different flowers that you see. I couldn’t play in what people might perceive as a traditional way. Maybe because of trauma or maybe because of neurodiversity. But my connection to my baby grew and down the years they never had any trouble in connecting with others and playing as you might “expect” a child to play.

We played outside a lot! So parents definitely weren’t part of that. I was read to and we did things together such as baking and looking after pets but there definitely wasn’t the playing that I do with my child.

I’m in my 60s and don’t recognise a lot of what has been said. Both my parents (born in the 1920s) loved interacting with children and both were very good at it.

My mother was a teacher, which probably helped, and my father had a big extended family and was used to playing with and looking after younger cousins from an early age.

They read to us and I also remember my father making up stories for us. That was usually done when we went out for the day (we were made to sit down quietly for half an hour after we had eaten our picnic so telling us a story was a perfect way to occupy us).

For many activities, our parents set them up and then left us to get on with them, and we were definitely encouraged to play independently - whether in the garden or doing something like painting or other craft activities, jigsaw puzzles or playing with building bricks or Lego etc.

We did play cards and board games together as a family, but looking back I think both my parents played more with my children than they did with my siblings and me. I think they simply had more time then.

I was one of 4 children born in a 6 year period. My father was at work all day in the week and my mother went back to work part time when my youngest sibling was 4. By the time my children were born, my parents were in their 70s and retired.

My mother used to put on puppet shows with the children or play cards or draughts with them or run around outside.

My father made many wooden toys for his grandchildren and loved helping them play with them. He also loved playing outside with them: eg football or other ball games, pushing them on swings, and helping them make sandcastles or dam streams at the beach.

Depends what you mean by playing - mine definitely did lots of physical play/interaction like peek a boo and horsey rides when we were little and sports and board games when we were older, but they never did imaginative play or played with dolls/cars with us.
I never do that kind of play either though, can't think of anything worse than imaginative play as an adult 😂

Regarding the being read to do you think you can’t remember because you were too young to remember? I could read by the time I went to school and so could my 3 DC .My parents taught me to read so we obviously had books and they were into reading but I have few memories of them reading to me. I have more memories of my favourite books such as The Magic Faraway Tree and so on.

Memory can be unreliable. I read to all my children and only stopped once they were about 9 or 10. A few months ago I asked my youngest (now 16) if he remembers a certain book. He said no. On further questioning he claimed not to remember being read to at all (although my eldest did). Looks like I wasted my time with him!

I don't think my DP's ever sat on the floor and played with us when we were small but, from the age of about 6, I remember them helping us with jigsaws, teaching us to play chess and other board games and they read to us regularly. DM taught me to knit when I was about 7 and helped me make clothes for my dolls. They were extremely supportive of anything to do with our education

I was brought up in the 1950's/60's, had several older siblings who played with the younger ones so perhaps my DP's felt no need to play with us

We were rarely read to, were never taken to activities.
Im 50 and my parents are in the 70s and this definitely wasn’t the norm, but they thought they were amazing for feeding at clothing us.

My DM almost takes it as an affront that we are doing things differently !

I do think not reading to a child is pretty poor. It’s slack now and was 40 years ago too.

I don’t remember doing much playing with my parents as a kid - we did do crafts and outdoor games like frisbee sometimes.

I'm in my mid 40s and also have no memories of my parents playing with me. I played with siblings and we were out a lot of the time on our bikes and what not... ah the 80s. I obviously don't have many memories from before the age of 4 though, I'm sure my mum must have played with me then...who knows.

I can very clearly remember my long suffering grandmother having to play endless games of shops. We had an elaborate collection of packets and jars etc kept for playing and a till which would take over the sitting room. She had scripts and everything, if she didn’t say it right I made her do it again and again 😂

My other grandma had a caravan and we used to play for hours in that in the holidays (just on the drive!). We’d get all the plates out and I’d “cook” at the stove and we’d sit all the teddies around the table etc.

My mum was very good at the role play too - lots of “schools” and also pony based playing in our house. Plus crafts and outdoor play obviously. My dad was always in the tree house with us and although they were broke until I was about 8 we always had books and did lots of reading.

i was born in 78 so this would’ve been early 80’s more than 70’s I guess. My parents weren’t perfect but we had a lovely childhood and they are giving my daughter the same.

My parents read to and played with us but my DH's parents not so much. His dad especially was very hands off and distant. So much so that he has absolutely no idea how to interact or play with any of his many grandchildren despite having 5 kids of his own.