Why can't I just BE better?

[mrsmumbles]

I'm doing life all wrong. I have been, all my life, just wrong. I've always been socially awkward and overweight, and a bit of an acquired taste.

Despite this I bagged myself a very handsome husband, have two lovely kids and a nice house, and a great job. I've got good friends and I previously had some nice hobbies.

But I've been seriously falling apart since 2020 and I'm so close to feeling like I need to throw in the towel. I'm so fed up, absolutely fucking exhausted, of being me. My life is, on paper, fantastic and I'm very privileged. But I am so stuck and unhappy and lethargic and I drink too much and my marriage is very close to ending. I'm struggling to cope at work (not that anyone knows or would be able to tell) and really finding it hard to maintain friendships. I quit my hobbies because I was too scared of one and just couldn't be good enough at the other.

I push myself forward as much as I can each day but still, my house is a tip, it's never tidy enough and there's so much to do to make it nice, my marriage is at rock bottom, I'm a good 2 stone overweight, I don't go to sleep until 1 am despite making myself a million different bedtime routines, I can't enjoy anything. I don't feel anything and when I do feel something I feel irritated or angry or sad. I feel this baseline sense of panic, like a fluttering in my chest, that's there's all the time whether I'm cooking dinner or giving a big presentation at work.

I've been around the block with antidepressants in the past, and in and out of therapy. I use HRT gel and have a mirena coil. None of it seems to make a difference. I've always been a dour sort but I feel like I turned 40 and I looked back at my life with the blinkers off and I saw someone I really, really don't like, and she's not fixable or escapable. I feel like is see myself in technicolour now and I hate me. I'm not a nice person, in fact I'm a very different person than I thought I was, and it's excruciating to look back with fresh eyes on a lifetime of mistakes and not being good enough.

I'm so lethargic and stuck and I want to get up and do things but when it comes to it, I just can't. I can't and I don't know why. I just sit there staring at my bloody phone and making lists and then that's it. I know exactly what I need to do but it's like someone is controlling my mind to not do these things.

Don't know what I'm looking for here really. Maybe just to scream into the void.

Have you ever looked into ADHD and how it presents in women? Struggling with friendships, using alcohol as a coping mechanisms and that feeling of being 'stuck' rang some bells

You sound depressed, could you visit the GP? Get a cleaner to clean the house - one less problem. Maybe get help to declutter, and get a makeover?

Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? You seem extremely stressed and I'm wondering whether they might be able to sign you off for a couple of weeks. It might also be worth looking to having some counselling.

It isn't any good the doctor prescribing you antidepressants as that is only treating a symptom, not the cause.

It sounds like you’re struggling a lot internally. That baseline level of anxiety and hopelessness sounds indicative of underlying mental health issues. I understand that you have tried treatments that haven’t worked in the past. But unfortunately it’s not uncommon to have to try more than one drug, more than one therapist to hit on something that works. Maybe your hopelessness is preventing you from engaging with further treatments but I think that’s the way forward for you.

I'm in tears that so many of you have replied already. Thank you so much.

I have considered ADHD, autism, CPTSD, etc, @Cheeseandonioncrisp, they all seem to fit me and resonate in one way or another but I don't know where to go from there. I look at a list of any of the above online and feel I recognise 75% of it but then couldn't imagine going to see anyone and explaining my internal world well enough to either be diagnosed or taken seriously.

I've been back and forth to GP and various therapists about all of this for last 15 years, @RescueMeFromThisSilliness, @ThatBrickHiker and @vincettenoir. That's why I feel so stuck...I literally don't know what other avenue there is. I have hypothyroidism and genuinely feel like I cannot navigate the NHS anymore, the labyrinthine, frustrating and unempathetic treatment I've had over the years has really ground me down.

I had PND after both of my babies and I feel like it scarred me. The treatment both times (both medical and therapy) was so underwhelming and I don't think it ever worked. I also feel like I have this stupid way of masking up that I can't help, I do it at work and in front of healthcare people too, I feel like can't switch it off. It's how I go under the radar I think. No one in my life would guess I feel the way I do.

My poor husband and kids. What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't enjoy this life with them?

It’s not your fault OP and I think a lot of people do feel this way.

You mentioned about some hobbies- did they bring you some joy and happiness? I think it sounds like you need something for yourself that is just for enjoyment and not work or meeting anyone else’s expectations?

Oh, OP, this sounds so miserable for you. Whatever diagnosis you might have, sounds like actually taking some small steps might be helpful - might make you feel like you are getting somewhere? When you think about things, do you see the whole of what has to be done and get overloaded? Do you overthink and procrastinate a lot? There are some ADHD tool kit books which you can buy online which have some helpful hints.

Hows your self care? You sound really hard on yourself. A lot of people are struggling with the same things, it does not make them useless or not good enough. And most important, that means you are not useless or not good enough. Could you focus on doing something every day for yourself - even if it is sitting with a cup of coffee and really enjoying it? Self hatred can start easily enough but be really destructive - and for the vast majority of people is really unnecessary.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

Edited to add in a not to make the sentence make sense!

They did indeed bring me happiness @queenofwandss, one of them brought me a lot of joy for decades - but it was a risky sport that I totally lost my bottle with over the last few years. I became so nervous that I was dangerous and couldn't do it anymore. I feel so sad about it - it was a huge part of who I thought I was. The other was an artistic thing and I also lost my mojo with it, everything I produced was just shite and I felt like I couldn't be as good at it as I wanted to be so I stopped.

@MrsChristmasHasResigned I definitely do all of those things. And my self care is pretty lacking. Everything just feels like going through the motions. I can have a nice bath and eat well and see friends and what not but I'm still me after all of that. It's unchanging.

I'm beginning to annoy myself now...and probably all of you too! I don't want to be one of those people who post and then have a depressing rebuttal for every excellent suggestion anyone makes. That's the thing, I do basically know what I need to do to feel at least a bit better - but none of it will change that even after it all I will still be me, and none of it seems to lift that feeling of someone literally sitting on me or controlling my mind, it never goes away.

You are all so kind. Thank you for taking the time to reply, each one of you. I really appreciate it.

Do you have a very vocal critical inner voice?

To me it sounds like you lack discipline.

Discipline is what makes us go to bed at reasonable hour, not drink on a regular basis, and wake up early at the crack of dawn to exercise.

Each time we achieve a hard task because of discipline (like doing a 5am workout), our confidence grows and it helps us to be more organised (and more strict with ourselves) in other aspects of our life.

Discipline is tough to establish, and even tougher to maintain - but it dramatically improves a lot of key aspects of our life.

A person with strong discipline (and as I said above - that takes time to develop) would set aside a free hour whenever they have it free - and just get up and clean the house. I feel like these days we overlook discipline and realise that this is something we need to work on.

First thing I see is on here is: depression. ADHD....

I felt a bit like you until recently. I recommend the book the dose effect - I haven't read it all but heard the author on a podcast and found it so interesting. I listened to some of the audiobook and bought a copy - it explains how your brain chemistry actually works and what helps and what doesn't. I've found it very motivating and been able to get out of the cycle of lists a little.

Agree with this. The book I mentioned describes discipline as a muscle you work out. The more you do it the stronger it becomes!

How much are you drinking?

Sorry you are feeling this way, I feel similar sometimes. I struggle with daily tasks and worry about when I become a mum but on the other hand I have a free evening tonight and I can’t relax my mind is full of ideas I never manage to finish.
do you like gardening? I find it stops my mind wandering.
i would consider asking for a ADHD assessment I am waiting for mine the right to choose is helping.

i know there are lots of apps to help us getting moving.

sounds like you lack self confidence? Also with your marriage on the rocks is making it hard to see positivity? Do you think working on this might help other areas? Do you make time for date nights and or have shared hobbies?

I have absolutely no advice, but just want to say that I relate to so much of what you said. I probably could have written your OP a few years ago (then DH died and things fell apart even more). I am not depressed, I have been depressed to the point of making plans to end my life and don’t feel like that, but am failing at life. I hope you find some support here and things feel a bit better in time.

You sound like my friend who was diagnosed with adhd in early 40’s

Have either of you considered empathy?

a woman posts about how she’s not good enough and struggling with everything and you choose to tell her she’s not disciplined enough and if she put in the effort she’d clean the house. 🤯

@mrsmumbles it sounds like you are deeply depressed and the antidepressants and therapy the NHS has punted at you over the years haven’t worked. Other issues may potentially be impacting that.

Last summer I decided to give that weird wee flow headset you see advertised all over the place a go to see if it might help me. I’ve no idea if it was just the placebo effect but it made a huge difference within a couple of weeks. Made sitting with the slightly stingy, itchy thing on for 30 mins worthwhile.

once I felt a bit better, I could start getting more exercise and trying to tackle my weight etc. I’m still working on the consistently having a clean house bit.

Interestingly, I received an email today about a new book by Nir Eyal, the premise of which is that it is not lack of discipline or willpower that holds people back, but the beliefs they hold about themselves. That really resonates with the very negative way in which you talk about yourself. The book is not out until March but it might be worth preordering and I am sure he will be doing the podcast circuit to talk about it. https://www.nirandfar.com/beyond-belief/?vgo_ee=dOHrI7MyjBYBGTeEM8L3vxnizvuiJKspiD3gEJzJxhnHKBy9rSeM5sFf%2BkNC%3AKA%2BQMyDwS5CJRI3iDOucTGZMrzQehSme

Just to say I am not linked to the author in any way, but have found a previous book of his 'Indistractible' interesting and useful, and he has good credentials- ex Stanford etc.

hmmm, I don't want to diss your suggestion but it looks gimmicky to me.
It has a 'The 30-Day Belief Transformation Journal' which kind of makes it seem like an episode of Changing Rooms.

I've suffered from CPTSD and I have spent well over 30 years trying to change my core beliefs (along with other changes).
I suspect if the OP has been suffering this long, she too could have CPTSD and there is no short cuts to resolving that other than years of psychotherapy (unless you include drugs which may alleviate some of the symptoms)

Whilst I agree with previous comments that keeping the promises you make to yourself and being disciplined is key to good self esteem, the 'stuck' feeling you can get with neuro divergence and depression is not a lack of discipline. You could have all the will in the world, but it feels like being stuck in treacle.

I do, @LoserSnoozer. I have had all my life. I remember feeling that horrible internal cringe from a very young age. I know the voice is a horrible bully. Funnily enough it says the same sort of things @inezname says in their post, only worse because it knows me and all my secrets.

@inezname I completely agree with you. You're spot on. I often have periods of good discipline but then my mood drops and it goes out the window. I clean my house daily (often feels like endlessly) as I really like cleaning, it makes me feel happy and occupies my mind, and I like the end result. But it's "done", never good enough. If you came to my house you'd think it was lovely, everyone does, but I don't think it is really, truly. I don't have any confidence in myself at all to stick with anything because I've shown myself so often that I'm incapable of that, even after a good run of doing so. What do I do next, do you think? Do you have advice?

Not sure, @GasperyJacquesRoberts. Anywhere between 4 and 25 units a week? It really fluctuates according to my mood and what is going on.

I've never heard of that, @MyNattyCrow - thank you for the suggestion. I will research it. And thank you @Fayrazzled and @mumofbun for the book recs. I do like gardening @mumofbun but I'm in a really dry clay area and anything I do just turns to shit. Nothing grows properly and I don't have the strength to do a lot of things I want to without help, or the money or time to keep on top things. The garden has massively deteriorated since we bought the house and that's my fault and it makes me sad to just look at my garden now, let alone garden in it.

Back at you, @Smallorangecat, and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's horrible isn't it. Sending hugs of solidarity.

Ah sweetheart.
I’ve been there, and it’s absolutely shite. The bloody inertia, the alcohol, the self hatred.
i was diagnosed with ADHD, which was all well and good, but didn’t solve anything.

During lockdown I was absolutely fucked. There was nobody to regulate me.
I watched that Wim Hof TV thing (Freeze the Fear). I decided to try cold water. Why not?

I have taken a cold shower every morning since.
I have even been to Poland and done the whole crazy week.
Cold snaps me out of myself.

Have a look on YouTube for Peter Crone. He has done some really interesting work helping people to reframe the inner voice.
I like his messages.
I check out his channel when I’m sliding a bit.

I also enjoy Dr Joe Dispenza meditations, and his audiobooks on audible. There’s something empowering about them.

I have no thyroid gland, so I take Levo. No other medication now.
I was diagnosed with cancer last year, so there have been wobbles. It gave me a necessary kick up the arse.

You’ve done exactly what anyone would do, given your experiences.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
You need to find a thing that is for you, that makes you remember you again.
x

Would your hubby garden with you? Could you get a few raised beds? Or even just a nice place to sit and be in nature

@mrsmumbles

Because of your critical inner voice and tendency to self sabotage it may be useful to read up on Structural dissociation which happens to your mind when you experience complex trauma as a child.

This website helps to explain it
eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/