Why can't I just BE better?

[mrsmumbles]

I'm doing life all wrong. I have been, all my life, just wrong. I've always been socially awkward and overweight, and a bit of an acquired taste.

Despite this I bagged myself a very handsome husband, have two lovely kids and a nice house, and a great job. I've got good friends and I previously had some nice hobbies.

But I've been seriously falling apart since 2020 and I'm so close to feeling like I need to throw in the towel. I'm so fed up, absolutely fucking exhausted, of being me. My life is, on paper, fantastic and I'm very privileged. But I am so stuck and unhappy and lethargic and I drink too much and my marriage is very close to ending. I'm struggling to cope at work (not that anyone knows or would be able to tell) and really finding it hard to maintain friendships. I quit my hobbies because I was too scared of one and just couldn't be good enough at the other.

I push myself forward as much as I can each day but still, my house is a tip, it's never tidy enough and there's so much to do to make it nice, my marriage is at rock bottom, I'm a good 2 stone overweight, I don't go to sleep until 1 am despite making myself a million different bedtime routines, I can't enjoy anything. I don't feel anything and when I do feel something I feel irritated or angry or sad. I feel this baseline sense of panic, like a fluttering in my chest, that's there's all the time whether I'm cooking dinner or giving a big presentation at work.

I've been around the block with antidepressants in the past, and in and out of therapy. I use HRT gel and have a mirena coil. None of it seems to make a difference. I've always been a dour sort but I feel like I turned 40 and I looked back at my life with the blinkers off and I saw someone I really, really don't like, and she's not fixable or escapable. I feel like is see myself in technicolour now and I hate me. I'm not a nice person, in fact I'm a very different person than I thought I was, and it's excruciating to look back with fresh eyes on a lifetime of mistakes and not being good enough.

I'm so lethargic and stuck and I want to get up and do things but when it comes to it, I just can't. I can't and I don't know why. I just sit there staring at my bloody phone and making lists and then that's it. I know exactly what I need to do but it's like someone is controlling my mind to not do these things.

Don't know what I'm looking for here really. Maybe just to scream into the void.

OP, you mentioned hypothyroidism, that you're erratic with your meds and that the NHS has been hard to navigate. I would bet the house that this underlies everything. Every single thing you've mentioned is something I experienced with poorly treated hypothyroidism. The low mood, the envisaging but not acting on plans, the confidence dips, the apathy towards relationships, the self-critisism. The dragging yourself through the minimum, the inability to focus enough to do your best. The tiredness, the flatness, the sleeplessness, the faking it to the point you dont know you're doing it and can't be truthful even to yourself.

I really, really recommend getting on top of this. You do need to do some reading and I recommend Thyroid UK as a starting point. Be warned that some people never feel right on T4 (levo) only, which is all the NHS will prescribe. Many people, including me, only feel optimal on some T3, which is the active form of the thyroid hormone. T4 is an inactive, storage form which has to be converted for your body to use, and some of us don't convert it well. I've ended up going to a private thyroid specialist, to get the right tests and the right meds without a constant battle, and it's the best money I've ever spent. (Happy to send you details if you want to PM me but Thyroid UK have a list of practitioners on their website too). Good luck!

I have the highly critical voice of my mother, long dead, still playing in my head and making me feel like shit. There are all kinds of tools you can use. I’m big on affirmations and Emotional Freedom Technique. You can take your pick of what appeals to you.

I am also a life long insomniac and no tools at all are going to help when I am so tired. Every good intention from being kind to my husband, self compassionate, keeping my house up, whatever else, is just not sustainable.

I have to focus on my sleep first and foremost. Missing a couple hours every night adds up. Also it’s hard to know or come to understand about your sleep quality the rest of the night.

There are many tools for insomnia as well and it’s worth the effort to get deeper than the standard sleep hygiene advice and discover what is right for you. Everyone is going to have different needs so I will not advise. Of course, none of the easy and obvious hacks were helpful for me. 🙄 It took some time and effort but until I made my sleep my number one priority, without distraction, I was not successful with any other therapies.

In moments of “why is my house messy and why am I a bad cook and disorganised” I think back to the childhood me with dreams and ambitions and ask myself if being good at any of those things were ever ambitions of mine. The answer’s no.

Being a good mum, good wife, good worker, good cook etc are just society expectations and peer pressure that creeps in over time. There are no medals for anyone good at those things.

So much of this resonates with me, particularly the house cleaning endlessly but it never really being good enough. Complete lack of confidence in self due to fear of failure. Are you a perfectionist? ‘All or nothing’ sort of thinking and behaviour? I relate to so much of what you say- I have also had periods of drinking too much (as well as getting addicted to/a bit too reliant on all sorts of other things).

I have just been diagnosed with ADHD- literally received the letter and report today. I don’t think this knowledge is going to change my life, but it has made me feel a bit relieved and determined to be kinder to myself.

Reading a few replies to this post I recommend the movie “Stutz”, cheaper than therapy or any kind of diagnosis.

Yes, as I found to my cost before diagnosis!

Read ‘The chimp paradox’ I think it will help you op

This is me.I would love to know who you went to privately. I seem unable to PM you. Could you PM me please?

Mmm yes except it is literally a habit forming thing, isn’t it, discipline? And when you have Adhd you can’t really form habits easily - because habit forming requires dopamine. Where as you might get a buzz putting the washing away folded, someone with adhd will get the same buzz drinking alcohol or staying up late doom scrolling - folding washing doesn’t touch the sides. So no, it isn’t quite as simple as that. If you think fully grown adults enjoy spending their time chastising themselves for not ‘being able’ to brush their teeth regularly, or wash their make up off regularly, or not being able to tidy the house except with any sense of regularity, while they scrabble around trying to pretend to the outside world that they are functioning in the way they know they should, in the way their intellect and education certainly allows for, yet somehow they just fuck it up over and over and over again…then you’re very much mistaken - and very lucky to not have experienced this.

people with adhd suffer with depression, low self worth, addiction, to experience abusive relationships more likely to get pregnant due to risky sex behaviour or abusive relationships, they lose jobs, many don’t graduate school with passable grades, all while being told day in and day out ‘why don’t you just be normal?’, ‘why don’t you just be more disciplined?’, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, ‘why don’t you work harder’. It isn’t necessary to question the legitimacy of something while giving advice - I mean you could’ve just said ‘have you tried being more disciplined?’ But no, you decided to try discrediting the op (just lazy) and adhd (doesn’t reeeally exist) all in one go. Go you.

OP, do you have a lot of regular negative thoughts? Like what’s the point in life we all die anyway kinda thing? That’s also a sign of adhd not just depression, so if you found antidepressants do nothing for you, it might point to adhd. I think when it’s been your whole life, and you actively don’t want to be or enjoy being a ‘bad’ or ‘undisciplined’ person, you can usually assume it is neurodivergence of one sort or another.

Hi OP

just a quick one to say thanks for posting this. I recognise that spiralling self critic and have been really deep in it myself lately. This thread has reminded me it is part of my neurodivergence and has prompted me to maybe see my GP.

I have no answers to be honest. Just one step at a time, one small part of the day at a time.

Also telling yourself it is ‘just a thought’ every time you start beating up on yourself, to try and not get pinned down by them.

Good luck xxx

Op thanks so much for being brave enough to post this. I feel just as you described but I haven’t been brave enough to tackle it. This will help, I hope something helps you too.

"bagged myself", right?
In those two words you have the root cause of your misery.
You have treated your life like some sort of checklist with a list of items you had to acquire over time. A shallow and materialistic approach that may have delivered in the short run but it's nonetheless doomed in the long run.

Ah I’m sorry. It’s rubbish. Even now my levels are ‘normal’ but too worried to come off anti depressants!

Go part time. Try weight loss medication. Start some anti anxiety medication? You are pretty much me and that’s what I’ve had to do. I now have an extra day to destress and devote to hobbies and I’ve lost a stone which has helped with a number of issues.

I had to actually check I wasn't you OP! Your posts describe me to a tee.
Ex horse rider (too fat now but lost my nerve anyway!)
Hypothyroidism
Constantly cleaning but feeling like it isn't enough.
Really struggling at work in a job I have done for 15 years! Struggling with motivation to actually go to work.
My sleep is different though, I wouldn't be able to stay up till 1am I my life depended on it, I am usually in bed by 9pm.
No actual advice, (as you mentioned) the health care I have received has been dire and I avoid the gp now if at all possible.
Just wanted to wish you all the best 💐

If you wanted to get back into horses but not ride just yet there are lots of ways you could. Driving, liberty training, in hand showing just some examples. See if anyone in your local area has a horse that wants some extra fuss? Horses bring so much to my life it’s a shame that you’ve had to give up because you felt like you couldn’t do it any more!

could you get a private adhd assessment if you can’t face any more NHS? If it is actually ADHD you can take medication for it which really helps a lot of people. Very common for women with ADHD to have been diagnosed with depression only for antidepressants to not work for them because that’s not what they’ve got!

You've had lots of good advice on here, but one little thing that helped me was the advice to never say anything to myself that I wouldn't say to my best friend. I don't always manage it, but I am trying!

Also, don't underestimate how much of an effect an unhappy marriage will be having on your mental health. Is this something that you and your husband could tackle together, perhaps with couples therapy?

Good morning all. I'm really glad others have found useful advice and support in this thread and I'm astonished at how many of us are in exactly the same boat. It's validating and a relief to know I'm not alone - thank you for sharing your stories, and for all the kind care, empathy and reassurance that's been given, it's been just what I wanted and needed to receive even though I didn't know that when I posted.

Interestingly the advice that's continuing to come in that is quite practical is starting to feel uncomfortable, making me sad and feel disheartened. My inner voice is reacting in its usually horrible way. And somewhat reassuringly there's not much that I hadn't considered already (I mean that factually and not in a dismissive way at all). Upon reflection I think therefore I have a capacity problem and not an insight / solution-based one; I have considered lots of the practical things suggested but I go around in a spiral with them and don't take action, or they don't feel good when I do do them and I don't have the willpower or discipline to push through the initial discomfort to get to the good bit.

Seeing a private endocrinologist to address my longstanding hypothyroidism is an excellent example of this - I have considered this so many times but always perform the same mental loop:

"I could see a private endo couldn't I...that would be expensive, how do I know which one to pick? Should I contact people and do more online research to see the options [lengthy and pointless rabbit hole activity ensues] God there's so many options. I need to make a list. Although, you don't even take your levo properly as it is do you, so what could a private endo do? They would just tell you to stop being an idiot and do this one tiny thing properly every day, it's ridiculous that you can't do it and keep forgetting, set an alarm or something and just get a grip, you'll spend hundreds on something you already know the answer to, there's no point and it's totally unnecessary."

Another good example is resuming riding. If I had a pound for every time I'd researched or thought about all the different ways I could do this, I'd be a rich girl. But I always get in another mental loop that cycles through inspiration, excitement, doubt, uncertainty at the logistical issues, and then the internal bullying starts.

Rinse and repeat for every time I need to get up and DO something to help myself. I would never, ever speak to another person the way I do to myself, particularly when they had tried something, had a good run at it and then failed or had a hiccup for whatever reason. When that happens to me my inner voice is so cruel it's unbearable.

I am coming to see that I need to put my limited energy towards some of the foundational things that are going on to try and increase my capacity to act on some of the practical things. Upon reading some.of the ADHD resources you all shared I wonder if I've basically had some kind of meltdown last week, off the back of Christmas. I was in quite a bad place last week and I'm still feeling very wobbly (as you can all tell).

I'm going to look into the ADHD toolkits; the inner voice / CPTSD stuff; and try again to get on top of my thyroid meds. I'm going to say the opposite of what I'd usually say to myself and say, I can do this, I'm intelligent and capable and I can take this a day at a time.

Thank you so much again for all the support everyone. I'm so very grateful.

Hi OP,
In terms of your critical inner voice, it may seem counterintuitive but instead of attacking it, you need to treat it like your best friend and listen to it very carefully (which will be very hard at first).

Your critical inner voice is probably the best way to discover what your core beliefs are and learn how to heal

If you suffer trauma through neglect/abuse as a baby/child you believe that you are going to DIE!

The anger/rage that you should have directed at your parents/abuser, you internalise because you can't attack the only people who can keep you alive, ie your parents, so instead you direct it at yourself.

The trauma causes your brain/mind/psyche to split with one part being the self critical part and the other part being the normal part.The critical part is trying to protect you by keeping you down/hidden/invisible as that strategy kept you safe from your abuser as a child.

Obviously this is counter productive as an adult but unwiring your brain is very difficult and can only be achieved by understanding how/why it was wired that way in the first place.It's better to think of the critical part as a protective construct rather than an enemy.

Obviously working through this with a psychotherapist is easier than doing it on your own.

As someone with half a thyroid and five long time unridden (albeit now retired) horses in my garden I can relate! Your internal dialogue can be changed to a positive voice; I know that because it's part of what I do.

@mrsmumbles so glad that you are finding the fantastic support here helpful. I am!

re the post Christmas meltdown, it could be a burnout phase and dysregulated emotions, particularly if you are ND. There are ways to help you try and reset your balance.

my advice is don’t try and do everything at once, just pick a small change you can make. I totally get the sabotage head when considering changes… I’ve been looking at PDA ‘pathological demand avoidance’, which very much resonates particularly around exercise and losing weight.

i don’t have lots of answers or solutions as I’m still struggling with a lot of what you say myself but I am hopeful that at some point I will start enjoying life and feel a bit more fulfilled.

Can you share on here anything you find that helps pls

Someone once told me to talk to myself as though I was talking to a child - you say you wouldn’t talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself so maybe try that. It really helped me shut down the overly critical voice in my head.

Have a look at adhd love or listen to the late bloomers podcast - they talk a lot about shame spirals and how it’s easy get stuck

Oh OP, I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug and a big pack of giant chocolate buttons. Almost every word of your posts resonates deeply - a little too uncomfortably, it has to be said, and as a result, I need to write this quick message of support now, and then come back to a proper message later.

If it help, I'm 50, dealing with a harsh inner voice, a near-constant feel of overwhelm, going through menopause with little to no idea if/how HRT is helping, I have issues with my thyroid, and am diagnosed as ADHD and it feels like my symptoms have gone off the scale just lately.

On paper, everything looks bloody marvellous, but fuck me, it's hard work. I'm exhausted, stressed, filled with self loathing and a continual drive to 'just try harder' in case that solves everything, but I know it won't.

I need to ponder and then message properly, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone, and you sound bloody awesome, even though I know you won't be feeling anything like it.

Try and be kind to yourself while you figure things out. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, but get better it will, I firmly believe that.

OP it seems to me that the one thing that will be the most helpful to you is a divorce.