Why can't I just BE better?

[mrsmumbles]

I'm doing life all wrong. I have been, all my life, just wrong. I've always been socially awkward and overweight, and a bit of an acquired taste.

Despite this I bagged myself a very handsome husband, have two lovely kids and a nice house, and a great job. I've got good friends and I previously had some nice hobbies.

But I've been seriously falling apart since 2020 and I'm so close to feeling like I need to throw in the towel. I'm so fed up, absolutely fucking exhausted, of being me. My life is, on paper, fantastic and I'm very privileged. But I am so stuck and unhappy and lethargic and I drink too much and my marriage is very close to ending. I'm struggling to cope at work (not that anyone knows or would be able to tell) and really finding it hard to maintain friendships. I quit my hobbies because I was too scared of one and just couldn't be good enough at the other.

I push myself forward as much as I can each day but still, my house is a tip, it's never tidy enough and there's so much to do to make it nice, my marriage is at rock bottom, I'm a good 2 stone overweight, I don't go to sleep until 1 am despite making myself a million different bedtime routines, I can't enjoy anything. I don't feel anything and when I do feel something I feel irritated or angry or sad. I feel this baseline sense of panic, like a fluttering in my chest, that's there's all the time whether I'm cooking dinner or giving a big presentation at work.

I've been around the block with antidepressants in the past, and in and out of therapy. I use HRT gel and have a mirena coil. None of it seems to make a difference. I've always been a dour sort but I feel like I turned 40 and I looked back at my life with the blinkers off and I saw someone I really, really don't like, and she's not fixable or escapable. I feel like is see myself in technicolour now and I hate me. I'm not a nice person, in fact I'm a very different person than I thought I was, and it's excruciating to look back with fresh eyes on a lifetime of mistakes and not being good enough.

I'm so lethargic and stuck and I want to get up and do things but when it comes to it, I just can't. I can't and I don't know why. I just sit there staring at my bloody phone and making lists and then that's it. I know exactly what I need to do but it's like someone is controlling my mind to not do these things.

Don't know what I'm looking for here really. Maybe just to scream into the void.

Good evening into the void, I'm writing from a much calmer place tonight and just wanted to give huge thanks again to all who gave advice and support the other day.

@Eyesopenwideawake, @Forgotwhatimdoing, @LoserSnoozer and @Kalimeras I've found your advice and insights re my inner voice so helpful. I haven't done any in depth research yet but twice today I talked to myself as if I was a child or a friend and remembered your advice and it helped so, so much to stop the spiral I would normally have gone into.

@DaughterOfPearl, @Eyesopenwideawake, @Saharafordessert, @MynameisJune, @Kalimeras - guess bloody what - I've booked myself some riding lessons. Incredibly nervous if I let myself think to deeply about it but I'm going to do it and see where it goes. I start a course in a couple of weeks. I feel inordinately proud of myself.

@Waitingfordoggo and @Franjipanl8r, in a moment of complete serendipity I came across Rachel Cusk's 2016 essay "Making House". I read it, cried for 10 minutes, then read it twice again. If you read it, let me know if it resonates with you given that you both shared experiences and advice on this topic.

<a class="break-all" href="https://web-wp.archive.org/web/20221205183020/www.nytimes.com/2016/09/04/magazine/making-house-notes-on-domesticity.html?_r=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://web-wp.archive.org/web/20221205183020/www.nytimes.com/2016/09/04/magazine/making-house-notes-on-domesticity.html?_r=0

And @MrsChristmasHasResigned, @MynameisJune, @MrLarsonsNailGun, @ncduetooutingsituation, @Cheeseandonioncrisp, @DiffAbility, @AnotherNewNotebook, @Raisondeetre and @TheChicSnail, you are all completely lovely and insightful and you have given me such helpful advice, guidance, empathy and solidarity. I am sending you all huge virtual hugs. I've really tried to slow down and treat myself better this week in line with lots of the advice you all gave and it has been good. Today has been a better day.

Not sure when this period of calm will end (if anyone has insights on that, let me know!) but am trying to recognise it and not overthink it. Still having moments of dark thoughts but batting them away successfully for now.

Hope everyone that has commented on this thread is well and coping ok with storms if you have them. I've been enjoying my new book and listening to the rain. Night all.

@mrsmumbles this is so lovely to read. I’m glad you’re in a calmer place where you can see the darker thoughts for what they are.

Yay for the riding lessons, I hope you enjoy them. Remember it’s okay to plod around slowly, high adrenaline riding is for those that still bounce!

Your inner voice sounds so much like mine.
forgot to say that one useful thing I read was the book How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s both practical and compassionate and helps with the inner voice telling you you’re shit because you can’t keep on top of the housework.

@mrsmumbles your update has made me really happy - I'm so glad you're feeling brighter and stronger, and you've booked riding lessons! This is massive, and such a glorious thing to have done, for yourself, knowing the joy it will bring.

It's so easy at this time of year to rush headlong into ambitious plans for total transformation and all that happens is we crumple under the pressure and end up feeling worse because we were shit to begin with, and now we can't even improve ourselves to be less shit, which therefore makes us more shit.

Those of us who feel the same can empathise completely, and if it helps at all, I'm trying to focus on one small thing I can do each day to ease the burden a little and make life a little better and touch wood, I'm quite proud of the tiny things I've made so far.

Sunday
Sorted through make up/skincare when I discovered it has a use-by date. Who knew? I may or may not have thrown away products older than my middle child. She is 15.

Monday
Created in-depth plans with calendar reminders for crucial work stuff that I usually rely on in my head (and often then forget)

Tuesday
Delegated some tasks to another member of my team rather than holding onto them as I knew I could do it in five minutes, when in actual fact, it always takes much more.

Wednesday
Decanted pasta into nice jars. I now feel gloriously organised and as my youngest said, 'aesthetic'

Thursday
Replaced old pillows that gave me neck ache every single morning with new ones which are like sleeping on clouds.

Friday
Later on, I have a couple of podcasts on time management I want to listen to, to see if they'll help. I am terrible for a now or never mindset, and need to get better at this.

While none of these individual things will 'fix' me, they can make the day feel a little lighter and make me feel less like I'm drowning/failing/overwhelmed.