Why can't I just BE better?

[mrsmumbles]

I'm doing life all wrong. I have been, all my life, just wrong. I've always been socially awkward and overweight, and a bit of an acquired taste.

Despite this I bagged myself a very handsome husband, have two lovely kids and a nice house, and a great job. I've got good friends and I previously had some nice hobbies.

But I've been seriously falling apart since 2020 and I'm so close to feeling like I need to throw in the towel. I'm so fed up, absolutely fucking exhausted, of being me. My life is, on paper, fantastic and I'm very privileged. But I am so stuck and unhappy and lethargic and I drink too much and my marriage is very close to ending. I'm struggling to cope at work (not that anyone knows or would be able to tell) and really finding it hard to maintain friendships. I quit my hobbies because I was too scared of one and just couldn't be good enough at the other.

I push myself forward as much as I can each day but still, my house is a tip, it's never tidy enough and there's so much to do to make it nice, my marriage is at rock bottom, I'm a good 2 stone overweight, I don't go to sleep until 1 am despite making myself a million different bedtime routines, I can't enjoy anything. I don't feel anything and when I do feel something I feel irritated or angry or sad. I feel this baseline sense of panic, like a fluttering in my chest, that's there's all the time whether I'm cooking dinner or giving a big presentation at work.

I've been around the block with antidepressants in the past, and in and out of therapy. I use HRT gel and have a mirena coil. None of it seems to make a difference. I've always been a dour sort but I feel like I turned 40 and I looked back at my life with the blinkers off and I saw someone I really, really don't like, and she's not fixable or escapable. I feel like is see myself in technicolour now and I hate me. I'm not a nice person, in fact I'm a very different person than I thought I was, and it's excruciating to look back with fresh eyes on a lifetime of mistakes and not being good enough.

I'm so lethargic and stuck and I want to get up and do things but when it comes to it, I just can't. I can't and I don't know why. I just sit there staring at my bloody phone and making lists and then that's it. I know exactly what I need to do but it's like someone is controlling my mind to not do these things.

Don't know what I'm looking for here really. Maybe just to scream into the void.

@houserenohelp my marriage is a big source of stress and unhappiness. It's been going downhill for 10 years and is nearly at the bottom. I stay because the alternative also seems hard and risky and unhappy but for different reasons. I think I am the main problem in my marriage but my husband isn't an angel. He wouldn't garden with me, no, he refuses as he doesn't care about the garden.

@LoserSnoozer how did you know it was CPTSD? I talked about this once with a therapist and asked if we could so some work on childhood stuff but it never happened.

@ncduetooutingsituation I could cry. I think lockdown fucked me too. I think maybe I used to regulate myself better and now I can't at all? You sound so strong and impressive. I will check out all your recommendations.

Oh and cold water! Oh my goodness I love being in cold water and had forgotten all about that. It's one of my very few strengths, I can plunge straight into freezing water with barely a gasp and I love it. If I went to parties it would be my party trick. I went through a stage of having daily cold showers and even bought myself an inflatable ice bath for the garden. Used it for a summer and abandoned it and now find it hard to even contemplate a tepid shower.

@LoserSnoozer that is so helpful - I will read up on that.

@Cheeseandonioncrisp calling it treacle is so spot on.

OP I truly empathise with you and have felt a lot of what you are feeling during the course of my life, particularly the last few years compounded by Covid, having children and moving up at work with all the pressure that entails.

What I have done to try and combat this is work through the ASD process (have had to go private), I don’t think I have ADHD but ASD is a definite possibility. Either way something is ‘wrong’ inside and if I get the diagnosis or not, I can use that outcome to determine a path forwards. I also chose to focus on weight loss and have lost more than 3 stone in 6 months. I can’t tell you the difference it had made to how I feel about myself. I was really uncomfortable and unhappy when I was overweight (about 2st over), but I didn’t realise how much until the weight was gone. It was a mental and physical relief.

I think what I’m trying to advise is focus on changing one thing at a time (advancing in my job is next on my list, followed by a focus on fitness) and things feel much more manageable. Also, let the bad days wash over you, they will still happen and you will get through them.

Have you shared how you feel with your husband? My DP knows about my issues and I let him know when things are flaring up and feel a bit worse. At least then he understands, he is really very supportive. I also try very hard to not let the way I am affect my DP and DC as none of it is their fault, but honestly sometimes if feels like I am going through life with a big millstone around my neck that is impossible to shift. At my core I am very anxious and can feel this worsening as I get older, I also lack confidence and self esteem even though I know objectively that it’s not true e.g I know I’m good at my job, I achieved well academically and am quite smart, I work hard to be a good mother and a solid partner. It’s exhausting some days and I really want you to know you aren’t alone!

OP, I might be way off with this and apologies if I am but I’m wondering if your ‘lost hobby’ was horse riding? You said it was part of you which I can totally relate to. If so why not reconnect with horses on the ground? No need to actually ride, there’s lots you can do without even getting back on.
Again, if I’m wrong totally disregard this but sending strength anyway!

From one late diagnosed 40 something, who’s wheels started to come in lockdown, look at ADHD. Go to the ADHDuk website and see if your area has Right to choose referrals. Do some online screenings and see what you score. Maybe you’re not ND but ruling it out might help.

i could have written your post, got diagnosed autistic and then the psych said ‘I think you also have ADHD’ and after much reading I got referred and was diagnosed with that too. I started meds in Sept 25, they’ve changed my life.

You sound like you’ve masked your whole life, peri has hit, oestrogen is falling and suddenly you can’t mask anymore.

The hyper focus of doing a hobby or a skincare routine, of cold plunging and going all in and then just stopping and never picking up again was me too.

@mrsmumbles this sounds like me. I’ve been diagnosed ADHD in the summer at 57. It has helped but I’m still feeling lost and that life is a huge struggle. I’ve posted on the ND Mumsnetters page about this (but it’s very quiet over there). There is some great advice on this thread. Please try not to beat yourself up over this. If you are ND then your brain is wired to loop and it’s difficult to break the cycle of negative, and over, thinking. If you are curious about ADHD a really good, accessible book I would recommend is Kate Moryouseff’s ADHD wellbeing toolkit. https://amzn.eu/d/fDjfTJ2. It might be worth a look even before an assessment just to help you realise you are not alone. She also has lots of podcasts. I struggled massively with PND with both my children… looking back, with my diagnosis, I can see why. I’m on AD for anxiety but would like to explore specific ADHD meds.

you are not alone in this. Mid life, peri menopause, ND or not, can throw a spanner at you. Hang in there.

@ncduetooutingsituationand @MrLarsonsNailGun thanks for your posts. Not my thread but I found them helpful.

Have you heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? It sounds as if you have recurrent thoughts about your value and worth which feel true because they have been repeated so often. The thing about thoughts is that we are used to thinking of them as a wise inner advisor which must be attended to. But some of the thoughts we have are the product of things we have been told in the past, or even thought were implied by other people. The thing is, those things might feel really true but they aren't. ACT can help you learn to treat these thoughts as a repetitive pattern rather than something to pay attention to, and not let them take as much of your attention.

A good rule I have found when I get stuck in a self hating spiral is not to say anything to myself I would not say to a friend.

If you read my previous post I was empathetic, I said how I felt very much the same and had recently found a few things which helped. Just like you with your weird headset...I agreed about discipline being something that is hard but you can train. I misunderstood the last part of that person's post as meaning that they thought the OPs post was immediately calling out to them as depression and ADHD

There's a section about cold water in the book I recommended (the dose effect) and how it effects your dopamine levels. I've been doing a cold water swim semi regularly but when I can't I do the end of shower cold and think it really does work!

Sorry this was meant to quote a post I was reading about cold showers

Also by "work" I don't mean an instant fix to all ailments but it helps me personally

Absolutely agree but I didn't want to just suggest GP and therapy as the OP seems to feel that route is exhausted

You mention you have hypothyroidism - have you had your bloods checked recently? You may need a change to your medication to keep it under control as it can and does change over time. Many of the things you describe are how I felt before medication- and since, when levels had changed.

Thank you so much to all of you who are taking time out of your days to offer guidance and support and suggestions in your posts above. I hugely appreciate it, I really do. I am taking it all on board and will look up the books and concepts mentioned.

I'm having little realisations and connecting dots as I read through everything. It's really underscored for me that I need to sort out some deeply internal stuff before I embark on another set of promises to myself that I will lose weight, or go sober, or suddenly start getting 10 hours of sleep a night, or whatever. I've been on that stupid rollercoaster for the last 5 years. After reading all your posts I think I've been trying to put up a shelf on a crumbling wall and getting frustrated that it won't stay up. I need to sort out the bloody wall.

Thing is I hate the wall and always have done. I have very early memories of thinking it was a really crap and ridiculous wall. I need to get to the bottom of that.

And yes @Saharafordessert you're spot on. I was very good at it, it gave me a sense of accomplishment and power and it absorbed me in the most wonderful way - the only time my brain was quiet, and not going on at me all the time, was when I was in the saddle. Yard work was also absorbing but not in the same way somehow. But it's something to look into. But again I feel like if I can't do the whole thing then what's the point of doing part of it.

@MrLarsonsNailGun both you and your husband sound lovely. My husband is probably the other end of the spectrum to me in terms of willpower and discipline. He makes a decision about what he is or isn't going to do and then is all in, smashing his goals and going the full distance and then some. He gives me very short shift and is basically completely fed up of me at this point.

To be honest it sounds like me I can relate to some parts and I’ve just had bloods and realised I’ve not been absorbing my HRT my oestrogen is in the floor, so when I started it it seems to help but after 3-4 years my own levels have dropped and the dose has stayed the same. I’m about to increase my levels are 90 and they aim for 200-800 so no wonder if feel shite.

Maybe along with all the fab advice getting some HRT advice and testing levels may give you some insight into what’s going on with hormones.

I realised I had to do something as we just came into some money and instead of celebrating opening a bottle or jumping around I felt a bit panic like and scared and this huge weight over me.

Good point @Waterbaby41, I haven't had them checked for ages. I'm really bad at remembering to take my levo and am often catching up or missing doses. That won't be helping will it! I'm probably underreplaced? I got so fed up with my NHS trust completely refusing to let me try T3 and my useless endo that I stopped bothering with tests and going back and forth asking for help about 18 months ago.

I hadn't considered that, @reversegear. I felt my gel worked really well initially but maybe not so well now. Maybe I can ask GP to check my oestrogen levels.

I’ve struggled a lot with that inner critic over the years. A few strategies that have helped were

• treating it as another person, instead of my own thoughts, and replying “oh do shut the fuck up Jack” (making it male helped push it further away from me) but I don’t recommend doing this in public,
• filling my head with podcasts so that I had nice voices to listen to instead. I like The Lazy Genius (compassionate time management), A Slob Comes Clean (when I’m cleaning up), Melvin Bragg when I need something intellectual, Live Better for a bit of healthy living motivation etc.
• getting diagnosed gave me an answer to all the nasty questions my inner critic throws up. “why would you say that?” ADHD. “What’s wrong with you?” ADHD “why can’t you just xxxx” ADHD. It gives me such a burst of peace, because it makes so much sense, of all the bits of me I hated most.

Another thing I learned from a brilliant therapist was to periodically check in with myself and see what I needed in that moment. At first the answer was always a shit load of chocolate. Maybe it’s similar for you, or it’s alcohol or something? But over time I started to notice other desires - small things like needing an extra jumper because I was cold, or a cup of tea. Then as I recognised and responded, I started wanting things like a nice brisk walk, or a swim, or to go for a nap - where before I had just wanted chocolate.

The more I was able to indulge those little sensory needs, or even just acknowledge them as I noticed them, the more I was able to practice real self care and start to love myself. I just needed to start with action rather than trying to feel loving iyswim.

Not sure if any of that is helpful or even relevant.

@mrsmumbles I was also horse obsessed, absolutely loved being in the saddle. But it’s definitely harder as you get older. I haven’t ridden for 3yrs now but my girls have ponies and looking after them has been almost as fulfilling. Turns out it’s not just the riding for me, it’s just being around horses/ponies. Something innately calming about them.

Do you have the time/resources to part loan/share ownership. What about just hacking as opposed to competing, or in hand showing?

It's all been hugely helpful and relevant. Thank you so much to everyone who has shared their stories and given guidance.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. I feel a bit more peaceful after connecting with you all here. I know I've gotten some brilliant advice and I need to let it all percolate.

I do feel more positive than when I made the post earlier. Thank you all for helping me, I really mean that.

And hypothyroidism can cause mental health issues (just in case you and the OP weren’t aware). I didn’t know this until I was in my 30s, despite being diagnosed long before that.

I’m glad you are feeling a bit better. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Even knowing others have similar difficulties has helped me realise I’m not alone.

You say endo? Same, so we are used to running on high oestrogen levels when it goes it really knocks us for six.

I was a competitive weightlifter for 8 years prior to my endo surgery and hormone crash, I believe you can get your beans back.

sleep well.

I think a trip to your GP would be a good place to start. Maybe write down how you feel to take with you to help you explain it all. We are usually our harshest critics and judge ourselves against much higher expectations than we would of anyone else and sometimes need external help to get a clearer view.

If you can afford to hire a cleaner I would definitely do this. It will take something off your plate and I personally find psychologically being in a clean/tidy environment can 'lift' my mood a bit. Anything else that you can outsource, even if just for a few weeks or months to give yourself some breathing space I would go for it.

I do, . I have had all my life. I remember feeling that horrible internal cringe from a very young age. I know the voice is a horrible bully. Funnily enough it says the same sort of things says in their post, only worse because it knows me and all my secrets.

You might find my AMA useful in understanding how and why you have the inner voice and why it's not trying to hurt you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4559328-im-a-hypnotist-remedial-not-stage-ama?page=1

I relate to so much of what you have said and I think the replies are full of wise and sage advice, much of which I will take on board myself.
You really aren’t alone, so many of us can relate.