To ask your honest opinion of stay at home wives?

[Ohhohoho]

With no kids.

The reason I ask is I’m disabled (have multiple sclerosis) and I am really struggling working. I believe it’s making me sicker and the more I work the more I need time off. Constant cycle. I’m currently on part time hours due to lots of time off for illness but I’m still struggling.

DH has suggested several times I just leave work for now and revisit my career at a later date, or if ever. He said we will continue to pay into a pension for me in the mean time. We are very lucky he has a very well paying job so money would not be an issue for us but I am very much worried about judgement. I don’t look sick. The few people who do know about my diagnosis always comment how well I am doing because they don’t see the behind the scenes and to be honest I don’t want to share my health with most people.

We have a very nice life but we are only 30 and I know if I stopped working people would judge. We do want children at some point and I have recently switched to a med that makes it safe for me to be pregnant on but that’s a conversation for the future as currently I’m too unwell to be pregnant. If I meet people and I’m out of work without kids I’m worried about judgement as I don’t want to have to explain I’m disabled.

So my question is if you met me as someone who looks like a healthy 30 year old woman and you asked what I do and I said I’m a stay at home wife would you judge me?

Absolutely nobody’s business except yours and your husbands. Do what works for you and your family.

Go for it. The people who matter won’t judge, anyone who does isn’t worth your time.
I’m taking time out because I have cancer, I’ve had the 1 comment in the last year from my sil. It’s made me completely change my view of her, she actually said to me but what do all say! I had to walk away and I’ve completely distanced myself from her. I’ve had the odd other question bout work, I’ve just explained I’m taking time out for treatment. Everyone else has just been pleased I can try and look after myself as well as possible.

Your health is the most important thing. Prioritise that and the rest is froth. Perhaps a part time career might emerge once you have more headspace.

When I was young it was surprising if a Mum did have a job. Some people thought the husband must be a poor provider if they needed extra income.

Attitudes change with time. Rightly or wrongly.

OP do what's best for you. Don't allow this to influence your decision. If you can't be arsed with potential judgement, say you're taking a sabbatical. It's not far off that really. Returning to work is still on the table.

Take the time off OP and give yourself some time to get into some good routines and just have a decent rest. I'm sure you know MS tends to flare more when tired and under the weather.

I suspect your concern is not just about the fear of judgement (and your unkind MiL, who I'd cut off completey).

It's also about coming to terms with having a long term chronic condition with distressing symptoms and all the uncertainty for the future that it brings. You are young and that is a lot to deal with. Would it help to have a loose plan for what you will spend your time doing and how you will keep your professional knowledge up to date? Maybe some gentle, not too demanding volunteering when you are ready.

Also, for the future could you do your job in a completely different setting and switch career paths? For example public sector roles tend to be easier to get part time and have better work life balance. I have a lawyer friend who did that for health reasons after suffering a head injury from an attack and went from private practice to a local authority where she was able to manage her symptoms much better. Obviously a lower salary but that was worth it for her.

You need a thicker skin for people’s judgements. I didn’t work for a few years before having kids, DH earns well. My job was causing me so much stress, we were struggling to conceive, so we decided I wouldn’t work anymore.

Pretty instantly DH got a new job with double the salary and his family call me his lucky charm. I am lucky that I don’t feel any judgement, and honestly I wouldn’t care, we have our money and enjoy our life.

DH friend is same set up, big income, wife not working no kids, they are happy! They have reasons but I honestly don’t know all the details as it’s not my business.

I protect myself by having a pension, also as the non earner it’s better that savings are in my name.

I wouldn't judge you! It's nobody's business what other families choose to do. And your DH sounds lovely! Do what is best for your health and family and screw everyone else (especially MIL)

It’s nobody else’s business but I do think you are downplaying your health issues (and some on here are
ignoring them).

You have MS, that has a huge impact on your ability to work and you need to prioritise your health. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

Your DH sounds lovely and supportive.

I wouldn't judge you because I'm in the same boat.
I think the judgement comes from ourselves, and what we presume others must be thinking, so we are second-guessing their reactions. If your MIL is making snarky comments, though, I can see why you think others would be thinking the same.
The phrase "not all disabilities are visible" is a great one, and there are also some good come-backs on the Reddit MS thread, which work for strangers...
"You don't look disabled" - "And you don't look stupid but here we are" is one of my favourites. Wouldn't say it to friends, though!
I spent 15 years not telling anyone, and I'm sure people thought I just swanned around doing Pilates and swimming... "You're so lucky to be able to do that" ... but they don't see the wipeout afterwards. It's not so easy to hide it now, and maybe past 50 I care less what people think anyway, but you can just say to others "My health makes it difficult to work full-time at the moment" and if they probe, you just give them a Paddington stare and say you don't wish to discuss your health with everyone. If I really want to shut someone down I tell them I have irreversible brain damage and watch them fall over themselves to apologise 😏
Not sure how you deal with MIL except " Do you actually know what MS is, Margaret?"
If DH is happy to support you and pay into a pension, I would prioritise your health and take him up on it. You never know what's round the corner with this disease, but we all know it's made worse with stress and overwork. Can you become self-employed doing something that you take at your own pace? Then when people ask, that's what you tell them, without specifying how much time you spend on it. Good luck and good health. X

I'd probably think lucky you, of course if I didn't know about your health condition.

You need to learn the fine art of not giving a shit OP, it might be useful to you to read the book The Let Them Theory. People who will judge you are not even worth your thoughts let alone an explanation

I hate judgy people, it's scummy behaviour

To me it actually sounds like the responsible choice OP. Who does it benefit to work yourself into exhaustion and illness?

If you do want a family one day, pregnancy and taking care of young children can be gruelling. Set yourself up for success by getting as strong as you can first. ❤️ Rest, allow your body to have a break from demands, go back to exercise if it allows.

And if you're MIL wasn't commenting on this, she'd be commenting on something else.

Edited to add, if your DH is the sole income think about income protection insurance.

When I was younger I'm sorry to say I might have judged, but now I'm older and wiser and I'd assume you have your reasons for choosing to be a stay at home wife, and wouldn't judge.

You can't live your life worrying about what people think. Nobody can mind read, I'd advise living your life on your terms, and not fretting what people may or may not be thinking.

I'd be a bit surprised to hear that phrase and bee nosy about the story behind it (but I wouldn't ask directly). I was a non-working wife for several years and I never encountered another one who wasn't ill/disabled, a student, had substance/MH issues, had caring responsibilities or visa issues. It's very rare for adults not to work even if they're extremely wealthy (usually a status/social thing in those cases).
So I'd be trying to read between the lines and would probably work out that there are health issues.

I am in London though and people are always surprised we could run our house on one income. I did actually study in some capacity during the whole period and I used to just say I was studying if I was ever asked, even if it was a very pt course. I have dcs now and even though the youngest hasn't started school yet, I don't admit that I'm not working to people I meet casually, because they just assume you must be back at work after a year.

Good grief.
You are poorly with a serious illness that you have not caused yourself by abusing your body through drink, smoking, drugs.

Your partner works, has done well, will pay a good chunk of tax. So net contributor to society.

You aren't claiming benefits or blaming anyone for anything.

One day you might want to raise a family and again, add to society with good morals and thoughtfulness.

In short, YOU BLOODY DO WHAT YOU WANT.

As a couple you've earned that right.

Most of us have our own sets of problems to be getting on with to give the time of day as to what others are doing ,not doing.
You may be overthinking it op.