To ask your honest opinion of stay at home wives?

[Ohhohoho]

With no kids.

The reason I ask is I’m disabled (have multiple sclerosis) and I am really struggling working. I believe it’s making me sicker and the more I work the more I need time off. Constant cycle. I’m currently on part time hours due to lots of time off for illness but I’m still struggling.

DH has suggested several times I just leave work for now and revisit my career at a later date, or if ever. He said we will continue to pay into a pension for me in the mean time. We are very lucky he has a very well paying job so money would not be an issue for us but I am very much worried about judgement. I don’t look sick. The few people who do know about my diagnosis always comment how well I am doing because they don’t see the behind the scenes and to be honest I don’t want to share my health with most people.

We have a very nice life but we are only 30 and I know if I stopped working people would judge. We do want children at some point and I have recently switched to a med that makes it safe for me to be pregnant on but that’s a conversation for the future as currently I’m too unwell to be pregnant. If I meet people and I’m out of work without kids I’m worried about judgement as I don’t want to have to explain I’m disabled.

So my question is if you met me as someone who looks like a healthy 30 year old woman and you asked what I do and I said I’m a stay at home wife would you judge me?

At one time I would have loved to work more hours but I can’t because of my condition. It is awful when choice is taken away from you but the top priority for me is my health and wellbeing. Life is for living and my life doesn’t revolve around work. I enjoy all my extra free time and my health is better for it.
I hope that you come to terms with your situation and enjoy life outside of work as much as you can. Perhaps volunteer in an area you’re interested in as you’ll have more freedom in choosing hours to suit your fluctuating health condition.
Honestly it really doesn’t matter what other people think, you live the life that’s best for you.

Your health and wellbeing is far more important than what anyone may or may not think of you. Your husband is obviously caring and can support you. Give up work and concentrate on your health. Taking away the stress of your job will obviously help, so it’s a no brainer. All the very best - I am truly hoping there is a cure in the not so distant future.

Good advice.

Sorry your MIL is so unsympathetic. How nasty is she to make snide remarks when you have MS?

Good luck, OP.

People who judge you are not nice people so don't worry, it's a them problem. I've taken time out of the working world through the years when I wanted to, enjoy this time, look after you, find things that bring you joy and peace

I would judge because I believe everyone should retain their independence, but I’d still be aware that not everyone agrees with me, I don’t know what your life is like or what your health issues might be. I’d be a little bit worried about the possibility of coercive control and feel slightly protective.

If I knew health made it difficult for you to work I’d be all in favour of you staying at home.

If I didn’t know the background? Yes I would judge if I am completely honest.

But it is none of my business and in context it does make absolute sense. But I personally wouldn’t want to ever be financially dependent on anyone. It’s very precarious.

I think if you said you were a stay at home wife I might - not judge exactly (long-term SAHM here and not working full-time), but be curious.

If on the other hand you said you weren’t working atm because of some unspecified health issues I would not wonder at all and talk about something else. You wouldn’t be a stay at home wife, you’d be out of work for your health, totally different.

For what it’s worth I have three kids now in school, the youngest age 6, and only work part-time, not that many hours. I don’t think people judge, but I don’t care if they do. I know why I do what I do, and don’t need more hours. If you can manage without your job and your husband agrees, why make life harder? Concentrate on your health.

Your MIL sounds like the problem here!

I'd be tempted to say something, sweetly, like "I so want us to get along but we're going to struggle with that if you make personal comments about me so please don't". Nice big smile.

I can probably only think that because I don't have a MIL.

In answer to your question though I think it's absolutely nobody's business how you live. I'd be tempted not to label myself as anything in particular, so you can keep your situation flexible. Maybe you could eventually consider some part time contract work from home if possible?

Well, you wouldn’t be a ‘stay at home wife’, you’d be disabled and taking time out from work. I worked for 25 years and then had to leave work 18 months ago due to cancer. I’m not a stay at home parent. I’m unwell and needing to take time out of work. No one has even really asked about it. It’s very different to not wanting to work and just expecting to have your husband buy you lunches and spa days.

One of my SIL’s is a childfree stay-at-home wife. She does the odd bit of editing but hasn’t worked in a FT job for 20 years (she’s 56). I presume that they’re financially comfortable enough to not need her salary and that’s a lovely position to be in. I have another friend who, after an inheritance, was able to stop working. Good for her!

You’ll probably get the odd catty comment from people who are envious and have no idea about your health challenges. That’s their problem though, your choices are none of their business.

Unless your MIL is genuinely concerned that your DH is working himself into the ground, she should keep her nose out. It doesn’t sound as if that’s the case.

I think you’re probably overthinking it. If you’re no longer working and meeting new people that way, and presuming your friends and family already know you have MS and are struggling, how often are you realistically actually going to have to tell anyone that you aren’t in work? I can’t imagine it’s going to be terribly often - people you meet in passing or at hobbies who ask out of conversational politeness aren’t going to be much interested in anything beyond “I’m taking a career break currently but previously I worked in Marketing”, you don’t need to go into a “stay at home wife” spiel.

I was retired on ill health grounds in my 30s.
I wouldn't judge, but I have found many do judge me (most of my friends and family have disappeared). Frankly people who judge are not real friends.
Could you look at being dismissed on ill health grounds rather than just resigning? For me this meant I could claim my pension (this might not be appropriate for you). Also helped show my limitations and that meant it supported my claim for esa and pip. You should look into esa even if you cant claim the money (due to savings criteria etc) because it means you get a contribution towards your national insurance and therefore get a state pension.
The hardest thing I found about not working is not stimulating my brain and lack of routine and lack of socialising because I can rarely leave the house. So I would say look at routine (I still have a time for getting up/going to bed, meals etc) and how you can fulfill your life without causing your health to deteriorate.
If your in a union they could advise, my union were invaluable. So basically get all the information you need to make an informed decision, and do whats best for you.

Honestly, life is too short to care what other people think. Do what is right for you.

Since you seem to want honesty, I think it would be unwise. I don’t agree with MN that work is the sole way of existing and have no issue with stay at home parents, early retirement, whatever, but I think thirty is very young to stop work altogether.

MS is an awful disease, one of my friends has it and I’ve witnessed how it flares up and then she appears better for a while, until another flare up occurs. 😕

Your MIL clearly hasn’t bothered to educate herself or she’d realize that just because you seem well one day, you could be bed bound a week later. 💐

I wouldn’t judge you. It’s up to you and your DH how you best organise your shared personal life.

Health is wealth, so completely understand anyone prioritising their own health and comfort.

I can also see how being a SAHW would benefit some marriages where DH travels extensively for work, if that works for both parties and results in a happier marriage, then great.

A good husband will care far more about your health and well-being than the average employer.

Work to live, don't live to work. If you can afford not to work for a while and it would be beneficial to your health then by all means do it.

Don't necessarily label yourself as a 'SAHW' because that seems to have negative connotations - if it were a man not working due to poor health no one would bat an eyelid, whether he is a husband or not. Not working due to poor health has nothing to do with being a wife! If people ask just say 'I'm not working at the moment due to some health issues' and leave it at that. Most people wouldn't dig any deeper.

Fuck them all. I medically retired in my early 30s and it just so happened that I had a toddler so by default everyone just described me as a sahm. Not a problem for anyone when you have children in primary.

When they hit secondary it was all when are you going back to work? I would reply I am not going back.

Even worse when they are adults in uni and the same "friends" who know your medical situation, know how long you have been out of work and know you have been to the GP to increase your pain meds suggest maybe now is the time to work. FFS

I am actually glad that one of them fell out with me because I think she was jealous that she worked full time, our other friend worked part time and term time only and I didn't work. I had savings in my name, pension, an incredibly supportive Dh and a really nice life, no money struggles at all. It reminds me of your MIL, they saw the put together woman with makeup on, really bubbly but sometimes I was powering through just to be able to see people for a meal or whatever. They didn't see the crash that happened afterward or the next day.

You can never make everyone happy and people will always judge but let them. Do what is right for you and your Dh. My health actually improved a lot when I stopped working despite running round after a toddler. I could listen to my body and sit down when needed. Both my children learned I had good days full of energy and bad days where Mum will be sitting on the sofa a lot.

I now say I am retired as I am early 50s.

I only worked for a year aged 17-18 then became unwell . I’m 45 now. Only had a handful of judgemental comments over the years . It’s no one’s business but yours and you should do what is best for your health.

I wouldn't judge but then I probably wouldn't ask you what you did "for a living" I get not wanting to tell strangers about your illness or disability. Its not unusual. If you want an answer, you might say "I am taking a career break" and might add something like "by profession I am an xxx"
Being brutally honest, unless I know someone via my ex work (retired now) I wouldn't be bothered about what they do or don't do, would be more interested in conversation based on how we met, ie the hobby or club or whatever.

Newsflash… people judge NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

Your priority is YOU and your health, that is all that matters! Try not to overthink what others might be saying… it is a waste of your energy

I am 9 years ‘retired’, no children, blissfully content… I get a kick out of saying ‘I’m a lady of leisure’ every single time!! I feel very fortunate to be in a position where I do not have to work. Oh how my work colleagues harped on about me being bored… not one day have I experienced boredom! Enjoy x

I don't have MS but I do have a secondary cancer diagnosis and am hanging onto my PT job for dear life so I can empathise somewhat. I don't see you as becoming a SAH wife but actually someone who needs that recovery time to have a quality of life. If giving up work means that you are able to bank some of that energy to enable you to have quality times with DH when he isn't working then go for it. It sounds like DH is on board but I can absolutely see your hesitation at 30 to why you might not want to give it up yet (I'm late 30's). In regards to your MIL please ignore her. Her life would have been very different as a lady of leisure whilst her DH worked. It's absolutely not the same for you. Until I became ill myself I just didn't get how just existing can be hard enough when you have a condition. You might have looked made up at the get together. However I imagine she didn't see how long it took you or the aftermath crash for several days to recover from it? She isn't somebody that you need to converse with, she gets on at you then just divert your DH to her. It sounds like he gets it.

I think if you can, and you want to, then you should! Why not live life the way you want, if it’s a possibility?

I think it's no one else's business but the people involved.

I think your health comes first your DH sounds lovely and very understanding. If you want children in the future maybe having a break is a good idea to prepare for that