To ask your honest opinion of stay at home wives?

[Ohhohoho]

With no kids.

The reason I ask is I’m disabled (have multiple sclerosis) and I am really struggling working. I believe it’s making me sicker and the more I work the more I need time off. Constant cycle. I’m currently on part time hours due to lots of time off for illness but I’m still struggling.

DH has suggested several times I just leave work for now and revisit my career at a later date, or if ever. He said we will continue to pay into a pension for me in the mean time. We are very lucky he has a very well paying job so money would not be an issue for us but I am very much worried about judgement. I don’t look sick. The few people who do know about my diagnosis always comment how well I am doing because they don’t see the behind the scenes and to be honest I don’t want to share my health with most people.

We have a very nice life but we are only 30 and I know if I stopped working people would judge. We do want children at some point and I have recently switched to a med that makes it safe for me to be pregnant on but that’s a conversation for the future as currently I’m too unwell to be pregnant. If I meet people and I’m out of work without kids I’m worried about judgement as I don’t want to have to explain I’m disabled.

So my question is if you met me as someone who looks like a healthy 30 year old woman and you asked what I do and I said I’m a stay at home wife would you judge me?

Your home arrangements have nothing to do with anyone else and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Perhaps you could take up some hobby to give you some interests. If you're not well then I don't see what else you can do.

I wouldn’t care. None of my business is it?

I’d think the term stay at home wife is a bit silly, why can’t you just say “I’m not working at the moment” or “I’m a lady of leisure” or “I can’t work at the moment due to health problems”.

That aside I wouldn’t judge (or care).

I would be very surprised if someone was a stay at home wife without kids and I would want to know more details but if I didn’t know you well I’d be too polite to ask. It sounds like this would be a good option for you to focus on your health, especially in preparation for baving children in the future so I think you shouldn’t care what people think. You can also just say you’re on a career break for health reasons? That makes more sense to me personally in your situation than a ‘stay at home wife’ which would make me think you spend all your time waiting on your husband and also comes with very traditional views on gender roles etc.

It's honestly nothing to do with anybody else so do what works for you. I think the judgement comes when people 'can't be bothered working' and claim benefits to subsidise it, but that's clearly not the case here.

I do have a few hobbies but only do them as and when I’m well enough. I’ve been doing Pilates for the last year which I’ve found to be extremely helpful to my coordination. I’m just very worried that people will think I’m a lazy wife who swans around getting her nails done and doing Pilates whilst her husband works.

I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me but I’ve worked really hard and I went to university for 5 years so the thought that people will think I can’t be arsed is upsetting me.

I’d think ‘Good for you’ for doing what’s right for you and your family!

Just to say I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing not to work! I think I’m so upset because that choice has been taken away from me.

No-one’s business except yours and your husband’s.

You have a significant health condition and anyone who judges can eff off. Even if you didn’t, they can still eff off!

I have a friend who has just stopped working in her late forties. She may go back to it later, she may not. Her husband is a high earner and its what they’ve chosen. I am thrilled for her as are all her other friends.

I have no issue with it but I do think it can leave some women in a vulnerable position if the relationship doesn’t last.

Not if she’s married and any assets pensions will be split 50/50.

I wouldn't judge or think you were lazy.
If I didn't know about your health I'd be envious, I dream of being a lady of leasure!

If I did know about your health struggles then I would just think you were doing the best thing for you.

I do wish people would stop limiting their lives because they're worried about being judged by others.

People judge us all no matter what we do, so what's the point in worrying about it?

As the saying goes: 'Other people's opinions of you are none of your business'.

Do what's right for you and yours.

I wouldn’t judge you. I might be a bit baffled and wonder why. I might occasionally be consumed by envy and in turn that might make me feel slightly judgy. You asked me to be honest, and that’s honest.

My mum had to quit work as too unwell to get pregnant (long time ago) and I never judged her - I wouldn’t exist if she hadn’t done it!

My ex SIL was a stay at home wife - because she liked to spend her evenings in bars and was always too hungover and lazy to work. I judged her a lot more when she had an affair in all her spare time. She was horrible in the end. You aren’t that person so I don’t see why anyone would judge you.

Who cares what others think. They are irrelevant. You need to do what works best for you and if that means taking a career break or going part time to protect your health, and your dh will support you, go for it

I'm Glad your DH is supportive of you. It's no one else business but yours and DH's. You do what is best for you. At some point you might be well enough to have a baby.

As others have said it’s nobody else’s business if it is what is right for you. The only thing I would want to do is use the time productively and keep my brain occupied i.e further studying or look at ways you might be able to do some work from home in the future .

It’s not just that. It’s a lack of work history if they ever need to go back into work too.

I dont care how other couples choose to live.

Who cares what people think. There is many a "well"person who would jump at this offer from dp (me included😂)
Look after yourself hun x

My MIL is also aware of my illness but has made a few comments about me doing nothing all day and about us having a cleaner as she thinks I should be doing it due to my hours being part time.

At Christmas she made a comment about me being well enough to look well groomed so obviously attending beauty appointments (nail lady who comes to my house) but not to work more hours.

We are very minimal contact with her due to behaviour towards both me and DH and only saw her due to a family gathering but it has made me think if she’s just saying out loud what other people are thinking.

You have an ongoing medical condition. Nobody is going to think badly of you for not working. If anyone does say anything, then that just shows them up for being an unpleasant character, doesn't it?

I think if you said you were a housewife I’d immediately think there was something to cause that, be it physical or mental health related due to your age. I’d not judge but I would think there was something else behind it.

You just do you.

Thing is you'd not be staying at home because you're a wife, to do "wifely" things, but because of your disability. No one calls a husband a stay at home husband if they are too unwell to work.

By all means do it but personally when questioned I would say you're not working while you are unwell, recovering from illness, or whatever feels best for you. But frame it round you as an individual, not you being a wife.