To ask your honest opinion of stay at home wives?

[Ohhohoho]

With no kids.

The reason I ask is I’m disabled (have multiple sclerosis) and I am really struggling working. I believe it’s making me sicker and the more I work the more I need time off. Constant cycle. I’m currently on part time hours due to lots of time off for illness but I’m still struggling.

DH has suggested several times I just leave work for now and revisit my career at a later date, or if ever. He said we will continue to pay into a pension for me in the mean time. We are very lucky he has a very well paying job so money would not be an issue for us but I am very much worried about judgement. I don’t look sick. The few people who do know about my diagnosis always comment how well I am doing because they don’t see the behind the scenes and to be honest I don’t want to share my health with most people.

We have a very nice life but we are only 30 and I know if I stopped working people would judge. We do want children at some point and I have recently switched to a med that makes it safe for me to be pregnant on but that’s a conversation for the future as currently I’m too unwell to be pregnant. If I meet people and I’m out of work without kids I’m worried about judgement as I don’t want to have to explain I’m disabled.

So my question is if you met me as someone who looks like a healthy 30 year old woman and you asked what I do and I said I’m a stay at home wife would you judge me?

If you are too ill to work and family finances support you not working, then stop working. People can think what they like but those who love and care for you will understand. Particularly if you want to become a mum, you need to focus on your health.
I have a chronic illness, so can't work (and don't look obviously ill, though I do use a wheelchair) I do have children already, so in a slightly different position, but your health is what's important.

I wouldn’t judge… I would be secretly envious of someone who is able to make that choice.

However, your health and well being is far more important than work or what people think of you. It sounds like your DH is supportive both emotionally and financially so in your shoes I’d probably go for it. Public opinion doesn’t matter (unless you’re an MP going for re-election!)

'Taking some time of work for health reasons' is the way to go. 'Stay at home wife' with no clarification sounds odd these days. I also have MS and am a similar age so I really get where you're coming from.

Can you cut down your hours any more than you already have? Or would a different kind of role be easier to manage? If I were in your position I'd want to keep hold of some sort of employment, just for the structure, socialising, having something to talk about with others etc. But if stopping work entirely is what will make you feel most healthy then that's what you should do.

If I met you and asked what you do, and you replied that you were not working at the moment, taking career break or similar, I wouldn’t think anything of it at all.

The specific phrase “stay at home wife” might make me raise an internal eyebrow as that phrase to me has meanings to do with choosing not to work to “support” a husband. That would seem old fashioned to me. But I wouldn’t say anything at all and I would judge you on how I found you, not on any preconceived ideas I might have.

Importantly, what strangers might think is irrelevant to what’s the best choice for you right now. If having a break from work is necessary to improve your well-being then sod what anyone else might think!

Agree that people judge no matter what so do what works for you and your family!

Don’t make yourself more unwell just to please others.

I know a few casual friends/ neighbours who ‘work’ very minimally. Generally they have a hobby job, or work ‘freelance’… I’d assume this keeps people’s nose out and allows them to say ‘I’m a XYZ’ without having to say they aren’t currently making money, so are to all intents and purposes a house wife. For instance, when/if I stop my job, I’d tell people I do tutoring - if I only have 1hr per week so be it. Can you do something that people wont enquire too much about … ‘I planning on doing some freelance consultancy in my field’

edit to add- it’s no one’s business but yours and your husband how you finance your lives - if he’s offering I’d take him up on it to focus on your health and the prospect of getting pregnant. For your own privacy it might help to be vague about freelance, but don’t feel obliged.

I wouldn't think anything except "lucky you", as I've never had a job I've enjoyed and went part time ASAP. (Obviously if I knew it was for health reasons I wouldn't think that was lucky.)

I wouldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks and neither should you

I don't care what anyone else does as long as they are paying their way and not expecting the tax payer to fund their lifestyle.

Lots of people don't work for a lot of reasons. Just own it. Say we are fortunate enough that he makes enough to support us and I'm just not coping with work. I think the most important thing is that you protect yourself. Make sure that pension is paid and that you have an agreement in place about access to money etc. I'm sure your husband is a good guy but be careful anyway. A cousin of mine gave up her career to be a sahm and she got really messed over. He was a partner in a multinational accounting firm and knew how to hide things.

I would consider asking for a career break and see how you find it. And I wouldn’t worry what anyone thinks about you staying at home. Look after yourself!

I don’t get this thing of your only worthwhile if you are working. If you can afford not to work and you are not vulnerable financially absolutely give up work. I’d be clear on what finances would look like, ie can you spend freely, have joint say in big financial decisions etc And expectations of housework are the same. But yes if it works for you go for it.
I would want to have a plan of what not working would look like. I’m part time due to caring for our disabled child and my health needs. When DS is at school I use that free time to go to the gym and swimming, hospital appointments, physio and I also visit my dad who I support . Plus housework and rest time. Working part time benefits me and my family so it’s a positive thing.

Thanks for all of the honest posts. I have thought about telling people I am medically retired as my specialists have been very vocal for years about work but again I feel like that opens a narrative up for people to ask questions about my health. But then I guess that would mean I’m never going back to work and I don’t want to close that chapter completely.

I have found that when I have told people I have health issues in the past they always want to know what type of health issues. I hate telling people I have MS… there’s always a certain look I get from them. As if I’m going to be in a wheelchair unable to swallow soon. I understand a lot of people aren’t very educated on the illness because neither was I when I was first diagnosed but I just cannot stand that look people give me.

I don’t think people even realise they are doing it. I have a blue badge that was awarded to me after council assessment (I don’t claim PIP, my council award them at discretion) and I only use it when feeling very unwell. If people see it or find out about it then we instantly get questions about if my car is a PIP car with slight judgement in their tone etc. Some people must be reading too much daily mail because I drive a car that is not available on the motability scheme.

DH is team telling people I’m a lady of leisure because that’s what people are going to think anyway. I like to be well groomed because what people can’t see is a good chunk of the time I end up wearing an adult nappy as I cannot control my bladder. Obviously people can’t see that but it helps me feel better about myself. That’s why MIL thinks that way. She’s not a very nice women and we’ve always had issues with her but it has made me think in my own head.

My friend. MS is no joke. If your wonderful husband has offered to pay into your pension and let you take a break. Take it. You can volunteer if you want to keep busy. Look after yourself. Bugger what other people say. You must look after yourself.

My husband has retired due to ill health in his 40’s. He hates telling people why so I don’t bother. If it’s someone close to us they know the background and people less close we have told them he is a SAHD. Say it’s career break or taking time to think about what you want. Yes you will get some odd looks but if they are not supportive you do not need them in your life.

It still does but if she’s ill, she’s ill. OP I don’t understand why you can’t just say you don’t work for health reasons. People would immediately understand and sympathise. If you instead pretend you’re just sitting around then yeah they probably will judge you.

Sorry just saw your most recent post. Sorry to hear that. Just ignore people and don’t tell them anything about your setup. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I don't mean this in any way rudely, but I literally don't think about SAHW at all. Ever. I don't know any as so it just doesn't enter my mind to have an opinion either way. Now I AM thinking about them, I find I still don't have an opinion. Hope this is helpful in some way.

I would not judge you.

One thing though, at age 30 I would try to avoid becoming totally inactive if you possibly can, for your own sake.
If there is any 'work' you can manage, do it. Is there a side hustle you could do, on good days? Something like making stuff to sell on Etsy or through a local shop. It only really needs to break even, but nobody needs to know how much you make, and it gives you 'purpose' and provides you with a cover story as it were. Solves the problem of nosey acquaintances!

Across the range of things that humans choose to do with their time, being a stay at home wife is about as blameless as it comes and I wouldn't judge anyone for it.

Honestly, good for them. Just sorry I can’t afford to be a SAHW.

A friend of mine is married to someone with MS, she stopped work in 2019 and has never gone back, fair enough, 2 school age kids. He seems to do a lot of the ferrying around of kids whilst working full time.

From the outside looking in her MS prevents her doing a lot of around the house and with the kids.

Funnily enough it never seems to "flare up" when she has a weekend away with her pals.

I think you are fine to stop working, no one elses business (and tell MIL), but do you think you are in good enough health to coping with young children?

Don't worry about what people think. Do what is best for you. Sounds like you have a very supportive husband.

My sister has MS and I do totally get why you want to give up work. But as others have said, whilst you might be protected in terms of assets and pension, if your marriage breaks down then you might need to go back to work. If you're been out of the workplace for some time then you may well be restricted to low-skilled, low-pay work. It's a risk, worth bearing in mind.

I don’t know if you meant this to be rude or not be asking a disabled person if they’re competent to cope with young children is rude and ableist at best as it suggests that it is an irresponsible decision when you don’t have any of the information about their health.

It also doesn’t compare to a job, which only I have been employed to do. If I have a child my child will have two parents. There is far more support I can access to allow me to be a parent than I can to help me hold down a job. Luckily we are financially stable enough to pay for a nanny to help me day to day if I am to struggle.

As for your friends wife you have no idea what she struggles with. You cannot compare cleaning the house weekly to going out with friends which was most likely took planning you aren’t aware of.

However you have just showed me that even if I do tell people I don’t work due to MS there will still be judgement. So maybe I should stick to lady of leisure as DH says. As everyone else here has said, there will be judgement either way!

Very fortunately, I am a qualified professional so as long as I keep up to date with industry standards I don’t have to worry about this. A career gap however would hugely impact my career as I probably will never progress further than junior level.

But to be honest I’m not sure how possible that is anyway. The juniors in our company can put 80 hours a week of their lives into work. Something just can’t do hence thinking of leaving as my part time hours don’t even make a dent and I cannot lower further.