Dh has ASD and severe sensory aversions affecting my life

[Sensorydh]

He can’t cope with certain smells so I try to avoid them (certain perfumes, shampoos and the smell of some herbs) the most difficult is the smell of dog.
My family have dogs. Not only can he not go there but if I go and come back or if DM has been here when he’s at work he knows. It makes him really unwell (we are talking to the point of vomiting).

He apologises over and over but it’s like it causes him actual pain. He will get in and if DM was even here in the morning I can see straight away he knows, he will sometimes ask and opens the windows and inevitably ends up sick and then panic washing cushion covers etc.
If i go there I change when im back but it still triggers him off. I feel awful.
I’ve tried things like febreze but it doesn’t work. Maybe I’m not cleaning / airing enough after visits. I joke with him that he has a sense of smell like a dog ! But in reality it’s not really a joking matter. He’s vomited when out too if smells dog.

I feel bad for DM if I stop her visiting but I don’t know what else to do as dh never once asks me to stop seeing her but I can see the pain he goes through with this. Maybe if I only visit her and it’s less frequent he can get some relief ? Has anyone successfully dealt with such a severe sensory aversion before ?

Has the aversion always been this strong or is it getting worse? Is the dog smelling worse as it ages?

Always this severe

How did he cope before you moved in together?
Does he vomit on a day to day basis when he sees/smells a dog in public?
have you had to change other aspects of your life?

Maybe he needs some sort of therapy to deal with what sounds like a phobia.

FWIW, my lovely DF did have a certain smell around him - he was a heavy smoker and not that great at showering due to health issues in his later years. He spent lots of time at my house, often letting himself in to watch TV (he didn’t have sports channels) and we could always tell if he’d been in because we could smell him. In the end, he was told he could only sit on one particular chair which was easy to keep clean and smell free, every once in a while I’d sneakily take his coat and throw it in the washing machine. We made a joke out of it, he knew he smelled and we just accepted it.

According to PIL he was constantly sick as a toddler they thought he was physically ill it was only when he could gesture and hold his nose they considered it was triggered by smells and as soon as he could say he would tell them. He’s been like it the whole time I’ve known him. It’s mostly strong smells eg perfume and shampoo or strong herbs. But the dog smell aversion is by far the worst .he vomits in public a lot unfortunately, he manages it as carries bags etc but I feel guilty when he feels so bad in his own home.

It's not your problem to solve.
It's his.
You are already doing everything you can.
It's up to him to have a sick bag in his pocket at all times. Or he could seek expert advice to try to solve it. Try to forget about it. Harden your heart to it and ignore it. It's his problem and there's nothing you can do about it.

We’re like this when we visit my ILs. Soon as we get in, everyone strips off and clothes straight in the washing machine as the smell of smoke is so bad. Can you just do that? Make DM sit on a throw when she’s at yours and then put it straight in the wash when she’s gone? I’m not as extreme as your husband, but smoke and stinky dog I absolutely hate!!!

I feel bad as he will say ‘don’t worry don’t worry it’ll be fine ‘ as he’s running to the toilet to be sick. Then he will come out and I can see his eyes are watering where he’s been sick and even though I will have washed sofa covers he will then want to strip the cushion covers off and wash those and will be opening the windows and I can see the panic but he says it’s his issue and he’s used to it but I have massive guilt

Was this not an issue before you married him though, in his house? Would it help if you only saw your DM at hers and then showered and changed when you come back home? You can also get pet smell spray. I’m assuming dm isn’t bringing dogs to your house?

Is it better if you meet DM in a public place without the dogs? If so I would do that more.

Are you a member of a gym or is there a cheap leisure centre near you? I’m wondering whether a shower and change on the way home and clothes straight into the washing machine would help?

What is your house setup like? Is it possible to have DM over just in one room with all other doors shut. Then open windows once she leaves in that room and DH doesn’t go in it until the following day.

I don’t think that you should reduce how often you see your family, but you might be able to reduce the impact on him if you change things up a bit.

I also think that your DH should investigate whether there is anything which he can do to improve this? I feel even something simple like a nose clip or breathing mask might be able to reduce the sickness.

I couldn't live like that so would want him to do everything possible to control his aversions.

What about an air purifier to help remove the smell after your mum has visited?

Keep visiting your mum. Don’t stop doing that. When you get home have a shower and put your clothes into the washing machine. Changing clothes obviously isn’t enough for him.

I cannot believe you’ve tolerated this to the point of marriage. He may not be able to help it but you don’t need to live such a controlled and oppressive life because of his autism.

I say that as someone with autism themselves.

Does he work, use public transport, go to cafes, shops etc? Has he ever got help for this?

He is not trying to stop you from seeing your family, or prevent them from coming round, so I do have sympathy for him. I have to live in a low perfume house due to migraines and I dread the kids becoming teenagers and discovering Lynx. I also have parents with allergies and used to have to get changed in the utility room and chuck clothes straight in the washing machine if I had been to other kids houses with cats or dogs. It really wasn't an imposition.

But it's also not ideal for either of you. Has he tried any aversion therapy? If not, he should do, as it may help. Can you ask your family to change into fresh clothes before they come round? Then open windows as soon as they leave to give to give a good airing. Febreeze has a smell, so that, or any other air freshener, will likely just make things worse.

Have you sought professional help? For example it may be that an anti anxiety medication can help, as can carrying something strong scented with his preferred smell to sniff when he encounters the triggering smells? The autism society can help advise?

So when you got married were your wedding guests asked to avoid certain shampoos etc?

It’s common to have sensory processing disorder coexisting with autism (can mean a person is less or more sensitive than normal in what they perceive via their different senses) so it sounds like a sensory overload thing. It is a disability when it’s happening to this level. Stops you living life as you would like to.

If it’s that: He can’t help it it’s not a phobia and it won’t change. Poor him, but also it sounds very difficult for all of you. It’s often something that other people misunderstand and they think is behavioural or a ‘choice’ and can be ‘trained out of’ with gradual exposure, But that’s not how it works.

Imagine something that would make your own brain so overstimulated you’d be sick. Awful. I think of it like if someone shone bright lights and flicked them off and on in my eyes, then I’d get a migraine. You can’t help what your body can’t tolerate.

Meet your DM outdoors, change your clothes when you get in, and obviously allow him to keep his distance until the stuff is iI the washing machine afterwards OP: Accommodate to his needs on this wherever you can.

I’d suggest this be moved to be Relationships board because this is a huge thing for you to have to accommodate emotionally in your day to day life and you might want support for that.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/about-autism/sensory-processing

is this definitely a sensory aversion and not an actual allergy? I have both - I hate the smell of woodsmoke and I am very allergic to cats. If my kids or husband sits out by a fire pit or visits friends with cats everything goes straight in the wash. I’ve never been physically sick though so that seems unusually difficult so wondering if it’s actually an allergy?

Some practical ideas-
find a scented candle he likes and burn that in the home.
he can carry a scented handkerchief for when he needs to block a smell.
warn him so the smell doesn’t catch him by surprise

meet your mum away from the house
wash the dog more often
help her de-dog-smell the house. Do a wash and wipe down with a neutraliser.

Gosh that's very severe and limiting for his life as well as yours. What treatment options has he tried over the years?

Does your DM know what impact her coming over has on him? I agree with suggestions of increasing your meetings with her out of the house. And when she does visit your house to have throws on the sofa which can be washed.

Is your DM the only person in your lives who has a dog, or the only person who has this impact on him? If you are honest, is her dog particularly "dog-smelling" or is the smell particularly ingrained on her clothes? Are there any steps she could take to reduce the impact on him?

I opened the thread expecting to read that he was being controlling and trying to limit your contact with your DM but it seems that he is willing to be the only uncomfortable person in the situation.

Im autistic myself and think being only able to see your mother outside is ax big ask to be honest.
Has he ever sought any help with this? I am just not sure restricting your own life is a solution

Sounds horrendous and no way for you to live. Ridiculous. I’d be reconsidering my future with him to be honest. Seems completely over the top and stressful for you. Do you have children? How will he cope with nappies etc? I’d move on OP, it’s only going to get worse.

Has he been to the doctor about it? I wonder whether it's actually a form of migraine without accompanying headache. One of my dc has this, fortunately not so sensitive to the triggers. Medication may help.

I am also wondering if he's ever tried to get help for it.
The panic washing and your ever increasing restrictions seem like anxiety is involved - and thinking that something will make you sick is a fairly sure route to being sick.
It may not be completely resolvable but reducing the panic might also help.