Dh has ASD and severe sensory aversions affecting my life

[Sensorydh]

He can’t cope with certain smells so I try to avoid them (certain perfumes, shampoos and the smell of some herbs) the most difficult is the smell of dog.
My family have dogs. Not only can he not go there but if I go and come back or if DM has been here when he’s at work he knows. It makes him really unwell (we are talking to the point of vomiting).

He apologises over and over but it’s like it causes him actual pain. He will get in and if DM was even here in the morning I can see straight away he knows, he will sometimes ask and opens the windows and inevitably ends up sick and then panic washing cushion covers etc.
If i go there I change when im back but it still triggers him off. I feel awful.
I’ve tried things like febreze but it doesn’t work. Maybe I’m not cleaning / airing enough after visits. I joke with him that he has a sense of smell like a dog ! But in reality it’s not really a joking matter. He’s vomited when out too if smells dog.

I feel bad for DM if I stop her visiting but I don’t know what else to do as dh never once asks me to stop seeing her but I can see the pain he goes through with this. Maybe if I only visit her and it’s less frequent he can get some relief ? Has anyone successfully dealt with such a severe sensory aversion before ?

I'm autistic and very sensory averse and the smell of cigarettes makes me so unwell. Vomiting, wheezing, migraines. The lot.

I've a lot of empathy for your husband.

I've been to the doctors and I've tried alsorts of migraine medication as I've been told it's stomach migraines but nothing has worked. Air purifiers don't work, I obviously can't use air purifiers outside either.

Adding smells to mask the smells makes things worse.

I have to treat it like an allergen and avoid it where possible.

Is he sick if you don’t tell him your DM had been? So say you were out after your DM had been in the house and he arrived home without knowing she had been there, would he be sick? Not saying the smell of dog doesn’t make him ill, but has he got to the stage that just the thought of her being there makes him ill.

I just feel like I may be better to see DM just at her house ms do more to remove the dog smell off me before dh is home. If I see dm in the morning for example at hers rather than her coming here and I air the house more than I have been and change when I’m back plus make sure I wash my clothes (if I leave them in the laundry he can still
smell dog)

I don’t understand if your mum being in your house makes your husband vomit why you have not just gone to her house all the time? And just shower after you visit? You knew his issues when you married him

I assume none of your neighbours have a dog. What would happen if they did?

@ittakes2 he still seems to react if she goes to her mum’s.

@Sensorydh are you able to visit friends, have friends over? I would say at least 50% of our friends have dogs. Same proportion for people on our street.

This exactly.

Does he work?

My DH has the allergies to perfume too, they can trigger bad headaches, which means I can't use it and I used to have a big collection. He's ok with dogs. I've noticed that visiting dogs that are well looked after, so therefore must be bathed and have their teeth cleaned still have a dog breath smell, so I can understand his problem but he must have a severe allergy if it makes him sick.

This it sounds like if you had children they could never go to your mums to stay, or she couldn’t visit them.
Could he manage children and the accompanying “smells”?

Fucking hell- it’s his home!!

OP, you really need to meet your mum outside your home. It’s the one space he shouldn’t need to carry a bag around with him. It’s sad that Mum can’t come round, but it’s not the end of the world.

Your mum is visiting you with the dog or without the dog?

Maybe she should wash herself more often and clean the dog so it's not as bad because frankly she must stink to high heaven if she leaves dog smell behind.

I'm sensitive to dog smells. I can't bear them. But leaving a dog smell behind hours after? She needs better hygiene.

💯

Even he realises that banning his wife's mum from the home isn't reasonable.

If he’s being sick so much he must smell of vomit yet he can’t stand other odours? I couldn’t be with someone like this, how on earth he navigates day to day life is a mystery if he’s going around vomiting all the time. I wouldn’t be banning my mum from my home, surely you have other visitors over? He really needs to be speaking to someone to try and at least lesson his symptoms. As other have said what will he do if you have a family with him?

It’s incredibly difficult living with sensory issues this severe, both for the sufferer and those around them.

You’re doing your best, as is he by the sounds of it

i have sensory issues that bring me to wrenching - there’s nothing at all that can be done about it at all. I’m lucky that for the most part mine (and my child’s) can be fairly easily avoided.

it’s not a phobia - it’s a wiring issue.

Some of the comments on here are frankly appalling - the narrow minded, ignorant ableism is alive a well as always here on MN.

Is it the smell? Or the sight?

Has he had any therapy? Would hypnosis help?

It’s not an allergy 🙄

Actually it could be, so it starts with her mum not being allowed to visit, then it’ll be op not going to her mums, then not going to meet her, then anyone who has a pet?

Is there anything that can limit his sense of smell, when I get a cold my sense of smell and taste disappears completely and I mean completely

Is there a medication that can replicate that for him given that its completely disabling for him to be able to smell things

I think he needs to start considering other therapies.

In the meantime is it possible to get a house with a separate annexe, or convert the garage/ a garden room for him to live in semi-permanently (and obviously your mum/ you don’t go in there around visits)?

I feel incredibly sorry for both of you, it must be hell to live with for you both.💐

reported your horrible ableist comments

@RedToothBrush unless the dog is horrendously smelly I wonder whether it is more that he knows the mum has been in the house eg OP has opened windows, washing cushion covers etc which then triggers the vomit response

I am just wondering how he copes with work etc, because unless he works by himself never meeting anyone he cannot avoid dog owners