Dh has ASD and severe sensory aversions affecting my life

[Sensorydh]

He can’t cope with certain smells so I try to avoid them (certain perfumes, shampoos and the smell of some herbs) the most difficult is the smell of dog.
My family have dogs. Not only can he not go there but if I go and come back or if DM has been here when he’s at work he knows. It makes him really unwell (we are talking to the point of vomiting).

He apologises over and over but it’s like it causes him actual pain. He will get in and if DM was even here in the morning I can see straight away he knows, he will sometimes ask and opens the windows and inevitably ends up sick and then panic washing cushion covers etc.
If i go there I change when im back but it still triggers him off. I feel awful.
I’ve tried things like febreze but it doesn’t work. Maybe I’m not cleaning / airing enough after visits. I joke with him that he has a sense of smell like a dog ! But in reality it’s not really a joking matter. He’s vomited when out too if smells dog.

I feel bad for DM if I stop her visiting but I don’t know what else to do as dh never once asks me to stop seeing her but I can see the pain he goes through with this. Maybe if I only visit her and it’s less frequent he can get some relief ? Has anyone successfully dealt with such a severe sensory aversion before ?

Don’t add more smells. I am allergic to perfume, on skin it’s awful with hives and rashes but also the smell and it varies makes me feel ill. As long as I am not confined with it for too long it’s ok. When on public transport I carry charcoal inserts I can stuff up my nostrils if needs be. I also wear a scarf and just cover my nose if needed.

There is a lot of research around scent being used linked to asthma and allergies but now more just the question is it healthy to have so many extra chemicals . It’s either an allergy or some sort of sensory overload causing genuine fear, people can vomit with fear and upset.

How often are you seeing her ?

I’d also wonder about actual allergies too. My DH is allergic to animals but particularly to cats. It doesn’t sound as severe as your DH but he has vomited before when he’s been in an environment with a cat.

I have strong smell aversions, particularly to perfume, although in my experience they set off instant headaches. When I was pregnant smells absolutely made me vomit though.

What helped me personally was finding a cranberry handwash that I didn't react to the smell of/ actually enjoyed. I could place my hands over my nose and replace that scent with the other and it soothed me and the gag reflex. Is there any smell he is ok with he could use to block others as needed?

Great advice on here I'm just wondering why it bothers you now more? Are you getting the.... "ick"? I wonder if he used to mask it more but had enough playing down how much they affect him. It's essentially down to him to learn to cope but he has to want to.

Your dh needs to explore help for his problem. He has a very valid, although semi understood condition, there will be someone somewhere able to help. He can’t control the world around him, but he can control/help himself. He needs to find strategies and coping techniques.

So you've tried talking to him about it, he's told you it's fine but you can't accept this?

You need to believe him. I am also autistic with severe sensory issues and I know that part of being in a marriage and sharing a home with someone means that sometimes things will happen that are less than ideal for me. I'm lucky in that my husband is happy to forego the two things that make me feel sick (coffee, cucumber) but if he does one day decide that he wants to start drinking coffee I will deal with it, just as he deals with me when I'm in info dump mode. All about give and take.

If meeting my mum in a public space prevented my DH from being ill I'd do it. It's not a huge sacrifice and he is trying to be accommodating and not asking for changes. Some of these comments are really shitty, it's usually the case when autism is mentioned on here.

Goodness, this sounds very difficult for all - especially if he can still smell it even after the covers have been washed!

Have you tried air filters or ozone generators (you can't be in the room while using the latter - you have to air the room out after - but they can be effective for removing smells)

Or (and this is slightly ridiculous, but worth a try to help maybe) - overalls to reduce it - ie when your mum comes to the house she puts on one of those disposable white suits (about 2.50 in B&Q) or something similar to reduce 'contamination'

I can see that it's not fair on either of you - you not being able to see your mother, and him because he's clearly not trying to control you around it, but it must be horrible for him throwing up.

I'd try some more things before I gave up on it and met mum at Costa (where there might be dogs too :S )

@JLou08 would you do that forever? Never have friends round, never be able to go to friends if they have dogs? Not be able to go anywhere where there could be dogs? How much would you restrict your life?

I wonder if he also suffers from phantom smells, I do, its awful, I could swear blind someone is smoking around me but they're not. Sometimes its stuck there for weeks and it gives me a migraine and makes me feel sick although Ive never been sick then just disappears

I do suffer with sinus problems and its a well known issue for those of us with that.

You should get the support of a suitably qualified OT to work with your dh on his sensory sensitivities.

Or (and this is slightly ridiculous, but worth a try to help maybe) - overalls to reduce it - ie when your mum comes to the house she puts on one of those disposable white suits (about 2.50 in B&Q) or something similar to reduce 'contamination'
sorry you think mum and all other visitors should wear a forensic suit when they visit? Maybe the dh could just wear an fpp3 face mask to filter out the smells?

Because he’s kind, caring, considerate, works extremely hard. He’s never ever been unkind or confrontational to anyone in any situation and always tries to help others. He’s loving and romantic and does a 50/50 share of all household and child related tasks.

I know, I can't believe that was a serious suggestion.

I will suggest this as it so hard. He always says he will just deal with it and it’s fine but I feel guilty

I did say it was slightly ridiculous. I'm trying to think of solutions to make life easier/more livable.

OP was saying that her mum was the main issue, not other guests. If there was something about me that was causing a problem with visiting my child, then I'd look for easy things to do that might help - and if smells transferring is an issue, one of the first things would be to do something easy to mitigate that a bit - ie. some kind of coverall.

My nan used to go into the kitchen and put on a housecoat because she didn't like getting cooking/cleaning smells on her clothes - it's like the reverse of that

edit:

Or we can continue to just berate the poor guy who's apparently been throwing up at certain smells since a toddler, but is doing his best not to let that affect his partner, who just wants to figure out what she can do so she can see her mum in her own house, but not make her partner sick.. you know. You do you.

Unless I’ve missed it, I can’t see that OP has said whether her mum brings the dog round or not.

If she does, then I think that is unreasonable and perhaps she should stop.

If she doesn’t, and it’s just that the “dog smell” is somehow transferring from her mum’s clothes, given DH has said it’s fine then I’d just take him at his word.

It is so difficult with scent-driven sensory issues, as you can’t just stop breathing! Would something like an old-fashioned pomander help him at all?

Is it too much to ask from your mum (or anyone else) to get changed into clean clothes before she visits your home, so the dog smell isn’t as strong? I know a family where the husband has a smell allergy like your husband, and they have asked family and friends to not use perfume or after shave, or eg. bring flowers, when they visit. People are happy to make this small “sacrifice” for his comfort. I would call it a reasonable adjustment.

I'm making a massive assumption that these are stomach migraines like the ones I have, but can he take magnesium glycinate, riboflavin and coq10 supplements?

These are things I take, but they aren't by any means a miracle.

He could make a trigger diary too to help identify the frequency and intensity.

Has he had any post diagnostic occupational therapy support? I'm not sure what they can do but they may suggest other referrals or be helpful advocates with the GP about concerns for his health, especially his teeth and oesophagus if it's frequent.

Make sure visitors remove their outer layers before entering and keep them off furniture, use sofa throws that can easily be put in the washing machine rather than having to strip cushions all the time, ask visitors to wear clean clothes.

Hyperosmia is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. You smell something, and your brain reacts like it's a threat and it can be absolutely debilitating and hard to rehabilitate from as it isn't caused by anxiety but can lead to anxiety around it because you obviously don't want to encounter the threat of the smells that trigger your symptoms. On the face of it, he's handling it really well by saying that it's fine and it's a problem for him to manage but it is still a problem and he deserves to be safe from this in his own home.

Sorry I should have said she doesn’t bring the dog . She’s very clean but I think the dog due to being a lab has a strong smell and it’s just on her clothes ?

Yes, I would.
If this post was about an allergy with no mention of autism or sensory needs the responses would be very different.

DD is autistic and has sensory issues which limit her and us to varying degrees. I found a specialist OT (private) who did a two hour assessment with DD. I'd look into that with your DH, as it sounds exhausting for him and you.

Dd has some problematic sensory difficulties the support from the OT has been invaluable. It's not a quick fix by any means but she has given dd strategies and coping mechanisms that make a difference for her. It's also given her permission to accept some issues, so no she can't and most likely won't ever be able to pick up a banana but that isn't a huge failing on her part which was what she did once believe.

Another vote for OTs - they are so good at assessing, then offering sensible workarounds/solutions and being realistic about what's necessary and possible.