Dh has ASD and severe sensory aversions affecting my life

[Sensorydh]

He can’t cope with certain smells so I try to avoid them (certain perfumes, shampoos and the smell of some herbs) the most difficult is the smell of dog.
My family have dogs. Not only can he not go there but if I go and come back or if DM has been here when he’s at work he knows. It makes him really unwell (we are talking to the point of vomiting).

He apologises over and over but it’s like it causes him actual pain. He will get in and if DM was even here in the morning I can see straight away he knows, he will sometimes ask and opens the windows and inevitably ends up sick and then panic washing cushion covers etc.
If i go there I change when im back but it still triggers him off. I feel awful.
I’ve tried things like febreze but it doesn’t work. Maybe I’m not cleaning / airing enough after visits. I joke with him that he has a sense of smell like a dog ! But in reality it’s not really a joking matter. He’s vomited when out too if smells dog.

I feel bad for DM if I stop her visiting but I don’t know what else to do as dh never once asks me to stop seeing her but I can see the pain he goes through with this. Maybe if I only visit her and it’s less frequent he can get some relief ? Has anyone successfully dealt with such a severe sensory aversion before ?

I also wondered if it was an allergic reaction. Is it possible to rule this out?
Is the dog exceptionally smelly? It does seem an extreme reaction otherwise.

How about if your mum keeps a spare outfit or two at your house to change into when she comes to visit? If you wash it afterwards and keep it at your house then it shouldn’t get any dog hair or dog smell on it. Even if your mum puts on fresh clothes at her home before coming over to you she’ll still be getting dog smell on her. It will be everywhere and in her car. It will be in her washing machine.

Fresh clothes that are kept at your house, get mum to wash her hands on arrival and use a thick throw on the lounge. Air out the house afterwards and use an air purifier. Sit outside in the garden in nice weather?

Maybe the dog has a skin condition making it extra stinky. It might need a good thorough wash with medicated shampoo and all of its towels, blankets and bedding washed on a hot long cycle. How about its ears and teeth? Any gross teeth or tartar that needs a good clean by vet? No ear infections? Anal glands need expressing? Blocked anal glands can make a dog stink.

I’m sure that your DH appreciates your efforts to minimise the smell. I love that he hasn’t asked you to not have your mum over or to not visit her. Believe him when he says it’s fine.

@JLou08 I would expect some compromises if it was an allergy ie no dog in the house, but you couldn’t expect people to restrict their life so much they couldn’t have visitors, and part of that compromise would be the allergy sufferer taking anti histamines

I’m not sure how an adult can actually live a life if merely passing by a dog makes him vomit… has he considered NOSA for control nostril plugs? They do menthol which would cover the scent. Or disposable nose filters?

People are not very forgiving on this page . Its not just a slight aversion or intolerance.
My dd has sensory processing disorder and autistic and she will also be sick or be very close to it with certain strong smells , textures and sounds.
Its not something she can turn off or become used too . Its insanely intense for her . Im not doing it justice explaining how awful these things are for people with sensory processing disorder and Autism. But unless you have it or have raised someone with it then just telling them to not be selfish is ridiculous.

Can you keep a change of clothes for her at your house for her to change in in front of the front door? Then wash those clothes immediately she leaves? You could ask her to shower and wash her hair beforehand too

Delete my posts all you like - it doesn't change the narrative that someone who insists you can't meet your own parent at your house, refuses treatment and has 'triggers' that are holding the household to ransom is not normal.

So make the mum strip in front of the front door? Surely her just entering the house affects him?

Have you actually even read OP’s posts? Clearly not. Pop to specsavers before you start blasting anyone here.

He hasn’t said that OP can’t meet her DM in their house (not just OP’s house, so he should get an equal say to OP anyway) as far as I can see.

I suspect all concerned (including the DH) would prefer he didn’t have the triggers, but they exist. If the relationship is otherwise good, I’d be happy to make adjustments. It’s not his fault any more than an allergy would be.

Can he actually smell the smell or are there other signs she has been there that triggers him?

My son as a three/ four year old couldn't tolerate the smell of the local co op. He wouldn't eat anything that was bought from there. He would go through a cupboard rejecting anything he identified as coming from there with just a momentary sniff of the packaging. We tested his accuracy a few times he was 100% accurate every time. I wouldn't doubt that the dh can't smell when his mil has been round.

@Sensorydh has he had any help, seen anyone to try and help this sensory overload and vomiting as it must be awful for him?

How does he cope with DC, do they have friends round or go to friends, some of them must have dogs?

@hiredandsqueak does he still do that?

Another one with similar family members
with strong smell related sensory issues and head and stomach migraines who says your dh needs OT and other medical help to make this better.

even without your DM, regularly vomiting in the street is awful. It might not be a magic cure but it can definitely improve life with reduced incidences.

@Sensorydh definitely get him to get help - it’s not all useless and doesn’t sound like he’s actually had much help at all?

I’d have to test him, if I’m honest.

Have your mum sit in the house but make it impossible for DH to know if she’s been. Eg) wash up cups so he doesn’t know somebody has visited. Turn off the ring doorbell if you have one.

when he asks, lie. No, nobody has been round today.

is his reaction as extreme? Or is it psychological (eg can he actually smell anything, or is it more the idea that your mum has been at this point)

@Sensorydh All that vomiting can't be good for his teeth either. Does he have regular dentist appointments?

I think you’re the one who has changed the narrative 😊 as he hasn’t insisted she doesn’t have her mother at their house.

@sittingonabeach No he has other sensitivities though and tbh we haven’t bought anything from the local co op in a really long time.

He could try NOSA nasal plugs.

God unicorns really?? I remember posts on here about grandparents ‘testing’ allergies in their grandchildren, to the point of putting one in ICU. Your post reminds me of those.

Another vote for a specialist OT - not because he’s doing anything wrong but because he deserves appropriate advice and support, and so do you.

Could you meet your Mum away from her home so she has clean clothes on when leaving the house & doesn't pick up the smell as much. If she visits your home could you maybe have a dressing gown or something to put over her clothes so the dog smell doesn't transfer to the sofa etc then when she leaves wash the robe. I'm not suggesting your Mum stinks but suggesting things to try & stop any dog smell transferring to your home as it's awful for you all if she feels she can't visit. Are there any smells your husband particularly likes & enjoys? If so try using them around your home often so he feels comfortable & relaxed.

Yes I have had severe acid reflux including vomiting and have lost all my back teeth because of it

https://www.webmd.com/brain/what-is-hyperosmia

With how disabling his is I would be looking into whether sinus surgery mentioned there is a possible solution in his situation.

Same with DH. I hope you have managed to resolve it.

He sounds like such a lovely guy OP, what a horribly debilitating condition to be suffering from, poor thing.

Definitely try to get him to see an OT or ASD specialist as this sounds like it's really, really hard for both of you to live with. It's probably just his 'normal' though so he doesn't realise quite how bad it is.

I would definitely for now try to limit his exposure as much as possible and definitely keep him home as a safe space. See your mum at hers and put your clothes in the wash as soon as you get back.