How do i get my 13 yearold to shower?

[movintothecountry]

Really struggling with this. My 13 yr old has suspected ADHD and really resists showering. I felt like over the last couple of yrs i have been constantly battling with her to have a shower and wash her hair a min of a couple of times a week. Its been hard and she will lie and pretend she has when she hasnt.

We had a big meltdown a couple of weeks ago where she insisted that my telling or reminding her to shower was really unhelpful, felt like criticism to her and like i was telling her she smells. She also said it felt controlling and 'weird' for me to be monitoring when she showers. She was v upset and we agreed that i would stop asking her and she would do it on her own timetable.

So here we are, two weeks later, not a single shower has been had, shes starting to smell and her hair is very greasy.

I dont know where to go from here? Normal parenting e.g. providing rules of how often to wash, reminding and punishing just end up in her having meltdowns, not sleeping and accusations of us not loving her, etc. Its exhausting and doesnt seem to help?

Im trying to detatch my embarrasment about the whole thing (shes starting to look homeless) from the situation. I recognise she has to be able to manage her hygiene herself as she gets older, but im her parent and have a duty of care.

Long term how does this play out if i go against what we agreed and start with the requests to shower again? Im so confused and constantly weighing up my responsibility as a parent with getting her to trust me. WTF do i do? Dreading her going back to school like this, but maybe a friend telling her she stinks, while awful for her, might be what she needs to just get her to bloody wash!

Any advice? Sorry its so long!

You have to just confront her full on (kindly and with sympathy). No backing down at all: Daily showers and hair wash (I know hair wash daily isn't really needed). Take her into a small shop (try to find one that doesn't smell perfumed and that doesn't play music) that sells shower gel and shampoo/conditioner to choose what she wants to use. She will probably push back forcefully in all sorts of ways. You must stand your ground firmly as it's a no-go area for her, but affects everyone she comes in contact with.

You know all this already: But it's Big Girls Pants on and You are the Parent. Good Luck.

@movintothecountry do your research first and locate the clinic which you want and can access. Then go to the GP with the information.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply on this thread. Some of the advice has been helpful and mostly supportive.

You prob didnt mean to come across so patronising but the idea that i just need to 'put on my big girl pants' is nonsense and implies that i havent tried all of these things already.

I'm not afraid of telling her what to do or of having uncomfortable conversations, or standing my ground firmly and calmly. The reality is that none of this has worked so far over the last few years and shes getting more and more distressed, lying to us more and its contributing to a lot of anxiety and upset.

Im looking for advice on what to do from people with ND kids who dont follow the usual pattern of doing what you say because you say it and the obvious parenting techniques of taking away a treat or buying them a nice shower gel as a reward. My DD is literally the definition of cutting off her nose to spite her face and none of those things work on her unfortunately.

My son is autistic and hates anything touching his head as he also has hydrocephalus and has shunts, we found the hair washing caps very useful and the only type of deodorant he will use is the wild type (sort of a cream) which really works for a couple of days on one application. Baby steps, it’s so hard especially when people don’t get it!

It's so hard. It may not be before 6th form, but at least you'd be in the system.

I hear you about family dynamics- it can be so very stressful. I'm carefully managing a 13 yo into bath & bed before school tomorrow, a transition that he absolutely hates as he's had 2 weeks of 'chill' time. Funnily, once he's IN school he's grand & likes it, it's the getting him there after holidays. It can be so stressful we need to tag team, looking out for when the other is stressed & stepping in. It's bloody hard. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I will see how today goes as i really would like her to shower before school tomorrow without causing a huge meltdown.

OP, i hope this morning was okay & you managed to get her clean before school. I know how hard it can be.

Possibly a bit off topic, I don’t know. We had a lady start work with us and she by her own admittance, didn’t wash and she smelt awful. It went to HR in the end and she had to wash/ show up respectable and with clean clothes.

ND or not, she has to maintain some level of hygiene.

@movintothecountry I was thinking about what you said about hoping she would wash without a big meltdown. And your reaction to the poster who said you had to put your big girl pants on. I think what she meant, and those of us who have got kids in a washing routine, is that there is no easy way to get this in place, only the hard way. And that involves getting it done meltdowns or not. And that in fact meltdowns will get worse before they get better (look up extinction burst for more info), but you carry on regardless. It's not the meltdown deciding on cleanliness. It's you.
You can be accommodating on minimizing the sensory impact, and do trial and error on approach, but be unwavering in the desired outcome (regularly washed, clean clothes, smells good).
My son didn't say 'oh hey daily showers sound good' and voila we were done. We had tried 3 times a week and there was always trouble, in my frustration I said I was sick of negotiating so we're going instead to daily showers. Of course there was murder. But I insisted and after a while it settled into a routine. In hindsight I could see that a daily activity was less stressful ask than a periodic one.
I support his sensory needs via soft towels, warm rooms, clean clothes available and I am easy on going to bed with wet hair because of the hair dryer noise. But I am unmovable on the daily wash.

Does she have pda? So is it the demand on showering she finds difficult or something about the actual process? How is her mental health?