How do i get my 13 yearold to shower?

[movintothecountry]

Really struggling with this. My 13 yr old has suspected ADHD and really resists showering. I felt like over the last couple of yrs i have been constantly battling with her to have a shower and wash her hair a min of a couple of times a week. Its been hard and she will lie and pretend she has when she hasnt.

We had a big meltdown a couple of weeks ago where she insisted that my telling or reminding her to shower was really unhelpful, felt like criticism to her and like i was telling her she smells. She also said it felt controlling and 'weird' for me to be monitoring when she showers. She was v upset and we agreed that i would stop asking her and she would do it on her own timetable.

So here we are, two weeks later, not a single shower has been had, shes starting to smell and her hair is very greasy.

I dont know where to go from here? Normal parenting e.g. providing rules of how often to wash, reminding and punishing just end up in her having meltdowns, not sleeping and accusations of us not loving her, etc. Its exhausting and doesnt seem to help?

Im trying to detatch my embarrasment about the whole thing (shes starting to look homeless) from the situation. I recognise she has to be able to manage her hygiene herself as she gets older, but im her parent and have a duty of care.

Long term how does this play out if i go against what we agreed and start with the requests to shower again? Im so confused and constantly weighing up my responsibility as a parent with getting her to trust me. WTF do i do? Dreading her going back to school like this, but maybe a friend telling her she stinks, while awful for her, might be what she needs to just get her to bloody wash!

Any advice? Sorry its so long!

This is nice to hear what has worked for you.

I think sometimes they need to be told they stink to make them do something about it, especially at school as that is super embarrassing for a teenager.

My DD is the same.

Bathing is easier than showering. Has she tried bathing instead? Its not brilliant fir hair washing but better than nothing.

Thanks this is actually really good advice and along the lines of what i have said to her before. Maybe i just need to double down on this messaging and open up the convo again.

You can’t get them in one minute and then you can’t get them out the next!

My ds went through a stage of not showering.

I made it a house rule that I wasn't serving up supper until he had showered. I had no desire to eat while I could smell BO. If he wanted feeding he needed to wash. Sorry but basic hygiene is not optional.

It took a few weeks of loud moaning, but I stuck to it, and he now showers without grumbling.

Having said that he came back from his f's after new year, clearly not having showered, so supper was delayed. He didn't moan though.

Somehow getting it into her routine.

So in term time DS2 easy peasy - he comes home from school and has a shower also showers Sunday because that is the day he changes his bedding. Holiday DS2 needs reminding (apart from Sunday). I find it easier to say things like “at some point today can you have a shower”. Or we are going to see (whoever) please can you have a shower and wash your hair before we go.

This is good advice if you are facing such a hard no.

We've removed her phone from her due to other behaviours and are minising screentime overall. You Tube is not allowed in our house as it has a really negative effect on the kids behaviour more generally.

No bath unfortunately, just a shower

Would she get along better with a bath perhaps...?

I also struggle with showering, and find baths a much more pleasant, less demanding experience.

Assuming her hair isn't super-duper long, she can wash that in the sink. Something I also do when my hair needs washing, but I haven't got it in me for a shower.

She has v long hair and would not entertain washing it in a sink anyway. Even a haircut is a nightmare poss because of sensory issues and the social anxiety of having to go to a hairdressers

It is interesting, as my younger son NEEDS to have that wash nightly, it is routine, but my older son will naturally resist. They're all different & what works for one won't work for another.

Some of the shaming suggestions of 'you're smelly ' 'you're greasy ' are just cruel & will not help most ND children/ people, it takes more subtlety.

OP, I'm not armchair diagnosing, and I'm sure you will be aware that a large percentage of ND people have more than one neuro-divergency (adhd & asd are highly co-morbid), so have you considered DD may also be ASD? The demand avoidance & sensory issues suggest it's at least worth considering.

DS2 got his long awaited adhd diagnosis at 18. We were all a bit blind-sided when they also confirmed ASD. He's not classic at all, & the raging adhd covered lots of traits/ many were internal. She seems to be struggling. Sending 💜.

It’s just a non negotiable in this house. Shower and deodorant annd teeth done every morning before school. And I nag until it’s done. It’s being a parent.

Thanks. Honestly im not sure. She has no behavioural issues at school so they have refused her an assessment. GP wont do anything without a school referral and honestly given her age so we have decided to just treat her as an individual and try to support her as best we can at home to manage. We talk a lot about how all brains are different and we try to help her develop her own systems and routines and ways of talking that help her work through stuff.

Even a diagnosis, whilst it might be validating is really only helpful in so far as it might help her understand herself and help us to support her. With reading and research, and keeping communication open we are doing our best to do that anyway.

School support would be good but tbh they're stretched helping the kids who are self harming, school refusing and chucking chairs round the classroom. They have no time or resource to help a quiet, academically successful girl who is only having issues at home with her parents.

I had to frame this as a “value”. I have 2 DDs with AuDHD who both have sensory issues around showering but who fortunately do also care a bit about their appearances.
There are simply minimum non-negotiable standards for cleanliness and they do seem to have internalised this. One is at university and the other lives and works in another city. I know she doesn’t bother with cleanliness much on wfh days but she is clean and tidy when in office or out and about. It did have to be taught and insisted on when they were younger.
I negotiated a minimum which meant hair cannot be visibly greasy, clothes must not be stained or smelly and bodies can’t be smelly either. We do have a waterproof speaker hanging in our shower so they can listen to music or a podcast. I also didn’t use to insist on a shower every single day. Sometimes dry shampoo and a decent wash will do. There’s a gel product called Wype which we keep by our loos. And, as you rightly pointed out, it is the bacteria which smell. This means that antibacterial gel applied to armpits before antiperspirant is actually very effective.
Pick your battles.

I remember being 13 and avoiding the shower. I finally admitted that I hated not being able to lock the door. Also, it was too hot and I didn’t know how to adjust it correctly (I’ll add that this was the late 70s and showers were not as modern as these days). I also hated going from the shower to my bedroom in a towel. I had a teenage brother and was super sensitive to him for certain reasons.

compromise - bath couple of times a week, shower once to wash hair or get an attachment for taps for washing hair- use dry shampoo rest of the time if needed but a lot of people with ADHD may have sensory issues and the likes of dry shampoo is still hated, but if thats the case either she has to get used to it or wash hair more often

been there, done that, DD is now 17. She would happily never shower if left to her own devices. However, as a young teenager, we did get into a routine where she showers every other day, starting on a Monday morning

She still showers every other day. She has been diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD in the past 12 months. She also understand that we shower on special days, weddings, parties etc, even if we showered the day before...

She does understand about smelling. She hates the feel of shower gel, and the feeling of washing her hair. She has real sensory issues.

When she started college, the tutors had a class talk about appearance and hygiene and how important it is in the acting world to look good and be clean, so that helped.

When she was younger, I did tell her about a girl that I was at school with and how awful she smelled, and how she was terribly bullied for it. Having talked to the girl when she was older, it wasn't her fault and her parents were to blame.

I told DD that I loved her and didn't want her to be bullied more than she already was. She was so different to the "mean girls", with their pouty mouths, and flicky hair, TikTok and boy crazy etc and I just didn't want them to pick her for yet another thing.

@movintothecountry have you asked your DD why she is reluctant to use the shower? Could some of the above be relevant?

Does she have siblings who might either set an example or comment on her being smelly?

Had with with ds who also has ASD.
Compounded by the issue that he hates the feeling of being clean and clean clothes/sheets etc. He'd rather wear the same clothes for a fortnight because they're comfortable.

I also had the attempt of "do it on your own timetable". I don't think it got to a fortnight, but the smell was noticeable.😂 I think what we did basically agree on was that:

1. If he was just at home with only family he could get away without showering for longer
2. If he didn't shower regularly then the sheets needed to be changed more often (which he hates)
3. I would provide with whatever toiletries/deodorants he wanted
4. I could tell him he smelt and he would then shower without him having a strop and saying no one else noticed than me.

What really helped was someone else (older) that he respected telling him that they could smell him. He had this great theory that people will say if he smells, so if no one says anything, he doesn't. He still doesn't totally accept that people won't say, but the one person telling him that it was noticeable made him realise that people won't always.

He now will almost always have a shower if he's meeting people other than family the next day/that day. He also knows that if he's done anything strenuous that he needs a shower. He also has his set days (3 a week) that he showers anyway.

It's not perfect, but he now knows if I tell him he smells then he is having a shower. He can slam the door if he likes to register a protest 😁

This is a good approach.

I have a soap dodging AuDHD teen girl and she is a sensory seeker and constantly spraying revolting cheap perfume too!

I say "would you prefer a shower or a bath?" every few days, and sometimes she takes me up on it.

I would suggest music / could she prop up phone somewhere and watch something or listen to something whilst she does it, makes it less boring and helps with the dopamine so she may be more inclined. Also consider any sensory things, is that anything to do with it that there is something sensory wise she is finding challenging. Also try and get into a routine of set days for instance or times so this is predictable and she knows when.

You clearly don't have experience of children who absolutely refuse to wash and don't care being told they smell, that others will tease them etc.
I have a 9 year old who will shower without complaining on some days, whereas on other days there is just no way of getting him to wash - I would have to pick him up like a toddler and force him into the shower and that's not going to happen. There really are some things that just can't be solved by saying "it's non negotiable".