How do i get my 13 yearold to shower?

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Really struggling with this. My 13 yr old has suspected ADHD and really resists showering. I felt like over the last couple of yrs i have been constantly battling with her to have a shower and wash her hair a min of a couple of times a week. Its been hard and she will lie and pretend she has when she hasnt.

We had a big meltdown a couple of weeks ago where she insisted that my telling or reminding her to shower was really unhelpful, felt like criticism to her and like i was telling her she smells. She also said it felt controlling and 'weird' for me to be monitoring when she showers. She was v upset and we agreed that i would stop asking her and she would do it on her own timetable.

So here we are, two weeks later, not a single shower has been had, shes starting to smell and her hair is very greasy.

I dont know where to go from here? Normal parenting e.g. providing rules of how often to wash, reminding and punishing just end up in her having meltdowns, not sleeping and accusations of us not loving her, etc. Its exhausting and doesnt seem to help?

Im trying to detatch my embarrasment about the whole thing (shes starting to look homeless) from the situation. I recognise she has to be able to manage her hygiene herself as she gets older, but im her parent and have a duty of care.

Long term how does this play out if i go against what we agreed and start with the requests to shower again? Im so confused and constantly weighing up my responsibility as a parent with getting her to trust me. WTF do i do? Dreading her going back to school like this, but maybe a friend telling her she stinks, while awful for her, might be what she needs to just get her to bloody wash!

Any advice? Sorry its so long!

I get that it's reality, but so hard to hear. School definitely SHOULD be supporting, especially with extra time in class for processing & time in exams. My DS2 also had no behavioural problems in school (apart from talking a bit too much!), was academic & had lots of friends & a girlfriend. It was school who raised it age 14.5 when they started doing much more assessment, & a teacher noticed a bright child who wasn't getting the scores he should. We also thought like you, that he was an individual & we'd deal with whatever came up. However, school suggested a CAMHS referral through GP, and thankfully GP did it immediately.

It did take over 3 years, but he's now had access to meds which he takes on uni & work days, & we all see a significant difference in his focus. Interestingly, the ASD traits are now more obvious- demand avoidance is one of those- but I suppose we're all happier that he can focus on the academics without stress.

I know what you mean about school being over-whelmed, but they should be getting it right for every child. DS2 was in an inner-city comprehensive, & I teach in another which has a high percentage of pupils in real poverty, but we still manage to see the pupils who have need, in whatever way that is. You can push for action if it's what you all want. It's hard, but possible if you push.

I wish you the best.

I tried subtle but that didn’t work. Dd1 is very black and white with things so in the end I was blunt. You need to wash every other day as a minimum including hair because hormones are making it greasy and you cannot get away with once a week with perfume anymore. You smell bad and people will notice.
i know it was mean and she’ll likely bring it up in therapy but nothing was working. The blunt approach did. She’s very good now.

This

I know you said she isn't allowed, but could showering be an exception even if she's only allowed YouTube Kids version or something pre-recorded?

DD gets very anxious about showering and couldn't cope without her phone, she says it feels too scary without it, but with it she feels less alone.

i just wanted to add I have very long hair and only wash it once a week. My scalp gets too sore if I do it more frequently. It’s adjusted to this regime and is never greasy by day 7. Maybe let her know she doesn’t need to wash her hair every time she showers? And get her a microfibre hair turban, it makes quick work of drying my hair so I don’t use a hair dryer. Long hair is lovely but a right palaver washing and drying! I wonder if that is putting her off a bit.

What does your daughter think if you tell her she stinks?! I don't mean that to be nasty. I wouldn't want to not wash because

• I'd stink
• that would be unpleasant for me
• it would be unpleasant for others
• it would make me unpopular
• it would be unhealthy long term

I'd not want any of those things. Would your daughter not understand these things? Would she understand, but the unpleasantness to her of washing would mean it wasn't worth doing even to mitigate these things? Would she literally not care?

No we've taken her phone away for other reasons and so i dont want to contradict what we have already said. Also i dont want to get into a position where she is using her phone as a coping mechanism, its not good for her mental health more generally. I will look into getting a shower radio though as that might help, she loves music.

Yes, and sadly bullying will follow

Couldnt agree more. Shes incredibly demand avoidant so we obviously have to tell her what to do when it relates to safety but everything else causes huge arguments or outright defiance, its exhausting.

Thanks she knows this and i have only ever said to wash it twice a week. In reality hers gets greasy after 2 days and stays that way. I like the microfibre turban idea, but usually she wont even towel dry her hair as she doesnt like it.

School have offered to support in what ways they can without a diagnosis but in reality this means she can use a figdet toy and talk to a teacher if she needs time out of class (which she generally doesnt).

The support school is geared up to offer seems mainly around kids who struggle with behaviour at school which she doesnt. I think she possibly needs counselling/coaching to help support her mental health and navigating social situations and possibly something to help her with sleep being able to mentally 'switch off' at night.

I might push for a CAMHS referral and see where that gets me.

Id wouldn’t argue with her, the conversation would be dd you need a shower every day so that you don’t smell.

Once you’ve had your shower you can have your phone/watch a film/play a game etc. If she kicks off just stay calm and repeat the above, don’t back down.

If she can’t look after long hair I’d strongly be encouraging a haircut.

Looking after yourself means keeping yourself clean 🤷‍♀️

Would she prefer a bath instead? Has she said what does she dislike about showers? Boredom, being cold before/after , the feeling of the water , temperature etc.?

I’d keep trying with the set days. Maybe switch to a Sunday (so fresh for school) and a Wednesday. Bribery /rewarding might help “while you shower I’ll make (insert her favourite meal)” . Don’t use “if you shower though “. Hopefully in time she’ll start to associate it with a “reward” at the end if that makes sense.Or offer the meal anyway and as a reminder ask her “do you want to shower before or after dinner”?
You could try shower steamers (nice smelling tablets that colour the water and make the room smell nice) for a bit of fun? You ca also use them in a similar way “which steamer will you use today?”.

The idea is to (subtly) state the shower is happening , but giving her choices.

Does she have any interest in her hair? Like dying /highlighting it? Allowing her to play around with it will require washing and if she loves it and cares about it she’ll hopefully have a vested interest in maintaining it too.

I hear you. There are many pupils like your DD who cope in school/ or mask in school that seem low priority, but it's only 'seem', they are, in fact, priority as much as any other pupil.

Interestingly, a diagnosis can lead to DLA which you can use to employ a counsellor/ coach. We haven't gone down that road yet, but are thinking about it for DS2 to perhaps have a coach for uni next year/ looking towards him going into student digs.

I'm not sure of your area, but here (Scotland) CAMHS prioritise those nearer 18 as they want them off their list before they reach adult services. It could be similar where you are.

🙄

We dont have a bath. She hasnt stated any particular sensory issues with having a shower or even that she doesn't like it, shes insistent thst she does shower (she doesnt).
Honestly shes 13 not 6 and far too clever for all of the aims to 'entice' her into it. She has lovely shower mousses and shampoos etc, but any attempt to bribe or cajole and shes instantly defiant as she sees straight through it

You can’t send her back to school without showering and washing her hair if she’s as bad as you’ve made her out to be.

it’s not fair on her teachers and classmates, let alone her.

Bullying is bound to start

School would be totally correct to submit a safeguarding referral.

We have been told by several sources that a diagnosis would be years away and likely not before sixth form. We can't even get a referral at the moment to get the process going. Im really worried for her mental health in the meantime and our family dynamix, which is depressing as hell at the moment. Am praying that pubescent hormones are exacerbating everything and will calm down in time!

This might be helpful tbh, might prompt a pathway to assessment and diagnosis. Shes definitely not being neglected and so im not worried in the slightest about social services involvement, in fact i would be grateful for the support.

But shes weirdly not that smelly. Smells a bit funky when you hug her and her hair looks greasy, but its not something that would be obvious in a classroom for example (luckily).

Just suggested some things that worked for us, albeit DD was younger when we started.It wasn’t that she wasn’t smart enough, she just wanted that particular meal more than she hated the showers. There were also other thought processes involved that helped. Like the fact that we were “suffering “/doing a chore at the same time. 😬 The kid is weird.

I would urge you to reconsider and speak to the GP again about an assessment. Then apply for a needs assessment yourself. My child is very, very well behaved at school and exceeding academically. I did get him an EHCP though. His behaviour at home when not receiving support in school is appalling, as is his mental health.

With regard to an assessment, you may be able to get it more quickly with the NHS Right to Choose route.
From start to diagnosis was 9 months for us. We had to travel a little way, but it was worth it.

My DS went through a short phase of not brushing his teeth in the morning, I nagged and nagged as he stunk in the car. In the end I refused to give him a lift to school on my way to work and made him walk the half mile. That soon sorted the issue.

Don't beat around the bush, tell your DD she stinks of BO and looks like she's dunked her head in the chip pan.

Im going to try again tomorrow. Thanks

I thought this was only available for adults, ill ask the gp surgery, thanks.