How do i get my 13 yearold to shower?

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Really struggling with this. My 13 yr old has suspected ADHD and really resists showering. I felt like over the last couple of yrs i have been constantly battling with her to have a shower and wash her hair a min of a couple of times a week. Its been hard and she will lie and pretend she has when she hasnt.

We had a big meltdown a couple of weeks ago where she insisted that my telling or reminding her to shower was really unhelpful, felt like criticism to her and like i was telling her she smells. She also said it felt controlling and 'weird' for me to be monitoring when she showers. She was v upset and we agreed that i would stop asking her and she would do it on her own timetable.

So here we are, two weeks later, not a single shower has been had, shes starting to smell and her hair is very greasy.

I dont know where to go from here? Normal parenting e.g. providing rules of how often to wash, reminding and punishing just end up in her having meltdowns, not sleeping and accusations of us not loving her, etc. Its exhausting and doesnt seem to help?

Im trying to detatch my embarrasment about the whole thing (shes starting to look homeless) from the situation. I recognise she has to be able to manage her hygiene herself as she gets older, but im her parent and have a duty of care.

Long term how does this play out if i go against what we agreed and start with the requests to shower again? Im so confused and constantly weighing up my responsibility as a parent with getting her to trust me. WTF do i do? Dreading her going back to school like this, but maybe a friend telling her she stinks, while awful for her, might be what she needs to just get her to bloody wash!

Any advice? Sorry its so long!

Would having a routine in place help at all, so say she has shower on Monday and Thursday each week. Or which ever days would work for her and you then you agree to not bug her to shower any other day?

I don't think it's unreasonable to remind teenagers to shower. We have to do the same with DS and he's 15.

But if she is smelling then you have to tell her regardless. Or her schoolmates will.

It must be awful for you. I have DS19 who is ADHD & ASD & showering would be sporadic if left to his own devices. What works here is not telling, but asking so he regains control. So 'When's the last time you had a shower?' makes him think, & if it's 48 hours he makes his own mind up to have one. Also things like having a clear schedule helps- rugby or rugby training means he's actually covered in dirt so knows he'll wash, or part-time job means he'll know he'll shower for that as it's expected (retail so needs to be well presented). Other times I frame it as a choice 'You can shower now or in the morning.' Or 'You've got a group meeting at uni tomorrow, you'll need to be clean, will you have time in morning or best to do it today?'

If you don't think the simple asking would work, you may need to sort her down & ask if giving choices would help her. This way she's in control of her decision. Is she possibly ASD too? It's very common in ASD to have some PDA traits/ be PDA (demand avoidant). It's all about perceived control & language is important. If this extends to other things try to suggest things using language such as 'Let's see if/ what do you think of?/ I've had an idea I want to run past you/ what if?/ maybe we could?/ I'm going to... think if you'd like to join.' etc. It makes a big difference.

DS2 is at uni but lives at home as he knows he wouldn't cope living away right now. I need to scaffold lots of executive functioning still. I've been waiting for 4 months for him to decide on which trainers he wants with a voucher he was given! Decisions are hard. It's a hard journey. I feel you.

My youngest was the same. But we sat down and agreed a routine that worked for her and us. If she stuck to it, I didn’t need to remind her, and she was happy. It was on a visual timetable on her wall. It all had her face care routine on it, which she wanted.
shes old enough to understand that if she did it, you don’t have to remind her.
sometime though, it’s a matter of being the bad guy and just laying down the boundaries

Bath instead?

Have you looked up advice on line about supporting with sensory issues around washing, warming the bathroom, different towels, low or bright lighting - that kind of thing.

I had this conversation with both my teenage boys. I told them if they didn't wash and didn't wear clean clothes they would smell and wouldn't have any friends. ADHD not withstanding, they did take it on board.
As a parent you have to teach children these life skills.

Well meaning posters will talk of boundaries & sticking to them, but having an ND young person is very different.

I will qualify this by saying not all ND people find it hard. I have DS3 (13) who is PDA but loves a nightly bath as it's a sensory thing & he needs routine.

Yeah, surely she'll be teased or her mates will say something. Or even start avoiding her? Unless they're all similar?

Is she going to school smelly? I think you do have to frame it from a social currency perspective.

Surely she doesn't want people to not want to be near her due to BO? Or maybe she does want space and is using it as a barrier to keep social distance?

Is there something about the shower that doesn’t work for her? Or hair drying? Fitting into a different routine - after exercise, before school, as a bath watching a tv show, might help.

Would she rather have a bath? Lower the shower head so it doesn't spray on her face?

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of not washing. If she complains you're criticising and feels like she's being told she smells, tell her she does bloody smell! Tell her it's absolutely disgusting and unfair on the rest of the house to live with someone dirty and smelly. Tell her until she can be trusted to wash properly, that you will escort her to the bathroom every day and supervise her washing like a 5 year old.

Sometimes you do just have to be blunt with them.

Teacher here and there is nothing worse than a child who smells.
As parents you need to sit her down and agree a timetable and if she doesn’t stick to it you will remind her.
Children are cruel and you are setting her up to fail at School if she is going into School smelly.

Keep calling her smelly and greasy and tell her she will get spots if she doesn't wash and that she will be known as the smelly kid at school. Cruel to be kind

I told mine that it
Was just ' the rule' once you have hit puberty that you have to shower every day and that sometimes they might not fancy it but....🤷it's the rule.

Presenting as non negotiable is a good way I think because it takes away any moral judgement/ feelings. You're not criticising her just stating a fact- adults have to shower every day.

Agree. My middle child isn't fond of showering but I've explained it's basic hygiene and if he doesn't care about hygiene its my duty of care as his mother to enforce it. It's about being healthy! Secondly, kids won't want to hang around a smelly person so it's in their social interests to shower and keep clean.

OP tell your daughter she smells. It's factually correct and pretending she doesn't isn't in her best interests.

For my ADHD ASD teen it was actually easier to have a daily routine. Every evening after dinner it's shower, deodorant, clean underwear and pjs. Every morning it's clean clothes. Doing it periodically throughout the week made it harder, some days showering and some days not meant there was unpredictability about transitions. Giving him the responsibility of deciding if he is clean or not, or if his clothes are clean or not, is too much demand for him. It means we have a bit more clothes washing, but that's a skill that can come later.
Introducing this change at first he was very resistant but we insisted and now it's just a baked-in habit. Reducing friction is key, and some days washing and some days not, having decision points, etc. were all friction. He has a PDA profile, so we find the big challenge is with the first change, so we make each change sustainable once it's accepted, so we don't have to change it again.
We also buy him nice shower gels which makes the shower a nice sensory and calming experience. From huge ruptions before showers in the past, we now hear him singing away to himself in the evening as he washes.

No compromise here, once you’re in puberty a shower or bath every morning minimum. Try running the bath for her in the morning, maybe whilst she has a cuppa/breakfast in her pyjamas.
I understand not wanting to hurt her feelings or dictate but that won’t help long or short term actually…it’s your job to help her manage health/life as well as possible. There’s no compromising on teeth, and none on hygiene. She’ll thank you for it in the end.

You have to be prepared for this conversation to be uncomfortable.

I'd say: I have zero desire to control you or when you shower. That is not the reason why we keep having this conversation. But the truth is - everyone smells if they don't bathe and you are no exception. As your mum, who adores you, it is my duty to tell you this. It is not weird or controlling of me. It is normal. I cannot pretend you smell fresh and clean if you don't wash. I'd rather tell you than have people at school laughing at you or avoiding you for something that is so easy to sort out. You are not the problem, the smell is. You are not the smell. The smell can be got rid of in a single shower. This is not personal to you. It is a simple biological fact. Like everyone in the world, you need to wash regularly so the parts of the body that smell don't start getting stale and smelling bad to other people.

That is just non negotiable. Everything else is negotiable.

Challenge the bullshit eg 'You don't love me' by saying - Of course I love you! But I don't love the smell of unwashed bodies and I don't have to pretend i do. The smell isn't you. It's bacteria you need to wash off your skin and hair. It's because I love you that I mention it. People who don't love you will judge you for it. I am not judging you, I am judging a stale smell that will be gone in five minutes if you take a shower and wash thoroughly where the bacteria breeds. Hair, pits, bits, feet.

Ask her what is the sensory issue that makes her not enjoy bathing - is it the feel of water on her skin? If so, buy her three different coloured flannels - one for face, one for pits and bits, and one for feet. Show her how to do a stand up wash instead, keeping a towelling bathrobe on if she is chilly. If she doesn't like the feel of flannels, find some sponges or other textures that work for her.

If she hates the sensation of shower water pattering on her skin, suggest a deep bath twice a week, and let her wash her hair in the bath. She could even use a mild shampoo as bubble bath - something like Faith in Nature, so she just has to gently massage her scalp underwater, if she doesn't want to wash her hair thoroughly.

Does she dislike the smell or texture of the soaps you use? Take her to choose some she does like.

I had to explain to autistic son when he tried this nonsense that it is not him I am criticising but BO. He can get rid of BO in 5 minutes and the criticism is gone. Nothing to do with him. Everything to do with honky bacteria that have no place on his body.

Totally agree with this. DS is 15 and autistic (goes to a SEN school) and we’ve always had the same routine. It was evenings when he was younger and mornings once a teen. Every day is the same. Shower, hair wash, face wash, teeth clean, Deoderant, dry hair, clean clothes etc. and variation to the routine (like boiler broken, water off, need to get up at 4am for the airport etc) does provide a tricky time for him but those are less frequent so not worth disturbing the routine over. He will often ask what time he needs to leave the house at the weekend and will set his alarm for the appropriate time to ensure he has enough time to do everything - but this has been more recent.

daily routine will always be easier than sporadic, different transitions.

My 14 year old son is autistic and it took repeating that smelly greasy bodies are not going to go down well with friends and it will get mentioned at some point!
He took it on board and is now obsessed with being clean and smell free with non-greasy hair. He nags me about getting a bath and hair wash (still needs help) to the point it annoys me! But better that than a stinky teenager.

Brutal honesty is the best way to go!

Thank you, she def has some PDA traits.

I have tried creating a schedule with her e.g. shower on tues and thurs and she doesn't stick to it despite it being on her weekly white board.

I have spoken to her about making sure she doesnt smell and the inportance of hygiene. She does get embarrassed but would rather lie and pretend she has washed or argue at great length while avoiding it. Sometimes i think she likes the dopamine of having the argument and will escalate the calmest of discussions to epic proportions.

Thanks, we tried this, she just lies and pretends she has done it. Trying to get her to manage it herself and take ownership hasnt worked unfortunately.

Thanks, this is what i was doing but it just ended in her shouting and flipping out. Short of physically manhandling her into the shower which i cant/wont do, we were only left with sanctions and punishements, which dont work either. Im honestly at a loss.

Can she pop her phone/ipad up somewhere in the shower and watch something on YouTube that she likes while showering?
Maybe suggest that in a “how about we find somewhere to prop your phone up while you shower so you can watch something?”

Might be worth a try.
Shes going to get known as that dirty, smelly kid at school if she’s not careful.

DS is much younger (7) but undergoing assessment for ADHD, when he showers we now use a smart bulb to do changing colour lights and rain/jungle sounds. I realise that sounds a bit much but it's what he chose, was easy to achieve and he now asks to shower most days as he enjoys it , I think it gives him the sensory experience he craves. It's there anyway she would like the environment to be different to make showering more appealing? That might be lights/sounds or particular products/equipment