If you help financially put one child through uni, and the other didn't go to uni, would you gift that child money to compensate

[NewYearFitQueen]

Or how do you intend to balance it out ?

This

Its interesting how sacred university is. I do understand the perspective its investing in an adult child's personal development and hopefully will enhance thier earning potential so the deserve it.

Is it the feeling the child is earning the contribution by studying for it, where as giving money for other reasons is just a pure gift. Or us it the need bit, so the chikd needs it to do uni but not other things.

Its just for some students depending on the degree and iniversity it can feel a bit self indulgent.

No. I’d say that I’d contribute in the future if they change their mind and want to go to university. I would consider paying for some other course, depending what it was.

My 2 Dds BOTH went to uni and we did not give them equal amounts.

We were equitable... they had the minimum loan to live on, we paid their accommodation. One was in an expensive city for halls and housing, the other not. Their needs were different at that time.

Currently one is now working and living at home... the other at uni as a perpetual student expanding her qualifications - we support both, but again not equally. Their needs are different at this time...

We try to help with needs whilst we can.

It's fair and equal because each child gets the support they need to finish their education in the way they choose

I agree.

i went to uni, mainly through pressure from my parents. I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I wanted to get a job, travel a bit while working, take some time to mature while I figured out a career path.

i did intend to take a year out at least, and was offered a position in France at the end of it which I would have loved. It was based around my hobby, so I would have worked while also getting practice in.

my parents told me I needed to go to uni. They were worried if I took time out and “got used to earning money”, I wouldn’t want to go back to being a “skint student”. It would be a waste of my brain not to go, and I would need a degree for a decent job and career.

unfortunately I listened. Still clueless so I picked a subject and off I went. Utter waste of time and money. I have never had a job I needed that degree for, but the career I actually would have loved I then couldn’t afford to back to uni for another degree. Meanwhile my hobby has seriously taken off and people who got in early are now earning fortunes.

i’m also a number of years behind in my pension so will need to retire later.

both my kids will get support regardless. If they go do uni, fine. If they don’t I will help with the initial costs of independence, rent, car, phone, furnishings, whatever they need.

it won’t be down to the exact penny, but I don’t see why one should get several thousand to help them get started while the other doesn’t, because I don’t think uni is always a good option.

I would call this very unfair.
Helping them through university is just helping them complete their education.. I would support both children to complete their education.
If one chooses not to that is their choice. But I wouldn't then give them a lot of cash for that choice.

No. I think the uni situation is ridiculous at the moment given the expense which is something completely out of there control. Extremely unlikely any child can afford to pay for it themselves unless they stay at home and go to a local uni. I also think uni is important and don't see it as a reward.

My DD wants to go my and my DS says he doesn't plus he probably won't get the grades. I suspect my DS will be at home for a long time and I will be helping him fund the apprenticeship he wants to do (not a mainstream apprenticeship). DD is likely to move out after uni as she's very motivated/independent.

I agree, it is literally just supporting them finishing education.

Yep, always equal

To add, those going to university typically earn more and so are not being treated unfairly.

But why is an education more important and more deserving of your help than any other life choice?

why does one choice deserve a lot of cash but the other doesn’t?

buying a house is a choice. University is a choice. Both will have long term benefits over the childs life. So why does only one choice get help?

i am keeping a rough track of how much I have given my eldest while they’re at uni. My youngest knows if she chooses not to go she can have an equivalent amount of help. She currently wants to take a year to continue her sport and see if she can make the leap to professional. Chances are she will be able to fund herself but if she wants the money to help with rent/petrol/travel then she can have it. It’s her choice what she uses it for, I am not insisting it must be uni.

no way would I give one several thousand pounds for uni and refuse to help the youngest because I don’t think their choice is worth helping.

I find it interesting that uni is all about money and a lifestyle choice in your post, not a parent supporting their child through finishing their education.

I'm not giving my daughter a substantial amount of money that I won't be giving her brother, she's having to take loans out and I will be topping her up for with what she costs to live at home as she pays minimum rent while working on her gap year.

And no I wouldn't pay the first years of rent for a child what was working but hadn't gone to uni but I would help buy tools and a van for example if they had a trade, or if there van failed its MOT and they couldn't afford to pay for it etc... I would also let them live at home for as long as they needed probably paying minimum rent so they could save up to move out.

Most mums are like your mum btw. My mum helped me buy a new car but she doesn't pay for our holidays.

I think for me it might depend on whether I was already planning to help them in the future with things like a deposit/ wedding cost / cost of children.
If so I definitely wouldn’t as what do you when of them doesn’t get married and the other doesn’t have children

Even if I wasn’t doing that I think I still wouldn’t give them a pay out but let them know that the money is there for them

I don’t think subsidizing a young adult that doesn’t want to invest in their career is a good idea. It gives them a false sense of the reality of the life path they are choosing. It is best if they feel the full impact of their choices while it is still easy to make adjustments and parents are still in a position to help.

What do you count as “investing in their career” though?

my current job the minimum standard is a “degree, or experience in a related field”.

so if child a chooses to spend their first years on a low salary getting that experience, while child 2 decides to go to uni building up debt and then apply. Both children end up in the same role, but have “invested” in the careers in different ways.

What if your child goes to uni, you assist financially, then they get a job which doesn’t require a degree. That’s not investing in their career.

do you differentiate between sons and daughters? Many women get married, have children, and their career takes a back seat. Using the “investing in a career” logic, why would you invest in a daughter’s career when the chances are any career will last less than 10 years. A son will need their career to support their future family, so should you invest more in a son’s career?

eta I would say it’s more “investing in their future”. Whether that’s a degree, a house deposit, driving lessons, pension, LISA, why would you only support one child’s future? I will support both of mine, but they can choose what they invest that money in for their future.

My parents supported my brother through university but helped me buy my first car & paid for my wedding.

I agree with this post completely.

I wouldn’t want to incentivise skipping uni for a nice cash lump sum instead.

@Usernamenotfound1

Obvious investment in a career are education or certifications. If financial help is requested for an alternative path, I would expect my child to have a well thought out plan and proposal.

If my daughter or son is not going to keep themselves employable at a living wage, even if stepping out of the workforce at times, then I have failed as a parent. The best way to protect oneself and one’s children against continued abuse is the ability to leave after a single incident. I have taught my daughter the importance of always being able to walk out the door. It is my number one message as a parent.

I'd be willing to fund an equivalent educational/training type thing, or something for their career development. I wouldn't just be gifting money though.

It depends on what the support entails. Living costs, tuition, free rent at home, a car, etc.

But yes, I'd make sure they got even. Only for education or setting up their working future - maybe rent assistance / financial support if they have to move away for opportunities.

We are currently giving one son a small monthly allowance to get him through uni. We are helping our other son out practically with lifts to make earning his own money much easier - this involves 6am starts, pickups late at night and sometimes some juggling during the day. What he isn't getting financially, he is getting in support which allows him to earn 4 times what we give his sibling, while having absolutely no living costs.
I think it must be hard to be completely equal when siblings have different needs.

I would view pursuing her sport the same as completing her education and fund that.
But I wouldn't not give one child a deposit for a house just because her chosen course was more expensive than the others.