If you help financially put one child through uni, and the other didn't go to uni, would you gift that child money to compensate

[NewYearFitQueen]

Or how do you intend to balance it out ?

This.

We treat our dc equally in that we do what we can to support what need they have (be that emotional, or with time, or advice, or our skills, certainly not just with financial support) but that doesn't mean handing over cash to the other dc each time we might be able to offer one of the dc some financial support for something.
Giving them equal support and opportunity doesn't mean giving them the same amount.

I didn’t go to uni but my brother did and had his rent paid for him and an allowance throughout the 4 years he took to complete his undergraduate degree. I was basically kicked out at 19 so my parents could move away and follow their dreams and I struggled, holding down three jobs to pay the rent and bills.

Thanks to my amazing DH’s encouragement and support I’m now, finally, able to be a very mature student!

My mum is helping us out by paying for DC1’s uni accommodation at the moment, as I can’t afford to fund it on my vastly reduced hours (there are f/t placements involved, so will have to quit paid work altogether soon).

DH’s income is just above the threshold, which means DC1 (technically his stepchild) and I receive minimal student loan. DC1’s bio father is very much in a position to help, but is so mean and has made any financial support so conditional and complicated that it hasn’t happened and is probably the final nail in the coffin of their tenuous relationship.

My mother can easily afford it and wants to help DC1 (and therefore us as a family) so this is her way of doing so without upsetting any applecarts. She’s never really given either of us any money especially just for no reason. Although I suspect she’s paid for holidays she’s gone on with DB and family which I don’t begrudge at all - he and SIL have taken one for the team.😉

So, in answer to your question OP, I would see how their lives pan out and see if there are other ways to help DC who don’t attend uni.

No. If they came to me with an alternative for career investment and needed financial support I would consider it. My job is to help them invest in a good solid career, not just to hand over money.

What does the other child do?
if they have a business then perhaps invest in it

Not a direct cash gift but I have money saved to give both dc a leg up into adult hood. I expect dc1 will go to uni and we will support with accommodation and some living costs. I’m less sure dc2 will so will try and use her share for something that will help her eg a car and the initial costs relating to that. Haven’t thought it through exactly as they’re still young so not sure what their plans will be.

My friends Mum kept a spreadsheet! One dc went to study medicine, obviously a very long course with ++ subsidies from parents. The other received the same as a house deposit having chosen a funded degree. The Mum was keen for it to be absolutely fair, I imagine she wasn't treated fairly in her family.

Our eldest went to uni and only received minimum loan so we paid his rent for 4 years and he had a part time job to supplement his income, he now works full time and lives away from home. Youngest didn’t go to uni, works full time, lives at home and we don’t ask her for any rent. We feel that treats them fairly

Yes.

I wouldn't gift it to spend willy nilly but would make sure they had the same amount spent on them.

No, we have two who’ve gone to uni and one who dropped out after a year. One who has learnt to drive (we paid for lessons and helped with a car) and the other two who did lessons for a while then gave up. One has had help with his rent when he lost his job for a while, one still lives at home and one has never needed help in that way as she lives in a house rent free that her bf’s dm owns.

They are all different and have different needs at different times - it would be ridiculous to keep a tally of exactly whom has received what. We try to help them all in whatever way we can, if they need it - but just handing over a lump sum to one bc the other one went to uni is silly - they may need that money for something specific in the future.

It would be an odd thing to do as the one who didn’t go to Uni has more in savings than I do and much, much more than his degree educated sibling.

Yes, I would. My eldest DC funded themselves through uni because they worked for a few years first. My youngest is now at uni and will need financial support because they only worked for a year.

I intend to gift my eldest the same amount that I end up gifting my youngest.

My dilemma is that my middle one has worked since 16 and is a very high earner. It feels weird not to gift them the same, but it would be less than a month's salary to them and therefore fairly pointless. I haven't yet decided what to do, it's something I'm mulling over in the background.

If one DC went to uni then the 2nd didn’t I wouldn’t hand over the same amount I’d spend on uni fees to the 2nd. There will be something no doubt in their life I can contribute to, house, later education, baby, marriage (which may apply to both)

@CatusFlatus If you read my earlier post, you will see that I had less support than my siblings but I am now a high earner.

It would have meant an enormous amount to me if my parents had offered to equalise the imbalance, whether or not they felt I needed it.

They never did, and the unequal treatment destroyed our relationship.

Tell your high earning child what you have written here.

I'm considering this question, but more about private schools. One has it, the other doesnt.

No. We didn't.

That seems an odd set up. What was the reason you didn't go to private school when the others did? Why would they help siblings with university but not you? Something feels like it's missing here.

One of mine went to an elite arts school at 15K a year. They got in by audition. Not reasonable for the others to expect the same if there is no good reason for it (and they didn't want the same, or they'd have been given the same opportunity to try out). One went to public school because it was one with a special focus that suited their needs. In all cases, we've considered the needs of the child rather than the cost involved. I'm not going to compensate my children because they chose a different path, but they will all have their needs met as suits their own needs.

Pretty much that.

One of mine took an academic uni route and we helped financially, the other did a vocational degree with a bursary. But a decade later the vocational one had my grandchildren and I help with nursery costs.
That's pretty much how it's gone for the last decade and a half. I've had different opportunities to help each one at different times and for different reasons. I keep a very very rough tally in my head.

I would try my best to be equal in treatment. If I had offered up front to help any child through university and only one had taken up the offer then I’d try to offer a similar amount of help with career training if that was something my other children wanted to pursue.

University is likely more expensive than other options though, so it might not make sense to fund the same amount to the other children.

No.

I would try exceptionally hard not to do this. I can see how it might come about, if you start off being able to afford it with the first child but then when the next goes to school your finances aren’t the same and you can’t afford two sets of fees. Of course you wouldn’t want to pull your first child away from their school and friends if you could still afford one set of fees.
Or maybe one has a personality type that would struggle a lot more in a comprehensive than a small independent. But I can see how the other children might feel put out by this.

I’d try my best to budget ahead of time that if I can’t afford it for both, I don’t put the first in private school.

No, I wouldn’t. Assistance based on need, if the other child didn’t go down the uni route then I would obviously support them in whichever way they needed relating to their choices but I wouldn’t expect things to necessarily be like for like financially.

Absolutely not.

I’ve been very clear with my DC if they want to go to uni (and two have) we will pay

if they want to get married we will pay

if they want to buy a house we will contribute.

but there are no cash equivalents.

if they don’t want to go to uni/get married/buy a house they’re not getting tens of thousands to spend on crap/fritter away.

needs based not necessarily equal

No I wouldn’t, unless you offered them both the choice of £xxx at eighteen, and say you can either have this for uni, or a house deposit etc. The uni student may , in retrospect prefer the cash, rather than going to uni if they had the option.

I presume the non-uni student is still living at home post eighteen, so you are still supporting them financially.