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Original poster

If you help financially put one child through uni, and the other didn't go to uni, would you gift that child money to compensate

123 replies

NewYearFitQueen · 28/12/2025 20:27

Or how do you intend to balance it out ?

OP posts:
whatawalley · 29/12/2025 04:59

One helped financially at uni and the other lives at home rent free and with a few other benefits to even it all out.

Iocanepowder · 29/12/2025 04:59

I wouldn’t just throw money at them to piss up the wall. But for example if DC1 goes to uni and DC2 goes straight into work, i would help DC2 with costs to move out so they don’t have to live with us.

TheChosenTwo · 29/12/2025 05:03

No.
We spent the best part of 40K putting dc1 through uni.
dc2 didn’t plan on going. We spent some money on her equipment setting herself up as an apprentice in something she was interested in (considerably less than 40K!). She jacked it in within 6 months and then decided to go to uni after all. We are financially supporting her in the same way we did dc1.
But no, I wouldn’t have just handed her over the equivalent cash to her because we’d spent that on her sibling, the money spent was supporting her education and we were happy to do that because it would benefit her life long term.
We would support them however they need but don’t just handover cash so they ‘have the same’. Would be different if they wanted to do something with it to develop and further themselves in terms of training and gaining skills/other qualifications.

Growuppeople · 29/12/2025 05:03

are they lazy and doing no further education? Then no!
are they doing an apprenticeship?
are they working?
it’s impossible to answer!
if they live at home then that is the same as living costs if you where to pay that for someone at university
need more details!?

Usernamenotfound1 · 29/12/2025 05:29

Well one is at uni and will come out debt free.

if the younger one chooses to go they will have the usual loans and debts.

so no, I am not sure what to do. I will probably gift them both a similar amount of money to set up their lives after education.

Cando6 · 29/12/2025 05:34

No. And we’ve discussed it. Eldest went to uni and twins had the choice. Twin 1 did an apprenticeship and twin 2 deferred uni for a couple of years while working and travelling then decided she didn’t fancy it.
I have told them that if they had gone to uni we would have supported them. They had the choice. (I was so relieved as couldn’t really afford it!).
Plus eldest has a massive debt to pay off now and they don’t. They’re OK with it.

caringcarer · 29/12/2025 07:06

DD went to uni and I paid a lot for her to do so. Eldest DS didn't want to go. I paid for him to have HGV class 2 driving lessons and do his HGV test. After he'd driven an HGV class 2 for 2-3 years I paid for him to do HGV class 1 lessons then test. I also gave him £10k towards a house deposit. I didn't give my DD money towards a house deposit but I have helped her pay nursery fees so she could go back to work after both my DGC were born. For you gest ds he didn't want to go to uni despite excellent A level grades so I gifted him £55k towards deposit as he earned less and without help he couldn't afford a mortgage. Youngest DC is aware he will get £25 less in my will than his siblings to even up. All siblings are aware of this and all agreed it was fair for me to help out you gest ds on deposit as they both had mortgages.

caringcarer · 29/12/2025 07:07

Whatever you decide be transparent with all your DC or else there are often issues down the line.

LostittoBostik · 29/12/2025 07:20

Holdonforsummer · 28/12/2025 20:37

Agree with the last poster, I wouldn’t make sure they received exactly the same, I would make sure they had the same chances. So if one child goes to uni, I will make sure the other one gets help if they want to train to do something but I don’t poorly just give them the cash, no.

This

AngelsWithSilverWings · 29/12/2025 09:05

No I wouldn't.

We paid for private school for three years for DD to get her through her GCSEs and at the time thought it would balance out because DS would need financial support through Uni ( we always knew DD would not be going to Uni)

In the end DS decided against Uni and is working full time and earning decent money so doesn't need our financial support.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 29/12/2025 09:06

I bought the non uni one their first car (brand new) instead

EleanorReally · 29/12/2025 09:08

it wouldnt cross my mind to do so

EleanorReally · 29/12/2025 09:09

ds didnt go to uni but did stay at home for longer

ManyPigeons · 29/12/2025 09:12

I wouldnt balance it out. The help was because the government expects parents to help their kids through uni. If they don’t do that they don’t need my help. The other child may also then turn around and say they’d have preferred a flat deposit etc but weren’t told it was a choice.

If the other child needs help with something later on, say professional qualifications or uni as a mature student or private medical care or something the I may choose to help to redress the balance.

Equity not equality.

Cannedlaughter · 29/12/2025 09:21

If your son is learning a trade, help with buying a small van, tools or paying for a course. If he needs support to get to work, money towards a car. It all evened out with our two when in the same situation.

GloriousGiftBag · 29/12/2025 09:31

I think this way madness lies.

For various reasons my siblings had more years at more expensive private schools than me - absolutelyno one was working out the difference in fees spent. Then our sibling group went to wildly different unis in terms of tuition fees, accommodation costs and bursaries etc. Again, no one added up and divided the differences.

We were all supported to get our education, we were all supported at uni and we all received financial contributions towards weddings and houses. The amounts involved may be very different but the impacts were similar. We are very different now financially and that is entirely down to when and where we bought houses and how much equity we have.

My dc all do hobbies but some like grassroots football are very cheap whereas as others like music and dancing are very expensive. I sincerely hope my dc dont expect the sums involved to be added up and noted. They are all supported in their hobbies and that is the point.

It's the support not the amounts.

I will support all my dc to complete their education and become independent productive adults but I will not be handing over lump sums to even up financial amounts (and I would be gutted if I thought that's what they were expecting).

Usernamenotfound1 · 31/12/2025 10:47

is not “needing” financial support a reason for not giving him what you planned to?

Dh’s family had this attitude. His sister has had considerable support over her lifetime, dh nothing.

it does burn. Her lifestyle is her choice, she chose to send her kids to private school, a house she needed help with a deposit for. Meanwhile we’ve made choices within our own budget constraints and got no help as a consequence.

Conversely- i’ve just found out my mum has paid for my brothers house refurb. She has said she will contribute if I get some stuff done on my house that needs doing. Problem is I can’t afford it. So I won’t get the money because I don’t “need” it. That pisses me off. If she just gave me the money I could get at least some of it started, but I can’t afford the deposits/can’t risk getting it done and being left with the bill. That and I have other financial priorities that need sorting first.

my oldest won’t need money for uni. My youngest probably will if she chooses to go. It is her choice though. I will support it, but I will also support my oldest choices and make sure they don’t miss out because they chose a different path. They will get money to help them with whatever choice they do make.

just because someone looks like they don’t need help, or make choices that mean they don’t need such clear help, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t make a massive difference.

Clarehandaust · 31/12/2025 10:48

Yes

Clarehandaust · 31/12/2025 10:49

Usernamenotfound1 · 31/12/2025 10:47

is not “needing” financial support a reason for not giving him what you planned to?

Dh’s family had this attitude. His sister has had considerable support over her lifetime, dh nothing.

it does burn. Her lifestyle is her choice, she chose to send her kids to private school, a house she needed help with a deposit for. Meanwhile we’ve made choices within our own budget constraints and got no help as a consequence.

Conversely- i’ve just found out my mum has paid for my brothers house refurb. She has said she will contribute if I get some stuff done on my house that needs doing. Problem is I can’t afford it. So I won’t get the money because I don’t “need” it. That pisses me off. If she just gave me the money I could get at least some of it started, but I can’t afford the deposits/can’t risk getting it done and being left with the bill. That and I have other financial priorities that need sorting first.

my oldest won’t need money for uni. My youngest probably will if she chooses to go. It is her choice though. I will support it, but I will also support my oldest choices and make sure they don’t miss out because they chose a different path. They will get money to help them with whatever choice they do make.

just because someone looks like they don’t need help, or make choices that mean they don’t need such clear help, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t make a massive difference.

That attitude of need pisses me right off

We have a family where one member has constantly needed relentless support which is meant there’s just been no option for anybody else to do anything other than just cope
It’s really unfair

Clasaassa · 31/12/2025 10:49

I would only give the money for training / education. Like a course or work based training or work equipment etc.

But yes. I would make sure it was fair and equal.

Usernamenotfound1 · 31/12/2025 23:12

Clasaassa · 31/12/2025 10:49

I would only give the money for training / education. Like a course or work based training or work equipment etc.

But yes. I would make sure it was fair and equal.

Edited

How would you make it fair and equal if one child chose uni, and all the associated costs, and the other chose an apprenticeship, so all those costs were paid while they worked?

ShesTheAlbatross · 31/12/2025 23:28

Usernamenotfound1 · 31/12/2025 23:12

How would you make it fair and equal if one child chose uni, and all the associated costs, and the other chose an apprenticeship, so all those costs were paid while they worked?

Show quote history

Personally I wouldn’t think that they needed the same level of support, so wouldn’t feel the need to make it even in terms of the money received.

As a smaller example, when I went to uni I got allocated the cheapest uni halls and could afford them. My sister got allocated the most expensive ones and that took too much out of her loan, so my parents paid towards her accommodation. I didn’t feel this was unfair. The equality didn’t come from “we have given both children £X” but from “we will ensure both children are adequately housed with sufficient money left to live on”.

Dliplop · 31/12/2025 23:36

anon2022anon · 28/12/2025 20:28

I would pay for some work related training in the future, or maybe a van for self employment.

Came here to say that. An ex’s parents got a van to help their youngest start out in business

Usernamenotfound1 · 31/12/2025 23:46

ShesTheAlbatross · 31/12/2025 23:28

Personally I wouldn’t think that they needed the same level of support, so wouldn’t feel the need to make it even in terms of the money received.

As a smaller example, when I went to uni I got allocated the cheapest uni halls and could afford them. My sister got allocated the most expensive ones and that took too much out of her loan, so my parents paid towards her accommodation. I didn’t feel this was unfair. The equality didn’t come from “we have given both children £X” but from “we will ensure both children are adequately housed with sufficient money left to live on”.

Show quote history

you have a point with the relative costs of e.g halls.

but if I give one child say £5 a year as top ups for halls, fees etc, that’s 15k over a 3 year degree.

if my other child chooses an apprenticeship and works alongside their degree, so I don’t need to contribute at all, why should they miss out on 15k because they can support themselves, with a probably tougher route?

yes they might not “need” it in the same way, but that 15k might make their lives much easier. They might be spending more on hidden costs like transport, food etc to get to their job, have less time off etc.

ResusciAnnie · 31/12/2025 23:50

My sister went to Oxbridge then elsewhere to do a phD. I didn’t go to uni. I didn’t even think about the money they must have spent on her until I just read this 😅 so no they didnt give me money. We’re saving hard for our kids whatever they do though, need to even out DC1’s as he’s got the same as his younger brother at the mo despite being older.