If you help financially put one child through uni, and the other didn't go to uni, would you gift that child money to compensate

[NewYearFitQueen]

Or how do you intend to balance it out ?

Well if they are living at home you’d be paying for food and bills for them. If not, then you could be helping with rent if they needed it because they might not have a great salary. If they had an amazing salary I probably wouldn’t feel the need to.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t help. I’m just saying I wouldn’t feel the need add it up to make sure “your sister got £15k, you only needed £10k so I’ll give you the difference”.

I think you could drive yourself mad trying to make it fair. In your scenario of someone who doesn’t “need” the £15k, if you give it to them you are probably giving them a better quality of life than their sibling who really needed it. They might end up using that money to have a great time (fine), while their sibling used it to make sure they ate.
It’s just different approaches. Neither are wrong. One way is to effectively say “we’ll give you both £x, do with it what you like” the other is “we’ll support you both with what you want to do and top up money where needed to ensure a decent standard of living. That may mean one of you doesn’t need a single penny”

Equivalent money in a savings account until they brought a house or something.

three out of four of mine have gone to Uni. We do not compensate the one who didn't. he has done better for himself than the others and has lived at home rent free for some years. We make it fair by not charging him any rent thus enabling him to save for his own home.

I will make sure they both get the financial help they need when they need it. My DS is at uni on a long course but I do not yet know what help my DD will need or how much but will make sure they both get the support they need, fair does not necessarily mean equal.

My DSis went to Uni, I didn’t - back in the days of grants, mind you - but no, no other funding but I was fortunate to get training through my job and have done ok with work place funded training to a professional level so don’t feel hard done by at all.

No, I wouldn't and I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

University money is different to me. All mine went and for supported. I don't believe they would expect that money off they didn't go.

Just like if one got married and the other didn't. My money is help towards the wedding.

I'm not rolling in money and can't just dish it out did no purpose.

We actually had this conversation earlier, as we have one almost finished uni, and one hopefully going in 2027.

DS2 would love to see the world. We agreed that in the event that he chose uni wasn’t for him, then we would help to fund some travel. We wouldn’t match like for like money wise, as we’ve spent a fortune on DS1, but we’d certainly offer a decent amount

Wow. Even my grandmother gave my sister a small sum on her 30th when it was clear she wasn’t getting married.

if I couldn’t afford to “dish out money for no purpose” I wouldn’t dish it out at all. I certainly wouldn’t be paying out for a wedding, which let’s face it isn’t a life necessity. I might offer to cover a registry office fee, but the whole formal wedding palaver? If my kids want that they can pay for it themselves.

i wouldn’t pay for one’s life choice and not the other.

I'm not saying we'd pay for the whole wedding. I couldn't afford that. I'd just want to contribute and help in a similar way my parents did. My parents paid for our wedding breakfast, which was a massive help. I would expect the couple getting married to pay most of it.

With the cost of weddings these days, they would be a lot, so maybe we'd give around £5k to help.

I'm an advocate for marriage, so I don't see it as one's life choice in that way. I'd much rather my DDs were married, especially if they have kids.

A wedding costs money, but just handing out money for the child isn't getting married ...isn't something I'd do. Now if they were buying a house, we might give a little something to help.

You see far too many women on here leaving themselves financially vulnerable high, without the security of marriage.

Exactly our attitude, too. One dc got a bursary, so needed less financial support to go to uni. Inflation has affected youngest dc’s uni costs, plus he has humungous feet, so needs to budget far higher for clothing, even if he is frugal. Would be ridiculous to say he should get the same as his bursary sibling, or that the bursary sibling should get a bit more to make up.

My in-laws did this. DH went to uni, his sister didn’t want to go and used the money to travel. When she returned she asked to go to uni, and they then funded this as well.

No

at some point our children need different assistance and you’ll be there for them

No, Uni is separate. If you don’t go you don’t get that money.

We paid to put DS2 through uni. DS1 didn't want to go and instead worked. We didn't give him the equivalent money.

When DS1 was 24 he decided to do an apprenticeship. He came to live back home for 3 years as he was on a very low wage. We have him a small monthly allowance to top up his income. Obviously he has 3 years of free board and lodging. I've never worked out the finances but it feels as though they both had equal support during their 3 years of study.

No, if you try to balance everything it will never work and will look off. As someone has said, offer chances and opportunities. Give support. I tend to think a child going to university is still a child, very few starting uni have funds to support themselves and a job won’t always be enough. An older adult, even if your child, has a better financial understanding of what cars/houses cost and how they can afford it being an independent adult. They will probably be in a better financial position with a greater disposable income than most parents.

I would make sure that had something equivalent but not just send the money - I'd redress the balance when something next came up that they needed.

It’s interesting, we’ve been having similar debates. Ours is more focused on whether DC1 should be contributing to house keeping though.

DC1 went into an apprenticeship at 16, he’s now 20. Earns well for his age but not huge potential for the future. Dc2 will likely do a 5 year degree course and should come out with a good and well paid career. We will be supporting DC2 through this.

DC1 has had no financial help from us other than free living at home. He has bought his own car, paid for his own driving lessons and insurance. I cannot fathom whether we should charge him some housekeeping now - some people (on here and in real life) say he should be paying his way and we’re doing him no favours. Yet, we will be supporting his sister until she’s approximately 23 years old. I just can’t decide the ‘right’ thing to do.

DD is currently in her 3rd year at uni, wants to stay on to do a masters. We are covering her rent in private halls. DS is 18 and qualified as a mechanic last summer. He’s looking for work at the moment (due to a 6 month wait for a driving test, it was immediate rejections for anything he applied for, he passed his test at the end of October ). We paid for his driving lessons, bought him a second hand car and have paid for his insurance. When he does get a job, I don’t intend to ask him for a contribution until the years of support have evened out between him and his sister.

If you don’t need the money, could you ‘charge’ him a proportion of his salary and put it aside for him for when he wants to buy his own place or get his own tools or whatever would help him on the next step?

I wouldn't give them the cash equivalent of what it cost to put your other kid through uni, it's too big of a cash injection for no particular reason. If they're earning without needing to go to uni, then that's the path they chose.

As long as you made it clear to them that you'd also help if they wanted to go to uni in the next few years, that's enough.

I'd try to help them both equally with a house deposit, if I could, at some point in the future, too. Don't help one with a house deposit and not the other on the grounds that one didn't go to uni -- that's unfairly penalising the one that went.

@PurpleThistle7 Yes, I think that might be the way to go.

We paid the rent for DC1 to go to Uni.

We offered to pay the rent to DC2 to go to an apprenticeship so that he could go anywhere and do whatever he chose and not be stuck due to pay level. He however managed to get a well paid apprenticeship and could afford a house share room. We paid for his first week in a hotel as the room share wasnt immediately vacant.

Other than the above, we ahve always treated them equally. One had my old car, the other we gave some money to help them towards buying their first car.

When one bought a house (on their own) we gave them a lump sum to help them meet a better LTV. We gave the other the same.

I wouldn’t count up the money precisely at that age. In our case, my elder child went to state school, but at 16-19 was at full-time dance school, which was pricey even with a scholarship. We then paid for travel to auditions. Younger went to private school from age 11-16 as was less academic and more in need, then university, which we topped up. We consider that equal. Any money given to them from that point on is equal.

Aren’t you unfairly penalising the one that didn’t go though? You’ve given one child a substantial sum for something they choose to do, but because the other makes a different choice, they don’t get the same support.

If you’ve paid one’s rent while they are at uni, why wouldn’t you pay the other one’s rent for their first few years of independence?

my mum does this as a form of control. She will only help us out financially if it’s for something she approves of.

No I wouldn't. I would help financially with their career if they needed it but I don't see the need to give exactly the same to each child. It depends what they need. You were supporting your child's education. If your other child didn't go to university they don't need that financial support.
Neither would I give the child who went to university lees support in later years just because I supported them through university