Sooo…the afternoon of Christmas Eve and dh still hasn’t sorted his parents a Christmas gift.

[Dontyoulooktired]

I’ll start by saying that he rarely does and I don’t do it for him. It’s not my job to sort out presents for his family.

But something really awful happened to me this year and PIL were really good. They helped so much.

i have asked him, he keeps saying, “I’ll do it.” When, dh, when?

I think I am going to have to step in this year. They have gone above and beyond for us, the least I can do is book them a voucher for a nice afternoon tea somewhere. They are coming over to spend the day with us tomorrow, it would be pretty shitty to hand them nothing (it’s a joint account btw, and I am a SAHM, so it’s not like I’d be using “my” money to get them a gift, it’s just the point that he should probably want to get them something, especially after all the help they have been this year).

Absolute twat.

I would definitely get them something. It sounds like you have a good relationship, I’m sure they would appreciate it. I personally see my DH’s family as very much my family, and mine his, since we got married, so I’d be more than happy to step in (especially since we’ve had children actually, as both sets of parents are their GPs, and integral family members who deserve to be considered and treated well).

as pps have answered you, that's fine if you BOTH AGREE to allocate tasks according to your strengths in advance and then STICK TO IT!

If OP's situation was as per your analogy, it would be like you, the SAHM, taking responsibility for something like buying the kids school uniform,your DH repeatedly offering to order it on his way home from work and you saying "No, it's my job, don't worry about it," leaving it to the day before they go back and being surprised there's nothing in their sizes available. Or it being 'your job' to pick the kids up from school and forgetting.

Besides which, I'm sure if the DH had just said, given they've literally discussed what to get them, "Fab they'll love that, please would you mind ordering it," OP would have done so, given she now has anyway. It's the repeatedly saying he'll do it and then not that's annoying, and breaking the family 'contract' as it were.

It is his parents. Says a lot about him doesn't it?

Yep, that’s exactly it.

If he’d had said, “great idea, please could you go on the hotel website and get it?” I would have done it there and then. But he kept saying he’d do it.

He’s not been out anyway. He’s been sat at the table, elbow deep in Lego with the kids all afternoon.

It is not lack of time. He doesn't give a a hoot which shows how disappointing he is.

He probably assumes he can go on the website in the morning and print off a voucher, which to be fair he probably could given you've just done it.

I like that he's playing with your dc (not at the pub).

Get them something sign it from yourself and say it’s a gesture of appreciation for the help they gave you .

He rarely sorts out a gift for his parents. Read the OP so unlikely to will assume he can print something off in the morning,

Your standards for men seem to be rather low.

I would do it just from you, and I would find them a lovely card in your card stash and write them a very special message about how you have appreciated all the extra help they have given you this year, how they have supported you when things were so tough and how you can never really repay their kindness but want them to know how much you love them and hope they accept the voucher and enjoy the outing as a small token of how you feel.

Let us know what happens, OP.

Get them a small present and card just from you. Sign it just from you. If it gets questioned why it's from you and not your DH as well just feign ignorance and say "oh well I just wanted to get you both something a little extra from me as you've been so good to me this year. I didn't realise DH didn't get you anything. I thought he would which was why I got this as a little extra something".

You can love or like PIL just as people for themselves. There’s no way I wouldn’t get a present for a valued family member no matter who they were related to blood wise.

And this is why men don't level up. Because a lot of women make allowances for their lazy arses and will end up doing it for them.

Agree with this - but(as I am very petty) I’d make it a gift from me, personally, with a note of how grateful I am for their help this year…

He's not rubbish at it, he's just not doing it.

Its nauseating. And it's where 'just ask him' or 'just tell him' falls down.

Ultimately, there's no excuse. There is just no excuse.

You’ve done the right thing OP and I’m sure they will appreciate it.

I’d be having a conversation with DH about how it changes how I see him when he can’t get off his arse to organise a present for his parents who lost their other child earlier this year and have been incredibly kind to your family this year. It makes him look really unkind and lacking in empathy and all the playing with Lego with his own DC (easy and he probably enjoys it( does not make up for that.

I disagree. It’s only shitty if you accept the premise that it’s OP’s job to compensate for her DH’s deficits to save everyone’s feelings. In fact it’s her DH who has been shitty and hurtful, and he shouldn’t be protected from the natural consequences of that decision.

I suspect he resents you micro managing him, why didn’t you just let him get on with as he has done in the past ?

I don’t micromanage him. If I did, his parents would get Christmas and birthday presents.

And he hasn’t got on with it in the past. He’s only bought a handful of presents for them, for birthdays, Christmases, mother and fathers days over the years. He hardly ever bothers and I never say anything. How you extrapolate micro managing from that is astounding.

I only asked him if he’d done it a few times this time as we discussed it and he said he would do it.

I’d get them a gift. I’m not a SAHM…I’m setting up a business but the finances currently I contribute about 15% (drawn from my savings) to my DP earnings. But since quite early on in our relationship I e taken on lots of life admin including cards/gifting/coms/logistics for his family. I do majority of everything organisationally. I think he sees it as he is paying for everything…but I know this won’t change when I am contributing more. I think this is the default dynamic between. Men and women unfortunately

I can understand why you don’t want to take over buying gifts but if I was you I would just take over buying PILs.

You say your DH is a good husband/ dad otherwise and your PILs sound like nice people. They buy a gift for your DH/ you and I’m guessing for your children aswell. I couldn’t be happy knowing they were not receiving a gift back even if I resented having to buy it.

This is exactly what I think.

Men bank on women not being able to go through with leaving them to fail and cause upset

👏👏👏👏👏

It nothing to do with anyone being "better", it's about not wanting to do it.

In laws over the moon with the voucher and can’t wait to book in a Sunday lunch there and have a walk round the gardens.

I gave the voucher to them in a nice card from me with a message about how grateful I am for all their help. It was signed just from me.

They both thanked me. just me. The children gave them the present from them (whiskey and chocolates).

Dh just looked on.