Sooo…the afternoon of Christmas Eve and dh still hasn’t sorted his parents a Christmas gift.

[Dontyoulooktired]

I’ll start by saying that he rarely does and I don’t do it for him. It’s not my job to sort out presents for his family.

But something really awful happened to me this year and PIL were really good. They helped so much.

i have asked him, he keeps saying, “I’ll do it.” When, dh, when?

I think I am going to have to step in this year. They have gone above and beyond for us, the least I can do is book them a voucher for a nice afternoon tea somewhere. They are coming over to spend the day with us tomorrow, it would be pretty shitty to hand them nothing (it’s a joint account btw, and I am a SAHM, so it’s not like I’d be using “my” money to get them a gift, it’s just the point that he should probably want to get them something, especially after all the help they have been this year).

Absolute twat.

I can imagine this scenario in our marriage. I’ve come to realise / understand that DH’s relationship with his parents is very different from mine. He has a childhood, a history, an entire lifetime with them. I’m an outsider, who formed an adult relationship with them relatively recently (20 odd years). They’re not my parents, they’re not friends, they’re something in between. But they are DH’s parents.

It’s not my business to direct or manage or dictate how he deals with his parents. He’s quite happy not to show appreciation, because a lot of the time he doesn’t feel it. He thinks it’s normal that his parents should do xyz and that we’d do the same for our DC (he’s not wrong). But I feel obliged and want to show appreciation because I could have ended up with really shitty in laws and am grateful that I haven’t.

So I’d do exactly what you’ve done.

I mean, it’s a roast dinner tomorrow. We aren’t hosting a banquet. It’s pretty bare minimum stuff having them here for Christmas Day, so I don’t think it’s that.

His thoughtlessness has just pissed me off this year as they have done so much. It’s also the first time we are ever spending actual Christmas Day with them all the years we’ve been married.

Absolutely agree with what you've done. My "D"H hasn't lifted a finger for the kids presents except one which he's bought and labelled as just from him... If he doesn't think and change it then the dozen others I've arranged, bought and wrapped will mysteriously have their labels altered tonight to say just from me...

Oh, these threads about useless, uninvolved man children.
They come out around this time like red ants.

^This. Give them the voucher as an extra gift from you to thank them for their help. “D”H needs to get his arse in gear to get the Christmas present he said he’d get.

My “D”P is the same. Leaves it until the last minute, goes into town on Cmas eve (he’s there right now!) to get the presents he refused to get earlier because he was “too busy”, etc. Then he inevitably buys something wildly over expensive or panic buys or sometimes just leaves it all too late and then has to apologise to his mum for not getting anything on time (and of course she forgives him; how else do you think he got that way?) Now, I refuse to “save” him from his folly. I buy his mum a separate present from me; and he has to shift for himself. I can’t be bothered to save men from themselves any more.

Edited to say I see you have done this - fantastic! Good for you.

It’s also the first time we are ever spending actual Christmas Day with them all the years we’ve been married.

That's unusual!

Does he not like them/enjoy their company?

Do you think they will be bothered by a lack of present (if that's what happens?)

I would get it myself. My parents do so much for my brother and his wife, and his wife clearly takes the view that it's 'his' family and not hers so often doesn't bother with gifts or making sure there's food in when they visit.
My mum always buys her lovely gifts and treats her like family, yet she treats my parents like they are my brother's family.
It's caused such offence over the years. I would be choosing a lovely gift for them and giving it to them, they will know you've chosen it. Just because he's shit it doesn't mean you have to be too.

Oh absolutely. I wouldn’t let the useless selfish cunt claim any of the credit for the gift.

Nooooo, nothing like that. MIL is from another country. They always spent Christmas there with her sister, who wouldn’t travel, but she died in January this year. We always had our Christmas with them the weekend after Christmas when they were back. So nothing sinister. We always had a second Christmas with them, just a few days later.

Just incompetence in this case. He just doesn’t care.

The thing is you dont know if someone is a "lazy man baby " or theres some other reason for the issue unless you communicate.

@Dontyoulooktired

Will you get anything? Does he think about you?

Your DH doesn't come across well here at all

Seeing as pil have been a great support to you this year, I think it's nice you've gotten them something.

I’ve had my main present early. I was moaning about my dr martens being old and battered, so he bought me a new pair and gave them to me last week, so I can break them in before I meet an old friend for a long walk on Boxing Day.

i’ll get a couple of smaller token gifts Christmas Day, as will he. But I really wasn’t expecting the boots as we’ve just had a new kitchen so we weren’t going to do anything other than token gifts.

He knows you will get it from both of you so just doesn’t bother. Just don’t do it show him for the selfish jerk he is.

While I think that your handling the gifts for your family and he for his makes a lot of sense, I do find it kind of odd if all of the gifts for both sides are from both of you and it's this late and he's not even discussing what he plans to get. But if you don't fully trust him to get something for them that you're happy with, I'd get them something separate as a thank you from you - perhaps frame it as a one-off gift you give at/for New Year, kind of closing out a hard year by acknowledging the help you've been grateful to receive?

No, he’s just lazy.

He adores his parents. Sees them a lot, he’s always popping in on way home from work etc.

Which is why I’ve never understood the whole gift thing. He’s not tight at all. It’s so fucking odd!

no, he doesn’t as I never have done. I fell into that trap with my first husband when I was very young. I swore I’d never do it again, so I never have done.

I don’t have any family to buy gifts for - I lost both my parents years ago and I’ve got no one else.

Make sure you do put it only from you. You've done everything you can. They would probably know anyway. What a dick.

I wouldn’t have someone come over on Christmas Day and not have a present for them. I think it’s a bit petty for you to not buy a present for the in-laws, bearing in mind that you as a SAHM have more time available. Of course it’s his family and ideally he should sort it, but if you are sharing resources then doesn’t that mean you’re in it together? I’d be annoyed that he said he’d do it and hasn’t, but would definitely sort it myself now rather than have the embarrassment of them turning up to no Christmas present!

My other half hasnt bought his family members anything either - he was just going to give them cash (yawn). Im sad for them now and wish id put some effort in..
Why are (most) men so hopeless?

Does seem strange then.
I have the urge to come round to your house and ask him why he's left it so late to buy his Parents who he adores and who have been so kind and helpful to his wife a Christmas gift! Xx

That’s why I just have bought them something.

But really, he said he would do it. And this is the first year, in all the years we’ve been together that I’ve pushed him and asked him a few times. Mainly because of all the help they have given this year and because they will be there on Christmas Day.

But he’s chosen not to, for whatever reason, so they have the gift from my eldest that he’s sorted from him and his siblings as usual and the voucher from me.

Their actual child has had the entire year to arrange something. How much more time does he need?

He adores his parents. Sees them a lot, he’s always popping in on way home from work etc.
Which is why I’ve never understood the whole gift thing. He’s not tight at all. It’s so fucking odd!

Well that would mean a lot more to some people than a present!

But I suppose a token present might be better than nothing?

We often just buy chocs, fancy biscuits...