Bit niche, but anyone want to join a support thread for those of us hosting an adult child's partner who they can't fucking stand?

[BoobsOnTheChristmasTree]

I'm already on my last fucking nerve with DD(23)'s boyfriend. They've been together 2 years, I said he could come for Christmas despite misgivings because I thought I was just being uncharitable about him but nope he really is fucking infuriating and rude and arrogant.

Doesn't like our house (which yes, is old and a bit tumbledown and quirky) and makes no attempt to hide it, with snidey PA digs at every opportunity.

Apparently doesn't know the words please and thank you.

Turns up empty handed.

Doesn't like the bed or pillows.

Doesn't like vegetarian food and keeps dropping hints about it not being Christmas dinner without meat. Fuck off back to mummy's for some turkey then? Please?

But my DD matters more to me than having a go at him. She's had a terrible year for various reasons and tbf to him he has stuck around. He's young, he might grow up and change, or more hopefully she might ditch him (tbf I think she's already well on the way). I just need somewhere to vent so I can keep a smile on my face for the next few days!

I'd just smile, say nothing and give him enough rope. If you never, ever bite back he shows himself up as the moaning whingeing little git he is.

Fortunately I don't have any disliked OHs this year, but my youngest is recently out of a ten year relationship with a guy that NOBODY in the family liked, and there was a LOT of tongue-biting at family get-togethers. But she has thanked us all for not saying anything against him, apparently this made it easier for her when she finally dumped him because she knew she wasn't going to be faced with 'I told you so' from all and sundry.

You are a better person than me OP.
He sounds unbearably rude and I would have great difficulty not calling him out on it.

I don’t have this issue because although I do have two adult partners staying over Christmas they’re both lovely!
I do have every sympathy for you though because I can imagine how hellish it must be having someone staying who’s an ungrateful knobhead. I don’t think I’d be able to keep my mouth shut, so well done on keeping the peace for your daughter.

Aargh, that's so annoying! Kudos to you if you can smile serenely and let it wash over you. It is a saving grace that he's supported your DD through a hard year. Do they live together or is he still living with his mum? His attitude towards your house is suggestive of someone who's never had the responsibility of maintaining their own property.

I know myself well enough to feel confident that I’d have ladled out the sarcasm and then told him to pipe down or bugger off by now.

If your house isn’t up to his exacting standards, you mustn’t keep him in such primitive conditions … which train does he wish to catch later?

I’m waiting for the comments about the lack of meat too. I sexed up the meatless Richmond sausages with pastry last year and fooled the meat eaters.

Good luck, just get tipsy and laugh.

Oh I don’t know about getting tipsy! Wirh my rather forthright ways, the menopause and alcohol, well let’s just say he might be hearing some home truths. Even if I didn’t say anything, with that combination, my face would give me away!

Ach just let it slide. I was in my late twenties before I went anywhere not 'empty handed', and I used to imagine my funny comments about people's houses would be appreciated. I am now mature, polite and considerate but it didn't happen overnight. Unless he's openly rude or offensive, turn it into a joke.

Checking in with popcorn as sounds like it’s going to be a fun ride! Seriously though I’m impressed at your approach and this will put you in good stead for when your DD hopefully realised he’s as arsehole. Maybe just watch you don’t tip over into looking like it’s all normal / acceptable though though so she minimises his behaviour as ‘everyone else loves him’…

Oh I am letting it slide.

But I don't have to like it.

He's actually 3 years older than her, has a decent career (which brings him into contact with celebrities regularly, and oh boy don't we all hear about that at every opportunity) and lives in a flat share.

Bear in mind that this his loutish behaviour will become more obvious to her when it's placed in the context of her home and family, and your reasonable, measured and consistently polite and gracious responses to whatever provocation is thrown your way.
You don't need to say anything, the comparison will become glaringly obvious. If you want to up the ante just be more charming than usual with extra please and thank yous and praise for her thrown in. Bite your tongue, it will be worth it.

Are you sure he ‘helped’ your daughter through the past shitty year, OP, and didn’t actually contribute to its shittiness for her?

I’d call the little prick out. I know what people are saying about keeping the dd happy but when it strays into insults about the house or food then it risks being a situation where you’re all complicit in allowing him to get away with it and I’m too old for that game. No little 23 year old male is going to insult me in my own house. And I’d be seriously having whispered words to dd about the fact that she’s worth more than some arrogant little twerp who insults her family.

Oh gawd he sounds dreadful. Doesn’t dd notice what a prick he is?

I could put up with some of that but the comments about my cooking? No way. I think you should voice that reply it’s perfect “oh not this again. if you don’t like the food you can fuck off back to mummy for some turkey, your call.” I love it. A bright breezy smile and see if you can put him back in his box.

I would ask dd to do a task that he would turn his nose up at and ask him to pop out for some last minute bits and pieces. Give him a list but no money (if pressed say you'll settle up when he gets back). That gets him out of the house, hopefully a contribution to the cost plus he has to deal with xmas shops. 😁

has a decent career (which brings him into contact with celebrities regularly, and oh boy don't we all hear about that at every opportunity)

“it sounds as though it’s really important to you to be near people who are famous / in celebrity magazines /notorious/ on the television a lot. Why do you think that matters to you so much?” <innocent face>

He definitely wasn't the cause of the shittiness. She thinks he's helped her, I think that's debatable, but that's an ongoing conversation I'm having with her and not a bombshell I want to detonate over Christmas, you know?

I just...I dunno. As a family we have dealt with some seriously traumatic events around Christmas time for the last couple of years and I just don't want to make anything worse by being snarky back at him. I just want to be nice and let it wash over me, and if he is still on the scene next year I'm saying openly that I don't want any extras for Christmas. Tbf DD would have understood if I'd said that in the first place this year, but I was trying to be magnanimous and welcoming and it's too late now to change my mind.

I don't think he's a bad person as such, just entitled and whiny and a bit of an ego pig!

No advice OP but sending you strength and hoping you have plenty of gin in!!

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat 10 years, you say? 😱 please share your top tips for being nice...?

NOTHING highlights the ghastly more than seeing your friends or bfs with your family (and vice versa). Look hurt when he’s rude, and carry on politely. Enjoy the time with your daughter.

I do, and I'm being utterly petty by keeping it in the outside fridge and not offering him any 😂 DD doesn't drink anyway so he can just do without.

Exactly. The time with her is very very precious to me and nothing will get in the way of me treasuring that.

aghhh sounds awful

on the positive he will leave your home a slightly better person with his eyes opened to other ways of living even if he doesn’t realise it

So why isn't he with his family this Christmas, does your DD go to his family?

Can I join just for the lols? 😭