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Original poster

Argument between 7yoDS and DH

105 replies

wonder456 · 19/12/2025 22:36

Sorry in advance for waffling message but want to get this right for my 7year old...

Tonight my 7yo DS and his step dad had an argument.. to cut a long story short DS (who is waiting for autism diagnosis (he gets very overwhelmed very quickly and very angry)) saw that his drawing ripped and accused DH (because apparently he was nearby when he found it) DH was very angry at this accusation...

DH was so very angry because he said DS said 'I saw him do it'... and so lied.. therefore should apologise and have a consequence for lying which is our no.1 family rule.

I've spoken to DS about this who keeps saying to me he doesn't think he said that and and can't really remember and gets very upset when I suggest he may have... but DH is pushing for a consequence and apology and said he won't speak to DS without.

DH also got very upset with me for taking DS's
side and not 'believing him' and said 'If you don't apologise I'll leave' to which I relied 'he can hear you' and he said 'I want him to hear'

Do I make DS apologise and give him a consequence? Sorry this is a lame post.. Don't know what to do...and want to get it right for my son... Thankyou in advance..

OP posts:
IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 01:24

Your dh was bang out of order

MrsDoubtingMyself · 20/12/2025 06:47

wonder456 · 20/12/2025 00:08

Thankyou everyone for your honest replies.. to hear so many people agree on the same thing is so helpful it gets so warped when you are living in it.. tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'.. he genuinely loves his stepdad as he is amazing to him in so many ways... it's like Jekyll and Hyde.. but this is the first time it's actually involved an argument with my son.

i hear what everyone is saying and it's giving me a lot of strength.

@ravenlawhe said it often in arguments.

Edited

Goodness. How mature your 7 year old child is 🤣🤣🤣

Stop minimising what your partner is doing

Start being a loyal mother to your child

BobblyBobbleHat · 20/12/2025 06:53

I think they both need to apologise to each other. Even with autism, it is important to help him understand that his behaviour was wrong. Your dh can apologise for overreacting.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families SEN
Octavia64 · 20/12/2025 06:55

The problem with a no lying rule is that you get situations (like this) where your dh is convinced your son broke the rule simply because of the form of words he used.

compare:

dad, my picture is ripped (statement of fact)
dad, did you rip my picture (question)
dad, you picked up my picture and when you put it down it was ripped (statement of fact)
dad, you intended to rip my picture (accusing dad of intentionally lying).

most young children have a LOT of problems with intentionality. They will assume that if someone stumbles into them that it was malicious (may or not have been), they will assume that accidents are intentional.

if your dh ripped it by accident it is likely your DS assumed intentionality and accused him of deliberately ripping it.

hence your dh can take refuge in DS was lying and your DS is adamant that dad did it. Both can be true.

this is the major problem with a no lying rule. Small kids under about 11 don’t see intentionality the way adults do and tell the truth about the way they see the world.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 07:03

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 23:42

DH sounds very childish but you also seem like you use DS’s apparent ‘autism’ as an excuse for his behaviour.

DS very likely said what DH says he said.
DS very likely does not remember saying it.

DH is right, that DS should not have said it and DS needs to be reminded about lying and accusing people of things they haven’t done (this could cause massive problems in the future).

But DH needs to calm down and talk about this when DS is calm, else he’ll never learn.

DS needs to apologise for potentially saying something that wasn’t true and DH needs to give an olive branch and model mature behaviour by accepting his apology and saying that he understands as it may have been said in the heat of the moment.
DH can then help DS fix his painting and put it up on the wall.

This, all the drama needs to be taken out of things @wonder456 or you need to stop the “family rule” that’s we always tell the truth, if it’s now “we always tell the truth, expect ds7 and that’s ok” is he the only child?

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 07:22

wonder456 · 20/12/2025 00:08

Thankyou everyone for your honest replies.. to hear so many people agree on the same thing is so helpful it gets so warped when you are living in it.. tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'.. he genuinely loves his stepdad as he is amazing to him in so many ways... it's like Jekyll and Hyde.. but this is the first time it's actually involved an argument with my son.

i hear what everyone is saying and it's giving me a lot of strength.

@ravenlawhe said it often in arguments.

Edited

tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'..

the irony! If your DS had of apologised then it could of been resolved

BobblyBobbleHat · 20/12/2025 07:59

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 07:22

tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'..

the irony! If your DS had of apologised then it could of been resolved

Show quote history

I agree.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 08:03

BobblyBobbleHat · 20/12/2025 07:59

I agree.

Show quote history

Same, if you’re not paraphrasing “tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'..”
is such mature terminology for a 7 yo

Original poster
wonder456 · 20/12/2025 08:50

We have a 2 year old also.. I think what happened it DS1 was so upset at the time - when he saw it was ripped - I don't think he was thinking logically - he just went into meltdown mode and gets very angry. He said DH was near the drawing when he saw it so that's why he thought he did it.. thing is he didn't get asked a question and then lied about it- he had a reaction during a meltdown.. I don't think it's the same thing as lying really...

maybe you're right - maybe i should take it off the family rules...

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 08:57

wonder456 · 20/12/2025 08:50

We have a 2 year old also.. I think what happened it DS1 was so upset at the time - when he saw it was ripped - I don't think he was thinking logically - he just went into meltdown mode and gets very angry. He said DH was near the drawing when he saw it so that's why he thought he did it.. thing is he didn't get asked a question and then lied about it- he had a reaction during a meltdown.. I don't think it's the same thing as lying really...

maybe you're right - maybe i should take it off the family rules...

Why would you take always be honest with each other off the family rules?

WinterSunglasses · 20/12/2025 09:01

Men who make a big, big deal of 'being able to trust you' usually have something unpleasant underlying it. So often it seems to mutate into control and paranoia.

CosyMintFish · 20/12/2025 09:05

wonder456 · 20/12/2025 08:50

We have a 2 year old also.. I think what happened it DS1 was so upset at the time - when he saw it was ripped - I don't think he was thinking logically - he just went into meltdown mode and gets very angry. He said DH was near the drawing when he saw it so that's why he thought he did it.. thing is he didn't get asked a question and then lied about it- he had a reaction during a meltdown.. I don't think it's the same thing as lying really...

maybe you're right - maybe i should take it off the family rules...

It’s certainly worth reviewing the ‘no lying’ rule if you pretend to your dc that there is a Santa Claus.

FcukBreastCancer · 20/12/2025 09:05

I think I'd be annoyed if one of my kids accused me to be honest. Although his reaction was disproportionate

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 09:06

7 year olds are still learning to regulate their emotions. Your dp should have already learned to regulate his.

ItsDarkNow · 20/12/2025 09:16

Is your husband’s verbal abuse of you covered under these ‘family rules’. How long are going to put up with him telling you that you are ‘unwell’?

HarryVanderspeigle · 20/12/2025 09:26

I think some people are expecting an awful lot of an autistic 7 year old. He was terribly sad that his picture was broken and the dad was there when he discovered it. Making an assumption is not the same as lying. A lot of autistic children speak in phrases (gestalt language process) and one of mine had a habit of yelling "you hurt me" any time he was hurt physically or emotionally. It didn't mean people actually hurt him or were anywhere near him, it was just the phrase used.

Now your poor boy has moved into people pleasing. It doesn't sound like he understands what he has done "wrong" but is now cowed into admitting anything to fix it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2025 09:34

Wonder

Indeed how long are you going to put up with him stating you are "unwell"?.

And he is a truly awful example of a step father to your eldest child. If you choose to stay with such a man that is on you but you do not have to and your man's reactions towards your eldest have been really poor. BTW sound travels and your 2 year old likely heard this commotion too.

Your two year old is his so is treated a lot better overall by him. Make no mistake here OP, you are raising two children in a home where an abusive man is present. You're already copping verbal abuse in the shape of ,"'you're not well' and I really mean that' from your husband.

(Re your son and his education apply for a EHCP plan yourself after Christmas if you are in England. The websites IPSEA and SOSSEN are very useful in this regard).

Purplewarrior · 20/12/2025 09:35

Given your updates, your DH is a complete tosser.

Mauro711 · 20/12/2025 09:40

Your poor little boy sounds quite anxious. I really don't think he loves his SDad, he is probably just scared of upsetting you and you choosing SDad and new child over him so he's trying to placate his SDad. It's quite clear to most posters on this thread that your H is not some billiant and kind man, to you or your son, your DS will probably feel that too but he can't express why because it's unfortunately now his normal. Like with most of these cases, these things become apparent to the child when they are approching puberty but by then the damage will be done and your child will most likely struggle quite a lot with his relationship with your H. If I were you, I'd put my son first and make sure he gets to grow up without a sulking man who tells his mum she's unwell because she doesn't automatically gang up on her son.

sprigatito · 20/12/2025 11:22

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 08:03

Same, if you’re not paraphrasing “tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'..”
is such mature terminology for a 7 yo

Show quote history

Not untypical for an autistic child. The phrase “little professor” has been applied to them for decades.

VikaOlson · 20/12/2025 11:48

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 07:22

tonight my son said to me 'mama just do what you need to do to resolve it'..

the irony! If your DS had of apologised then it could of been resolved

Show quote history

Yes, the little boy should have been rational and apologised to avoid the adult man having a tantrum, refusing to talk to him, threatening to leave and accusing his mother of being unwell...

Best he learns early that everyone needs to tiptoe around 'dad'.

pusspuss9 · 20/12/2025 11:53

Octavia64 · 20/12/2025 06:55

The problem with a no lying rule is that you get situations (like this) where your dh is convinced your son broke the rule simply because of the form of words he used.

compare:

dad, my picture is ripped (statement of fact)
dad, did you rip my picture (question)
dad, you picked up my picture and when you put it down it was ripped (statement of fact)
dad, you intended to rip my picture (accusing dad of intentionally lying).

most young children have a LOT of problems with intentionality. They will assume that if someone stumbles into them that it was malicious (may or not have been), they will assume that accidents are intentional.

if your dh ripped it by accident it is likely your DS assumed intentionality and accused him of deliberately ripping it.

hence your dh can take refuge in DS was lying and your DS is adamant that dad did it. Both can be true.

this is the major problem with a no lying rule. Small kids under about 11 don’t see intentionality the way adults do and tell the truth about the way they see the world.

I wonder who in the family insisted on the no lying rule? that would be interesting.

kalokagathos · 20/12/2025 12:33

Leave that man!

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 14:34

VikaOlson · 20/12/2025 11:48

Yes, the little boy should have been rational and apologised to avoid the adult man having a tantrum, refusing to talk to him, threatening to leave and accusing his mother of being unwell...

Best he learns early that everyone needs to tiptoe around 'dad'.

Show quote history

The adult acted like that after the child lied so if the child had not of lied it wouldn’t have escalated however the child did lie but if he had just apologised the adult wouldn’t of got angry.

HelloGreen · 20/12/2025 15:03

He’s insinuating you’re mentally unwell you mean? Even if you were how does that impact his behaviour? He’s trying to deflect and blame.

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