Are families really expected to pay for care home fees?

[Whatsituation]

I always thought it was paid for by savings or property owned by the person or if they had neither then paid by the government?

Dh has been telling me how if MIL/FIL ever needs to go into a home his siblings will expect us to contribute along with them for a ‘better’ home?? I’ve said no that’s not happening and it won’t be a better one just the same I assume but they will
habe money coming in from various places for each resident it’s not like there are council care home and private ones I assumed the council fund spaces wherever they are ?

He’s said I’m being unkind but there’s no way I’m spending money on care fees for his parents !

@bumblebee1000 Thanks and it is worth being aware but as it goes there is so much left it could never be seen as deprivation of assets. Like 20 years each in the best home available still in play. My SIL was trying to get stuff signed over in light of what happened to MIL. Anything to play the system.

Please do not say this to your DH, OP

@Tiddlywinky Why not? It's not her monkey, not her circus. She has kids she need to keep and a life she has to live.

I have absolutely said it to my DH. It's not my monkey. Not my circus. My MIL, SIL and BIL have consistently sniffed about my family's money with comments about paying for this or sharing that.

MIL has her own money. Less clearly, but she doesn't need me to pay for anything. The money she has should be spent on her. Anything else is my SIL and BIL trying to protect their inheritance which is not their money and is just sickening.

If that’s what they’re planning down the road now is probably a good time to sit down and go over this and how it would hypothetically happen, because if there’s a disagreement when it comes round it will put a massive strain on your relationship.

DB and I are currently not talking because of this (sort of, DM isn’t care home age yet). It’s only the 2 of us and he wanted me to contribute the same as him despite the disparity in our incomes and our wildly different circumstances. It didn’t work and a massive fallout ensued.

Mum is in a private care home and burning through her savings at £1350 per week. If she gets down to £16k in savings she can only stay there if we as her kids top up between what the government pays and the £1350 a week. If we get to that hopefully she will be so far gone she won't know. It's bad enough the entirety of my parents savings going, I'm not also going to give my money as well.

Exactly this. If my husband ever said this about my mother, he would be out on his arse. Its my mum, of course i would be helping make sure she receives the best possible care.

Then your situation is very different from the OP’s.

I'd wonder if it's worth the siblings buying a flat / bungalow for the parents to live in that's conveniently located for at least some of the siblings to visit.

So people who can’t afford top-up fees should buy a property instead? Seriously?

Not really. Her in laws should be looking to themselves to sort it out, not crippling the next generation coz they feel they are entitled to care off the back of other people's effort.

I wish the costs I'm looking at were as low as £1500/month.
Care home cost estimates where my elderly dad lives are median about £3800/month (per person). Much higher, maybe £8000/month) if they actually need a nursing home.

I've been looking at retirement villages / assisted living. Monthly fees start around £3000 but that can be for a couple, at least. On top of a entry fee, which can be £300k or so.

Put bluntly, if people want to go on living beyond the point where they are able to care for themselves, they need to start saving from the moment they get their first salary payment.

OP’s husband thinking he and his siblings may need to make a modest contribution to his parents care home expenses = parents crippling the next generation.
Really?

My DH and his siblings pay £100 each/month towards their parents private carers & cleaner. If I’d had opposed this and told my DH “not my circus, not my monkeys” he’d be appalled and rightly so.

@Tiddlywinky it's others who claiming it may be a small amount of £100 a month. At no point has such a figure been specified by the OP. And £100 rarely remains at £100. It's like life insurance is cheap when you are in your 20's, 30's or maybe 40's... but by 50's, 60's or 70's it isn't so cheap anymore and you are tied in.

In point of fact, many people actually do not want to go on living beyond the point where they are able to care for themselves. What are we supposed to do about it? Kill ourselves? When? How? I have two relatives in this situation and one said to me only today that he has “lived too long“. Suicide is really tricky when you’re elderly and frail. The difficulty is that this catches up with you before you realise where you are. Perhaps we should all be able to kill ourselves round about the 70/75 mark?

Unfortunately, the proposed assisted dying bill is only for those within six months of death and given the state of the relatives I mentioned, we would’ve thought they were there three or four years ago. But apparently not.

Suggestions appreciated @Misanthropologie

Actually, if my Mum had lived long enough to have used up her savings after I sold her house, the difference between the care home she was in and the horrendous dump that the council would have paid for was £700 per WEEK. I would have gone into a lot of debt to top up the cost to have kept her there, but she didn’t live long enough.

My friends mum recently went into a home, it was a LA approved one but the fee was higher than their max amount. Friend and her sister pay £75 top up each per week.

As they have zero assets, they’d get their care from the government and any pension they receive. They haven’t saved or have their own assets. £100 is getting you jack shit compared to how much the fees are for care homes. You’re talking thousands.

They will qualify for a fully funded Council Care Home if that is the case. Having worked both in the private and public sectors , I found the Council home to be far superior to some private homes

What did your mother ever do to deserve a child like you?

Wow, aren't you a lovely person. Too bad your partner didn't know what kind of person you were before marriage.

Exactly this.

thats really sad. 😔 had to convince my sisters our mum Needed to be in a home (she kept falling over snd was 96 at the time).. much as they denied it I think they didn’t want her asset money to be used on fees. I argued that it wasn’t fair on Her to only see us the revolving door of carers - she needed her own age company. She’s 99 last week! She loved the home she went into and all the worries of living alone in a house just disappeared.

If nobody helps pay the top.up.then the care home they are living in wont be the best or necessarily in the area you live in.

Maybe a shared bathroom which isn't a good idea.

Most people who love their parents want them to have good care and a private room/bathroom is a must for dignity and health reasons.

Care home fees are very high- much higher than most people could have imagined decades ago. Older people now in their 80/90s- paid into national insurance and paid tax with the promise that - yes promise- that the NHS would be there from cradle to grave .

That's why you have assets and savings yourself to pay for it and not expect you DC to fund it.