“I make the money so you need to just do it”

[Tiredmum299]

Currently on maternity leave after having DS number 2. Planning on going back to work in February part time. DP works away for long stints and then home for a weekend before going away again, has done this rotation since I was 6 months pregnant. This has been really hard on the family, the kids and our relationship as well really, navigating him working away alongside a new baby.

We are going away for the weekend and I am trying to get myself, DS aged 10 and DS aged 9 months ready and packed for going away (DP can see to himself). I’ve just cooked dinner, his favourite as he’s lived on takeaways for weeks and I felt like a home cooked meal would be nice for a change, and whilst it was cooking I did the usual multitasking of loading the dishwasher, emptying washing machine, hanging up washing, etc whilst DP sat on the sofa with our eldest, all fine as my son has really missed him and I wanted them to have time together.

just finished dinner and I said okay, I’m going to go and finish packing, can you please see to these dishes? He’s just gone and sat back on the sofa on his phone. I said “DP, I really need help with getting the house tidied and everyone packed before we go away, can you please help me?” And he replied “I will in a while, not just now”. From experience he will end up leaving it and I’ll end up having to do it. So I asked again 15 mins later and I pointed out that for the last few times we’ve gone away, I’ve done all the organising, packing and admin, and would appreciate some help. He then turns round and says “well I’m working away and earning the money, so you will just need to do it”.

I am really upset by this comment, especially since my older son overheard and then he (DS) started copying his dad and saying “yeah mum”. I felt the tears coming and walked away.

I feel really pathetic for getting so upset, but I am just exhausted after years of the invisible labour that mums seem to be stuck with, and lack of help from DP. I have always worked full time since we met and contributed to the household, the only time I have had to rely on him is now when I’m on mat leave and SMP. However I feel that over the years, I have slowly taken on more and more of the household role and the family admin. He’s never had this attitude with me before, but since he’s been working away and earning more money there have been a few similar digs made, but nothing this nasty.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here by posting, just wanted to speak to someone as I can’t really speak to anyone in real life as I don’t want them to have an opinion/judgement on our relationship.

Why quote the OP 3 posts and 7 minutes in?

YANBU OP. He sounds like an arse. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and as you've not challenged the minor comments they've just built up. Question is, what will you do now?

Well if you end up divorced he will be earning the money , and paying you a significant proportion in child maintenance but you won’t be there to do the dishes. Perhaps point that out. What a knobber.

Honestly I would figure out a way to get out now before things get trickier. He’s not going to change . You know that.

@piscofrisco
They are not married.
@Chattytwin - do not drag your 9 year old child into your relationship issues. He is too young and it’s not his responsibility.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here by posting, just wanted to speak to someone as I can’t really speak to anyone in real life as I don’t want them to have an opinion/judgement on our relationship.

I felt like this before leaving my ex. I thought it all through by myself (and women's aid, he was abusive) because if I decided to stay with him I didn't want anyone to know what he'd done. Because it would make things awkward.

What I couldn't see until much much later, long after I'd left, is that this reaction in itself was telling me something. What I couldn't see at the time is that it wouldn't have been awkward because people would have judged him, exactly. It would have been awkward because they'd have been right to, because what he did was wrong.

With hindsight I can see that telling everyone close to me IRL is exactly what I should have done. Then I wouldn't have been alone with it, pretending everything was fine. I could have had some support instead. And when they all judged him for it, that would have been fine too because he deserved to be judged for doing awful things and I deserved people standing up for me. If I'd stayed it wouldn't have been fake any more, because people would have known the truth of what went on and it would have been safer for me because they'd have been keeping an eye on me. And if they'd repeatedly told me I should leave and I needn't put up with it, that would have been fine too, because it's the truth and I needed to hear it.

But luckily, in the end after weighing it up, I left. People were shocked and even though I didn't say exactly what he'd done, they were all on my side. They were my friends, my family, and they believed me when I said it has to end. I wasn't known for making rash decisions or stupid choices, nobody questioned my judgement. Of all the major decisions I've made in my life, leaving him was one of the best ones.

By not telling your nearest and dearest, you're attempting to keep yourself in denial, to gaslight yourself that everything is fine and it's not that bad. The thing that made me ultimately leave was the realisation is it was that bad and if I didn't stamp on it, it only gets worse. There was no way I could stamp on it and be seen by DC to stamp on it and show it's not to be tolerated, without leaving. I'd already tried explaining my position in a hundred different ways thinking he just didn't understand. I'd tried reasoning with him, trying to get him to see my point of view, compromising myself and asking him to compromise just a little. I'd tried ignoring it and putting up with it and telling myself he didn't really mean it. But he did mean it and he already understood, I was wasting my breath because he just didn't care. I didn't leave because I wanted to leave, I didn't want "us" to end. I left because I had no option. I couldn't stay and stand up for myself. I was trying but it wasn't working and it became clear that it was going to have to be one or the other. And I couldn't teach DC that it was ok to treat another person like that, which is the message I'd have been giving if I stayed.

I do find it weird that he took a working away job when you were 6 months pregnant. It would have been less weird if that has always been his job and he'd never thought of it all from your perspective. But he literally chose to abandon you when you needed him most. I wonder at what makes a person do that. Honestly - I question are you sure you're his only family? Or else did he actually want DC at all and he's living a secret single guy lifestyle when he's away? To have taken a work-away job when he did... is just baffling. It makes no sense, not in the context of you being a family. It's more like you all started to become a family and he instantly, if only partially, checked out.

Don't. Don't tie yourself to him any more than you already have. It will be hell on earth if you break up. He won't want to sell, he won't be reasonable, he'll want to try to force you out and you won't be able to stop him living there whenever he wants, as co-owner.

You're not married, so anything you have isn't joint, buy a flat with a single sibling or something instead and keep renting together if you stay with him. Then you're on the property ladder, have a bolt hole in an emergency, are building equity and have something to sell to use as a deposit on your own place if you leave him.

I'd rethink that joint account too. Bills, children and household expenses only. No joint savings either. You're not married, so either of you could empty out the entire contents of the account and there would be nothing the other one could do to get it back.

I am so so angry for you. He has literally no clue and is so ungrateful. Swap roles for a week and he would literally collapse. Unreal.

Well, maybe he'll learn not to be rude/parroting his twat of a father?

Plan to go back full time in Feb.

See his face when he sees the nursery bills ( that he's paying ).

He's one of those men who basically doesn't see the value in what you do - his comment demonstrates this.

You are not married therefore you have no rights to anything but child support. Do not entangle your finances with this man. Please.
He has shown you what kind of man he is. Believe him.