Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is there any reason that you would cut your young adult son off ?

95 replies

Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:00

It’s just that really, if you found out he had done something really terrible.He showed no remorse, I am struggling atm.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Nevernonono · 08/12/2025 03:02

I don’t think I would, but of course as I’ve not been in the position I’m not 100% sure.

Are you ok? Do you want to share?

Original poster
Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:06

Thank you for responding, I don’t really want to share details but I can’t even look at him . God I feel such a failure.

OP posts:
Nevernonono · 08/12/2025 03:08

That’s fine of course. This all sounds quite new and raw? You sound like you’re in shock. Do you have real life support?

HeadyLamarr · 08/12/2025 03:10

Sexual assault. I'd really struggle to stay on side if he'd sexually assaulted someone.

Original poster
Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:12

Than you, I think I need to seek professional help.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 08/12/2025 03:13

Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:06

Thank you for responding, I don’t really want to share details but I can’t even look at him . God I feel such a failure.

I don’t know what he’s done obviously but the brain doesn’t become fully developed until about the mid twenties, hence lots of young people making silly decisions and doing things that 10 years on they’d be mortified by.

aelfgifu2 · 08/12/2025 03:15

You are not responsible for someone else's actions. I hope you are OK.

PennyRest · 08/12/2025 03:20

So sorry you are struggling OP. I think
professional support sounds a good idea.

Bedismyhappyplace · 08/12/2025 03:25

name changed for this and not going into specifics but

When one of my sons was an older teen he did something that I considered “bad” not illegal but I felt it was morally wrong. It made me feel that I had failed as a mum that he seemed to think that this behaviour was acceptable.
it fundamentally changed the way I felt about him.
We are a few years down the line now and to other family and friends we seem close and have a good parent / adult child relationship but my feelings haven’t changed. We get together, me and his dad support him quite a lot, more than would be usual at his age tbh but I don’t love him in the way a mum should.
I’ve even spoken to a counsellor about it.
So yes I think I could cut off one of my adult children if they did something “bad enough” if that makes me a bad parent so be it.

Original poster
Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:33

Thank you @Bedismyhappyplace , I really appreciate that you took the time to respond. Xx

OP posts:
Lolabear38 · 08/12/2025 03:34

Honestly…. It would depend on what it was. I’m not asking you to share but I can’t say what I would do in your shoes without knowing that.

While I also do think it’s hard to say anything definitively unless you’re in that position - if it was something that intentionally caused physical harm to another person and they showed no remorse I would find that hard to deal with. I like to think I would try and find a way through it (while encouraging them to seek support to understand the consequences of their actions and be remorseful) but it would all depend on what exactly it was they’d done.

Missey85 · 08/12/2025 03:38

My mum cut off my brother for good because he Sexually assaulted me when I was a child and I'm glad she did

Devilsmommy · 08/12/2025 03:43

If he sexually assaulted someone or was a nonce then I'd have zero problem cutting him off.

Original poster
Dinofina · 08/12/2025 03:45

I am so very sorry @Missey85,, your mom did the right thing. I hope it helped with your healing, you’re a brave girl. Xx

OP posts:
WellThatsAlrightThen · 08/12/2025 04:18

It’s a very hard question to answer. I would struggle to fully cut him off but I think for me a lot would come down to his attitude to what he’d done.

alamak · 08/12/2025 04:21

I know that parents feel that their love for their children is unconditional but it has never been so in reality. Historically parents have cut their children off for even marrying outside the tribe. I have my red line. I may still love my children but if that line is crossed, I would not offer support though I may continue to love them.

Longtimegardener · 08/12/2025 06:22

I think the my bar would be pretty high to cut them off. Even if I didn’t approve of behaviours I would make it clear I didn’t approve but be supportive of moving forwards if that was possible. I can see situations it wouldn’t be possible though or that I couldn’t move on from.

It sounds a really hard thing to be dealing with - so make sure you seek support and take care of yourself

Soontobe60 · 08/12/2025 06:35

OP, there are many users on here that seem to take great delight in cutting off their mothers for the slightest of reasons. Relationships are two-way things. I don’t believe in unconditional love as such - I posted on another thread last week about this. I’m lucky, my DC are lovely and give me no reason to dislike them but I do know a couple of women whose adult sons are truly vile. Their criminal behaviours have caused the mums significant trauma, emotional abuse and financial hardship and yet their mums feel like they can’t walk away. The general consensus seems to be that mums should stick by their DCs side regardless. I can’t agree.

TheaBrandt1 · 08/12/2025 06:42

Agree with the above post. Tiger mums often of tiny children pledging allegiance whatever. Axel Ridakananas parents took this approach. Not sure I could.

If you are a reader Lionel Shriver explores a mothers perspective on this in her book “We Need To Talk About Kevin”.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 08/12/2025 07:44

Where’s his dad? What does he think?

ShodAndShadySenators · 08/12/2025 08:00

Serious crimes against children, other people, animals: I don't think I could get past that tbh. It would definitely change how I felt about him, I didn't raise him to consider such things OK. I'd feel that he wasn't the person I'd raised with such high aspirations, so cutting him off would be possible. I'm sorry for you, I'd hate to be in this position too.

Pedallleur · 08/12/2025 08:01

If he was Wayne Couzens or an abuser of children either physical or online. Something along those lines where innocents are harmed.

Anonanonanonagain · 08/12/2025 09:33

Soontobe60 · 08/12/2025 06:35

OP, there are many users on here that seem to take great delight in cutting off their mothers for the slightest of reasons. Relationships are two-way things. I don’t believe in unconditional love as such - I posted on another thread last week about this. I’m lucky, my DC are lovely and give me no reason to dislike them but I do know a couple of women whose adult sons are truly vile. Their criminal behaviours have caused the mums significant trauma, emotional abuse and financial hardship and yet their mums feel like they can’t walk away. The general consensus seems to be that mums should stick by their DCs side regardless. I can’t agree.

Delight in cutting off a mother for NO reason? Seriously give your head a wobble here. Anyone who cuts a parent off does it as a last resort not as a first one. Always a history before just cutting someone out.

OP it really would depend on what they had done and if they had a history of doing things leading up to this. I love mine more than anything and would find it exceptionally hard to cut them off but then I am not in that situation so it is hard to answer. You could never unlove your child but cutting them off for something heinous if better for both you and them going forward I assume has had to be done before. I hope whatever they have done that you yourself are ok x

SmaugTheMagnificent · 08/12/2025 09:49

If I imagine the worst, vilest crimes I can, and imagine my adult son did them... then no, at the moment (they are still young) I believe I would still love them. But that doesn't necessarily mean I would support them/engage with them/meet up with them. If they were unremorseful or a continuing threat I might never see them again, potentially. But I would still love them.

I hope you find the right help to get you through this OP.

PolaroidDroid · 08/12/2025 10:05

For my own actual DS, it would be hard, because he's autistic and particularly vulnerable. But as a general rule I'm quite clear about setting boundaries and have gone nc with other family members and that's not been an issue. There are definitely awful crimes I've read about that for me would mean cutting off. For me it would be something serious like that, something bad enough to be criminal, proven in court and resulting in a lengthy sentence, not something that was perhaps morally wrong but not seen as a crime.