Is there any reason that you would cut your young adult son off ?

[Dinofina]

It’s just that really, if you found out he had done something really terrible.He showed no remorse, I am struggling atm.

What would you do?

Op whatever your son has done, you are a person and it is not wrong or heartless to prioritise your own MH (even if for a short while) rather than playing the role of ‘loving mother’ to a grown man when he has made an unspeakable choice.

I can also recommend the book A Mother’s Reckoning (written by the mother of a school shooter in the USA). She ultimately blames herself far too much and any objective person would think this reading it; but it goes through her very complicated emotions and how she survived over the years and even found peace in life.

Yeah it really depends on the thing they did and why they did it.

If they were in deep addiction for example and they realised the severity of what they did, and were trying to get clean with help, then I think I'd have to forgive them.

If they were off the scale dangerous like Jonty Bravery or something then I think I would feel like disowning them. But I guess I would also know it was their mental disorder making them be that way.

I've really thought about it on your behalf and thinking of worst case scenarios. I am a mother of 2 adult sons.
I think my answer would be no, i couldn't cut them off.

Paedo, murder, rape etc then yes would cut off.

I have 2 adult sons and i have thought about this when threads like these pop up, for me your comments perfectly sum up how i feel , i pray i never have to face this.
Op my heart goes out to you , i hope in time you find peace .

I wouldn’t be able to cut my dc off no matter what they did. I’d still be there for them as a mother. I’d have to think carefully about logistics if there was an issue where I need to protect other family from them but I’d work it out and not let anyone down.

I don't think i could ever stop loving my son no matter what He had done even if it was a Heinious crime /s
That would mean I didn't hate what had done though
I read that Peter Sutcliffe, s father used phone him weekly after his terrible crimes were revealed.

Frankly it would have been easier if my younger dc had died. I could grieve openly. Instead he is boxed away. I allow 1 day a year - his birthday - to mourn the loss of our relationship
. Of course I still love him.
He won't know that of course. I was unable to ever contact him after his arrest.
Been 15 years now.

Is your son in prison?💐. I see now that a perfect storm of factors influence outcomes. I don't believe this is your fault one bit.

I was abused, sexually in childhood and then later emotionally, all my life. I don't hurt people. I do everything I can to not hurt people. It is not always nurture that causes these outcomes ❤️.

Interesting that you have misinterpreted my use of the word ‘slightest’ to mean ‘no’.
Maybe give YOUR head a wobble!

Your original post is very triggering for adults who have suffered endless emotional abuse. That's the reason for the reply. Even though I know your intention probably wasn't to be cruel.

Experiences are significantly downplayed and minimised. Especially if parents are covert narcissists who have abused their children emotionally yet seem wonderful to the outside.
It is a very agonizing experience to have no choice but NC.
On the outside, it looks petty.
On the receiving end, it's usually psychological warfare that people have been brainwashed to accept.

I've seen adult children cut off parents where it might be questionable. Most the time, there will be years of torment and soul searching and it is not what people want. They end up having no choice in order to escape a lifetime of emotional abuse. I never ever see silly petty posts ever where that was the reason for NC. Never.

If it was something criminal and unforgivable (crimes against women/children/purposely causing death) then I would want to know I had done everything I could to ensure justice was done - including reporting to the police and being a prosecution witness if it came to that.
Would I cut them post conviction? I’m not sure, I think I would want to understand how they got to that point, rightly or wrongly

Equally your post is probably triggering to abused mothers.

Some of the threads on here are horrifying. Battered mothers endlessly serving their evil offspring who treat them like dirt, ‘but I can’t abandon them’.

Many killers shoot/kill their long suffering mothers first before their ‘main’ spree.

And yes I’m NC with my mother for reasons you gave but I absolutely appreciate it can happen in the reverse and often does.

Yes, if he’d done something morally unforgivable. Especially if he had no regrets about that. There’s only so far you can parent someone, and one so far you can stand by anyone who can do that without regret.

I would really hope not but I wouldn’t ever say no. I hope you are OK.

No my post is not going to be triggering for abused mums.

Because I believe wholeheartedly that offsprings do often abuse their mothers.
I believe and know this very well.
I know society almost forces a belief that mothers should take anything. I don't think they should. I think accountability and not covering up and not enabling is important. It just feels wrong because we are taught as women to take everything. And then we get blamed.

I see all sides.

The fact OP is on here writing this post - it already tells me she is very different to the type of parent I had to go almost NC with.

Read my posts in reply to OP. She has my full support and empathy.

Your not a failure.
Hes an independent person who has made his own choices in life.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I think I would, if my son had done something heinous such as child abuse for example.
I don't think anything would ever stop me loving the child I gave birth to but I think there are things that would make me hate the man he became and decide that he could not be in my life.

It’s happened to me. After 10 years of his abuse towards me I had to walk away from the relationship. I don’t know what your son did, only you can decide if it’s bad enough 🤔. Sorry you’re going through this.

I have , for now, gone NC with a child. They have done and said some pretty horrible things. I may change my mind at some point , but it was sending me to a breakdown.

Sorry but you'd never cut him off even if he raped a child? You could honestly still want to look at him knowing he'd done something that heinous?

Honesty I'd think there was something seriously, seriously wrong with him if he did that and I'd want to keep my eye closely on him. Offenders who do this type of crime also are more likely to reoffend if they don't have a support network around them to monitor them and hold them accountable and productively occupied. I think it would tear me apart inside at the same time because of what a horrific crime that is.

Wow, you're a better person than I am then because I'd walk away and never look back. I love my son so much but some things are just too wrong to ever let go

I could never cut off a child of mine no matter what they did. To continue to be there for someone doesn’t mean you endorse or support their actions. I believe in forgiveness and redemption.