Is there any reason that you would cut your young adult son off ?

[Dinofina]

It’s just that really, if you found out he had done something really terrible.He showed no remorse, I am struggling atm.

What would you do?

I think I would try every other option available. In my experience most issues need psychotherapy to unpick and if there is a need for medication for something like schizophrenia that should be addressed. People don't act badly repeatedly for no reason, so figuring the cause is key. Are they doing drugs at the gym or pub that are making them paranoid and jealous or violent? Get them help for that. Stop giving money.

I hope there is. I really hope there is a line that if my child crossed it I would cut them off. I don't know though. Until it happens you can never know, and I hope never to know.

It’s hard to imagine abandoning my child fully. Sexual assault would be a hard one for me to work with and would seriously impact the relationship. I hope I’d still be able to love my child whilst holding them accountable and seriously condemning what they have done. But it’s all words until you’re in the situation, I really don’t know. I’m sorry for whatever has happened op.

We all raise our children hoping they will be content, confident and ultimately a responsible member of society. Unfortunately, we can’t always control who or what influences them. If my DC did something and then showed no remorse whatsoever I don’t know how I would feel and react.

@DinofinaThis sounds recent and must be so raw. Give yourself time to process, seek professional help if you need to, but most of all be kind to yourself. Few of us have the tools to process something like this, so whatever you are feeling in the moment is ok.

If he did something very harmful and feels no remorse, then he is a dangerous man and your instinct should be to distance yourself.

No. I wouldn't cut him off. I would need to stay in very close communication and make him trust he has someone to confide in, so that I could at least try to get him to see that it was wrong, to access his own guilt and remorse and then help him try to make amends if he can, and to change his behaviour so that the rest of his life looks more promising.

I think a parent cutting off a young adult who has done something terrible might just dig them deeper into a hole where they shut down and don't care, and that could become a pattern for life. The human brain doesn't fully mature until late twenties. People do such stupid things in their twenties, and their capacity for understanding how it impacts on others can be very low or nil for a while. They still need a lot of (maybe tough) guidance and support.

I think it is possible to be extremely critical of an action while still showing that you love the person and have faith they can be better, even if right now, they are not showing potential for change.

This is a fair point. If he actually appears to be psychopathic, I might distance myself from him. But you would have had indications of that earlier.

So sorry you find yourself in this position OP.

I have not been in your shoes but often feel for the women (snd men) put in this position when I see certain crimes. You are one of the innocent victims too.

However repulsed and revolted I was about the deed he committed I am not sure that I could ever lose unconditional compassion for a child of mine.

Maybe if I felt they had cut ME off, gone beyond the reach of our values, become a different person. E.g if they had joined a violent terrorist cult of any description and been out of reach for many years. The. I would have a sadness of loss.

But managing compassion for my child and horror at their act would feel like a life sentence, I think.

I hope you find support and a way to reconcile your own feelings. There is no right or wrong for his you feel, but obviously how you act, has to be ‘right’. As in the decision of the pp whose mother cut her brother off.

Thinking of you.

Cut off completely - no I don’t think I would or could. But the relationship would be different and I might have to put huge boundaries in, eg to protect other people. I think I would stay in touch though.

My adult son blamed me for his dad being violent and abusive towards me. As well as saying he doesn't believe me. He looked down his nose at me when i was having treatment for PTSD, and also when I was put on the waiting list with autism and adhd 2 years ago. He started to treat me the same way his dad did. I did everything for him and adored the bones of him.

He actually cut me off. So.

I'm heartbroken and miss him terribly, in spite of it.

If I ever found he hurt a woman though, I'd not hesitate in cutting him off. That is unforgivable. Having been there myself.

If he was psychotic and had hurt himself or someone else I would be getting him help, even if the consequences meant prison. That might well be the safest place for him.

My grandparents cut my father off when he was so abusive to me that there was iron burns involved.

Talking about it when I was an adult my Nana said it broke her heart because she'd never have cut off the child he was, or even the younger man he was. He was her baby, the one she saw take his first step, taught to ride a bike, celebrated exams results with etc.

However, the nasty vile man he'd become (partly due to drugs, but mostly his own attitude) was someone she had to walk away from. For her own sake, and mostly for my sake. She had to keep us both safe.

No, there is nothing my son could do that would make me cut him off entirely.

Depending on what is was the relationship would change though.

I think any crime that destroys someone else’s life deliberately would make me struggle to forgive - rape/paedo - cut off , murder (unless self-defence) would be cut off.

I had no option but to cut off my 15 yo for sexual abuse against his sibling.
I also haven't seen my adult ds for several years after he turned up Christmas day after I presume a drug fuelled Christmas eve and physically assaulted his small sibling.
Sad but no regrets..
And yes I know both incidents must have been down to my parenting somehow..

Not your fault!

I was going to ask OP - is there a pattern of different behavior? Behavior that gives or gave you an idea that there was an empathy or accountability problem?

I know this is not an Autistic thing. I have a child who is ND and there are additional things I see that make me uncomfortable. It's regarding remorse and empathy for others that have been hurt or harmed. I know there can be different expressions of empathy in some people who are ND. This could be relevant OP in terms of if they themselves are vulnerable in this situation that has occurred.

The decision to cut off depends on the level of harm to you. Do you fear for your well being through ongoing contact?

I think your instinct as a parent is to try and find the best in your child no matter what.

In reality if my son was a murderer or sexual abuser, violent to his partner I’d find that very disturbing and difficult. I think there is a point where letting go is the morally correct response.

You would mourn the young child you knew though.

What an awful situation. I feel great sympathy for you.

I think I might feel that I hadn’t really known him and the person I loved in the past didn’t really exist, because that person would never have done such a thing. At the same time I would probably feel guilty that his father and I had done something wrong in his upbringing, though logically I know that is ridiculous and I am not for a moment suggesting any blame attaches to you.

I don’t think I could cut him off for ever. I would want to keep lines of communication open in case life events or just increased maturity led him to realise the gravity of what he had done, show remorse and want forgiveness. (I’m not talking about religious forgiveness.)

I can’t imagine doing so but the idea of being deeply shamed or hurt or shocked by their behaviour without remorse or insight then maybe.

If it were something I thought was cruel or morally wrong it might make the difference. Something illegal would depend very much on the why and the other side of the story to.

I’m sorry you’re in this horrible position.

I honestly don't think I could. If he had done something heinous , I would hate the deed but not sure I could hate my son

Sexual crimes, being a paedophile, abusing an animal. Those things I would not forgive and I would cut them off. Not much else. Its my job to raise them into decent men and install a moral compass.

You really are a lovely lot of women, I am reading every post and you have no idea how much you are all helping. Thank you for taking time out of day ( and night) to offer advice. Xx

Only if he did something truly evil, eg murder (not self defence/bar fight gone wrong type thing) or unspeakable crimes against children.

I love my children with every fibre of my being but I think the modern expectation that parents should be relentlessly, unquestioningly and unqualifyingly ‘giving’ is massively damaging to both parents and children of all ages.

I think if it got to the point where it was physically too unsafe for me to be in communication with him I'd eventually cut him off, like if he was trying to kill me and not remorseful. I'm a lone parent and he's my only child so there's no issue with having to safeguard siblings which would be very different.

I think even if he sexually assaulted someone or murdered someone or similar I'd feel a sense of responsibility for him (rightly or wrongly given that as an adult they're responsible for themselves ultimately) and I'd want to be doing all I could to try and intervene on whatever dark path he was on but it would be extremely difficult. Especially if he had no remorse. I think I'd want to do all I could to try and reconnect him with his own humanity and build empathy for those around him and whoever he hurt. Obviously we usually try to do that when they're children and I think, being very honest, I'd feel like I'd missed a ball somewhere and needed to 'fix' it (not at all saying that you have in any way dropped a ball - sometimes you can be as close to perfect as possible and other influences unfortunately take over which you cannot control, I think it's just misplaced guilt would probably keep me connected to it all maybe. )

Are you safe? Has he hurt you in any way? I know I'm saying what I'd be inclined to do but utimately op if he's an adult you don't owe him anything. So asking others what they'd do doesn't make what you are doing/ want/ need to do wrong or right. You have to do what feels right and safe for YOU and any other kids you might have.