Is there any reason that you would cut your young adult son off ?

[Dinofina]

It’s just that really, if you found out he had done something really terrible.He showed no remorse, I am struggling atm.

What would you do?

No mother should ever have to feel the pain you are in, and I hope one day you will find peace.
Please be kind to yourself x

Yes, I wish this was not the case, but I had to make that choice. I had to protect my daughter from him. I won’t give the exact details, but it came down to him or her and she was the victim. I had to say he could no longer live with us. It was 5 years ago now and still feels so raw now. Still can’t really believe this is my actual life.

Thank you for sharing your experience @stormsurfer , it’s not easy to do. Sending lots of love to you and your daughter, she is lucky to have you. Xx

@Dinofina I hope you are gaining strength from this thread. It can feel such a lonely place to be. There is such a strong opinion that a mother’s love should be non negotiable. But real life is not as simple as that.

Hope you’re doing ok @Dinofina

You’re not a failure - he’s an adult using his own free will and choosing his own actions and behaviours. Maybe somethings didn’t go well as he was being raised/growing up, so you’re blaming yourself or feeling responsible somehow, BUT many people have experiences like this and don’t do awful things as an adult.

You are not a failure, you didn’t cause this and it’s ok to not support him.

You can love your adult son, and miss the younger person he was, and perhaps even grieve the future he might not have now, but it’s ok to not like him, not support him and not condone what he has done.

rape
murder
peodophillia

You can step back from your son for a while and take care of yourself without having to decide how things will be in the future. So sorry.

This makes perfect sense. Clear boundaries in your mind regarding contact is a good start.

For example, I will text them once a week or maybe telephone once a week ( so you don't get texts all the time). You could say calls only and you aren't on text for time being.

If that's too much, make it less. Then review how you feel as time goes on.

I don’t know about this. If he did something that was so bad that I would consider cutting him off I’d actually think he’d lost his mind and needed help so maybe I’d find him some psychiatric help

If animals or children were involved then I’d have a very hard time with the relationship, as well as SA or violence towards a woman.
I do think I’d never cut him off like any of my children but I’ve not been in the position so I can’t say and couldn’t judge.

I have a relative who behaves appallingly. It is everyone else's fault. Any challenge and as I learned, you will pay for even suggesting that behavior was wrong. Women emotionally abused and physically threatened.

This person has an excellent job, high profile, has a mother who covers endlessly, enables and punishes her daughter for questioning this siblings appalling behavior.

So, this is not as simple as dragging to a psychiatrist. Many people, many men behave in ways suggestive of anti social personalities. They're never going to a psych or counselor ever. APD, like narcissistic or sociopath isn't going to be categorised as mental illness I believe.

Many people operate at this level and hide it. You will know a few and won't realise it. We all will.

Sexual assault and especially in the family, cut off done...there would have to be a huge remorse, huge turnaround but never would person be trusted again..happened one of my cousins was kicked out to protect the rest.

Cutting my son off isn’t something I can imagine doing but I’ve never been put in that position.
I remember reading that the mum of The Lost Prophets singer Ian Watkins still wrote letters and visited him in prison.
I can’t imagine a worse crime than the one he committed but I don’t judge his mum, it must be horrific.

@dinofina how are things now? Have you managed to process a wee bit?

Drugs and living life on benefits despite being perfectly capable of working were enough for me with one of my children. They’re fine - have a council flat and more disposable income than my other kids who do work and pay rent. Just the constant lies did for me in the end despite years and years of trying.

It must be so hard to be the parent in this situation. My mum coped with it by taking his side, giving me a good slap and calling me a fucking liar. I am sad my mum did not have the strength of your DM @Missey85

Hugs for you@Dinofina

Richard Huckle's parents called the police when he admitted to them that he had sexually abused children. Whether they had contact with him ever again I do not know. I am not sure whether I could ever again have contact with a son of mine who had done something so appalling and I remember at the time of the reporting feeling incredibly sorry for those parents and also admiring their actions very much.

Yes I have had my mum's friends make digs and comments because I am low contact. I don't feel the need to explain my side of the story, so they only hear hers. I'm sure it seems all my fault cos I'm a big meany for no good reason 🙄

@stormsurfer you had such strength to make this choice that my mum could not. As an adult, I understand that she simply could not mentally cope with it and just wanted it to all go away, but as a child it was absolutely devastating.

@MsWilmottsGhost thank you. Yes I am still devastated it came to that, but I know I made the right decision. My daughter has been very resilient and after years of therapy, she is starting to thrive. I have no idea about my son.

I wanted to add that for anyone going through abuse in their family- not only from a male partner, but also from their children - women’s Aid were a huge support to me. They offer counselling to children as well as to the women involved.