Are you friendly with neighbours, by friendly I mean socialise ?

[teletubs]

We’ve never been ones to go round the neighbours houses and be friends in that way, we’ve always chatted etc our the front and helped each other out when needed but that’s as far as it goes really.

We’ve just moved into our new house, the neighbours seem really nice, they got us a moving in gift (some wine and chocolates) which I thought was really nice of them. But now they’ve text asking us to go around for a drink over Christmas and I’m panicking 😆 I am autistic and just can’t cope with the thought of having people in my house, I like my own company, I get really anxious having to mask and just hate when I’m interacting with people having to be so self aware of myself. I can be outgoing and chatty, but it takes work on my part and I feel exhausted afterwards.

I really don’t want to start off a thing where if we accept the invitation then we would be expected to then have them round ours etc and on it goes.

AIBU?

Not all of them but we are very close with the neighbour across the street and socialise with our next door neighbour. We all help each other out and look out for each other.

But if you never try things how do you know. There are things I think I'd be uncomfortable with that actually turn out ok, better than ok.

What was she supposed to do, just shove the gift back at them and shut the door? 🙄

I see lots of people on a regular basis, doesn’t mean I want to have drinks at their house or give them a key to mine.

I happily take in parcels of all my neighbours FWIW and they do the same for us but that’s as far as it goes.

But I assume you’re not autistic - OP is and knows what her boundaries are in terms of socialising.

I chat to mine if I see them and we help each other out with bins etc but that’s as far as it goes

No - the joys of living in London.

Oddly among all my London friends the one who's most friendly with her neighbours is autistic.

OP, you are probably overthinking this - a casual drinks invite shouldn't lead to panic! I don't think you're obligated to invite them into your house in response. If you don't want to go round then make up an excuse. Get them some nice wine or chocs or something. Being on friendly terms with your neighbours is a good, casual thing, it doesn't mean you're going to be in each other's pockets all the time from now on.

Mostly we are on a chat if we meet them in the street level.

I've been round to neighbour's for drinks before now and it hasn't turned into a big thing. Equally had neighbour's in for a drink and again it's not been a regular thing.

My in laws have their neighbour's round for drinks and dinner occassionaly.

It's nice - it doesn't mean you have to recipricate and we find it handy to have someone to keep an eye on the place when we are away, feed the cat etc etc.

REmember you are on mumsnet where it's seen as perfectly OK to not answer the door without a prior appointment and to say 'no, I don't fancy that' to an invitation.

Mostly people do do a bit of socialising as that's just the way the world works and would pop round, have a drink, pick up a bit of gossip about who else is in the street and then go home with a warm glow.

Seems it’s a bit of a mixed bag, thank you all for the replies.
Unfortunately with my autism, I do really struggle socially, i have adapted as I’m now 36 and have had too, but I force myself to make small talk, it’s not something I enjoy doing, even with my own friends (who we haven’t seen for ages due to life etc) I can still struggle.

The neighbours seem kind, and that’s great, but I don’t want a friendship with them. I probably am over thinking (I tend to do that) I just feel by accepting the invitation that will give the impression we want it to become a regular thing. My dh is the same as me 😆 he feels awkward too but I think he would go if I said we should.

Also to the poster who said I was happy to accept the gift, I think it would have been a bit rude if I said no thanks wouldn’t it 😆

We moved last year and are not friendly with our neighbours. In our old house the whole street( about 12 houses) was very friendly and socialized a lot

We do occasionally, maybe a BBQ or xmas drinks or even a pub visit. Everyone gets on well and would help out and we feed eachothers cats, let dogs out etc but we aren't in eachothers pockets

I can understand ( having an adult son with ASD) that this will be playing on your mind now and you won’t be able to relax until it’s over or quashed .. and it will be dominating your waking thoughts. Chances are it won’t come to anything but take the pressure of yourself by maybe penning a text to say sounds lovely thanks but lots of comings and goings with family over the festive period, you know what it’s like etc then stick a card through 🤗

No we don’t. Everyone is just so busy. I will say hi if I see anyone but that’s as far as it goes.

No, that would be my idea of hell.

I agree that if you start it, then it will become an expectation/pattern of behaviour.

It could go 3 ways - 1. They think it was great abd you hate every minute of it, but they keep trying to make further arrangements with you. 2. It’s awkward because you don’t know each other none of you gel, and then you end up avoiding each other or thinking each other is weird. 3. You all get on and they become new friends. I’m really not a social person so it wouldn’t be worth the risk for me!

The problem with having a close relationship with neighbours is if that relationship breaks down then you are stuck with them unless you want to move. And some people can turn out to be completely nuts when things go wrong and start vendettas or bascially round up the whole street against you.

I think it is best to be friendly and helpful where possible but keep them at arms length.

I wouldn't say drinks once a year or invited to a BBQ where there are others is being particularly friendly or getting into a friendship relationship, but I wouldn't want to be in someones house once a month.

Yes, but our kids are the same age and we have a lot in common. Don’t talk much to our other neighbours as they’re a lot older

Oh gawd, same here. Downsized recently. Both sets talking about drinks, etc., just not interested. One in particular, lives alone, 10 years older than us, pretty pushy.
I feel many colds coming on

My neighbours either side are great, but honestly we all keep a bit of distance and maintain our privacy in general. They are neighbours not friends and have different lives and timetables. One of them has a husband who will fix things for me, the other side have my spare keys. I know they will be there in an emergency and I will be for them too. It works well for all.

If I got an invite to a gathering in any of their houses I think I'd just pop in for about 15 minutes to show my face and leg it. I don't want to get involved in their family's lives etc. But since we are very surface friendly I'd make the effort for a short while and bring some little gifts for their kids etc.

OP do whatever makes you comfortable. If you don't go try to maintain friendly relations and maybe pop a card in with a box of chocs or something, Start off on the right foot!

Not with actual neighbours, those are more chat outside, do each other favours etc but we do have friends round and go to their houses regularly, that is very normal and enjoyable for us. However I do understand that some people prefer not to and wouldn't be offended if you declined, maybe this time just say too busy, but if they persist you might need to explain about the overwhelm. But take it as a compliment that they have invited you, even if you don't want to get involved it is good to get on with your neighbours.

I used to with one couple but it can of stopped during COVID and we never really restarted it. We do run into each other in a local bar the odd time and may have a drink together then.

Not quite true, plus she may well have tried in the past.

We made the mistake of getting friendly with our NDNs and having them round for dinner and vice versa, going out for drinks etc. The husband has since shown himself to be a petty, entitled, gaslighting, narcissistic bully and we have nothing to do with them. It's as awkward as hell at the moment but thankfully they are now moving. So no, don't feel remotely bad about keeping your distance. I wish we had!

Yes, it’s friendly round here.

Going round for Christmas drinks isn’t setting a precedent that you have to be in their kitchen every week.

Could you pluck up the courage to go round for half an hour, say hello, but with an excuse that you have to dash because you’re on your way somewhere?

It’s good to be on friendly terms with neighbours. It doesn’t mean you have to be new best friends.

Yes, we do, sporadically. We live in a large apartment building in inner London. We have a few people we catch up with for drinks or dinner now and again, either at home or out locally. Sometimes we might have a ‘gathering’ so we can introduce a few like minded people. A lot of our neighbours are younger than us (we are 50s) but there is also a small OAP crowd who are very sociable - the 80 year olds next door have great drinks parties, always with an interesting mix of people of all ages/nationalities. We’ve had lots of good neighbours over the years - some are just transient friendships whilst they live here, but we’ve made some long term friends too.

I like it here. I grew up in a small village where everyone knows everyone and all of your business. This building is like a village in many ways, but being London, people do give you space and are not too intrusive!

when I moved into my ‘new house’ I made the mistake of interacting with the neighbour. Everything was fine to begin with- lots of friendly chats, drinks in the pub, we’d both help each other out or so I thought…Until I couldn’t help her and then it went downhill- she expected everything from everyone, and wanted them to go out of their way for her- take her shopping, pick her daughter up from work, bend over backwards. Once I realised it was completely one sided, and I was bad mouthed for ‘not helping’ queue the silence from me. I was always polite if I saw them but I wouldn’t make myself accessible. Yes it’s made things awkward but lesson learnt and from now on only pleasantries while getting out of the car for anyone