Are you friendly with neighbours, by friendly I mean socialise ?

[teletubs]

We’ve never been ones to go round the neighbours houses and be friends in that way, we’ve always chatted etc our the front and helped each other out when needed but that’s as far as it goes really.

We’ve just moved into our new house, the neighbours seem really nice, they got us a moving in gift (some wine and chocolates) which I thought was really nice of them. But now they’ve text asking us to go around for a drink over Christmas and I’m panicking 😆 I am autistic and just can’t cope with the thought of having people in my house, I like my own company, I get really anxious having to mask and just hate when I’m interacting with people having to be so self aware of myself. I can be outgoing and chatty, but it takes work on my part and I feel exhausted afterwards.

I really don’t want to start off a thing where if we accept the invitation then we would be expected to then have them round ours etc and on it goes.

AIBU?

Yes. But we aren’t in uk. So everyone just wanders through others gardens as shortcuts, and pops in and out.

It’s nice. They hide Ds Easter chocolate in our garden overnight, or will drop of st Nickolas gifts at door secretly. Ds gets ice lollies and invites to pick fruit in summer , we have neighbourhood fire pit and muelled wine in winter, bbqs in summer. If you go for a short 5 min walk it’s often an hour in summer chatting to people in gardens ( no one has a high fence, or any fence often).

If anyone needs a hand with moving furniture or cutting something in garden etc then we just knock and borrow tools or a helping hand. There’s around 15 houses on ‘block’ so a mixture of who you see, ages, kids.

Our new neighbours, 40 odd years ago, had 2 DC whilst we didn’t so they asked us round theirs for drinks at first, then played games and cards. We did become close friends, but we all worked, so would probably go round once a month.

Unfortunately the DH started having an affair and put us in a really difficult situation, the wife would wait for me to come home from work so I could chat with her, I was only in my early 20’s so couldn’t give a lot of advice, but listened. The DH also did the same with my partner. We didn’t want to take sides, but it was obvious they wanted us to, so we kept ourselves out of it.

Since then, any new neighbours, we are friendly, but don’t invite them round, DH has helped them in plumbing emergencies, and we do have each others spare keys, but that’s it.

Did being horrible to the OP make you feel any better?

Don't be a twat

Yes, definitely friendly with the neighbours.
We're all of a similar age though, and all live in apartments in different parts of a big old manor house.
It's nice to know there are always people around, we often talk when we see each other outside, sometimes sit out in groups in the summer in the grounds.
I have had a few of them in for coffee, a couple of them knock on the door regularly but mostly it's chatting as we see each other. Not socialising at Christmas.
It's really helpful to have people who will take in parcels though, and any one of them would help out if I was ever ill or had an accident/fall or whatever. It makes for a nice community.

I chat to some of mine if we meet each other on the way along the road or are doing our gardens at the same time, etc, but no, we do not socialise in the way you describe. I'd hate that. Just politely decline, with a small token gift, as pp have suggested.

I think @teletubs probably knows herself better than you.

Yes, we love our neighbours! They are really nice people, our part of the street does tend to meet up for Christmas drinks and pub lunches. It’s lovely.

Oh gosh, no! My being friendly means saying hello and taking parcels in, that’s about it. That thread just reminded me that I haven’t joined local WhatsApp group yet.
The drink invite would completely scare me and I’m not autistic. I do like to have boundaries with neighbours. The thing is that if you are at their party you can’t complain about its noise afterwards.

By the way I wouldn’t tell them that you are autistic, no way. I would accept and go for a bit or refuse and cite busyness as a reason.

No, but I would love to be.

We live in a the sort of area where no one ever leaves. So they have all their family, friends from childhood around them. So I don’t think they see the need for anymore friends.

It even extends to things like playdates
for children. Every other place I’ve lived, people have wanted their children to meet up, wanted to arrange play dates. It’s not a thing here as again, they have the children of the friends they went to school with, cousins, there’s no need for anyone else.

Loads of the parents in my DDs school all went there together, their children now go there and are friends.

I host parties and invite neighbors, school parents and only one or two come.

We have lived here 5 years but we are lot total outsiders, dh is originally from here, his nan used to own the house across the road! But still, no one seems to need new connections.

Again, I’m having a Christmas party and Christmas drinks. I will invite lots of people, all the neighbors the children and parents my DDs know. Again, people will say thanks for the invite, and then never mention it again.

I am incredibly lonely.

You say “we’ve” moved into a house, is there another adult who could pop in and ‘represent you’?

I can’t see the problem it’s a Christmas drink, they sound quite nice actually.

Yes, I'm on friendly terms with a few of my neighbours, only one I would consider an actual friend whom I meet up with for coffees/walks, but others I could definitely call on for help if I needed to. But we've been neighbours for 14 years and our friendship happened organically over a long period of time.
Community is important, especially as you get older, or in my case if you're a lone parent. I feel lucky to have great neighbours.

The problem is she doesn’t want to have a drink with random strangers.

Yes we do. And happily. We've lived here nearly 25 years and are still the newbies in our group!

One neighbour is getting married in the spring and we've all been invited to the whole shebang involving two nights away which will be epic 👰‍♀ (although it could be a problem as all the cat feeders will be away at the same time 😄)

No.

No, we wave and say good morning, take in parcels, keep an eye on each other's houses when on holiday that type of thing, but socialise? No...

We are very good friends with neighbours either side and two more directly across the road. We always go to weddings, christenings etc and see each other socially. We have keys for three of their houses and water each others gardens when they are on holiday. I know this is unusual but it just seems to have happened over the years. If we moved we would miss them all terribly.

Woman next door was a very good friend for a decade but she ended up relocating when she divorced, Used to go out quite a bit and she used to invite me in for tea often and our kids played together. Also socialise quite a bit with a woman 2 doors down but she is caring for her dying Mum so we just message currently. Have had the occasional tea in others houses plus they have been here but those 2 are actually proper friends.

I think what @NellieJeansays is right. These things happen over years of living somewhere and with small ordinary things like saying ‘just to let you know, we are going away next week’.

We have lived in the same Cul-De-Sac for 30 years and are just on friendly polite chit chat and waving terms with our neighbours.

Our friends moved to a new build a year or so ago and all the neighbours socialise all the time (Summer BBQ's, Christmas get togethers etc). I have ADHD and Autism and that would be my idea of hell. As others have said, my home is my sanctuary, it is one of the only places I can be myself and too friendly neighbours is not my idea of fun.

What People she was happy to take a moving in “welcome to the neighbourhood” gift from?

Who you might see on a regular basis?

And I didn’t suggest she goes, I asked if another adult was in the house who could represent the household.

Having a neighbour or two who you can have a drink with isn’t such a bad thing. We have a couple of households who we talk to and see socially.

They have a spare key for ours in case teens come back unexpectedly or something needs addressing when we are away, I look after their kids for an hour or so if they both need/want to be somewhere for the other child. Take in deliveries, water plants, borrow eggs if you run out. And just generally chat.

But yes by all means turn down the invitation. They will most likely get the message and stop asking. Then everyone can be happier.

No, I am autistic too and have never been friendly with neighbours anywhere I've lived. At most I've put Christmas cards through their door, (at a past address, I don't bother with that any more) and I'm polite when taking in parcels. I also wouldn't want to have the neighbours in our home and I'd decline an invite to avoid having to reciprocate. I wouldn't tell them I'm autistic though. I like to keep my boundaries clear and wouldn't want the obligation of helping out neighbours, so I'm quite content with living in a less community-minded area as it allows me to focus on myself and my own needs.

We live in a cul de sac of about 10/12 houses , we are all detached and have lived here 12 years . I used to speak to the person next door but not socialise but she was elderly and moved to downsize . Younger family moved in , we've said hello , spoke about the garden but that's it.
Next to them thinks she is queen of the area , likes to poke her nose into things and they can be a bit copy cat if someone gets something a few weeks later , they do .
Next to them , they keep to themselves . Rest we don't know .

But this doesn’t sound “too friendly” it sounds like an open house, invite the neighbours for a Christmas tipple, but if small talk “all moved in yet?”
And could be the start of the basis of a nice neighbour relationship.

People complain about being alone, having no one close by to help out or just have a chat with from time to time. And then you get a neighbour inviting over for a Christmas drink, the bastards!

We've recently moved too and have already had an invite for a drink last week. The lady is nice enough but when we were viewing the house she initiated chatting and started moaning about the neighbours attached to us. That's more than enough of a red flag for me to avoid getting friendly. Luckily it's remote and quiet here and it's easy for me to be friendly at a distance. I dont want any drama, I just want a peaceful life. X