Y7 dd struggling with school (Autism)

[Leafywool]

I’ve posted here as I couldn’t really work out where this would fit, and where I’d get a decent response. If anyone can signpost me to the right section I’ll ask MN to move it.

Dd is almost 12 and started secondary this year. She was diagnosed with autism in 2024, at the end of Y5. I don’t like to use the term high functioning because if you know her really well you will see she isn’t functioning very well at all, but to the outside world I think most people would have no idea she is autistic. She is very bright and academic - no problem with the actual work being set at school. She does not have an EHCP.

She is not in school at the moment. She was seemingly doing very well at the start of year 7 but after a few weeks the wheels have fallen off completely. Her attendance % is low and she’s missed lots of days. She is struggling with the general environment of school as it’s all too much for her. I’ve been in contact with school and they have been great, and we are trying different things to see if it helps, but nothing seems to be. I’ll add a list of what’s happened so far:

She has a pass to leave lessons early to avoid busy corridors between classes
’Time out’ pass so she can have a break from lesson any time
Pass to use the toilet any time
Pass to go into the library any time
Loop ear buds to reduce noise
All teachers are aware of her diagnosis and needs
We drive her in every morning so she gets dropped off right outside the door
Permission to arrive late and go through main reception instead of student arrival door - trusted member of staff meets here there and takes her straight to first class so she doesn’t have to go to form
She’s been shown where the ‘Y7 team’ office is and she’s been told she can go there any time to speak to someone
She’s been shown where the SENDCO office is and is also able to go there any time if she wants support
She’s been added into a weekly group for neurodiverse children who need extra support and they do activities to help understand emotions etc.

Despite all of this, she is still struggling a lot. She’s extremely anxious, constantly having meltdowns at home. She’s not sleeping well and it’s taking hours to get her to bed. She says she feels sad all the time and her mental health is not good. I physically cannot get her in to school most days.

We talk about it a lot and she tells me she WANTS to be in school, she enjoys the work and wants to engage in it. But it’s the environment which means she just can’t. She is very anxious as she’s missed a lot and now feels like she’s going to be behind with her work, but I told her that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. There’s no way we would be able to pay for her to go to a smaller independent or anything like that.

I’ve done a lot of research about autism and school anxiety and I’ve read that the worst thing you can do is force it. A ‘tough love’ approach has never worked with her and I’m reluctant to try it now, as I feel like it would make things 100x worse. We have a great relationship and she trusts me completely and I don’t want to do anything to damage that. I’m worried about burnout too.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I need to write another email to school and tell them again how she’s still struggling but what else can we do? I’ve been researching EHCP as I think this is our next step. It’s very overwhelming but I’ve been looking at the SENDIASS website and have found a resource which tells us what we need to do. In our local authority we can’t apply until she’s done two full terms at school so we can evidence what school have tried to do to support her, so that wouldn’t be until Easter.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel so stressed and don’t know where to turn or what to do. She is so unhappy and I am very worried about doing the wrong thing and unintentionally making things worse for her. I’m constantly questioning if I’m doing the right thing.

You need to ring the LA and put in for ECHP, don’t hang about the process is long and there could be a chance your shot down for one and need to appeal which takes even longer.
Can she try a reduced timetable?

None of my dc have managed to cope with secondary school we’ve had to home educate. I don’t know what it is about the set up but they all crumbled within days of starting and had coped ok at primary so it’s been a shock each time (they all have ASD)

@ComfortFoodCafe the document I read said I couldn’t apply until child has completed 2 full terms or ‘cycles’ at school. I know where I am (Bradford) a very high percentage are refused and then you have to go to appeal. It is such a backwards system 🙁

Have you broached the possibility of DD having a reduced timetable for a while?

Maybe building up slowly would help?

@Ideasforxmas She was up and down in primary. Y5 wasn’t great but then in Y6 she had an incredible supportive teacher and she thrived. But yes secondary has just been awful for her so far. I wouldn’t even know how to begin with home education. She is much brighter than me, and I know she wouldn’t entertain going to any groups or anything like that. She’s very much the type of kid who could easily fall into the habit of never ever leaving the house which is another reason why I’m worried about not getting her into school. I’m sorry you’ve had similar problems too.

@ThankGodItsAutumn I’ve only had a very brief conversation about it, and they said that once you start taking away it’s really hard to start adding to the timetable again, which I do understand. But obviously I will push for it if I need to.

Another layer is that dd hates being ‘othered’ and doesn’t want to be different to anyone. She hates being questioned why she has these passes etc already so the idea of only doing half a day for example, is awful to her. This is what I’m struggling with so much - she is very self aware and knows she functions differently but then doesn’t want to be seen as different to her peers. I just feel so sad for her.

You don't have to complete two cycles - that is incorrect information (although often pedalled by Local Authorities). Second the advice to apply for an EHCNA now. IPSEA have lots of advice on their website.
My DS also struggled badly when he moved to Secondary School and his mental health spiralled, very quickly and very severely. We had to move him to a different school - but we needed the EHCP to support that. When he did move, he was a different child - it was life changing for him.

In our local authority we can’t apply until she’s done two full terms at school

This is not true. Such local ‘policies’ are unlawful. You do not need to wait. The only lawful tests for an EHCNA are a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP. Any other test such as 2 APDR cycles, spending £6k, being behind academically… is unlawful.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

Alongside requesting an EHCNA, request alternative provision if it isn’t already in place.

They can prefer the two cycles all they want, but that’s not what the law says and it won’t prevent it. I’m partway through the EHCP process myself - a lot get batted back initially but then get accepted once you file legal paperwork for tribunal. I’m glad I did it and am kicking myself for not doing it sooner, it just felt super overwhelming at the start.

As a secondary teacher, could you get them to point her in the direction of clubs where she might meet nice similar Year 7’s? It’s a turbulent time for friendships and ASD girls really find it a bit tough. From experience they often find it easier when the friendship group chopping and changing has settled, and they’ve found a nice calm tribe!

Place marking

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share you need an EHCP OP. IPSEA have all the info you need to request a needs assessment on their site.

It is very common for this to happen with autistic girls moving from year 6 to year 7. The primary has let you down.

The library is often where sympathetic people can be found.

Bless her that does sound really tricky.

Has she had any counselling around coming to terms with her diagnosis?

I know having it confirmed has been a struggle for a few of the kids at our school. Our SEN team uses a book called Autism and Me (not sure if it's this one https://amzn.eu/d/f0tEYDU ) which has been helpful for quite a few students for learning about how their condition affects them individually and being mindful of how to help themselves.

Look at online schooling. Ds couldn't cope with secondary school and he was bullied. He managed to get all his IGCSEs via online schooling then went on to FE college and is now at university. He's autistic too.

We have been through this with DS19. In terms of the anxiety, the only way to deal with it is through exposure therapy. HOWEVER!!! Exposure therapy only works when it is controlled by the 'patient', and when their fears are irrational - they are exposed to the thing that they are afraid of gradually, and their body and mind learn that it is safe. In a school anxiety situation like this, exposure to school has the opposite effect - it just confirms to the child's body and mind that school is overwhelming, terrifying and anxiety provoking. So forcing or even encouraging them into school will just make the anxiety worse.
You will need an EHCP - I highly recommend Empowering SEND Families. They have a website and a FB group, and their webinars (on their 'events' page) are absolutely brilliant. Instructions and templates to take you through every stage of the process, and either free or cost around £15. I don't work for them! Just used them myself and found them excellent.
My DS is now in a specialist, therapeutic school, because he reached complete burnout before we understood what was going on. If he had had a couple of years doing online school, or had the opportunity to access a much smaller school with smaller classes, he probably wouldn't have needed the incredibly expensive provision he now accesses.

Really feel for you, I have had similar issues with ASD child and also worked supporting autistic children in secondary. The levels of stress and anxiety can be huge. Definitely push asap for EHCP, it opens many doors. Could she get a tutor from the local authority? I don't know if the exposure therapy works. Perhaps a much smaller school could be better. Get advice from the autism charities for support. Online school may be the way to go, but I understand your worries about her not leaving the house.

@brokenintopieces @2x4greenbrick @FluffyDiplodocus Wow, thank you for telling me this!! See this is why I am so overwhelmed as it's such a bloody minefield. You think you're reading the right information and it's completely wrong. I am going to look into this properly tonight and get things moving. Thank you.

@2x4greenbrick When you say 'request alternative provision' what exactly do you mean by this? Is it something such as sending work for her to complete at home? Sorry this is all completely new to me.

@FluffyDiplodocus We are so lucky to have a charity locally who support Autistic girls, and she's finally gotten to the top of the waiting list for their youth club group on a Friday evening after an 18 month wait. She's only been going a few weeks but it's been so good for her to mix with other girls just like her. I am so thankful she has this outside of school. She's also just started Guides too and seems to be enjoying that. There was a point in Primary school where she was struggling a lot and ended up giving up all of her after-school clubs (theatre class, guitar and drums) because she was too stressed to do anything outside of school. So I am really pleased she's got a couple of things to go to again.

@FluffyDiplodocus @brokenintopieces @Needlenardlenoo I will look up IPSEA - thanks so much for this.

@ThankGodItsAutumn She's on a waiting list for a counselling service I have been recommended locally. It's a 3-5 month wait but she will get in-person sessions for talking therapy so hopefully that will help her a bit. Both me and DH were also diagnosed with autism around the same time as her so we're all going through it together, and I hope she feels like we understand a bit more because of it!

@smallglassbottle I did look at online schools recently (Kings and Minerva) which sound great but sadly there's no way we could afford it. I know there's some cheaper online resources for home education but I haven't looked too much into it yet. Sounds like it worked out well for your DS, you must be pleased.

@MargotJane Thank you, ill look into Empowering SEND Families. Does your DS have any learning needs or was he working at expected level/above? I am on a local FB group for SEN families but I only really see info about alternative provision for children who also need support with learning (so for example they are working at a much younger level than their age, if that makes sense - sorry I don't know what the correct language to use here is). I have no idea if there's any provision for children who are academic but struggle with everything else at school, if you see what I mean?

@Leafywool He's doing 3 ALevels and wants to go to Oxford...
There aren't any local authority special schools that cater for academically able children, but there are lots of independent ones (of varying quality). The DfE has a search function here Get Information about Schools - GOV.UK You need to filter for independent schools and special schools, and then your local authority area (and probably neighbouring ones). Then you have to do the laborious process of visiting each individual website to try and work out what kinds of needs they cater for. Looking for the kinds of qualifications offered usually helps! The Good Schools Guide also has a search function where you can filter independent special schools.

Wow fantastic, good luck to him!! So in theory if you successfully apply for an EHCP could the LA fund a place at a specific school, even if it’s an independent fee paying school? Or is that not how it works? Please excuse my ignorance!!

I teach at an online school and some local authorities will fund pupils with EHCPs to attend, but not all I believe. There is a specialist team who deal with these enquiries. Your daughter sounds just like a lot of the KS3 children that I teach. We have many neurodivergent students who have similar issues with school refusal and most are very happy online.

Check out the Facebook group ‘not fine in school’ if post there you will get lots of great advice

Under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure compulsory school aged DC unable to attend school full time still receive a suitable full-time education. Alternative provision (AP) is provision that can be provided for DD away from school. It comes in many forms. For example, home tuition, online tutoring, tuition in a dedicated centre the LA uses, care farm, outward bounds setting, gaming AP… It isn’t all for DC who are struggling academically. Work sent home does not fulfil the LA’s duty.

EHCPs can fund independent schools (and other schools that can be more expensive, such as non-maintained special schools) or online provision. LAs who say they have a blanket policy of not are acting unlawfully. Parents can appeal if LAs issue an EHCP and parents disagree with the provision/placement.

She has a pass to leave lessons early to avoid busy corridors between classes
’Time out’ pass so she can have a break from lesson any time
Pass to use the toilet any time
Pass to go into the library any time
Loop ear buds to reduce noise
All teachers are aware of her diagnosis and needs
We drive her in every morning so she gets dropped off right outside the door
Permission to arrive late and go through main reception instead of student arrival door - trusted member of staff meets here there and takes her straight to first class so she doesn’t have to go to form
She’s been shown where the ‘Y7 team’ office is and she’s been told she can go there any time to speak to someone
She’s been shown where the SENDCO office is and is also able to go there any time if she wants support
She’s been added into a weekly group for neurodiverse children who need extra support and they do activities to help understand emotions etc

None of the ‘support’ is going to make a blind but of difference to her if she cannot act on it. At her age, it would likely be very hard for her to just use her pass to leave a lesson, go to the toilet, go to the library, go and find the SENCo etc. so it’s just paying lip service to her needs. What she actually needs is a 1:1 TA who she can rely on for support when she is feeling overwhelmed. Otherwise she will be spending the whole day in school in flight or fight mode and highly anxious.
I would make an appointment to meet with the SENCo, arrange a suitable timetable with support in place in the form of an actual human being, NOT a ‘pass’. There’s an episode of educating Yorkshire where on pupil with autism has an adult to support him and it’s a joy to see what a difference this adult has on this pupil. Another suggestion - get her a smartwatch that monitors her heart rate. Keep a record of it on days when she’s in school. This may well show how anxious she is.

Most schools would be unable or provide 1:1 without an EHCP.

It is possible to get online school such as Minerva funded by the LA through EOTAS (Education Other Than At School), which is where they concede that needs can't be met in mainstream or in SEN school (or have no places at SEN school) and pay for an alternative - you'd need the EHCP in place and then a year or two of fighting them but it could still be worth it if you could get them to pay for Years 9-11.

(It isn't uncommon for their own policies - as opposed to law - to get in the way though. For example insisting a child must be funded 12k to stay in mainstream and struggle/feel othered all the time rather than just doing 9k for MVA).