Y7 dd struggling with school (Autism)

[Leafywool]

I’ve posted here as I couldn’t really work out where this would fit, and where I’d get a decent response. If anyone can signpost me to the right section I’ll ask MN to move it.

Dd is almost 12 and started secondary this year. She was diagnosed with autism in 2024, at the end of Y5. I don’t like to use the term high functioning because if you know her really well you will see she isn’t functioning very well at all, but to the outside world I think most people would have no idea she is autistic. She is very bright and academic - no problem with the actual work being set at school. She does not have an EHCP.

She is not in school at the moment. She was seemingly doing very well at the start of year 7 but after a few weeks the wheels have fallen off completely. Her attendance % is low and she’s missed lots of days. She is struggling with the general environment of school as it’s all too much for her. I’ve been in contact with school and they have been great, and we are trying different things to see if it helps, but nothing seems to be. I’ll add a list of what’s happened so far:

She has a pass to leave lessons early to avoid busy corridors between classes
’Time out’ pass so she can have a break from lesson any time
Pass to use the toilet any time
Pass to go into the library any time
Loop ear buds to reduce noise
All teachers are aware of her diagnosis and needs
We drive her in every morning so she gets dropped off right outside the door
Permission to arrive late and go through main reception instead of student arrival door - trusted member of staff meets here there and takes her straight to first class so she doesn’t have to go to form
She’s been shown where the ‘Y7 team’ office is and she’s been told she can go there any time to speak to someone
She’s been shown where the SENDCO office is and is also able to go there any time if she wants support
She’s been added into a weekly group for neurodiverse children who need extra support and they do activities to help understand emotions etc.

Despite all of this, she is still struggling a lot. She’s extremely anxious, constantly having meltdowns at home. She’s not sleeping well and it’s taking hours to get her to bed. She says she feels sad all the time and her mental health is not good. I physically cannot get her in to school most days.

We talk about it a lot and she tells me she WANTS to be in school, she enjoys the work and wants to engage in it. But it’s the environment which means she just can’t. She is very anxious as she’s missed a lot and now feels like she’s going to be behind with her work, but I told her that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. There’s no way we would be able to pay for her to go to a smaller independent or anything like that.

I’ve done a lot of research about autism and school anxiety and I’ve read that the worst thing you can do is force it. A ‘tough love’ approach has never worked with her and I’m reluctant to try it now, as I feel like it would make things 100x worse. We have a great relationship and she trusts me completely and I don’t want to do anything to damage that. I’m worried about burnout too.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I need to write another email to school and tell them again how she’s still struggling but what else can we do? I’ve been researching EHCP as I think this is our next step. It’s very overwhelming but I’ve been looking at the SENDIASS website and have found a resource which tells us what we need to do. In our local authority we can’t apply until she’s done two full terms at school so we can evidence what school have tried to do to support her, so that wouldn’t be until Easter.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel so stressed and don’t know where to turn or what to do. She is so unhappy and I am very worried about doing the wrong thing and unintentionally making things worse for her. I’m constantly questioning if I’m doing the right thing.

This. I took mine out of school when she was 13 and it took about 2 years for her to be able to talk about it, another couple of years on and she told me how those passes made her anxiety worse - it’s the standard, usual things that school think will help which actually made her struggle more.

2 terms of evidence doesn't mean they both have to be in y7. Primary school evidence can also count towards the EHCP. Ignore those suggesting a reduced timetable. Imagine you're terrified of snakes and everyday you have to work in a snake pit. Is it going to be a workable solution to just do 3-4 hours with pythons instead of a full day. It doesn't change the fact that snakes are there. It's the environment that has to change. So the key is finding out what isn't working for your daughter and then working with the school to make it work better and to change the environment where possible to meet her needs.

Could you ask if you could walk your daughter around the school while no pupils are around so you can open up conversations with your daughter about the environment and how she feels about different subjects, rooms, teaching strategies etc. you'd probably learn a lot about what's working and what's not.

@Soontobe60@alecks You are completely right about this. One of things that comes up in discussion with her is that she hates using the passes (and often doesn’t) because she doesn’t feel like she can just get up and leave class for a break or to go early. It makes her more anxious as she gets asked by other kids why she has it/where she’s going. It feeds into her anxiety about being different and singled out. 1:1 TA sounds ideal but I feel like there’s no way that’s ever going to happen (especially without an EHCP). I find it hard as I have no idea what I can/need to request from school but have some good ideas from this thread 😃

She could be seated by the door so she could slip out discreetly?

Having a 1-1 would be rather more conspicuous.

Ask the school about ELSA support.

I’ve just finished a period of time working in secondary with children who sound just like your daughter . My experience is that sadly many girls seemed to mask anxiety but then really struggle at secondary and are just utterly overwhelmed in the environment and can mask no more . I spent many hours working with the children in my groups on their anxiety and coping skills but sadly the rest of the school didn’t accommodate as classes were crowded, corridors crowded , lunch and break the same , so anxiety levels rise again and again ( therapists needed in schools esp at pressure points ) . Then parents got fined for non attendance.

I’m all honestly I think smaller calmer environments are needed led by therapists My advise is find out your rights regards your daughter , seek a very good therapist for her to build her self esteem and look at a part time timetable and possible tutoring also as getting behind will worry her also . On a positive the children I worked with thrived at college and just focused on getting their exams at school ( lots of work at home where school provided tutors in the end )

I’m going through exactly the same thing with my 12 yo DS. Also in yr 7. Exactly the same as your DD. Has passes but hates using them and doesn’t want to be different. A lot of masking going on and also lack of confidence ie not wanting to ask anyone if unsure about anything. Probably as he doesn’t know or trust the staff like he did in primary.

One thing our school have done is reduce the timetable so for one lesson each day (that he has chosen to sit out) he goes to the wellbeing hub instead and does the work in there where it’s quieter. It’s only the second week of this reduced time table but for the first time since the beginning of October he went in yesterday and today from 9am to 3pm. I couldn’t believe it.

I am so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. Best of luck for you and your DD 💐

Oh I’m sorry to hear this but it’s good to hear how it’s working for other children in the same boat. One thing dd said was that she was taken out of class to complete a maths test she had missed and she said it was amazing to sit in a quiet room on her own to work. I have no idea if there’s a wellbeing hub or any similar type of set up so I’ll ask about that. I’m glad things seem a bit better for your DS, and I hope it continues.

I haven't read the whole thread, but are you on the Autistic Girls Network facebook group? I found it a little overwhelming at first, as understandably people are mostly on the group when things aren't going well and when they need support. However, it has been an invaluable source of advice, recommendations and also normalising what was happening with our DD. www.facebook.com/groups/AutisticGirlsNetwork/

My DD is yr8, diagnosed Autism and ADHD in yr7, after the wheels feel off spectacularly about 3 weeks into secondary (a very, very common pattern for autistic girls).

It's so, so hard OP, but ultimately if she can't go to school she can't go to school and something else will need to be put in place for her, when she's ready. Go slowly is my advice, as autisic burnout is a real thing with girls in secondary, as is trauma from trying to survive in school.

And look after yourself - it's a lot supporting a child in this situation and I'm only able to support DD well if I am myself in a good, emotionally well-resourced place.

I'm also not convinced 'therapy' as typically understood is always helpful for autistic girls who highly mask. I think my DD would just say what she thinks they want to hear. Instead, I'm looking into things like ND mentoring and also sensory diets/ sensory integration therapy.

Yes I am on the FB group and also the ‘Not Fine in School’ one, but as you say, I find both very overwhelming to sift through so I’ve not looked at them for a long time. I’ll have another go though as I’m sure there’s some excellent advice in there.

What happened with your daughter in the end, if you don’t mind sharing? It’s interesting for me to read what worked/didn’t for others who have experienced the same.

I am always stuck between encouraging her in as much as possible or just totally taking the pressure off, and I dont know which is the right approach. It is hard as I’m sure from the outside it looks like I’m being a pushover and giving in to her demands (not that she’s demanding anything at all - she is highly stressed, anxious and constantly crying) when in reality I’m protecting her from being in a constant state of panic the whole school day.

@FlappicusSmith also thank you - DH and I are both already stressed because of things outside of this, so it’s another level now! And we’re only a few weeks in. I can’t imagine how parents feel that are a few years down the line still trying to battle for support.

My DD age 16 was diagnosed 3 months ago. The psychologist revommended ACT. Acceptance and commitment therapy.
She is 8 weeks in and I am so grateful She is going and has connected with her therapist. I wish you and your Daughter all the help in the world. Already we are noticing a difference. Her therapist told me its small steps with helping kids cope .

@Leafywool We are in the fortunate position to be able to afford to send her to a small, local private school. It's low-pressure and kind. But even in that environment she struggled massively last year. Much like you - we suddenly encountered frequent explosive evening meltdowns, refusing to go to bed, etc.

It's been a lot better this year. Partly because the school is now a familiar environment and she is used to it. Also because we now have the diagnosis so that has helped her and us understand more what's going on. Plus her just being a year older/ more mature. But, the thing that's probably helped the most is us changing the way we parent her. We go very low demand as much as possible (particularly weekends and holidays). I've had to let go of a lot of my expectations and 'standards'. She wants to spend all day in her pjs on Grow a Garden? Fine. Etc. We've stopped nagging about stuff she isn't going to do anyway (e.g. exercise on weekends/ holidays). We've all learnt about and properly embraced the implications of 'spoon theory'. I no longer care what anyone outside of the family thinks of how we parent her. We had to/ have to parent the child we have and in her best interests.

And the other thing that has helped massively is me being in a better place than I was last year and also, to a certain extent, a bit of 'radical acceptance' that this is how it and she is right now. This means I am able to weather her storms and not panic, rise to the bait, or catastrophise.

Don't get me wrong - it's still fucking hard. Puberty has been very difficult for her. She's very anxious. She is hard to parent and it takes up an enormous amount of my mental and emotional energy and headspace. But she's also wonderful, lovely, kind, creative, thoughtful, funny, loyal and a million other positive things.

Hang in there - it will get easier. Or at least, there will be ups after the downs.

Oh, and on the Autistic Girls Network, I found it more helpful when I posted specific questions (you can post anonymously). The responses and feedback I got on there have been instrumental in me shifting my approach to DD and to deepening my understanding of autism and AuDHD. Also around PDA, which I think we've got going on in the mix here!

A letter may not be recieved well. A telephone call may suit you better, you might need to set up a meeting with the head teacher, and personal class teacher to discuss matters.

I currently work as a SEN TA in a secondary school, leave lesson early passes can help ASD kids a lot however, if not confident asking can you ask SENco to communicate this to her teachers, & remind them. I’ll nudge the kids to use them, with some students I’ll go with if needed. Does the school have a student support room? (Ours is quiet, relaxed, manned by a TA & for students struggling emotionally, those with broken limbs, & new starters to sit & work with support if needed). A place where she could do a reduced timetable of lessons but is in school, & begin phased return. Is there any scope for meeting her & going to a sensory room or quieter classroom? I supported a high functioning ASD year 7 last year who began struggling weeks into term by meeting him & mum at the gate, walking him in (sometimes took a long while or not at all-& he would go home after a meltdown or hyperventilating, was tough on him & his mum) we would go to our sensory room & play games, (as this was what he said he enjoyed in a meeting) before I’d take him to support room, then lessons. Over the year it reduced & with other provisions in year 8 now he’s doing ok, walks over to his small group of friends, is in all lessons on a full timetable. His EHCP came in mid way through year 7. Is there any scope for this sort of support? We also run sensory circuits for some students, in AM reg to ease them into the day-does the school offer anything like this? Secondary school is a massive transition, which is underestimated & it’s something we see year 7’s struggle with more & more. Can you ask SENco & pastoral/head of year if & what more specific support for your daughter can be put in place?

Thank you @FlappicusSmith - I totally get the drain of emotional energy thing. I feel like I have to police the way I feel/react to things to then manage her emotions and it’s very draining. I am also autistic which doesn’t help!

We are also very low demand. I don’t ask much of her at all - there’s never any pressure to do anything but I always check if she would like to do XYZ, or come somewhere with me, and sometimes she surprises me and says yes which is nice. But I do think it would be very easy for her to fall into the trap of never leaving her room/the house and spending all day on her iPad if she’s never in school. She is quite mature in the fact she realises she feels much better for getting out (she commented on this today as I got her to come out to take our dog to his physio appointment this afternoon) but sometimes reminding her of that isn’t enough to encourage her to get out and about.

Your dd’s school sounds lovely and like the exact sort of place my dd would thrive. I’m glad to hear she is doing much better there despite having a tough time last year.

@Radywardthank you I’ll look up ACT - I’ve not heard of that before.

@EcoCustard I’m not sure if there’s a support room or anything similar but I will ask, thank you. We had been going in late and meeting a member of staff at reception but it’s not really helped at all. I’ve not heard of sensory circuits so will look that up also!

The member of staff we have been supported by (she’s the Y7 transition coordinator) emailed us today to see how dd was. I was very honest with her and explained why she hadn’t been in at all this week and said that she needs more support as what’s been put in place so far hasn’t helped. She’s invited us in for a meeting with the heads of year tomorrow. I also said I am going to apply for an EHC needs assessment and she said she will pass my message on to the SENDCO.

Dd is really anxious about the meeting. I am sat by her bed right now as she can’t sleep. She feels like they are going to be mad at her and she will be in trouble but I’ve explained that would never be the case. We’re going to sit and make a list of everything she is feeling/struggling with in the morning so we don’t forget to mention anything.

She said the changes made so far (so the list I posted in my OP), she feels like she masks herself to fit in with those changes and can only keep it up for a couple of days and then it gets too hard again. Which makes complete sense, so I’m going to tell school what she said tomorrow. I’ve told her I am never going to force her to agree to anything she’s uncomfortable with, but it’s probably going to be a long process of trying different things to see what works. I honestly have no idea what they will suggest tomorrow so don’t know what to expect.

How was the meeting OP? Thanks for your kind words, unfortunately I spoke too soon and things have become considerably worse. Last week DS went in for two days and this week so far only half a day. It turns out when he is in the hub the staff are pressuring him to attend lessons even if he says he feels uncomfortable. Then last Tuesday he had a substitute teacher for a class who apparently “screamed at” another student for asking to go to the toilet. Now I’m not in any doubt that this will be an exaggeration by DS but one of his triggers for his anxiety is people shouting at or near him so that was that for the rest of the week.

This week he tried his best and although in tears in reception waiting to sign in on Monday he went to the hub where he started to feel unwell but the staff wouldn’t listen to him and told him to “push through it”. He was really distressed and finally got sent home an hour before the end of school. He’s since come down with this flu bug going around. So not been in since. I don’t want to keep forcing him in if he’s not getting supported at school, only pressurised. It’s making him more traumatised and the problem is getting worse not better.

In my opinion he now needs a part time timetable where he’s at home part of the week but school have said they need to apply to the local authority for this.

I really hope you get some help OP. I know how hard this is and how isolating. I don’t know about you but I’m constantly second guessing myself and not knowing what to do for the best. It doesn’t help that I have ADHD and I’m suspecting DS does too now but has been masking very well up to this point. Sigh.

DD is now in 6th form and doing well.
The problem for her is change and secondary school is all about constant change - classrooms, people, teachers, subjects, noise levels. It’s a constant bombardment.
She didn’t go to school for most of year 8/9 as she didn’t cope (year 7 were bubbles in one classroom). she did spend time in a quiet classroom working on her own but she found the lack of interaction overwhelming and would break down coming home.
I don’t have an answer as what she needed was time. Has your DD seen the educational psychologist as ours was very helpful, and suggested just taking a break. What wasn’t helpful was CAHMS who only offered CBT which was not good for her at all and made her worse.
We only got DD back into school with the use of 1:1s and onlt lessons in year 10/11. Sixth form she is coping mostly though, so it can improve.

You missed the bit where OP’s DD had huge worries about looking different and not blending in.

I would definitely be worrying about her falling behind, you seem to dismiss this concern quite quickly? Can she work at home to fill the gaps?

It is really unhelpful to think like that about emotionally based school avoidance. The priority should be getting her back on an even keel emotionally.

Tough love works at home, it doesnt usually work at school. I would keep in contact with the school, and do not stop trying to work things out until the change comes. She has already done two terms you said.

I'd say either a smaller, less overwhelming school or home education that you pay for or keep on at the local authority to provide a different setting or tutoring at home. There is often no provision for academically capable children with ASD though. She will likely never settle at this school. I'm glad they are working with you though. We had reasonable adjustments and help on one hand, while being constantly kicked about attendance and threatened with fines with the other hand, which made it extremely stressful for all of us.