I’ve posted here as I couldn’t really work out where this would fit, and where I’d get a decent response. If anyone can signpost me to the right section I’ll ask MN to move it.
Dd is almost 12 and started secondary this year. She was diagnosed with autism in 2024, at the end of Y5. I don’t like to use the term high functioning because if you know her really well you will see she isn’t functioning very well at all, but to the outside world I think most people would have no idea she is autistic. She is very bright and academic - no problem with the actual work being set at school. She does not have an EHCP.
She is not in school at the moment. She was seemingly doing very well at the start of year 7 but after a few weeks the wheels have fallen off completely. Her attendance % is low and she’s missed lots of days. She is struggling with the general environment of school as it’s all too much for her. I’ve been in contact with school and they have been great, and we are trying different things to see if it helps, but nothing seems to be. I’ll add a list of what’s happened so far:
She has a pass to leave lessons early to avoid busy corridors between classes
’Time out’ pass so she can have a break from lesson any time
Pass to use the toilet any time
Pass to go into the library any time
Loop ear buds to reduce noise
All teachers are aware of her diagnosis and needs
We drive her in every morning so she gets dropped off right outside the door
Permission to arrive late and go through main reception instead of student arrival door - trusted member of staff meets here there and takes her straight to first class so she doesn’t have to go to form
She’s been shown where the ‘Y7 team’ office is and she’s been told she can go there any time to speak to someone
She’s been shown where the SENDCO office is and is also able to go there any time if she wants support
She’s been added into a weekly group for neurodiverse children who need extra support and they do activities to help understand emotions etc.
Despite all of this, she is still struggling a lot. She’s extremely anxious, constantly having meltdowns at home. She’s not sleeping well and it’s taking hours to get her to bed. She says she feels sad all the time and her mental health is not good. I physically cannot get her in to school most days.
We talk about it a lot and she tells me she WANTS to be in school, she enjoys the work and wants to engage in it. But it’s the environment which means she just can’t. She is very anxious as she’s missed a lot and now feels like she’s going to be behind with her work, but I told her that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. There’s no way we would be able to pay for her to go to a smaller independent or anything like that.
I’ve done a lot of research about autism and school anxiety and I’ve read that the worst thing you can do is force it. A ‘tough love’ approach has never worked with her and I’m reluctant to try it now, as I feel like it would make things 100x worse. We have a great relationship and she trusts me completely and I don’t want to do anything to damage that. I’m worried about burnout too.
I honestly don’t know what to do now. I need to write another email to school and tell them again how she’s still struggling but what else can we do? I’ve been researching EHCP as I think this is our next step. It’s very overwhelming but I’ve been looking at the SENDIASS website and have found a resource which tells us what we need to do. In our local authority we can’t apply until she’s done two full terms at school so we can evidence what school have tried to do to support her, so that wouldn’t be until Easter.
Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel so stressed and don’t know where to turn or what to do. She is so unhappy and I am very worried about doing the wrong thing and unintentionally making things worse for her. I’m constantly questioning if I’m doing the right thing.