Do you have someone in your life that will just argue over any comment?

[Hellodarknessyouoldprick]

I’m really laid back, so I just say things like “quite right” and smile but SIL is just impossible sometimes.

I went to a gig at an old haunt of mine last night, SIL popped round this morning and I made a joke about how there are items in my medicine cabinet older than some of the other people there.

”There aren’t though, are there? You don’t have items 18 years old. If you did, they would make you sick.”

The tiler is here, doing some work on the kitchen, we were talking about the tiles we chose, again, I was making a joke about them being easier than the hexagonal ones I originally wanted.

”They aren’t really though, are they? He’s still having to make cuts for the pattern. Anyway, are you saying he’s not good enough to do anything more complicated?”

They were both this morning. She only popped in to drop off a birthday card for dh.

MIL finds it really bloody exhausting too, but she said she’s been trying to pull her up on it for 40 years, so now she just zones out as well. Dh just sort of glazes over and says he thinks about work instead while she’s talking.

It’s everything! Christmases are just one big round of fun, “that’s not the nicest scarf ever though is it, dad? You’re telling me that M&S is nicer than Hermes? That would be news to them.”

Just a lighthearted thread by the way. The woman was an angel when I was really ill and we adore her, just wondering if anyone else had a family member who could pick a fight in an empty room?

I worked with someone like this. His default reaction was to disagree with whatever was said, in minute detail. On the rare occasions he agreed with you, he would spend the same amount of time explaining to you why you were right.

Reply with “sure Jan” everytime she starts. Especially if her name isn't Jan. She's getting a kick out of arguing with everyone and needs the wind taken out of her sails.

Unless she is wrong and you can reply 'Not happy Jan'... maybe only aussies of a certain age that will understand that one!

Oh goodness, one of DH’s friends was like this. Such a contrarian about everything. You could say that the sky was blue, and he’d spend the next hour explaining why it was actually yellow. He spoke to his wife so horribly, and she was such a wonderful, accomplished woman. I actually think he had a problem with women, as he seemed to be like this more with women.

DH isn’t friends with him anymore, and has commented several times that he’s glad that the negativity is gone from his life! I just have no tolerance for people like this anymore.

Honestly, she’s just a an argumentative prick. FIL calls her an energy vampire. The less we respond to it (me with my nodding and agreeing, FIL with his leaving the room, MIL and Dh zoning out), the worse she gets until she gives up and finds some reason to flounce off home. Some people are just like that.

MIL has tried loads of different tactics over the years, including giving her all the attention, giving her no attention.

Your dh has the right idea, most families have one character like this and they're unavoidable.

Were you not tempted to beat her at her own game, and go
"Really? Call the newspapers? You can't actually think they would publish an article about my best day ever, would you?"

Fair play though, you've got more patience than most (Including her own family, it sounds like!) to be putting up with her!

A covert narcissist is the ultimate “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Their manipulative tactics are subtle, often slipping under the radar, which makes you wonder, “How did I not see it sooner?”
They project an image of care and compassion, but their “concern” often hides condescending, passive-aggressive abuse.
Unlike the stereotypical narcissist, they may seem shy, vulnerable, or insecure, making them harder to spot. They rely on subtle emotional manipulation and passive aggression.
Don’t be fooled—just because they don’t explode in rage or engage in obvious abuse doesn’t mean you’re safe. The ongoing emotional manipulation can affect your mental and physical health, leading to stress-related symptoms over time.
Here are 6 red flags to watch for:

1. Subtle guilt-tripping

They manipulate your emotions to make you feel sorry for them, pushing you to prioritize their needs. Confront them, and they’ll shift to victim mode, making you feel responsible for their feelings.

1. Bringing up the past

In arguments, they’ll drag up old issues, blindsiding you with details you thought were resolved. This tactic keeps you defensive, struggling to explain things you barely remember.

1. Constant victim mentality

They portray themselves as the victim, even in situations they created, pulling you into a cycle of rescuing or defending them. Over time, you’ll see their grievances are more about their own behavior than anyone else’s.

1. Passive-aggressive tactics

Instead of showing open anger, they use passive-aggressiveness to punish. Silent treatment, stonewalling, or cold responses leave you feeling isolated and frustrated.

1. Exhausting “discussions”

They drag out conversations, leaving you drained and defeated rather than resolved. Their goal is to wear you down until you’re too exhausted to defend yourself.

1. Kindness with strings attached

Their generosity often comes with hidden expectations. They’ll do something kind, then guilt you with “After everything I’ve done for you,” using it to control you.

Copied and pasted from a page I watch on fb but clear and concise and nothing to do with autism. They are just cunts.

Unfortunately, my husband.

I have a sister like this! She is ALWAYS right, there is no point getting into a discussion about anything, I’ve learnt to nod and smile in agreement.

Luckily she’s married to a gentle soul who has learnt to live with her (over 20 years of marriage).

I use her as a reminder of how NOT to be, it is absolutely awful! However, she is extremely helpful and does care so not all is bad! Sending you love Sis.

The truth is, I just can’t be arsed. I keep my mouth shut and smile a lot in life. It saves me a lot of hassle.

Yes my DM is like this. It’s exhausting. She will for example say something and I will agree with her (because it’s inconsequential and I can’t be bothered) and she will disagree with some aspect my agreement.

No.

I removed people like that from my life a long time ago.

I've known a few like this who pick everybody apart over everything. It's draining and lowers the mood. They tend to have no friends and the bare minimum of family who avoid as much as possible.

Yes. My SIL. DHs sister. She has absolutely no sense of humour and does not get sarcasm or anything said in a jokey way at all. She even contradicts herself, she will say something and then disagree with it in the next sentence. Its like she's having a conversation with herself. Everything has to be pulled apart. Its exhausting being in her company, but in the last few years ive limited my time spent with her. I used to be able to smile and nod and bear it. But dont have the tolerance anymore so I just avoid her! A nice enough person, good hearted but not easy company at all.

Rather than picking an argument, it sounds as if she’s very literal, so taking statements at face value rather than picking up on intended humour or sarcasm.

I find a lot of MN veterans like this to be honest. You start a thread about a custard cream and by the end of it the comment section is full of women arguing and accusing people of being racist or ableist 😂

No, it’s not that at all. It is just nitpicking at anything. She doesn’t take things literally. She will just take anything you say and twist it into something she can get upset about.

It’s actually quite a skill.

This sounds like my friend. It's not that he is literal, it's that he is in his mind always right and if you disagree you are wrong. He is a very angry man.

I worked in a university for many years and had to deal with staff across departments. There was a guy who insanely hard work and just like the argumentative people described above. He was professor of psychology who specialised in anger management. I feel it wasn't unconnected as he had probably been enraging others all his adult life.

😂

I knew someone similar, not anymore so I have the luxury (for want of a better word) of finding these people fascinating. They aren’t ND, they understand how conversations work and also that not everything that is said is intended to be literal. They just seem to enjoy being contrary, seeming to be cleverer and more high brow and derailing conversations. Knowing they alienate themselves doesn’t deter them even though they do this to people they care about. How she rallied round you when you were ill bears that out. It’s why they do what they do that fascinates me.

”Have you talked to them about it?” Is a question that often irritates me on here. Of course people have talked to her about it. But has anyone approached that conversation from the perspective of gentle curiosity? Like she has an unusual and interesting way about her. I’m guessing she might like the attention.

That conversation could start by asking her if she is aware she does it. How she feels when she feels when she’s doing it? Then does she realise the impact it has? Doing it almost certainly makes her feel good in some way, a feeling that outweighs the irritation she causes. My guess is it stems from a deep rooted feeling of needing to be the clever one, so insecurity. Or maybe not. Perhaps if you can winkle out the reason behind it you might be able to get her to see what she is doing isn’t the best way of addressing that reason.

Well that would satisfy my fascination anyway 🫣. Shame I didn’t do that when I had my own nit picker, eh?

My XH was like that (and he was abusive as well). If I said the sky was blue we would argue that it's black in the evening.
You can have fun with people like that if you have one stock sentence like "you disagree just for the sake of it" and say it every single time they disagree. It becomes a game.

I think it probably isn't. Your SIL seems to present as having poor social skills, very rigid thinking and a profound lack of awareness of the effect her words have on other people. Even after being told. I suspect that she is undiagnosed neurodivergent, and that her family may be similar because she was probably never corrected as a child - maybe because they saw nothing wrong.

@Hellodarknessyouoldprick after my stab at amateur psychology (although my DH and DC are all neurodivergent and I mix in that community), I would suggest that you find a way forward where you don't trigger her and just don't engage with her when she starts.

Yes, I know you're not the one being difficult, but I'm thinking of how you might make being around her more comfortable. Try to think of topics that she can talk about without being awkward to others. I know that there are other things that can be done, but after these years, is it really worth the pain of pursuing a diagnosis and having new therapies if she is managing to cope and being a successful (even if not popular) adult?

I sympathise OP. I had a friend like this and she was exhausting. We're no longer friends (that's another story), but I do not miss her!