Do you have someone in your life that will just argue over any comment?

[Hellodarknessyouoldprick]

I’m really laid back, so I just say things like “quite right” and smile but SIL is just impossible sometimes.

I went to a gig at an old haunt of mine last night, SIL popped round this morning and I made a joke about how there are items in my medicine cabinet older than some of the other people there.

”There aren’t though, are there? You don’t have items 18 years old. If you did, they would make you sick.”

The tiler is here, doing some work on the kitchen, we were talking about the tiles we chose, again, I was making a joke about them being easier than the hexagonal ones I originally wanted.

”They aren’t really though, are they? He’s still having to make cuts for the pattern. Anyway, are you saying he’s not good enough to do anything more complicated?”

They were both this morning. She only popped in to drop off a birthday card for dh.

MIL finds it really bloody exhausting too, but she said she’s been trying to pull her up on it for 40 years, so now she just zones out as well. Dh just sort of glazes over and says he thinks about work instead while she’s talking.

It’s everything! Christmases are just one big round of fun, “that’s not the nicest scarf ever though is it, dad? You’re telling me that M&S is nicer than Hermes? That would be news to them.”

Just a lighthearted thread by the way. The woman was an angel when I was really ill and we adore her, just wondering if anyone else had a family member who could pick a fight in an empty room?

Yep. My Mum and her siblings. Not in the same manner your SIL, but they could pick a fight with thin air. In fact they will often change a conversation to have the argument they want to have, rather than discuss the topic we were all discussing.

It is exhausting.

Sounds like she has low self esteem, proving everyone wrong is her way of making herself feel superior and better about herself. Quite sad really I suppose.

she sounds exhausting. I’d just roll my eyes and tell her to bore off.

My DS Is like this - in his case, it’s a factor of his ADHD. Arguing stimulates dopamine in his brain, which it doesn’t produce enough of.

I try to be understanding, but god it’s hard work at times. The boy once argued with me about what MY favourite colour is!!

How on earth are so many people’s husbands like this? Please tell me how you cope - I couldn’t !! Were they always like it
Your SIL sounds like autism to me

Yes my darling brother. He came to live with me temporarily for a few months recently and I hadn’t really noticed how oppositional he is until then. He is the nicest, kindest, intelligent person and I love him very much but he nearly drove me round the bend by arguing about virtually everything I said. He even argued with me about things in my own house when for example, I explained how they worked. He would have some theory about how they could or should work differently. He would question literally absolutely everything I said or suggested. Partly I think it was jockeying for position with me his oldest sister as he was always very much the younger brother and he is in his sixties now. He probably feels that I should defer to him more. How his wife puts up with him I will never know.

I’m sure others have said, but that sounds like someone who is neurodivergent. I have ADHD and I do that a lot. I find it difficult sometimes when people say something they don’t mean. So like a joke I will take it literally, unless it’s obviously a joke. It may seem obvious to you and your family, but it’s clearly not obvious to her. Maybe try and continue to accept it as part of her, not malicious, just different ways of understanding communication.

That is a classic response of a neurodivergent woman. Hence why so many are excellent in hospital of roles such as paramedic.
From your responses you do sound as though you are a rigid thinker, fairly intolerant.

Yes my sister - she’s a right cunt, she looks to make a dig or have a go.

Yes. I just end up agreeing most of the time, saying 'you're right'

Yup my autistic dd. It’s definitely art of her autism. I’m autistic myself but don’t have this particular literal thinking/communication deficit. It drives me mad. I find the phrase “it was just a figure of speech not meant literally” very useful. Also “it was an exaggeration to stress the compliment/difficulty/etc” can help to save your own ego and cut short a long explanation of information you already know re how you are wrong with what you said

I don’t think she is ND. No one does. She doesn’t. she just seems to revel in arguing for the sake of it.

I am intrigued as to why you think I’m a rigid
thinker and intolerant though? I absolutely love her, I just nod along and smile. I almost died a couple of years ago, my life is too short not to!

If you told her the sky was blue, she would argue that it was more grey that day, why would I say it was blue, did I not think it was more grey?

I would reply, yes love, you are right, it is more grey than blue and she’d be happy.

She’s not very literal. She doesn’t take things literally - she just likes to pick fault with everything anyone says.

The medicine cabinet comment this morning. She knew I didn’t mean I actually had 18 year old products. She just didn’t like that I’d said that as it was a daft thing to say (which yes it was, it was a joke, but it was an “in” to pick it apart).

I have had this argument, or very similar with my (autistic) DD. Apparently whilst there is a colour called “sky blue”, that is NOT the colour of the sky, actually. 😆

Same as my mum but she is a narcissist. She is NEVER wrong and when she is it is someone elses fault (usually mine) and when she is caught out being wrong it gets deflected, projected, certainly not acknowledged. She does not have autism unlike myself who can be literal but I do not give sermons about things nor think I know better than everyone else. My mother would quite literally argue with her own toenails. Always has a comment about something. It is waring op i feel for you.

Yes. She doesn’t have autism.

I think it’s very unfair to people with autism to say she is. It’s hard to get across, but she does do it purely as she gets a kick out of doing it.

Especially when it’s retail workers or restaurant staff.

But, like I said, she can also be incredibly caring. She does things in the community for people that no one knows about, totally under the radar. Things that if people knew she did, she would be praised for, but that’s not why she does them. And she will drop anything for family, she did for me. She put her own life on the back burner for months to care for me.

Dh thinks she’s just trying to offset being such a massive cunt so she’ll get into heaven

The people I know who are so literal all have autism.

@Andromed1 yeah but they could also just be massive fuckers. Not everyone who is literal has autism and not everyone who has autism takes everything literally. Kinda like the joke 'Oh you are autistic so you take everything literally?' head tilt Oh no, that would be a kleptomaniac'.

@Hellodarknessyouoldprick she sounds like she just needs to be right ALL of the time no matter how ridiculous she sounds. Its deep rooted insecurity and unfortunately unless she adresess it she will always be this way. I do not know what to advise as I removed my mother from my life as she just argued and contradicted non stop. I mean even with the disgusted look walking into my home and saying 'urgh your house is always so clean'. Eh wtf why is that wrong? They just need to have SOMETHING to say.

You have far more patience than me OP. I’d answer her back in a very firm manner, and pull her up on it every single time, tell her to shut up etc.

I have a colleague like this. Every comment I make she puts up an argument against it. Always has the last word and her view is always right (in her opinion). It’s so draining. I end up not talking because everything I say gets pulled apart and knocked down. Every time I’ve thought about quitting, it’s been because of her. She’s not intentionally nasty though - I don’t think she realises she does it. She has ND children so probably ND herself too.

Her own parents gave up with that years ago! Honestly, at family get togethers, she just turns them all to drink, it’s the only way they can all get though it.

Thing is, she can be so amazing in other ways, that I do just let it slide.

My brother. He can turn anything into an argument. I strongly suspect he is autistic ( lots and lots of indicators). I don’t think he realizes he is being obnoxious and combative.

Taking every comment so literally can be a sign of neurodivergence.

I see she falls out with everyone, so I'm guessing she can't do banter or jokes, and it looks as if she is lacking in awareness of the effect her approach is having on others.

Has anyone ever suggested she be assessed for autism?

Last week we spent a few days away with a couple we usually see just for dinner. This time 2 nights with them. Never again.

They initiate conversations and if you don’t agree with them you are put down and told you are “completely wrong”. They then cite their professional credentials and talk at you as if you know nothing. I was told “you just don’t understand” and called “callous”because I supported a recent IHT variation. They weren’t even accurate in what they asserted about IHT.

DH listened to some sort of sales pitch monologue from the man about how wonderful his career had been. It was relentless. DH (next day in the car) said he was useless at business and had gone bankrupt. He complained about his ex wife - they’ve been divorced for over 25 years!

We were so close to leaving and going home! Manners stopped us but that’s the last time I’m getting involved with them. They are former professional contacts of DH and he’s had enough too. We were only there for DH to do them a favour regarding their house! They seem to need to be important and right. Any alternative point of view is put down by insulting your intelligence - ugh!! Our escape will be not seeing them again.

I wouldn't rule out autism at all.

Comments like the ones about the salt or sugar could be her very misjudged way of expressing care for people she's close to. Autistic people can be very caring in the community and in the family. That's not a reason to rule it out.

Some lack the ability to read the room. Some lack the ability to appreciate humour, banter, and other commonly used elements of spoken communication.

Autism expresses itself differently in every individual.