Crying so much that my children are older

[Caz86123]

I can’t stop looking back at videos when my boys were so young like 2 and 5 they are now 8 nearly 9 and nearly 12. I don’t know where the time has gone and it breaks my heart I can’t get any time back. I miss them so much being that small I love them so much and I need help I know

Cancer. He had some complications and ended up on life support for 4 weeks after a cardiac arrest.

He still has some challenges as a result of everything but he's been in remission for just over a year now and his outlook is now very positive thankfully.

It really, really isn't normal.

Catching site of a photo, or someone saying 'remember when we....' or missing them being in a nativity and looking back with a hint of nostalgia is normal.
Crying whilst watching old videos on a loop is NOT normal behaviour.

OP's dc are still quite small dc. They aren't about to go off to Uni, or leaving home to live on the other side of the country. They are right there, in front of her, needing her every day. They need her to enjoy them at the stage they are now not to be sitting there sobbing because they achieve something new.

Please don't try and normalise this. The OP needs to find a way out of this depression.

I pray he has the best long life x

No this type of OTT reaction is not normal. OP will be back here years later complaining she doesn’t see or hear from her kids (well maybe because you were overbearing an smothered them) or talking about just showing up to where they recently moved without waiting for an invitation (although that mum did seem to have a full, busy life outside of her sons).

I am indeed not sobbing in front of them for god sake... it's like literally 10 mins the last few days when they are at school..it is normal and sad you don't realise this, since my oldest started secondory school I have been a little like this, before then...NOTHING!!! The reality is that time goes by so bloody quick... we are all set in work routines etc and the years fly by, a lot of people never even notice until wow..they have left the house, I have always been aware of time etc but it hit me hard in Sep!!!!

I loved mine being little, having adult children is fabulous though. So much love still, and grandchildren.

HAHA ok!!!

Get a life for yourself as well Op…spend time with your friends and nurture those relationships…a few years down the line when they are full on teenagers they are not going to want to spend so much time with you and that’s very normal….friends become much more important to them

You sound like a wonderful mum and you will no doubt continue to be through the course of your boys lives. Sometimes you will miss when they were tiny so much it hurts. I still do. But leaving those times behind mean you get to see them grow up and enjoy other adventures with them. I’ve recently loved helping DS build his Hornby train set and visiting uni open days with DD. And our holidays are fab now! I was saying to my daughter the other day, and an embarrassing speech about how much I love her, that older kids are like Labradors. The puppies are soft and cute and delicious but they just get more gorgeous with age 🙂

It really, really isn’t normal.

I cried on my youngest DC 4th birthday ... because I knew all the toddler stuff was forever gone...
I think it's ok to be sad that an specific thing in life is finished, especially if you enjoyed it.

I can’t relate either - I’ve enjoyed my DC more as they’ve grown and become amazing young adults. We hang out and do fun stuff. Much easier than when they were little kids and you were on the go watching them and worrying about them almost 24/7.

Whilst it probably is ‘normal’ for some parents to feel like this I agree it’s not healthy. My DC roll their eyes at my DH romanticising when they were little. They want parents who are present and enjoy life with them now. Not living in some misty memories from the past.

Frankly I think it’s a bit of an insult to who they are now. How would you feel if someone said they preferred you 5 years ago when you were younger/slimmer/cuter or whatever?

As the parent of teens, I can tell you the time goes much faster as they get older. FWIW I love looking back on when they are tiny, but I don't miss it and I love them being less reliant on me - it's my job to bring up adults and it's all good and healthy that they become independent of me.

That’s not healthy for you though. If you don’t want a partner fair enough, but you do need friends. In a few short years your kids will be choosing to spend more time with their friends or partners than with you, and that’s perfectly normal, but if you have no one else in your life it’s going to be very lonely. Maybe you’ll be fine with that, as long as you realise you do need to let your kids go. They won’t be your focus forever.

That doesn't sound healthy OP. You need to build some meaning in your life outside your children.

You know what's worse than kids growing up? Kids not growing up. I wish mine had lived long enough to leave home, get married, have their own children, get jobs, travel, just be in the world. Be glad they are growing up.

Time Flies. It really does… My eldest is 31 and starting her own family; but I still remember what she looked & smelled like when I first held her in my arms. My son is 23… I remember how sad I felt when his shoulders broadened, his neck thickened and his pudgy wee knuckles turned into beautiful manly hands… Each stage has its joys & you’ll feel a little grief when they move onto the next. My big goals as a mum was to make them feel loved & that our home will always be their sanctuary. I wanted to instill them with confidence to do whatever they wanted in life, and (the hardest) have the discipline to stay out of their way & let them get on with it without interfering. Enjoy every moment, cherish the memories, enjoy making new ones. You’ll be their mother forever and it’s awesome xxx

Would you like your children to have the opportunity to take a year off to go travelling? How about to go to a brilliant university on the other side of the country? Do language exchanges abroad? How will you cope if your children have such great chances that take them away from you geographically?

I left home at 17 and moved 100 milea to college, from then I spent each Summer abroad and 3 semesters in Europe, finished college and moved to a city 40 miles away, as a 20 something year old didnt come home or ring as often as i should. However i adore my mam and speak to her daily.

My parents gave me the gift of independence while knowing there was a soft warm place for me at home. I still talk of going home despite being in my late 40s.

You mentioned that you dont have any real friends, and its just you 3. This is natural as you are a single parent and may not have a lot of support. However you could end up smoothering your children and making them.feel bad for seeking independence. Thats not a slight against you but a developmemtal stage tbey should.go through. Your post about crying over old photos comes across as stiffling, you ackbowlwdge that you need help so maybe now is the time to seek help. You dont have to sacrifice yourself to give your boys a good life, you are a team and the 3 of you should flourish. Can you imagine the heart strings and potential emotional manipulation of your boys lookong at sad mam with no interests other than them , while they are startimg adult life?

I wish you and your boys the best. Now is the time for review change and action

Sorry to hear this. What happened if u don’t mind me asking? X

Thank you for your message. It really does fly and I wasn’t in all honestly ready for it to too quick like this and I wish I could turn back 2 years and do it better. Not been so rushed etc and stressed around them as I was working too then, wish I had cuddled them more etc and just been there more instead of being a stressed mad woman. I cry about it so much. I just wish I could of been better

It sounds like you're feeling bad that you didn't spend enough time appreciating your kids when they were small. Firstly, perfection doesn't exist, we don't have infinite hours in the day and I'm sure you were a great mum to them which is the important thing. But when they're late teens, do you want to be looking back at now and thinking 'oh I wish I'd appreciated when they were 9 and 12 and enjoyed that time more'.
Also, echoing others on this thread, do try and do something for yourself which isn't focused entirely on the kids, I know it must be hard to find time as a single mum but having outside interests and meeting potential friends is a really important investment for your future.

My daughter is almost 36! I walked by Santa's grotto this week and had tears in my eyes.

They are gorgeous when they are tiny! Mine are proper grown ups now, and have no interest in stories about when they were little. Sad times 😁

However, I have come to realise that these intense emotions are actually a symptom that things are out of balance, you aren’t quite well. You think you are, but you are actually slipping a little bit into unhealthy mental habits.
I suppose I’m speaking for myself, but with hindsight all sorts of things I thought were normal were actually anxiety. I was ruled by it for a while. I thought I was ‘well prepared’, ‘organised’. Actually I was anticipating catastrophe and covering all the bases just in case. It was a waste of energy, and prevented me enjoying life.

So do have a think. Check that you have a healthy balance- there is more to life than being a mum, you need work, friends and hobbies. They are a very useful backstop to help you know when things are out of kilter. You need to be mindful- enjoy the moments, smell the coffee.
You and your DC will be healthier and happier if you are!

I cry about it so much. I just wish I could of been better

@Caz86123 You have had lots of good advice on this thread, but this last sentence make me think that a visit to the GP might help. You sound depressed. Being this low about your children growing up really isn't normal.

I really didn’t enjoy DS between the ages of 12 and 16. Obvs still loved him but I didn’t feel like I connected with him the same as I did when he was younger, mostly because he needed me less and was a little shit. I got really upset that he was growing up. Then he turned 16, and I realised how amazing it was that I’d raised such a lovely young man who was now nearly an adult. He’s 17 now and I love it! I can chat to him about anything, he’s more responsible, he’s brilliant in every way. Every new age comes with new things, mostly good! It’s something to look forward to, not to dread.

It’s just so hard because for me I feel I’ve lost them, like they won’t be that 5 year old again and it went too quick