Do you have a good relationship with your MIL

[Rosemary183]

I’m curious. My relationship with mine has been full of tensions and unsaid upsets. She’s not much of a communicator and tends to try to get her feelings across to us through SILs being the messenger. She doesn’t want to change. I haven’t seen her in years and my marriage has been so much more peaceful for it. I think we’re just extremely different and see the world in different ways, but I do wonder what it would be like to get on well with a MIL.

I never had a MIL as she died before I met DH, but I do have a fabulous DIL. She’s a very patient and supportive wife to my DS, a great Mum to my DGC and a genuine friend to me. I count my blessings.

I have very little in common with mine. I also find it hard to tell whether she’s well meaning but a bit unable to pick up on what is appropriate or if she’s just outright ignoring my preferences. I had noticed, when we were in contact, that if I wanted something other than what suited her (often in the context of my preferences for family privacy or relating to DCs). She’d simply refuse to discuss the issue and would carry on as worked for her. Difficult to know if it was deliberate or not.

Same, lost mine earlier this year. She was everything my own mum never was to me.

I’ve a huge amount of time for mine! We are very different people but she has never made me feel anything but incredibly welcome, is totally selfless and so caring. She’s also completely hatstand and very entertaining on that front.

I do feel for my DP as I know that my own mum (who I adore) is much more uptight by nature and less nurturing, which probably makes him feel less welcome.

Yes, mine is lovely. We are from different cultural/religious backgrounds (and obviously are from different generations). I think we’ve both made an effort to meet each other in the middle. We also have a shared hobby and interest, which really helped us bond in the beginning.

Very fond of mine, we have a lot in common, we meet up independently of DH. He is very close to his family so we see a lot of them. I happily spend time with MIL and FIL. They are good company. They are in their 80s and still very healthy and doing things.

They were tremendously supportive of me 20 years ago when DH (very newly divorced from his wife of 20 odd years with 3 kids) - turned up with me as a completely clueless daughter in law and stepmother.

I'm very fond of her she's a lovely person for the most part. My SIL gets very irritated by her and finds her desire to help overbearing and controlling. I don't really feel that way I just let it wash over me. I think some people just have a clash of personalities even if there is no great wrong doing involved.

Mine is a sweet, generous woman but no-one is perfect and she (and FIL) can be tactless and overbearing. I met their son when I was knocking on 40, and I do think that I know myself a lot better than I did at 20, which makes me more aware that sometimes I am the problem! I would have found them so stifling when I was younger, but now I realise that I am stuck in my ways as well as her, and that as long as we both love the same people, we generally want the same overall outcomes.

Yes, agree with this it’s the same in my family. My SIL sees her as interfering and controlling. I see it as someone lonely trying to be useful & wanted plus tend to let a lot more wash over me than she does.

Yes, mine helps out more than my own mother does.
Always kind and helpful, DH got the shirt end of the stick when it comes to MILs!

I think I would say something similar about mine. She is very kind hearted but not much of a listener - in 15 years it's like she hasn't noticed that we don't have anything in common and just tries to inflict her taste in clothes/books/decor/tv/politics on me which is frustrating.

I quickly learnt that she had prioritised her career over my DH. Even leaving him in the 'care' of a physically and abusive relative which has affected him all his life. MIL broke my confidence when I asked her to keep something to herself.

I never said anything personal or private to her afterwards. She has no idea we TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and had rounds of IVF. One Christmas she started an argument and kicked us out of their house then told the rest of the family that DH and myself were the cause of all arguments in the family. Her final remark was yelling out the front door as we were packing our car- 'I want nothing to do with you, or your wedding' (which was 4mths later). I could do on and on.

DH and I were both NC for 2yrs. We have very slowly made contact, but I would never trust her or be able to have an honest conversation with her now.

No, she absolutely hates me and spends her days dragging my name through the mud. I have nothing to do with her anymore and neither does her son. His decision, but according to MIL- all my evil doing.

Same.

Mine died earlier this year. I was fond of her. We were very different people with opposing views on a lot of things and when I was younger I found her incredibly frustrating and I'm sure it was mutual. But as time went on,whilst I still disagreed with her on many things I did come to have a better understanding of her and realised that her motivations were generally good. We never saw eye to eye on everything- far from it - but we managed to get along and with time we both softened our attitudes to each other. If you'd asked me 25 years ago whether I'd miss her I would have laughed, but actually I do.

Better than with my own mother

I see her two or three times a year but it’s all very surface level. Quick chat outside the house if we’re picking/dropping something off, we’re not allowed inside because it’s such a state. I can’t remember the last time I had any meaningful conversation with her. Works for me!

Yes but she lives the other side of the world (Australia). I get 4-6 weeks intense bursts every 18months to 2 years. Most other communication is through a joint family WhatsApp group.

You could be me, this is my exact relationship with mine.

I don’t dislike her but we are very different people with different priorities, experiences and outlooks on life, so we don’t have much in common.

Yes. She’s kind and caring. A wonderful granny to DS.

My DM is dead and I’m NC with my father. One day I was really missing having a parent figure, so I asked if I could come over because of that. She bought cakes and gave me a big hug.

She has no sense of privacy about personal information though.

MIL and I never had a cross word in 29 years and I was always perfectly civil. However, we were utterly different in every way. I was privately educated and a graduate. Articulate. Bookish. Well groomed. MIL......wasn't.

I suspect she didn't particulary like or approve of me, but I couldn't have cared less. She didn't feature on my radar, at all, unless she was physically in my presence, and I've barely thought about her since she died 5 years ago.

Still baffles me to this day how she could have given birth to DH.

Mine passed away 5 years agp. Not a day passes where I dont think of her and miss her. She was amazing. I miss her more than my mother as mil was an active part of our lives. My mum chose not to be.

Mine is amazing! I always joke that she was part of the reason I got married because I love her so much. I lost my own mum when I was 24 so I don’t know if that made a difference but she is lovely!

Some lovely comments from people here. It’s so nice to hear some positivity. Wish I could have had this with my MIL. Felt very much like a last resort to go NC.