AIBU to not want my and day spoiled by naughty nephew?

[Jollyvibes]

Hey,

I know I’m probably being a diva so please be blunt with me!

we have ended up hosting some of dh’s family for Christmas dinner this year. No issue with that, however this includes dh’s sister, her DH and their ds 5- our nephew.

nephews behaviour is appalling - rude, defiant, screams, hits and generally creates absolute chaos everywhere he goes. His parents are big part of the problem imo as they are way too tolerant and well on egg shells around him, however I guess that’s their business.

So… I’m a bit pissed off that my Christmas Day was an almost certainly going to involve some of his behaviour, I enjoy Christmas and really need the break this year. Aibu to not want to have to put up with this on Xmas day

why have you been landed with this? If you have dc of your own, have your Christmas morning and early afternoon. Tell them that they can come over for 4pm, have all the food ready and tip them out at 6!😆

Oh and by have the food ready, I mean dh should have it ready!

Well YANBU to be pissed off at the thought of the demon child coming and destroying the Christmas ambience and merriment. However it's a bit hard to say he can't come if your SIL and BIL and him have already been invited. I don't envy you. No advice though sorry. (Apart from asking his parents to please control him, or they will have to leave.)

Good luck!

Yabu its family and its one day you can have a nice relaxed Christmas on boxing day

Tell him he will get a present only if he’s good

I understand that may be annoying but you have agreed to host dh family. Not sure what you can do about it now. Have dinner a bit later so they arent there as long? Arrange a quiet space he can go watch a movie or something?

So because its family, the op should have to tolerate and host a chaotic Christmas?

I really don't get this notion at all. Maybe if they arent invited and question why, they may actually realise they need to buck up their ideas and actually parent their child.

Don’t put up with it then. If he starts to create, and the parents don’t intervene, then you intervene. Your house, your rules. If he’s rude, pull him up out etc.

“In our house, we don’t do that.”

I know there’s always someone who has to bring it up…but do you think he is neurodivergent?

If his behaviour is THAT bad that you think he’ll actually ruin your day (rather than be a bit of an annoyance), well that’s not typical.

Either way, I don’t think you’ll make things any better by following other people’s suggestions of trying to lay down the law on you IL’s behalf.

So he needs parenting, obviously.

Explain to his parents that they are welcome, but if DN finds the whole thing too much (screaming, running around) then the dinner will finish early.

Put the responsibility on them, rather than you.

Because ultimately, he is their responsibility.

Make sure you have somewhere you can have a time out if behaviour gets too much for you.

Also: make sure there is somewhere that nephew can have a time out, and be clear before the day with your DH and his family that this will be used so that the day will not be ruined by bad behaviour

When did you last see him? He is now school age so if you haven’t seen him for a few weeks he just may have grown up a bit

We had a situation ... not Chistmas ... where our good friends spoiled their child beyond your wildest imagination and every time we met it was sheer hell ... and very difficult for our own children who were expected to behave properly and had to watch this wretched child getting away with blue murder.
At the table she had to be served first and if she wanted all the veg in the serving dish then her parents gave them to her .... even though everyone knew she would not eat them and there was nothing left for the rest of us. If she did not get her own way she would scream the place down. It was a nightmare.
You have all my sympathy.

Will there be other children there? I’d create some activities that can serve as distractions. Christmas films and snacks ready, Christmas crafts, decorating chocolates, a room set up as a time out snug.

I will always do a 'we don't do that in this house tarquin, divert attention to something else' can be adapted for specifics 'we don't jump on the sofa in this house, it's not soft play, why don't you play with your xyz' if the parents won't intervene it's my house and my family's Christmas too, so I will.

Ask santa for some earplugs for Xmas.... help with a little bit of the problem child? Ug, sorry OP, not fun. Children suffering with badparentitis are no fun to be around.

Because its dh family and his house to so its not for op to ban his family plus shes already invited them.

What do you mean by you’ve ended up hosting? If you don’t want to host them then don’t. If you know you won’t be able to tell him to knock it off if he starts being a pain without major fall out you know you’re going to have a shit day so it’s just daft to go along with it.

Did you tolerate this more than once? Has she mellowed or is she still a nightmare?

This is what I say whenever a parent in my house is allowing their child’s behaviour to get out of hand.

If it was every consecutive year I'd say you could say no. But I think this is your first time am I right? If so then YABU. It seems a bit bad minded to be complaining about doing something once. Your inlaws are your family and that includes your nephew. If you have a child someday you will expect your child to be included too. And dont be so smug to think your child will be better behaved either, you don't know. I agree with PP that it's your house your rules. Children need to be told really specifically what is and isn't acceptable, it's ok to tell DN in this house we don't throw cushions etc. You don't need to be angry when you say it just factual. Maybe take him aside soon after be arrives and give him some jobs and tell him what he should do in terms of acceptable behaviour. Eg this will be your chair and you must let the grown ups talk etc. It may not work and he may misbehave but then it's ok to gently berate him. I don't think its fair to wait for the parents to control every aspect of behaviour in another's house, they also need guidance on what is and is not acceptable for your house. Also check in with them about food, make sure its something he likes and there is a special treat if he behaves. Have a kids movie or something set up for him and maybe some toys. Have a quiet area for him to chill out. The more occupied and happy he is the less trouble.

This.

I’d get him out of the house before lunch.

So, imagine that they arrive at 11. One of you finishes cooking, the other takes all of the guests for a walk or a trip to the playground. Try to time it so lunch is ready when you walk back in the door, and not too late so he doesn’t get hungry.

Then I would put a Christmas movie on for him after lunch so that adults can relax and chat.

In general kids are better behaved outdoors and when they’re watching screens.

It is typical if the parents don’t parent him.