AIBU to not want my and day spoiled by naughty nephew?

[Jollyvibes]

Hey,

I know I’m probably being a diva so please be blunt with me!

we have ended up hosting some of dh’s family for Christmas dinner this year. No issue with that, however this includes dh’s sister, her DH and their ds 5- our nephew.

nephews behaviour is appalling - rude, defiant, screams, hits and generally creates absolute chaos everywhere he goes. His parents are big part of the problem imo as they are way too tolerant and well on egg shells around him, however I guess that’s their business.

So… I’m a bit pissed off that my Christmas Day was an almost certainly going to involve some of his behaviour, I enjoy Christmas and really need the break this year. Aibu to not want to have to put up with this on Xmas day

@MsMarch we're probably both projecting from our own experience as the OP hasn't actually said very much!

I think we're both agreeing though that I would expect the host to be able to set and enforce as necessary basic "house rules" - like a bedroom being out of bounds. Particularly stuff where the rules are likely to differ from home to home. "Sorry DN, these beds aren't for bouncing on" - totally fine.

I just think relying on "we don't do that in this house" for general standards of behaviour can strike the wrong tone.

It's really hard to navigate because, as you know from your own experience you're not just thinking about the child's behaviour and feelings but the parents as well. What you'd do for with your own children or even if you're babysitting them without the parent present isn't necessarily what's appropriate with a parent around. It can be a fine line between being supportive and sending out the message that you don't think they can parent.

Rope in grandparents/DH/whoever to act as wrangler.

If it all gets too much, get hold of the kid and tell him that this is YOUR house and YOUR rules, and he is to do as he is jolly well told or he won't be allowed to come round your house any more. Don't stand for any nonsense.

You’ve “ended up” hosting? Well either you offered or you didn’t. If you offer to host, and your family is one which customarily spends the day at the house of the host, then suck it up. Or change your mind so you aren’t hosting (still plenty of time). But either way, if you dislike your 5 year old nephew to the level your post indicates, you’d still have to “put up with” him even at someone else’s house. Maybe time for your immediate family to have a smaller Christmas Day just together at home?

I think invoking the parent can be pretty useful (and not just in pass-agg way!) but you have to be on the same page about behavioural expectations AND not threaten something the parent isn't going to follow through on.

I've had things like "Stop that, if your mummy sees you getting your clothes dirty like that she'll take you home from the park!" - actually I'm totally cool with them getting muddy, I've got spare clothes in the car no big deal!

Yes yabu He's your nephew, do you spend anytime with him, play games with him make an effort? You can tell him off if he's being naughty in fact if they are struggling they might appreciate the help rather than the judgement.

That's true. I'm feeling particularly frustrated and increasingly angry about DN right now and the way poor parenting is exacerbating all of his challenges, not helped by the resst of the family taking a "well, it is what it is?" shoulder-shrugging/arms in the air sort of approach. It's driving me mad. To the point where I've been trying to work out if I should actually be reporting them to social services. But that feels liek the nuclear option. So...!

This is what screentime was invented for. Stick him in the corner with an iPad or TV and enjoy the peace. Presumably his parents will also want to be enjoying Christmas and catching up with adults so they won't be too bothered about keeping him entertained.

There are plenty of games for kids around 5yrs that don't require reading. Download a few and preload them onto an iPad, or download Youtube Kids and let him watch on your phone. Honestly, if the alternative is him screeching the house down on Christmas Day or breaking your stuff, then those few hours won't make any difference in the bigger picture.

Agree with all of this.

I often find I feel caught between feeling I have to peformatively take them to task over minor things I'd let slide at home and not wanting to spoil the vibe by activating my army major disciplinarian mode.

Discipline him yourself. I would. If he's in my house, he toes the line. Be really stern with him. Parents complain, point out the door and tell them if they won't control him, to leave.

Exactly Two words ..................occupiers liability.

Are potential aunts and uncles getting more of say in the conception and being consulted about it? Good to know

Why did you agree to host your SIL's family?

What on earth are you talking about? Do you not spend time with your nephews and nieces then?? I used to take my nieces out all the time when they were little. My aunt used to look after us before and after school when we were little. We are close to our cousins. Maybe people elsewhere don't care about their extended family, I find that very odd. If this were my brother / sister I'd be trying to help them out if they were struggling with thier kids behaviour not being judgemental.

My niece is now thirty. Of course i spent time with her but im sick of parents expecting relatives to put up with bad behaviour when those relatives got no say in the conception at all. You see exactly the same with childcare expectations. The village is now just free childcare. It used to also be making sure children behaved...................i dont need to go on because some of the comments on here have proved my point beautifully.

Yeah i couldnt really do school drop offs and pick ups as i had this strange thing called work that i had to attend. Plus im child free by choice so didnt get all the family friendly polices from employers that parents get................oh wait have employers extended that to include aunts and uncles now 🙄

that is a bit over the top. Just because i don't want bad behaviour it doesn't mean i don't want to see my family.

People on here are so ready to let other people's bratty kids ruin events. It is baffling.

I suspect you haven't had the worst experiences hence the binary thinking, but actually, I broadly agree with you and while it's quite hard to make anyone leave in real life, I have got up and walked out with my DC on two separate occassions when I felt things at SIL's house were not okay, and not being addressed correctly. DH and I have also put boundaries in place (that SIL HATES but, you know, tough) around him coming here under certain conditions.

I would have no hesitation in saying sil/bil please deal with xxx and ask him not to yyyyy, on repeat. I would also be happy say8ng direct to the child please dont do xxxxxand if the parents don’t like it would simply say the child is spoiling the day for everyone else

pussy footing around isn’t going to get anywhere, they need to be told

you have no idea what experiences i have had.

Suffice to say this is why i am very clear with children, and their parents, if they create havoc in my home

Read and repeat....
"If I expect children to be
kind, gentle, compassionate,
and respectful, I must be kind,
gentle, compassionate, and
respectful. Children do not
listen to the instruction of
hypocrites; it is your actions
that guide their actions, not
your lectures or punishment."

A child not appearing to enjoy
themselves is not bad behaviour.
Christmas Day and social events can be
stressful and overstimulating for many
adults and kids without the added
pressure to appear happy and cheerful
all day. Expect some bad moods and
big feelings-it's normal!

Christmas is alllll about the children in most houses...

So family are only invited if they have well behaved children? So much for unconditional family love at Christmas.

My house, my rules! I wouldn't have an issue in politely saying to the child 'James, we don't jump on the furniture in this house, why don't you play with X'. Be polite but firm. If he continues say to your BIL or SIL 'Please can you stop James from jumping up and down on our sofa'. I wouldn't ignore poor behaviour. Pull the child up on it and refer it to his parents. You shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour in your home. Your BIL and SIL don't parent their child, because it's easier for them, not too.

You’re only meant to have unconditional love for your own children.

I wouldn’t host in your shoes. You’re not remotely in the right mindset to host. You’re very likely to ruin everyone’s Christmas and no one will forget it. Just bow out now. Most people love to host children at Christmas and want to make it as magical as possible. You’re seeing your own nephew as vermin to be dealt with. If you order a 5 year old out of your house on Christmas then there’s really no coming back from that.

I had a friend who was like this with her kid. Especially at mealtimes, she’d give the 5 year old a huge portion of the food even though she never ate it and then screech all the way through, eat your mash and peas X, oh X you love mash and peas don’t you.

Meanwhile, no fucking mash left for the rest of us while Princess X slaps a plastic spoon in it whilst eating nothing.