Handing in my notice tomorrow…

[BurntOutHag]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in Work/Health/AIBU etc - so sorry if it’s in the wrong place!

I wondered if anyone had any gentle advice or soothing words for me, or maybe just a ‘yeah, go for it!’…as I am totally frazzled and finding it hard to think straight.

Short-ish version: I am handing in my notice tomorrow with no job to go to.

Children’s social care manager, 49 yrs old, been doing this role for about 10 years, utterly burnt out.

Over the past year things at work have become unmanageable. The usual shit - cuts to services, staff shortages, people off sick left, right and centre with stress., relentless high workload. I am a ‘high performer’ and my area is apparently ‘Outstanding’ following recent inspection…but this is all at great personal cost.

I have been constantly ill for 18 months - UTIs, migraines, flu, shingles. My blood pressure is now very high despite being on the low side my entire life and being tee-total, non smoker, slim, fairly active. My whole body aches and I’m having physiotherapy for neck issues caused by stress. I’m perimenopausal, so there is that, but I am not experiencing any of the extreme symptoms of that - sleep is OK (but struggle to get enough working 10-12 hours days) and I haven’t lost my confidence, still feel capable.

I just feel I have hit a wall. I come home at night and I feel physically and mentally exhausted to the point I can’t really speak. All I can do is sit in silence staring at the telly but not really taking it in, until it’s time to sleep. I’m not prepared to ‘go off sick’ as the stakes are so high in my sector and I just cannot do that to my colleagues or service users…but I cannot go on like this and I cannot see myself going into my 50s living like this.

DH has wanted me to jack it in for a couple of years, as he worries about my health. He could comfortably support us indefinitely, but I don’t want that…but a year off? Time to re-set and decide how I am going to live a less insane life going into old age? It’s a no brainer, isn’t it?

Last minute crisis of confidence. I realise I am very lucky that DH is able to support me for a bit and is supportive. I can’t think of a single reason to stay apart from my pension, which isn’t great anyway and I’m sure could be worked out when I have more headspace to think about alternative ways of earning money….but it’s scary!

What do you reckon? Would you do it?

Yes, your health has to come first. Your body physically has run out of stream and mentally you are burnt out. You aren't recovering from illnesses because you are so run down, your immune system can't pick itself back up. Hand your notice in, take that year off, reset yourself physically and mentally. There's absolutely no shame in admitting you've had enough.

Sounds like the right thing to do. I will say though, UTIs and migraines can all be perimenopause symptoms. Just because youre not having hot flushes that youre not in peri.

Your body is telling you it can’t take any more. I hope you’ve put an end to gambling with your health, found a way (sick leave or resignation) to turn your back on the stress, and have completely silenced any thoughts about who you’ve left behind. Have zero regrets and trust your wise and caring husband. Life is for living, not existing on an empty battery.

I'm in a similar situation, currently working my notice with no job to go to and have told work I'm 'retiring'. (62yo).
I got to the stage where I felt I couldn't do another day, let alone another winter. So I've been wading through 2 months' notice, occasionally wondering if I was rash, and thinking about the things and people I'll miss. Worrying whether I'll spend the rest of my days lolling about in bed (like I do most weekends currently).
It's not that I have more money than I know what to do with, but I recently inherited a small lump sum and think I can manage (I have virtually no pension). I reached the point where I thought I'd rather have the time than my salary.
I considered going off sick but I can't lie, am too conscientious and would worry a lot about work building up/people resenting my absence/feeling like a shirker/having to face colleagues at various stages.
Sounds like you feel the same way, so do what you have to do give yourself a break from that job.

I was like you about 20 years ago. Same thing, OH was earning enough to support us - he worked away a lot and I had two teenagers. Work was making me ill. I took a break and it was lovely but I eventually got bored with being at home - there are only so many cupboards you can sort out! I found a local, part-time job which filled a gap (and brought in some extra money) and eventually saw a brilliant job advertised which I applied for and got. Had a very happy ten years doing that. Only left because we were relocating.

You have a supportive husband and it sounds like the finances are manageable. Go for it - and get signed off sick for your notice period if you need to.

You won't regret it. Good luck. Hope you start to feel better soon. I felt as is the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

How did I it go OP. - did you resign? I am a social work manager too. I spent the first 23 yrs of my career as a social worker/ manager in Adults and recently moved to Children’s. Totally different ball game and a lot more regulation and standards. You could still use your social work qualification and experience by transferring to Adults. It’s a different beast and a change is as good as a rest.

if I felt like you did I would probably resign - have a period of time and look for related roles where you can still use your skills and experience.

yes affects on pension and loss of continuous service a bit of a blow.

I am like you in that I would not want to go off sick and pride myself on being pretty resilient. But in my last role I had done it for 6 years and just could not hack it any more.

I think moving to a different Council could help as not so much baggage and feeling burn out by change.

or you could consider an independent role?

Sounds like perimenopause to me. Do some research on it. Talk to your doc about it. Consider hormone replacement therapy, it could give you your mojo back.

I was in a very similar situation. I went off sick for a month but just spent the entire time worrying about going back. I did go back, nothing changed and i resigned with no job to go to 3 months later. It took me 6 months to feel myself again, the first month i was just emotionally and physically drained. Gradually got into a better place but it took a while for my confidence to come back to apply for new stuff. Like you, DH had been telling me to resign for months as he could see I was in such a state. It was tough financially but we sold my car, cut down on outgoings and used some savings to supplement DHs salary. It was the best thing i've ever done for myself, my only regret is that I didnt do it earlier- i'd become someone i didnt recognise.Good luck x

Sorry, I have not read the other posts in this thread but I wanted to pop in and suggest that you go on sick leave for exhaustion/stress. That will give you some time to think and plan next steps. Good luck.

if you can afford it do it. I was you 8 years ago. working in a toxic environment with an a hole of a boss and even worse top manager. I never had a break constant checking emails after work logging on at weekend and on the phone. even when took time off would be working. I never switched off. then we had a death in the family. I was off for two weeks went back and after about 2 months was sinking in grief. I took a day off for my birthday and got a snotty voicemail from my boss that there was too many people off taht days and he was retracting my request. I cried but didn't go in. didn't sleep Sunday night was an anxiety fest. I realised that as I was driving to work I was think about crashing my car so didn't have to go in. one day sat woth my husband and work our finances like you had to give three months notice but with my notice period that ensured I was entitled to the bonus and I had huge annual leave ( as wasn't able to take it off ) so worked out after I left would have equivalent three months wages. also here in Ireland I was entitled ti sign on if approved( luckily it was) as soon as handed in I was happier I did the bare minimum- coudmbt give a shite and some of my colleagues were bitches - went in late finished early - my boss never said anything to me - worse was he left just after me. I slept for 2 months rested at home for another two months then went job hunting. now wasn't easy. interviewing job hunting etc takes so much time. but managed to get a temp job and now on my current job. it's in the same field as previous job but so less stressful nicer team and boss. I realised now don't wnat to move up no progression etc. I want an easy life and get paid OK money for it.

You are sick, your job situation has impacted your health. Get signed off sick, and then if you decide in a few weeks or months to leave, hand in your notice. They’ll be used to you not being in work by then and you can usually ask to leave early if you want to without working full notice.

just check sickness policy and look after yourself while you recover and decide on next steps.

good luck op x

Please prioritise yourself, your health and mental wellbeing come first. You sound absolutely at the end of the road in your current job. I am glad you have such a lovely supportive DH. Please don't feel guilty, life is so short and you shouldn't have to feel like this doing your job. Take care and best wishes for a better future x

If you really don't want to go off sick then I say definitely do it. Fuck the whole thing off and take some time to regroup. I could see it being more beneficial to have a clean break and the chance to enjoy your down time guilt free, so I wouldn't be drawn into going on sick leave unless you absolutely needed the money.

Routing for you op. It sounds like a great decision and please let us know how it goes 💪

Go for it. They don’t care about you and just want their pound and a half of flesh with no gratitude. Leave!

Hi OP, I hope you managed to do it. I got to the same point with teaching three years ago. I said to DH ‘I don’t think I can do this any more.’ And he said ‘No I know, I don’t think you can, when do you want to hand your notice in?’ He had spent several years picking me up and encouraging me when I thought I couldn’t do it any longer and helping me to keep going but he saw what it was doing to me and just knew it had to stop.

I finished the school year and then spent weeks and weeks just recovering. I slept better than I had in years and just took my time over everything. We were very fortunate that we didn’t need my salary so I could take my time to recover. I left thinking I might go back to teaching supply but after a few weeks knew I wasn’t going to do that.

For the past three years I’ve volunteered in a non-teaching role where I support families and individuals who have had difficulties in various areas. I love it and have found that I have acquired plenty of transferable skills where you wouldn’t expect them. Better still I have proper time and head space to give to my DH, family and friends. I was a stressed out mess and now I actually enjoy life. I hope you can find the same.

How did you get on? Same role and sector, can see this happening fairly soon to my colleagues. It is not a long term position.

Just wanted to offer some support. I'm the same age. It's perimenopous and it's fucking brutal.

I hope today went ok for you @BurntOutHag
I wanted to say that although you think some of your health issues are not menopause related, some actually could be (UTIs, migraine), so it might be worth seeing the GP.
The other thing I wanted to say was have you read the book ""Five Regrets of the Dying?" I appreciate that this is extreme, but it might help you to zoom out and see work from a different perspective. One of the regrets is about working too much.
Look after yourself OP.

Don't resign! Take the generous sickness option ( in the NHS 6 months full pay, 6 months half pay) and while off get union help t consider your options! You can DM me for more advice if you like.

If it were me Id get signed off sick, just because with this level of burn out I wouldnt want to make a decison.

Get a longish (6 week sick note) rest, recuperate and decide once you feel a little better if youre sure about quitting. And if you are absolutely go for it

I've only just seen your thread.

What did you end up doing today?

I understand you feeling guilty about your team & clients, but think about your DH & your family. They love you & want you to be around, you need to prioritise your health & MH.

your husband can & us happy to support you both. Resign, take some time then decide on the way forward. There are other ways to use your skills & knowledge!

Fellow Social Worker here, go for it. You will not be short of opportunities when you're ready to return to work. Recoup and live a little. The emotional drain in social work is immense, I was similar to you, I did nothing after work. I was just so emotionally drained that I had nothing left to give to my family and friends. It was only when I went on maternity leave that it really hit me how I'd lost myself and had been living in a constant state of anxiety. I'm part time now which really helps as I have extra time to decompress.

I was you (different job, same burnout). Don’t dismiss the impact of being peri-menopausal. In hindsight (12 years down the line) it really impacted how I coped with things and no-one talked about it then. I had young teenage kids at the time and ended up off longterm sick. To add to my situation I had the boss from hell - senior management world class bully (as agreed by the C.E. At the time). I ended up off long-term sick with workplace stress and my kids described it as my disappearing into my room for 9 months. I lost those 9 months and remember nothing at all about them. Thought I was functioning normally and could not see the worry and concern of my family and friends. Came out of it, left my job and never looked back. It was tough but I found another job that I am still in and love, with a boss and colleagues who let me heal. If you don’t take the time off to allow yourself to heal you are harming yourself and your family. It is time to put yourself first and to listen to your body and your mind.

All of those saying go sick you do realise that that stays on your medical records and that when occupational health ask for a report for the next job they’ll see that ?
Additionally this is why this country is on its knees not because of a few single parents claiming benefits thousands and thousands of people rinsing the NHS/public services for three grand a month and not performing any kind of role.