Is anyone else a disappointment to their parents?

[HangingOver]

I see so many people on MN and IRL who say "as long as my child is happy, I don't mind", which is lovely.

However I also know a lot of people my age who either know of suspect they're a disappointment to their own folks, usually career/aspiration-wise.

Is this a generational thing, or do people not usually admit it or are just me and my friends very disappointing haha

I like to think my parents are proud of me. Same for my friendship group. Is it a cultural thing?

Oh yeah I definitely was. I think at 34 I've finally achieved the status of "not a complete embarrassment to the family" lmao, but I know my mam wanted more for me than what I ended up doing for most of my 20's.

I think everyone is a disappointment to
their parents really. I’ve had phenomenal career success but my parents (whilst proud of that aspect) are disappointed that I live in the city centre not near them in the suburbs and that I have only one child.

Yes me.

my parents said to me as well in the car to my grandma’s funeral that I’d disappointed her by “wasting” my education.

I was devastated.

(went to Cambridge but am disabled and really struggled in the job market)

I was a disappointment to mine. I was caste as the black sheep. Not sure why, never got in trouble at school or with boys. It culminated in being disinhereted, now that was a shock.

I'm sorry to hear that. How do you feel about it now?

I oscillate between minding very much and reasoning that I disagree with my Dad on loads of things so it stands to reason what I think is a life well lived won't match his ideas.

Its hard to know since me and my friends amount to a small sample! However with respect to my family I think social mobility might have something to do with it. DM and DF were the first ones in generations to make any money, I was the first one to go to university.

Definitely but I think it’s more a reflection on the parents than on the child.

Yeah I'm definately a disappointment. Won't go into too much detail in case I out myself but I'm the black sheep, no real career path, needed financial help, overweight... Completely different to my sibling.... AND PROUD OF IT!! Glad I don't fit the mould (mold?) they try to fit me in

Certainly was. I wish I'd been born a few decades later when parents praised and boosted their kids more.
As a child I was always told 10/10 wasn't good enough in spellings, Grade As were not good enough,
my piano solo was not good enough
and so it continued for 30 years.
No pride ever shown in my efforts.

Yes but for different reasons. My brother died and I feel very much compared to him and what he would have achieved. My Dad struggles to hide his dismay that his favourite child died; the one that was practical snd sporty and had a career that he understood, and he was left with the slightly disappointing one. He doesn't really know what I do or care what I'm up to.

I had a twin sister who died at 7 months. I know I’m a disappointment to my mother because she can only experience love if she is able to provide complete care to someone. My sister would have been profoundly disabled, and I am very independent. Go figure. I am early 40s and the closest I get to praise is “you’re not a disappointment but….”

But, as a PP said, I can now understand that this disappointment is their failing, not mine. The damage, though, is already done.

I’m 54 and hav always felt loved by my parents. I was never told I love you by them explicitly past childhood though. They just didn’t say that but I felt it. I wasn’t a high achiever , did A levels, dropped one! Have never been career focussed but always worked and was able to buy a house with my DH aged 25( the 90s) and had a lovely family together. To my parents that was success. So sorry to those who have been told awful things.

No. They are a disappointment to me.

I am very loved but I am sure my mum thinks I wasted my education and she’s never told me she is proud of me. Neither did I have any real life guidance except that I was to get a degree and have a successful career in something acceptable.

This is very similar to me.

mum and dad came from mining families, no money.

dad did well for himself, mum didn’t work, sent me to private school. Parents split up, mum remarried and continued to not work.

I went to uni, and have worked ever since uni. Have a nice house, nice husband, nice kids. One modest holiday a year.

But mum, from her humble beginnings, seemed to have big plans for me, and what I’ve achieved isn’t enough for her. Despite her having no real idea about what my job is or what I earn. And despite her having not worked a day in her life.

I hear people say they just want to be happy and genuinely think this doesn’t feature in my mums thoughts.

she’d be happier / less disappointed in me if I

a) worked myself to the bone in a high powered job, meaning I had no time for a husband or kids and was miserable but rich, or

b) was a stay at home mum to a rich husband regardless of whether or not he was kind or a good husband.

She’s very money orientated, despite being too lazy and / or stupid to ever earn any herself. She felt that sending me to private school should have guaranteed me a lucrative career….despite the fact that my life at home offered me none of the experiences or advantages that tend to go along with private school (eg I was never given the change to play a musical instrument or learn how to ski, have no family in professional careers etc. my mum didn’t ever take me to museums or encourage sport or anything like that. She expected great things from me but I think she thought that school would provide everything like that. And it didn’t. It wasn’t a boarding school. I was like a fish out of water and very much out of my depth being thrust into the private school at age 13 from a background where I had no experience of anything really as we just weren’t from that world. She could have made it easier for me to navigate this but she didn’t, she just left me to it and then was disappointed in me when I got things wrong, or wasn’t the lead in the school play, or the star of the hockey team etc.)

I am very much so. I was not the child my mother thinks she deserved.

Oh God yes, a huge disappointment! I never went to university, am not interested in marriage, don't have children, am a couple of stone overweight and am currently out of work, all of which is very shameful.

So... Here's the follow up question to those with DC (especially adult DC) how has being a disappointment affected how you feel about your own kids life choices? Is their happiness the main thing or do you have micro disappointments but keep schtum? No judgement from me I just think it's interesting.

Yes, funnily enough I went to a private school for a bit too but mainly made friends with the scholarship kids and the staff.

My DF is definitely of the "You should work every hour god sends even if you're miserable because that's what I did" school of thought!

Am a big disappointment to my mother but that's OK because the sun shines out of my brother's backside.

Was also told by my 90 year old grandmother that her friends in the care home didn't believe we were related as I am 6ft tall and overweight and she was tiny (and mean).

Same here. It's a bit shit, really, never feeling good enough whatever you do. I'm over 60 now, and it still hurts a bit. I'd love, just once, for them to say they're proud of me, but it won't happen. Fortunately, I'm really proud of myself and I've made sure my own DC know I'm proud of them.

Well.

i have two children who I have raised to adulthood and who don’t hate me. I consider that a win.

i taught in schools for twenty years and passed my knowledge on to thousands of children. I remember many of them very fondly and I still live in the area I taught in so I see some of them round and about and it’s lovely to catch up with them. I’m proud of my teaching.

i taught from a wheelchair for many many years, and have also got out and about in it and taken part in many activities. Often I’m the only disabled person there - choirs, brass bands, recorder groups, open water swimming. I like to think that I have in some small way by being present in a public space as a wheelchair user I’ve helped normalise disability.

I’m more disabled than I used to be so I don’t get out as much as I used to, but yes, I’m proud of my life.

my parents (and grandparents) wanted me to be a high flying - well, they didn’t really care what as long as they could boast about it. High court judge, prime minister, that sort of thing.

i was never well enough for that but I like to think I’ve contributed, and I’m happy with my life.

I also think it's possible to be disappointed in some aspects and not others. I think my Dad's proud of me being clever and that I can make people, including him, laugh. But the work thing...

When me and DBro picked him up from the hospital after a proceedure he told us exactly what he thought of our career choices!