Is anyone else a disappointment to their parents?

[HangingOver]

I see so many people on MN and IRL who say "as long as my child is happy, I don't mind", which is lovely.

However I also know a lot of people my age who either know of suspect they're a disappointment to their own folks, usually career/aspiration-wise.

Is this a generational thing, or do people not usually admit it or are just me and my friends very disappointing haha

Yes. I’ve achieved all sorts of good things over my 6 decades but in none of them have I ever felt worthwhile in their eyes. They’re still here, I’m still not good enough.
(and they wonder why their other child has gone completely NC with the whole family, for over 20 years)

Everything I've ever done has been a big disappointment to my parents. They haven't approved of one decision I've ever made. "Whatever will we tell people?!" in a mumsnetter pearl clutching manner, was echoed repeatedly. We no longer speak.

(And I mean basic lifestyle choices like getting divorced, remaining single, going to uni and running a business.)

I feel I probably was to my parents (who are long dead). I wasn’t particularly academic, my dad in particular would’ve liked me to have done better in school (although he died after I did my GCSEs). My mum saw me succeed more in life which was good, I was a longer-for baby they had later in life due to fertility issues and I feel that a lot of expectations were put on me if that makes sense.

As for my DCs, I am a bit disappointed that DD didn’t make the most of her academic abilities post-A level and did a degree that is going to be very hard to make a career out of. She is currently working in retail post-graduation. I’m hoping that does lead to a career in terms of becoming a shop manager at least! Her happiness is paramount to me, but I can see her getting too busy with her retail job and not putting the effort in to launching her ‘actual’ career.

Also her political views have become quite extreme far-left and thst is more disappointing to us. We maintain good relations by not discussing politics! i think a lot of this comes from not fitting in at school, being ND and ‘captured’ at uni. She’s pushing against her upbringing I think (we are historical Labour voters!).

Having said all that we do get on v well. I’m always interested in her life, how her job is going, her friends and relationships. She doesn’t live at home but comes back fairly regularly as time off allows.

i think my disappointment comes from my own ‘issues’/upbringing/social milieu and I’m aware
of that, which is good.

What a sad thread.

💐 for those of you with horrible parents.
My parents were proud of us and said so, and DH and I are immensely proud of DD who has achieved so much in spite of setbacks. We tell her how proud we are of her all the time.

Parents have been disappointed in their children since time began! Nothing new there.

I always felt I was initially, young mum, broken relationship and I didn’t go into a career that was seen as good (childcare)

Now, at the ripe old age of 45, I finally feel that they probably view me as having done alright. Two DS’s who are absolute gems, were fairly comfortably off and DS1 is hopefully going to graduate next summer in business economics which my Dad deems as being adequate

@familyissues12345 If you don't mind me asking, what do you do for your career now? Are you still in childcare? I was nannying but the roles seem to have dried up and I wouldn't mind something in a related field that has me 'fairly comfortably off'!

This is unfortunately relatable. It sucks.

My parents are openly critical of myself and one sibling' lives (not the other sibling who can do no wrong). They have a very fixed view of how one should live one's life, and basically any deviation from this is wrong and means you are a complete failure.

With my own adult children, I have tried hard to accept that there are many roads and no correct route and that I do not criticise their decisions. I haven't always got it right (too much ingrained upbringing) but I have reflected and apologised when I have spoken out of turn. I think the more I've done this, the more I've realised that actually their decisions are good ones, and that they are actually better placed to live their lives than I am.

Do you have children (particularly younger children) yourself, OP? With me, I really started caring about my parents constant criticism and disappointment when they started showing it to my children about their lives - I was so used to it for myself, that I guess I almost didn't notice, but they didn't get to treat my children like that (and I also ended up going NC for the same reason).

I was a disappointment from birth with my dad simply for being a girl, they already had 2 boys and went on to have 2 more. People would assume I was the apple of his eye, the spoiled little girl but in reality I was the the one sent away to school, sent away in the holidays to relatives because “I needed time away from the boys I was too boyish”. My mum and I were close but dad ruled the roost so that was that. Right up until he died the boys came first.

my children I love with all my heart. My only disappointment with them is that life is sooo hard for them. Money is tight for my son,my DD is struggling to conceive. I thought times were hard when I was raising them, I worked full time and money was ok but not plentiful. But it was easy compared to their time. They have good jobs, lovely partners, nice homes. But everything seems such a struggle, not what I wanted for them at all.

I guess I'm trying to reach a point where I genuinely don't care, but I'm not there yet.

I finally reached that point in my 30s when dm said something so utterly nasty and disparaging, that it made me do a sort of audit of us both.

She'd married and had babies (her preferred path) but had wasted her life being treated badly by a misogynistic man. Raised 6 children in poverty. She's been unhappy for decades yet done nothing about it, even when we offered to help her leave.

I'd not married, but had a career, travelled the world, had lots of fun, paid my own way, bought my own house, saved my own pension, raised one child in comfort and love. My ds knows I have complete faith in him, I am endlessly proud of him, and I am always here for him.

I concluded dm was either envious or bitter or both, but whatever it was, it wasn't me. And then I put it to bed. I hope you get there too OP x

No I’m definitely not a disappointment, but my parents aren’t proud of me for the things I am! My parents would have been thrilled if I just married, had kids, and got a basic job in my hometown. I have done the former part, but also moved away, have a good career, and the financial ability to travel, have a lovely home etc etc. That does not impress them at all, in fact I think my dad is a bit bitter about it, and they’d have preferred I didn’t move. So yeah, I think they’re proud of my family, but could take or leave my other ‘success’. I personally hope my children manage what we have as I know it makes life much easier to be happier!

Sorry you have had to deal with this too. I feel like an idiot even complaining about it, because its so much more subtle than some of the horrible outright comments other people have to put up with.

For most of my life yes, I don’t think my DF was at
all proud of me. But I think it’s partly because he’s entirely self-absorbed and inherently selfish. Now he’s very old he tells me all the time how proud he is of me, mostly because I’ve got a fancy job title. My mother is pure, unconditional love so pride in accomplishments never featured. DF simply wasn’t engaged my education, relationships, or career as I wasn’t in his eyes hitting the high notes on any front - in fact when he did take notice, it was to be quite cutting and dismissive. There was a lot of negative comparisons with my older siblings who were academically more able - funny how this has dragged on into adulthood life. I do think it impacted my confidence until my 30’s. Now I really don’t care. It’s made me very vigilant around my own parenting.

Yes, I was very much a disappointment to my parents. I’m happily married, I have a successful career, I volunteer with several charities, I have good friends, overall I don’t think I’m a bad human. My feckless, unemployed, entitled brother? Golden child. I scattered my parents ashes at the weekend and joked that it was my last chance to disappoint them.

This is a really interesting thread. I always felt a disappointment to my dad but that was mainly because he was never around and so I felt he simply didn’t care for me and somehow that was due to who I was or what I’d done (or not done). Obviously I can see now that it was nothing at all to do with me and more his own issues and depression.

So, on to the how-do-you-treat-your-own children bit. Ultimately everyone says they just want their children to be happy. And for the most part that’s true. But it is still possible to see your child happy and feel ok about that whilst still being disappointed inside and recognising that the disappointment is all to do with your own aspirations and values.

For example, if my daughter decided to be some influencer going around trying different skin care products or something and banging on about them on her YouTube channel - I would be disappointed. For myself. She’d probably be perfectly happy making money and doing what she enjoyed but I would be inwardly wishing she’d used her academic abilities to something more productive in life. I don’t think I could stop myself thinking that. And as much as I would hide it, I’m pretty sure she would work out that it wasn’t what I envisaged for her.

The other sort of disappointment would be a political or religious leaning that was very much in contrast to our own family’s alignment. I couldn’t really imagine proudly declaring my son was a Reform voter and going to visit him in his house plastered with St George’s crosses without some sense of disappointment. If my daughter announced she was going to become a devout Catholic, I would also struggle to be proud of that. This isn’t because these ways of thinking are wrong or bad, but they go very much against our own beliefs and values and so it becomes hard to celebrate them. Iyswim.

I do wonder if all these parents in life who insist they only want their child to be happy and would support them no matter what, would really not show any disappointment or even anger if their child began to live a life that was in direct opposition to the parents core attitudes and values.

A very left leaning, ‘woke’ (I hate how that word is now used but am trying to think of a stereotypical term) colleague of mine was always going on marches supporting trans rights, gay rights, women, ethnic minorities etc. So open about how he’d support his children if they were LGBTQ etc. But I wondered how open and accepting he’d be if he found his children watching Charlie Kirk videos or his son idolising Andrew Tate. Would he be so accepting.

I personally think all parents must be disappointed with some aspects of their children’s behaviour and choices. That’s just life. How you choose to show it and act on it is the issue.

I ended up in a pretty normal public sector job, similar earning potential to her and my dad. Not badly paid by any means- but pedestrian and something I was too clever for- apparently.

She was incredibly disappointed that I didn’t do something more out there and high powered.

However- when you don’t top up your child’s maintenance loan enough so they have to work every hour under the sun to stay at uni AND all summer holidays- there isn’t really any time to do the internships and extras that were a prerequisite to the type of job I was aiming for.

They didn’t support me going to London either and I was too scared to go against them. Wish I did as it would have allowed me to be a bit creative- internship in the day, collecting glasses at night.

Nor was I an exceptional enough student to get a basic grad scheme job as I spent all my free time stacking shelves and not doing my reading. I got a 2:1 at a good university, so didn’t bomb things- but so did thousands of other kids.

She still says to do this day that it was good ‘character building’ but I was surrounded by more affluent students who also had great characters. Having to work so much and being at a university out in the sticks was just not feasible for the very guarded job I desperately wanted to do.

I fortunately ‘married well’ and was able to retrain into something that she found glossier. But I will never put my children through all that nonsense for the sake of ‘character building’. If they are good, kind kids and work hard- I will do all I can to help them get to where they needed to be.

Oh my goodness this is my MIL and her sons. My DH has a successful career, family, own home, basically all the things his parents didn’t manage (except the family bit!) against all the odds growing up in poverty, but his older brother who is 40s, still living at home working part time for minimum wage is still the golden child. He is lovely, as is DH, somehow despite a rough childhood they’re all lovely, genuinely good people, but MIL has always hated DH’s independence.

I was a disappointment to my dad as I wasn’t wanting to put his tea on the table and was studying for a levels. My dad thought, and after coming home from the pub on a Saturday afternoon would tell me, that the only proper job was a manual job . I realise it was probably his own insecurities together with the men he associated with at the very rough pub he went to. but god what a thing to say to your daughter who was working hard to get one of those jobs he so strongly despised. Irony being they’d paid for me to go to a fee paying junior school. I’d be so upset and angry , my mum meanwhile would look on and not intervene thrilled that I was arguing with him as she hated him and had waged a campaign for as long as I could remember to tell me how awful he was.

suppose the truth comes out when you’ve had a drink.

Oh yes, though not in the extreme and hurtful ways others here have experienced. 💐

But sure, my dad is disappointed in me. He's a lovely man and his disappointment is misplaced, so I can sometimes feel a bit sad about it but it doesn't really wound me. He's got stuck, like a lot of parents do, in his ideas about me and because I had a turbulent youth, he thinks I'm very unhappy and friendless and a bit mad. He worries.

I'm actually a sunny person, with lots of friends and a great career. I make good money and I do worthwhile, interesting, creative work. Can't ask for more really! But because I left school without GCSEs and was on benefits in my 20s, he can't really get over it himself.

He still talks about the terrible time I had at school, quite often, even though tbh I can barely remember it. It was 25 years ago! I think sometimes for parents it's a bigger deal than for kids. After all I just grew up and other things happened, you know? Many other bigger things. He gets worried about my "manner" a lot and thinks my terrible personality is a huge problem in my life, which, gosh, it's a bit brutal to hear to your face! But I know it's not meant unkindly. And luckily I have a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Oh I was.

My dad used to lie about me, he’d tell people I was doing such and such at college, when I was mainly doing shit temp work and spending the evenings alone, crying and eating shit. When I got married (for the second time, yes, that was a disappointment too!), I asked if he would do a speech, and he said, “but what about? What could I say about you, you’ve never done anything.”

Harsh, but completely fair, to be honest.

And actually, I’ve disappointed myself.

I know what you mean.

It's subtler, but sometimes it's so hard. It's also lead me to not trust easily because I wonder sometimes if I can believe what people tell me.

I wish you didn't have to deal with it, but I'm a bit relieved I'm not alone.

Or after general anesthetic in my DFs case.

Interestingly on the drink front... If DF has a small number of drinks and the subject of work comes up, I'll get the impression my job is stupid, made-up and pointless and I don't do enough hours, a few more drinks and, bizarrely, it then switches to how my brother does nothing but work all hours and only thinks about earning money (even though this is what DF advocates for normally) and on the rare occasions he actually gets pissed he'll say that his working ceaselessly his whole career was pointless as his missed our childhoods and DM promptly died the year he retired so you should just do what makes you happy.

So I think I probably can't actually win on this one.

Also, isn't it interesting the range of things we're all disappointing for! Too woke, not woke enough, too arty, not arty enough, too high powered, not high powered enough! Baffling!

I had some very good jobs before I had kids. Mum died before then so she saw me at my prime I guess. She wasn't one to say much in the way of praise but when she died her neighbours told me she would always say how proud she was of me.

My dad is bitterly disappointed and very angry his parents spent £ on my education because his marriage broke down into a violent mess which ended up with me having to board. He never misses a dig at how expensive my education was and what a waste it was. He controlled my choices for GCSE, A Levels and what I might take at Uni which meant I had a thoroughly miserable time of it and ended up not going to Uni at 18. He ruled out every option I wanted to do, I wouldn't get a job from taking a nonsense subject like Psychology, mocked everything I suggested. Went ape when I decided I wasn't going and ran off with my boyfriend and got engaged. Didn't speak to him/him me for about 3 years until I had kids.

So while I know he finds me a massive failure, I feel largely that he only has himself to blame as he controlled everything until I was 18 anyway. I now live how I want to which is why he hates it so much. He hates that I can without his intervention (mum left me some inheritance so I don't have to rely on him despite my shitty job), that I might be happy and worst of all, that his grand children are happy and doing whatever they like and thriving with just me as their parent. He knows we have a bond he and I never did.