Is anyone else a disappointment to their parents?

[HangingOver]

I see so many people on MN and IRL who say "as long as my child is happy, I don't mind", which is lovely.

However I also know a lot of people my age who either know of suspect they're a disappointment to their own folks, usually career/aspiration-wise.

Is this a generational thing, or do people not usually admit it or are just me and my friends very disappointing haha

I think you sound fab, for what it's worth.

My children are adults, I can honestly say they have never, ever been a disappointment to me. They both live independently now but they know they can always come to me and they do, I am proud of what they have achieved in their lives, they have chosen very different career paths and they are very different people but we are a close family.

My parent would say to my face and to anyone that would listen that they are proud of me, but have indicated in various subtle ways over the years that they would have greatly preferred i take a more traditional path - done a job that they understood, married and had a baby. They do a very good job of pretending they support me, but in their weaker moments will accidentally let slip. Its not in a sad way, its in an eyeroll-y way, like why cant you just be normal and do what I think you should do.

Oh, I totally am. I'm currently a precariously self-employed 41 year old single mother who mostly gardens and writes for a living (neither of which is particularly lucrative or stable, as careers go).

However, when I was a fresh-faced 20-something and had graduated from Cambridge, got my Masters from Oxford, completed my PhD and gone straight into an academic job at Cambridge, they still managed to commiserate with me for the fact it wasn't a very good job, was it, and what a shame I hadn't done better.

So my sneaking suspicion is that they were going to manage to be disappointed more or less whatever I did.

Ahh that's lovely

me definitely! I chose a professional career (medic - they'd have rather I was an artist), am a nerd (have no interest in the glamorous), am not rich (too many kids), my husband has no social cache (engineer), and I have a BMI of over 19. Worst crime of all. Thankfully my siblings provide greater material for dinner party boasting.

(ironically my parents were drop outs who despised my grandparents' square (respectable establishment) lifestyles - until they got rich then the trappings of middle class existence (with a bit of Bohemia, because they aren't like other boring rich people) became essential.)

Two of my children have reached adulthood. I can't comprehend my parents' mindset tbh. I am delighted and relieved that I have no overwhelming desire to micromanage their life choices and I rejoice as I watch them finding a way in the world that has very little to do with me ... that's my job.

My cooking is not good enough, my parenting, not good enough, cleaning: not goodwnough, choice of DP: not good enough, a doctorate: not good enough money
i think they just want the best for me but thats not how it comes across sometimes

the never, ever feeling good enough is so destructive. I have never been able to overcome it & here I am a 50 year old woman crying into my wine because I've had a Weekend of My Mother.

More than anything I don't want my children to ever feel like that.

My mum is disappointed in me and disapproving of every choice I make. I make good choices and I’m a good, honest decent person. She hasn’t said anything positive, encouraging or even nice to me for as long as I remember. I am loving with my adult children and I tell them regularly how I feel about them.

No! I genuinely don't think it's true that everyone is a disappointment to their parents. Not at all!

I'm pretty sure my lovely mum was incredibly proud of both me and my DSis. She is sadly no longer around, but she always ensured that we knew.

My MIL is sadly gone as well, but she was evidently bursting with pride in my DH.

And now my own dd is a young adult, she is anything but a disappointment to me. I literally couldn't be any prouder... not of her many achievements, which are significant, but much more because of the wonderful person that she has become. I may be a little biased () but she is absolutely amazing in my eyes and I'm totally in awe of the fact that dh and I "created" her.

I would like to believe that most parents are as insanely proud of their offspring as I do. I'm very sorry for those who have parents that either didn't feel that, or felt it but failed to show it.

My exMIL is extremely proud of her 3 sons and it shows, she is also very proud of her daughter-in-laws (and ex DIL!) and her 6 grandkids. None if us could ever put a foot wrong, I am sure of it. I find her unwavering praise and support very hard to accept because my family are the opposite and have no interest in anything I'm doing or anything the kids might be up to.

I was 36 when I finally stopped being the embarrassment 😂

My mum was very proud of my achievements but she passed 13 years ago. My dad is resentful of my career. I’ve just been put forward for a promotion in a job that I have been doing for less than a year and I’ve not even told him.

In general no, but I know my parents were a bit disappointed about a couple of aspects of my life - so was I tbh However the central message was always of love and approval and that has made everything possible. I hope ds feels the same but I’m not sure.

The trouble is some parents have very odd priorities.

I've got a degree, a good career, have worked abroad in different countries, have bought my own home, and have two county caps at a sport, yet I was a disappointment to my dm because I hadn't "settled down with a nice boy and had babies".

She spent 40 joyless years being treated as a skivvy by my f yet seemed determined to see me in the same situation. Something I never understood. I wanted a relationship where I was an equal partner and I wasn't prepared to settle.

Then in my 40s I found myself expecting, and already financially secure, I had ds who is lovely, kind, decent, funny, happy, well educated. On track for a degree in engineering. I've raised him without needing her support.

Yet she died still disapproving. By that point I'd stopped worrying about it. My life choices have been SO much better than hers.

I'm pretty sure I am, but that's their problem, not mine. Their opinions are of no interest to me.

I never did anything right in my mother’s eyes from not being as clever as her friend’s dd, not going to university from school (I’d had years of being told how much my private education was costing and how they had no money), not being or marrying a doctor etc)
Right up till she died in her 90’s she criticised everything I did, it’s been absolutely soul destroying and relentless.
My father was remote and emotionally cold, neither ever said that they loved me.
It has shaped my whole life, the FOG didn’t lift until several years after they died and, even now, I am still affected.

I’m very different with my DCs, I am very proud of them and their achievements.
They know they’re loved too.

This is all extremely interesting, thanks for sharing everyone.

I guess I'm trying to reach a point where I genuinely don't care, but I'm not there yet.

I have no idea if my parents are proud of me. Their ideal daughter would have been a high flyer who earned at least 10% more then their friends kids, but at the same time was a devoted wife and mother who took care of them and their grandkids full time and was also a nun in Rome. So no pleasing them really

Not quite the same, but DH and I were both told by our respective parents when we were young, that we were “difficult”, that we’d never amount to anything, that we should be more like the golden child. I particularly remember my dm telling me at 15 that I’d be a “waste of space” all my life and that she was amazed I had any friends. (looking back I’ve no idea why, I never got in trouble, had lots of friends, did well at school, had a Saturday job etc)
As it happens, we’ve proved them wrong rather spectacularly and that seems to disappoint them, a lot? Neither set of parents are proud of us, rather they are baffled and…a bit pissed off that they got it so wrong? All very odd, but I am well past the point of caring and we absolutely do not treat our own dc that way.

I didn't disappoint my mum (no dad on the scene); that's not a brag, I am quite a failure in life, but she always loved me no matter what, I think probably because she understood me and my failings very well and the reasons why. Plus her own life was decidedly non-stellar so she wasn't in a position to judge.

Exactly. And what makes parents the arbiters of what counts as successful/not a disappointment. I’m very disappointed with my parents ! They are/were fairly indifferent to me.

Well DM told me the other day that DB1 is her favourite, in dementia veritas.

It wasnt a shock. The only type of success my DPs valued was academic. DB1 has a PhD. They didnt understand any type of career which wasnt civil service or uniformed. A career where success could be measured by steady progress up through the grades/ranks.

My career is outside of family comprehension so they never talk about it. They have absolutely no idea what I do. The assumption is that I have a 'little job'. The fact that my job has taken us abroad and back again, fed, clothed and housed 5 people is ignored.

I talk with my DCs about their jobs. I try to understand what they do (very different from what I do). They have come to me for CV writing advice. We celebrate successes, commiserate with disappointments.

I feel sorry for DB2, he has struggled all through his life with being compared to DB1 and feeling like he wasnt as good. DF died over 30 years ago and DB2 still wants his approval.

Oh yes. I was also the black sheep.