Is anyone else a disappointment to their parents?

[HangingOver]

I see so many people on MN and IRL who say "as long as my child is happy, I don't mind", which is lovely.

However I also know a lot of people my age who either know of suspect they're a disappointment to their own folks, usually career/aspiration-wise.

Is this a generational thing, or do people not usually admit it or are just me and my friends very disappointing haha

I was apparently a disappointment to my mother - and brought shame on her - by calling time on an unhappy marriage. She would rather I'd carried on, rather than divorce and set up on my own. "How was she going to hold her head up in public after what I'd done" etc etc
I was born in the 60s and "What will people think?" was very much the mantra. Most older people grew out of it, but not her.

She took my XH's side completely after we split and went about badmouthing me to anyone who'd listen.

Well it’s whatever the parents hangup is I suppose. Which just goes to show we shouldn’t give a lot of weight to others opinions!

Character building/ what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger are the words of wisdom of many a rubbish parent are t they. Suppose it’s easier for them than admitting their care was sub par. My mum uses that line a lot, we’ll age dud until I said it’s really not.

This

I think there is a difference in being disappointed for you rather than in you.
I'd be disappointed for my kids if they were always struggling financially as adults or were very obese etc.
I often this the more you love them, the more you take on their 'issues' as your own.

Almost certainly I would be to my dad but then again if he hadn't have died when I was a kid I might have had a more 'successful' path.

My DM says she's not disappointed in me. I'm always there for her and care for her and I will do so untill she passes. Even if I am unwell and not financially successful and don't have a career or kids or a house. I'm hoping that's enough because I do my best.

Definitely was a disappointment. I had a role to play and that was family joke (there perception of me is not who I am, for ages they listened to me only to cherry pick what I said for confirmation bias of the characture they had created of me). They slowly and begrudgingly came round to me, now I am probably the favourite but know that if anything happens it will swap back with not loyalty for anything I have done.
i genuinely don’t care what my children do so long as they are happy and not arseholes to others. I love them unconditionally and they know it.

My Mum was embrassed by us when young as brother and I were shy - I was very clingy - and struggled on in early school - Dsis had none of our SEN and her freindhsip group was much wider and she clearly took pride in that.

So yes as a clumsy child - later diagnosed dyspraxia - and struggled and was underestimated in primary school - later diagnosed dsylexic - by secondary I was doing okay acadmically though took till GCSE till parents caught up. I think their pride and accompanying sudden pressure was harder to deal with TBH.

Never doubted they loved me and Dmum prefers sister - knew they were proud I got to Uni - and were supportive.

Well into adutlhood I could never know anything - whether it the area I work in - my kids when young - area I live - plans - that was a very corrosive thing. I remember my Mum telling me I was awful with people at work in my early 20 just before I had to go in an meet a whole knew lot of people - and think WTF - and when I was quietly singing to my baby her rubbishing my singing voice - then wondering why I have little confidence. I think this is their own upbring affecting them.

IL are proud of DH - but MIl can be embrassesd by him as well - downplays his edcuation and jobs to others in the area but he says he knows they are proud of him overall.

It always hits a bit of a nerve with me when I see posts on here about "gifted and talented" very young kids.
I was, as I understand it, a gifted and talented child. Early reader, genius at numbers etc etc. I remember being about 8 and being the only one on the purple maths book and they had to borrow me one from the 4th year junior class.

I went to a selective school, and hated every minute, became depressed and unengaged, by age 15 I was failing with respects to the standards my school expected. I got average GCSE results, not allowed back for 6th form.

I've made nothing of my life. I earn shit money, in a very mediocre job.

I'm happy. I have a lovely husband and brilliant kids. Life is good. But I know my parents imagined I'd be some high flying lawyer or incredible scientist. I'm definitely a disappointment. I think I broke them as a teenager when they realised I was never gonna be who they expected. Meh.

I honestly thought I had disappointed my parents, especially my mum. I had friends who were very academic, whereas I did poorly at GCSEs, then failed a-levels, and went off to college to do catering. Meanwhile my friends (she knew their parents through school) went on to do medicine, accounting and ophthalmics. She didn’t compare but I know she would have liked to show off a little as the other mums did.

But, she got cancer when I was 21, so I came home from the restaurant I was living in at, and got a job at a supermarket so that me and my dad could care for her between us. About a fortnight before she died it was her 53rd birthday. She had lots of visitors, cards and flowers. After everyone had gone I was tidying up in her room, getting rid of wrapping paper etc. She asked me to stop for a minute and come and sit down on the edge of the bed, and told me that she couldn’t have wished for a better daughter. In a week’s time that will have been 30 years ago, and still makes me both cry and happy when I think about it.

I was. When I was about 17-19 I went through a bit of a hippy phase. I wasn't exactly scruffy but I lived in jeans and t-shirts. Lots of my friends did too so I wasn't unusual. My mum was very much worried about appearances and what people would think. One evening I was in a pub with a group of friends and my mum was in the attached restaurant with a group of lady friends. I went to say hello and she cut me dead, as though she didn't know me. I knew then that what other people thought was more important than my feelings.

@RaraRachael I know my mum would have done the same if I'd got divorced. I was brought up in the 60s/70s and it was all What will the neighbours think?

I am also happy and earning average money at an unimportant job that I really like.

When DF gets on one I just serenely say 'Im really happy, I love my life". Hard to argue with. 😁

My parents are Cambridge educated catholics. I’m a disappointment because I didn’t try for Oxbridge and ‘only’ went to Imperial, and because marriage 1 broke down because ex H was a serial adulterer, and because DH2 is not a Catholic.

Yes, I was a disappointment. But my parents had ludicrously unrealistic expectations of me. My mother was convinced I was going to be a vet (why god knows). I was total shit at maths and science subjects. Failing that she thought I'd marry a heart surgeon or at the very least a solicitor or architect. I was (am) very average looking, of average intelligence, didn't go to university and as a family we didn't move in those sort of circles. Go figure!

I used to be a teacher but I didn't like it and went self employed, earning a lot less money. Under the guise of "worrying about me" my mother made it clear she was disappointed that I'd "wasted my education". She paid for music lessons for me and was determined that I pursue a career in music, even though I wasn't interested. That was disappointing. I had no children. Disappointing. I got divorced. Disappointing. I moved 200 miles from her. Disappointing. I don't take it to heart though - my sister has an MSc, a well paid job, a successful husband, two children, a nice house...and she acts disappointed in my sister too.

We are her Crosses To Bear.

Oh yeah. Educated to doctoral level, first in my family to go to uni (the only child of my generation to do so): but I’m single, don’t drive, and will never own my own home. I have wasted my education and in comparison to my siblings, have not succeeded financially. Oh, and for a while I was fat. 😂

My DM would always give “advice” which was essentially her pointing out all my failures and ask me what I was going to do about them. What I did was go NC with her. Amazing how successful I feel now I’m not measuring it against someone else’s yardstick.

My Dad left school at 14 but clawed his way up to a very senior role through utter grit and despite his lack of formal education, he always says he had 10% ability but 90% ambition. He thinks I have 90% ability and 10% ambition, and although he definitely overestimates my brilliance he is sort of right, I have always been clever but lazy. I do fine for myself, was mortgage free by 40 (promptly went part time just because I could and I prefer time to money). He loves me to bits, just doesn’t understand why I’m not running the world, or at least the UN or a major corporation. Just couldn’t be arsed with the dedication a stellar career would require.

I suddenly became a disappointment to dm when my eldest turned 16 dm was 76 and she decided to rewrite my teenage year’s to put me down to dc I apparently was a nightmare i wasn’t I was quite boring and normal had a few boyfriends met dh at 17 and we bought our first house when I was 19 we are still together and I am 48 so hardly wild teenager years and I apparently got no qualifications I got 4 A levels took a year out before university as I didn’t know what I wanted to do and no I didn’t go in the end something I have always been honest with my dc about and encouraged dd not to do as you get used to earning money ds wasn’t interested in going to university I am proud of them both.

i am not sure if dsis obviously the golden child was influencing dm as she started doing the same but more subtly. I obviously should of been more like dsis morbidly obese all her teenage years and adult life which has caused her many health problems and financially reckless dm has bailed her out tens of thousands over the years and never been paid back while I’ve never had a penny never asked I was an adult. Dsis didn’t go to university either she went to nursing college but that now equates to a degree she now works in a similar office based job to me yes she is on more money than me I probably would of been more career minded if i was single and childless

nc with them both now dsis for 3 years when it came to light she had stolen £10k from dm and when i refused to do and equity release on dm house incase it was seen as deprivation of assets etc she blocked me and convinced dm to remove me as poa and probably changed the will. Nc with dm for the last year as dsis made it difficult for me to see her.

I am happy with my lot we are financially comfortable everything we have is because we earned it mortgage nearly paid off and I have a great relationship with my now adult dc who have taken very different career paths dd has a masters ds didn’t go to university proud of them both

This is awful.

I could win a nobel peace prize, a pulitzer prize, 4 oscars, 10 grammys and become queen of England and my mother would still find fault, my father would find a way of making it sound like anyone could do it and my siblings would still think they are superior to me so despite the fact I have a great career, own my own home and that they just would never be proud of me.
In stark contrast my son just has to get out of bed and I am proud of every breath he takes and always will be.