We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

The thought I keep having whole reading this thread is

Traditions are simply peer pressure from dead people.

I totally get this. Whether OP and her DH didn't attend due to a formal religious belief, a belief that funerals are not necessary or because it was too uncomfortable/painful for them, whether they are ND or not, is neither here nor there. It was their choice not to go. MIL is OK about it. FIL knew and was OK with it.

More and more people are choosing direct funerals nowadays. Maybe in part due to finance. Maybe it's becoming more socially acceptable to do what is best for you and your family without feeling the need to conform.

As for SIL we don't know the whole background but it sounds like there's more to it than simply she didn't help due to distance. So maybe, just maybe the comment about her pulling her weight was justified.

Some funerals can be lovely

And if she had not had other children to step in?

True.

So did I. After my dad's funeral, I stayed with mum for a number of days, so she wasn't on her own.

But I also went to the funeral, and didn't make it all about my un-named "belief system."

This is all the level of discussion one has with a teenager who has just discovered that all belief systems are artificial and temporary and they know this because they discussed this in the sixth form last week and they have just discovered that every human activity is performative and why should they have to dress up to go to a funeral or a wedding because what does it matter what they’re wearing and why does it make any difference and why should they have to dress to please other people et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Who likes a funeral ?
i could happily never attend one ever again but i go to show my support for my friend or family member who has lost their loved one , my beliefs or ideals don't come into it but my respect does.
I would choose direct cremation with no funeral for myself and loved ones too but others choose the whole shebang and i have to respect that and behave accordingly.
You say that you looked after your FIL through his illness so it seems really thoughtless to 'abandon' the rest of the family now for the sake of putting your beliefs aside for a few hours until the day is over.
I agree that you appear disrespectful.

Surely your belief system should encompass those touched by the death not only the deceased. It sounds as if you deliberately avoided attending the funeral when you could have, that is what perceived as disrespectful. It was not a decision based on distance, other commitments, estrangement. You and dh have deliberately disassociated yourself from mil and the family at a time of need. She may seem ok with it but may be too vulnerable or hurt to voice her true feelings. However you made your decision regardless of etiquette and should have anticipated that it would not sit well with the majority.

I guessed you were ND before you said (I am too) because of the rigidity of sticking to your beliefs despite the inevitable fallout.

I do actually understand your views on funerals. It can sometimes (definitely not always IMO) be performative. I also can understand what you said to SIL - though clearly we’re in the minority here!

I also don’t think your relatives are being unreasonable either as the cultural norm is that you would definitely attend your parent’s funeral unless there was a huge rift/fallout. What’s unfortunate is that instead of reflecting on FIL they are now all upset with you and it’s probably overshadowing the funeral a bit. I think on balance you should have suspended your beliefs for the day to keep the peace at a difficult time for the family

@Leaveittogod I needed DH's support at my DF's funeral. He drove (small funeral so no funeral cars) , he held my hand, was there to take over the reading if I couldn't do it. He also helped support my DM

It's quite a coincidence that you and your DH both hold this very niche belief. Maybe one of you is more forceful with their beliefs than the other.

It is possible to offer support during the lifetime and at the funeral of a loved one, they aren't mutually exclusive. But obviously it is entirely up to you and your husband what you do, but don't feign surprise when people question your belief, you must have known it was unusual when you decided to adopt it.

Good grief, I couldnt have imagined leaving my father alone at my mum's funeral when she died by saying I didnt believe in funerals.

Sorry but I think that is utterly callous and appalling. And yes, I am allowed my belief just as much as you have yours.

Oh good, so you're better than the Op and her husband. Well done.

I can see why you'd be getting comments if he skipped his dad's funeral that's a bit strange

“Self-devised” beliefs are, by definition, genuine and sincere, as opposed to “norms”, which are rituals we’ve been conforming to out of habit.

I think the OP’s actions and support whilst her FIL was alive were of much greater value than attending his funeral.

The family you still have once that person’s dead also matter, don’t they?

We don’t know why the FIL’s siblings wouldn’t visit - maybe they were unpleasant people, maybe there was a difficult history between them.

The OP’s DH should have attended his own father’s funeral if for no other reason than his mother was presumably left to deal with questions over why he wasn’t there. And you never know - like many of us who’ve attended our parents’ funerals, he may have found it an occasion that provided comfort and joy.

Both of my parents’ funerals (and they died in very different circumstances to each other) were joyful occasions. Having our family around was a lovely thing.

This thread has made me so sad.

There are so many revealing attitudes on this thread, but one that comes through is that we in the west, well the UK maybe and in modern times, don't deal well with death? I presumed that the rise in direct cremation was about the expense - totally understandable and also perhaps about not wanting to burden others with dealing with complexities of funeral arrangements - which I get, but find very sad. The only relative I know, who had a direct cremation really didn't want any one to have to deal with it all and perhaps wanted quiet discretion. We respected that, but my OH and I still regret (and this is 15 years ago now) that there was no formal ceremony for such a lovely person - and yes that is about us, but it affected so many in the family and friends. To have someone just gone makes it harder to deal with.

The funerals I have been to, some devastating, some inevitable, some complicated have often been really good occasions, full of love, comfort, connection and celebration. The gathering of distant relatives, friends not in contact for years felt important, the impact of a life remembered and actually pretty wonderful amidst the sadness.

I understand totally that that is not always the case and empathise especially with the PP above who has nursed her mother and has no more space to give to funeral arrangements right now.

I am not religious, but I really appreciate traditions and rituals, they are some of the few things that are genuinely and authentically social. We considered our wedding was not just for us, it was about marking a change in our lives within our community and family. I think this is something explicity stated in the Christian ceremony? Sometimes it's not about individuals (beliefs, needs, preferences whatever), these are the rituals that hold us together, accountable, as social beings.

I wonder if the OP has considered that pretty much no one wants to go to a funeral - its hard and upsetting, but that it's part of a social duty that binds us with family and community and is an important ceremonial marking and processing. As others have said death rituals have been part of human society since humans have existed and are significant accross the world - there are reasons for that. I find do find the practical solution of direct cremation quite clinical and dehumanising, like a tidying up or simply a disposal, almost a denial of a life (and a denial to people to grieve how they want or might expect to), but as I said I do understand why some people want that.

I think you missed out OP, and I think priviledging a preference, presented as belief, was really unfortunate and pretty selfish.

It IS disrespectful and selfish. It’s not all about you.

I agree. Funerals aren’t for the person who has left us. They are for the people who are still here to honour, remember and say goodbye. That extends to caring for and supporting each other with your grief.

Fair enough you said goodbye in your own way, but it’s not just about you and the person who has passed. It’s about family and the wider community coming together.

I mean, yes, she is. She seems far kinder to me.....

Choosing a direct cremation/burial is not comparable to having a funeral and choosing not to attend.

The close relative of a very dear friend passed away last month. He had arranged a direct cremation. He was a lovely man, and although I didn't see him often (perhaps once a year), I was fond of him, and he was always very kind to me.
I was keen to attend his funeral, to pay my last respects, but was then informed of his arrangements, so had to remember him privately at home, which just didn't feel right or the same.

You’re not getting it, OP. Your very rigid personal interpretation of the meaning or purpose of a funeral doesn’t cancel out the fact the the vast majority of other people think differently, and that very often someone mourning feels touched and supported by people attending their loved one’s funeral, which is a communal celebration of that person’s life. The dead person doesn’t know you’re there, no, but the bereaved know you’ve taken the trouble to rearrange your day and possibly travel to be there because the dead person meant something to you. It’s really not that complicated. You clearly don’t like funerals, but guess what? No one does. They put aside that to show up for someone else, regardless of whether they hadn’t seen the dead person in years or had been caring for them regularly.

It’s not about you.

Is it your husbands belief too? I don’t really see why you couldn’t just go to the funeral and put your beliefs aside

@Bluehummingbird As a PP said - to me, the fact you are ND explains your approach. I think funerals are extremely important for a range of reasons: respect for the person who has died; respect for their family; a chance to celebrate them; a chance to reflect. It is performative and that’s fine. Gestures are important. But I’ve rarely felt so NT as I have in reading this thread. That said, my ND DC has attended family funerals. However, you made the contribution you felt best able to make and hopefully that can be understood by your MIL.

Op, please will you answer this question?

Many direct cremations still have some sort of get together though - a formal memorial service, a meeting somewhere that meant something to the person who died, a scattering of ashes, or whatever. It's very rare for someone to have a direct cremation and for family and friends not to come together afterwards in some way. Would the OP and her DH not go to that either, I wonder?